Writing has always been a form of expression and release for me. Words having the power to refocus, heal and transform my life, which is why Ive always journalized my thoughts and feelings. And why I decided to share my writing experience in these blogs.
I recently started an online writing course, which is hoped to help me get out of my head and drop into my heart space, with a little less resistance. To a place where I will confront and overcome any fears, beliefs and doubts that are blocking my fullest and truest expression, where I will hopefully find and deepen my sacred writing voice.
Well … its certainly taking me to the heart of it
Write about your first soulful romantic encounter … was the question that prompted my full moon release and kick started the chain of events that followed that night. I thought that releasing my hurts with love and light would set my heart free. I thought I would feel less tension and conflict. I thought I was content with my choices. I thought I was ready to let go without any apprehensions
Hmmmmmmm … I thought wrong
Scorpio full moon was all about endings, rebirth, renewal, soul mates, deep emotion, secrets and shadows rising, transformation, desires, sex, lust, jealousy, trust, abandonment and BIG CHANGE !!!
Since the release Ive been experiencing an even stronger feeling of unrest than before. A feeling that brings me great discomfort. A feeling that’s forcing me deeper and deeper into myself. To a place I know I need to sit and move beyond. I know I need to listen to what lies beneath the silence … but the silence scares me.
Instead, I fell back into old habitual behaviours that scream AVOIDANCE !!!
But … what am I avoiding ?
I’m avoiding MYSELF
Instead of sitting with the discomfort I indulged in alcohol, which reduces my clarity of mind and therefore my ability to mentally process. I indulged in the affections of a new lover, which brings me out of those uncomfortable feelings in my heart and into the physical pleasures of my body, which reduces my ability to fully express my truth. I indulged in TV rather than reading and writing, which escapes my own lived reality.
Hmmmmmm … we are beautiful creatures of habit, aren’t we ?
But, even though I still automatically fall back into avoidance during the tensions of change and transformation, I’m now fully aware that I’m actually doing it. And its that sense of awareness that reflects some change and growth, which is reassuring, because there are times when I doubt if I’m actually learning anything of value or sharing anything of importance.
Oh yes … self doubt at its finest
It seems that my intentions to surrender and release have brought me to a truth Ive been avoiding. A sudden realization that I’ve been avoiding living my dreams out of fear. The fear of following my heart continues to hold me back from myself.
I had so many plans … to move away, to find those parts of myself that are missing, to explore a part of the world my heart still yearns for, to travel, to experience my life to the fullest and to write about the journey as it flowed.
But the moment I decided to give up on love because it wasn’t flowing the way I wanted it to, was the moment that all my plans were thrown into a box and hidden under the bed.
When my heart broke, my dreams were once again shattered into pieces too.
But signs have been coming at me hard and fast, which is getting harder and harder to avoid or deny. I acknowledge that Ive been ignoring the pull of my heart and calling of my dreams out of fear of confronting more hurt. But ongoing tension and conflict reflects how my mind and heart are still not in alignment
My heart still wants to RUN and JUMP … but my mind shouts STOP !!!
What if it doesn’t work out?
What if I fail ?
What if life becomes harder ?
Ive worked so damn hard to be able to support myself as an independent woman and to feel like I dont need to rely on anyone else. I live in paradise, have a beautiful home, a secure job, loving and supportive family and friends, opportunities and possibilities.
I have it all … yet I still feel restless ?
A restlessness that continues to pull me away from everything I have …
But, for what ?
for the adventure ? … for the experience ? … for love ?
So … I make a conscious decision to try and sit with myself. To allow the thoughts to come and to go. To allow the emotions to come and to go. To release the hurt and the tears. To feel the fear and the anxieties. To suspend the judgements. To stay completely present with what ever it is that arises from within me.
WHY am I so afraid of being alone, if it brings me closer to myself ?
I want to be true to myself. I want to follow my heart. I want to trust my instincts. I want to surrender to my destiny. But I’m afraid to let go completely because I dont want to throw away my life for something I may never find.
Perhaps … that IS the journey back to myself ?