What is or has been YOUR darkest time?

Instead of journalling, I’m blogging an inner process. Sharing some thoughts and feelings about my darkest time.

When we loose someone we love, we miss them. We move through the painful process of grief, learning how to live with our special someone in spirit. We miss their physical presence so much it causes us physical discomfort, and at times pain.

As I flow with loss, I sometimes feel stuck in my suffering. It’s true what they say, we fight to hold on and to let go.

Who am I holding onto?

My Mam 💔

When Mam died my heart broke and my mind haunted me with memories of her unexpected diagnosis, rapid decline and end of life process. I struggled to let go of what was, at times its hard to fully feel the reality of what is and facing a future without her is upsetting.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end and Mam is with us in spirit. I’m still processing what happened, grieving the loss of her, trying to accept what was, coming to terms with what is and learning how to live without her.

Challenges are aplenty !!!

Staying in my parents home, where Mam is everywhere yet nowhere, challenges me. Caring for Dad when I’m alone, challenges me. The changes to our family structure and functioning, challenges me. Going back to a caring role in Nursing Homes, challenges me. Being seperated from the man I love,  challenges me. Having my life in the UK on hold, challenges me. Waiting for something I don’t want to happen, challenges me.

Mam’s death has changed EVERYTHING

As I flow with loss, I sense a part of me still holds on, struggling to let her go.

So, I meditate …

Which part of me is holding onto you?

I have a vision in my minds eye of my inner child. She’s sitting on the floor with her chin resting upon her knees.

She’s lost and afraid.

My inner child is the most vulnerable part of myself, who believes that she needs her Mother to survive in this world. So, I give her a voice, allow her to speak, I listen and write …

“My first home on this planet was inside of your belly. You nourished and nurtured me until I was born. As a child you kept me safe from harm. As a young girl you guided me. As I matured you gave me unconditional love and support, through all of my life’s challenges. And now you’ve abandoned me, left me alone when I need you the most. I’m forced to face my greatest challenge without your guidance, and I’m going through my greatest loss without your support, because YOU are the one I have lost.”

I dove a little deeper …

What am I still holding onto?

My Mam was ALWAYS there for me, even when I didn’t want her to be. She was my biggest critic and my greatest supporter. She helped me to believe in myself and my dreams. It took me years to finally grow my wings and venture off into the world alone. Following my heart and trusting the journey, just as I had been called to do. And for what ?

I’m angry with Universe !!!

Wasn’t it enough to surrender to the call?
Wasn’t it enough to leave the life I knew?
Wasn’t it enough to explore possibilities?
Wasn’t it enough to limit Dad’s life?

Why did you take Mam away from us?

Nothing is the same anymore
Everything is different
Nothing is certain
Everything is possible

And I’m afraid of what else is possible !!!

I’m afraid of staying and loosing myself
I’m afraid to go and loosing my Dad

Acknowledging the fear loosens the power it has over me. Releasing myself from the limitations of my mind, enables me to FEEL the truth in my hurting heart

I cry and feel the RELEASE

Confronting the reality of what is feels a little lighter and there’s a SHIFT.

“We don’t become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious” (Carl Jung)

Darkness isn’t something to be feared.

It’s the absence of love and light, where we feel the most afraid. Unknown aspects of consciousness, where our fears feed.

We become enlightened by fully comprehending a situation, which is why I consciously choose to do the inner work. Exploring my beliefs, thoughts, emotions, energy flow and triggers.

This is MY healing process ❤

We have the capacity to change our life with a simple shift in perspective.

What’s changing in my life?

My happiness is no longer dependant upon who I’m with or where I am. I am happiest when I’m living and expressing MY truth. I feel the love in ALL of my emotions and experiences because I am living my true soul purpose 🌟

We enlighten ourselves by …

🌟 Accepting there is no escape from ourself (drugs, sex, alcohol, food)

🌟 Consciously reducing our attachment to material comforts and relationship dependancies

🌟 BEING the love we seek from others

🌟 FEELING life as it unfolds because this is our journey to learn and grow from

🌟 BELIEVING in our dreams and creating our life how we want it to be

I’m grateful to those who trigger me because it guides me to unhealed parts of myself. I openly express myself because that’s what love does. I share my process, to guide others inwards, towards the source of their own healing ❤