Allow me to introduce you to the face of stress and resistance
Now, there’s a photo to put up on the mantelpiece to scare away the kids
Hopefully it hasn’t scared you off from opening up the blog and reading it
I talk a lot about healing our heart hurts and overcoming our fears because its a process that I’m actively working on myself. I openly share my personal thoughts, feelings and experiences, in the hopes of offering something of value.
Today, I feel compelled to write about our willingness to feel our emotional pain
As some of you know, my heart has been broken open on several occasions and it hasn’t always been pretty. In fact, at times its been down right ugly.
Don’t be fooled by the happy go lucky exterior
Like you, there are times when I loose my shit and fall apart
And as you can see, I’m the odd ball who takes pictures when I do
So, let me tell you about when I took these photos and why I took them
I took them while in Australia, when I first started to write about Mindful Masturbation. During one of my mindful masturbation experiences, I decided to take a photo before, during and after as a sort of visual experiment I suppose.
During this time, I was feeling stuck because I knew it was time to make some BIG changes, but the choices seemed so very challenging. Stress was starting to take its toll because I was feeling very frustrated for several reasons.
My nest was empty because my daughter decided to move out and go live with her best friends parents. I was rarely hearing from or seeing my sons. I was STILL working in the same role because there was little interest or support in my visions to reduce Depression. Turned out that my French lover was a married man and yes, I was STILL in love with another married man.
Basically, I was miserable as fuck
A mood that motivates bad habits, so I was comfort eating and wanking A LOT !!!
I was scoffing food in attempts to eat my feelings and feeling horny, which turns out is a very interesting combination.
Living alone, I was able to fully indulge in whatever mood surfaced. So, I would eat and masturbate whatever and whenever I felt like it. Of course, none of it was really giving me any pleasure because my mind was set on SELF DESTRUCTION mode. Sure, I wasn’t smoking cigarettes, drinking booze or having sex with strangers anymore. But it was self destructive none the less … or was it ?
One day, I was laying on my bed with a full and very uncomfortable belly, after scoffing an entire bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate. As usual, I was far too lazy to take the time and effort to pleasure myself. So I took the vibrator out of the bottom drawer, for a quick sense of relief. As orgasm came, so did the tears.
Yup, there I was laying naked on the bed, legs spread, vibrator hanging out of my vagina and crying my heart out.
Not my sexiest, nor my most proudest moment in life that’s for sure !!!
So, this is how Mindful Masturbation emerged
Because something shifted in my mind that day, after the tears were released
I acknowledged how I was literally “fucking myself”
My masturbation practice wasn’t the SELF LOVING, respectful, honorable and spiritual experience I wanted. So, why then would my relationships be any different ?
So, why on earth am I sharing such a disgracefully embarrassing story ?
Because I wanted to share the beauty of RELEASE and HEALING with you
When I first seen my own face after an experience of healing, I was in complete and utter awe. I stood in front of the mirror, gazing deeply into my own eyes, feeling nothing but love for myself. That was the precise moment when I fell in love with ME
Since then, Ive become more mindful in my masturbation practice
I now acknowledge the difference between when I need physical relief, emotional intimacy, spiritual connection or love, which is having a HUGE and positive impact upon my choices.
My choices are becoming more and more SELF LOVING
Mindful interaction ❤