Thorn in my heart 💘


“Shot through the heart and you’re to blame. Darling, you give love a bad name”

I recall singing along to the words of Jon Bon Jovi as a teenager in the late 1980s, without having any real comprehension about what heart break was. Back then it was just a groovy song to rock out to with my friends. Then I recall listening to the same words as a woman, who had endured those nagging pains of heart ache, thinking about every man who had ever broken my tender loving heart.

But time has a way of altering our perceptions, because here I am today, as a much wiser woman, listening to the very same words. Only this time acknowledging the uncomfortable truth that … “I” give love a bad name.

Like you, I am a beautiful contradiction …

Sometimes struggling to sit in the spaces of in between:

Strong, yet tender .. Gentle, yet tough .. Independent, yet needy .. Intuitive, yet ignorant .. Wise, yet foolish .. Passionate, yet phlegmatic .. Dedicated, yet indifferent .. Consistent, yet ever changing

During those spaces of in between as we struggle to find our balance, our choices can then become confused

 Time after time I have confused my want for sex with my need for love, then wondered why my heart was broken. Too many times my heart has led me towards men who have struggled to love themselves, then wondered why they were unable to love me in the way I needed to be loved. Mirror images that have reflected back my own limitations. Soul mate connections that have brought me to my own attention. Men who have torn down my walls, crawled under my skin, fell into my heart, trampled through my mind and penetrated my ever wanting loins.

Irritations and tensions that have highlighted how my external desires and internal yearnings have deflected attention away from my deeper truths.

The truth … that I fear being completely alone.

The truth … that I fear being untouched.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable but they are never weakness” (Brene Brown)

Truths that have influenced my choices and continue to shape my experiences

Tensions and conflicts increasing each time a choice is made based on fear

Such tension and conflict created a thorn in my heart. A presence that caused a constant ache. A feeling that propelled me to seek out love. Anything that may dissolve the thorn and ease the pain and suffering. But each choice made in fear only brings more hurt. The thorn burrows deeper and deeper causing more and more discomfort.

But the more we dig and the deeper we are willing to go, the more fears we confront. Fears that hold us back from experiencing love to its full potential. The thorn in our heart dislodges only when we finally surrender to our truth. In that moment the poison is released into our system, which will either paralyze or infuriate us.

“The truth will set us free … but only after its pissed us off”

We will either fall down in defeat, licking our wounds or fucking fury will bubble up towards the surface. The bitter venom no longer able to be digested will be spat out of our mouths. Harsh words unleashed as we step back into our power. But the truth is WE are the ones responsible for the abuse, the manipulations, the lies and the betrayal.

“I played MY part and you played YOUR game”

Taking responsibility and being accountable for our choices isn’t always easy, especially when we experience hurt at the hands of another. But the universe responds to our inner most desires, by bringing people into our lives that help us to answer our own questions. The soul purpose of some people is to disappoint, frustrate, lie, betray and hurt us. This understanding about such people is how we overcome our fears and move into a space of gratitude. Changing how we understand heart break is how we begin to change our experience of it. Acknowledging that we unconsciously invite people into our lives to teach us more about ourselves, is an experience that is rich in growth for the both of us

The new warrior is not going to war covered in armor … she is naked and ready to love

Her strength lies not in her ability to fight … but in her willingness to surrender

As the heart bleeds open, the hurt simmers beneath the surface …

… and the healing begins ❤