Oh how I LOVE and miss those beautiful cheesy grins 😍
I started to write this blog back in August 2019, but didn’t share it because I was struggling with a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. I wrote it only a few weeks after Dads death, while I was reading through Mams journals.
Thoughts of Mam and Dad flow into my mind on a daily basis, which still stir a variety of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Its why Im here, seeking the support I need to find peace with those conflicting truths.
I believe, to improve the quality of our relationships, we need to improve the relationship we have with ourselves. Although this blog was written in reference to romantic love, ALL of our relationships, friendships and social interactions are influenced by how we think and feel about ourselves. Therefore, isnt it logical to want to improve the relationship we have with SELF ?
Over the years, I’ve learned to value the solitude and freedom of being single, just as much as I value being in a loving and committed relationship. I’m neither afraid to be alone, nor am I afraid to open my heart to someone new. I can honestly say that I fully appreciate both experiences equally, knowing only too well that both have their own set of challenges.
When it comes to love, I refuse to settle for less than we both deserve.
Although I don’t strive for a perfect relationship, I openly admit that I DO want to experience an extraordinary kinda love. And believe that we are ALL worthy and deserving of sharing that experience with someone. I don’t believe it’s an unrealistic dream to have because its something I’ve seen with my own eyes.
Our parents had an extraordinary kinda love ❤️
They met and fell in love when they were only 15 years old, and were together for 50 years. They were legit, each others ONE and ONLY. It was a love that grew deeper and stronger over the years. Neither of them were perfect and they had their fair share of challenges and struggles, but their love really did conquer all.
I grew up observing how our parents loved one another …
I seen them holding hands when they walked
I seen them cuddling up together on the couch
I seen them wrapped up in each other while they slept
I seen them teasing and tormenting one another
I seen them misunderstanding each other
I seen them argue and fight
I seen them suffer when they fought
I seen them kiss and make up
I seen them being playful and passionate
I seen them trigger and push each others buttons
I seen them learning and growing together
I seen them never giving up on each other
Our parents taught me that relationship was wonderful, but not always easy.
Some of the most traumatic memories I have of our parents end of life, was seeing them loosing each other. Baring witness to that kinda suffering triggered something deep within my heart and soul, which my mind still struggles with.
Im gonna share an experience with you …
We had brought Mam home from Dove, knowing we had reached the stage none of us wanted to be at. Mam was sleeping deeper and for longer, so we had very few wakeful moments with her. A friend had dropped off a record player, so Dad was trying to awaken his beloved from her deep sleep with the sound of music. He played songs from their youth and songs she loved, in the hopes of triggering a reaction from her. She continued to sleep, until he played …
“There goes my everything” by Engelbert Humperdink.
Like many others, its an image that has been forever imprinted into my brain because it was felt so deeply with my heart. Mam was sitting on the recliner chair and Dad was sitting on the puffy beside her. Their foreheads were gently touching and they were holding each others hands. Although there were no words spoken, there was so much being said. I recall my sisters and I standing in the room, feeling like we shouldn’t be there because it was so intimate. As if we had just walked in on our parents making love. Although it was a beautiful sight to behold, it was far too painful to watch, so we left.
We stood on the drive way and held each other as our hearts broke 💔
This song was played twice more and it broke our hearts each time 💔
While Mam was taking her final breaths, I picked up my phone to play her some songs. The first song was her favourite “Life in a Northern Town” by The Dream Academy. The second was another song she loved “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. The third and final song was one I didn’t want to play.
I recall looking at my sister, saying “I wasn’t sure which one to play next.” Her reply was, “YES you do.” She was right, I did, but I didn’t want to feel the agony of those words again. But, we knew it was the song Mam had chosen to say her final farewell to her beloved. To Dad, her ONE and ONLY
As the song played, all of our hearts broke and when Mam took her final breath moments later, I felt a part of myself die with her.
Its taken me all day to write this blog because as the memories flow, so have my tears. I hit PAUSE while searching for “There goes my everything” to share with you all. A flicker of red caught the corner of my eye. It was a male King Parrot sitting in the tree outside, which automatically made me think of Mam. She loved them coming to feed in the garden at Yam.
Not long after she died, I had an up close experience with a King Parrot …
I was staying on my ex hubby’s property, seeking solace in Nature, getting ready to confront my first night alone. My youngest son had spent almost a week with me, but he wasn’t keen on being confined to a tent if the rain was settling in. My daughter was gonna stay with me, but she had been called in for a Centrelink appointment. And my eldest son isn’t really keen on camping, so I was preparing myself. It was a secluded rural block, I had no car, limited charge on my phone, it was a Full Blood Moon and a storm was blowing in. As I sat thinking about the fear I knew I had to confront, a King Parrot flew down from the tree and perched itself on the rope of the tent beside me. I was surprised how close he came, as he wandered down until he was at my eye level. I couldn’t believe what he was doing, but when I gazed into his eyes I had a strong sense of Mams spirit, which both comforted and upset me because I felt both love and loss in my heart at once.
Feeling a connection with the King Parrot in present time. I got up to open the screen door to take a closer look, and thats when I noticed the other one. Both the male and female were together. It was no coincidence that they showed up when they did. Whether it was Mam and Dads spirit itself doesn’t matter to me. I know such synchronicity as divine timing. A sign from Spirit, Nature, Universe and the Source of ALL Creation itself, that we are ALL part of something far greater than we can ever fully comprehend.
A revelation …
The evolution of our consciousness is a generational process
Each generation playing an important role, which is WHY our healing matters.
Our parents taught me the importance of communication and compromise in relationship, but my lessons needed to expand beyond their experience of love. Not ALL relationships are destined to grow because not all of us are destined to fall in love and BE with our forever loves. Some of us grow in different directions and experience a variety of different relationships. However, regardless of HOW we learn and grow IN love, our journeys are similar.
I recall the many conversations I’ve had with my Mam over the years, woman to woman. I openly shared my challenges both in relationship and as a single mother, and she (reluctantly at times) shared hers. Although our experiences were different, we shared similar tensions, conflicts, challenges and struggles.
Women are beautiful complex creatures of contradiction, with a strong desire to express and share ourselves in relationship. We grow deeper in love when we are encouraged and supported by our partners to DO that.
But what does it mean “TO BE IN LOVE” ?
My understanding of BEing in love has changed. I noticed how I started to reject the concept of “falling in love” because I had a stronger desire to RISE in love. I didn’t want a man to complete me, I certainly didn’t want to be rescued by a man and I acknowledged my resistance to need a man. The rejection and resistance soon revealed NEW realizations, which continue to guide me IN to explore the shadows of my inner masculine and feminine. To learn how to take full responsibility for my own experience and balance my own energy …
So I can BE the love instead of seeking it from other.
As I read through my Mam’s journals, I recognized the same need to express and share her inner tensions and conflicting truths as I do, but she struggled to get to the core of her challenges. SELF LOVE wasn’t really encouraged nor supported in her generation. It was seen as being selfish. It was more important to BE a good Wife and Mother, and she was one the BEST, but she was so much more than a Wife and Mother. She was a WOMAN with a wild heart, BIG dreams and restless spirit, who wanted more than the mundane routines of life.
I recognized myself in her ❤
Which is probably why we challenged each other so much
Mam achieved her dreams …
To share her life with the man she loved. To have a close relationship with her daughters. To move overseas and explore new lands. To live her best life in a place she described as being “paradise”. To watch her family grow. And to live a good life surrounded by the love of family and good friends.
Dad achieved his dreams too …
To share his life with the woman he loved. To provide for his family. To be a good Father to his daughters. And to live long enough to see his Grandchildren.
Acknowledging that makes me smile 😊