My first morning without you πŸ’”

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I wandered to the toilet for my usual morning piddle, pausing at my parents bedroom door.

Peering inside I see an empty hospital bed and and our beloved Father curled up in the single bed, alone and my heart hurts πŸ’”

I come back to bed and open up facebook to read the many beautiful messages and posts that you all openly share with us. About our beloved Mother and I see how much she has touched all of your hearts.

I feel a sense of pride because she’s my Mam.

But then I feel a little uncomfortable when I notice how jealousy and envy begin to rise within me. Because I think about how far and wide her spirit will soar. I fear that I won’t be able to feel her close and I feel a little angry.

As my mind ticks with a multitude of irrational thoughts that trigger emotion to flow. My heart reminds me to not dwell in the depths of my mind, nor get lost in the darkness of my fears.

To heal we must FEEL and RELEASE !!!

So I don’t linger in my thoughts nor my feelings

I ride the waves of my grief

Truth is,

Although she loved you all, we were the centre of her Universe and family was her everything.

I notice how my mind replays memories and moments that keep taking me back in time. There isn’t one memory that doesn’t involve YOU in some way. For almost 44 years you have been at the very heart of who I am.

And I wonder

How can I move forward without you ?

Although life just keeps on moving as it did
before, nothing about this day feels the same without you. Our world has been shattered into pieces and it’ll never to be the same again.

I miss you πŸ’”

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