Do you ever feel like a duck treading water ?

Those times when we are confronting many or major challenges, when life is changing and times are stressful, when we feel completely overwhelmed. When we appear to have our shit together on the surface, yet people are totally oblivious to us paddling like fuck trying to keep our heads above the water

WHAT IF we stopped paddling ? …

… 1 of 3 things could happen and ALL depend upon OUR choice of action

we could TENSE up, sink to the bottom and DROWN

we could RESIST, splash around frantically and continue to STRUGGLE

or we could RELAX, float on our backs and ENJOY THE RIDE

Hmmmm … when it comes to my own experiences of fear, hurt, depression, anxiety, loss, rejection or failure it’s not so easy to RELAX into the thoughts and feelings that often accompany such experiences, hence my STRUGGLE

 Apparently, we privilege our experience of NOW by being more AWARE, whether it be of our feelings, our thoughts or our surroundings …

… but WHAT IF our experience of NOW is shitty and uncomfortable ?

It’s easy to flow and relax into positive experiences, while having the ability to think positive thoughts and being able to flow with positive feelings. But the real challenge is learning how to flow and relax into negative experiences WITHOUT tension, resistance, avoidance or denial …

It’s during times of discomfort that our HABITUAL RESPONSES will often surface. Our defense mechanisms and coping strategies reflected in our choice of action …

 WHAT DO WE DO ? … We light the cigarette, pour the drink, eat too much, don’t eat at all, pull back from people, seek out people, hide in our beds, become more social, sleep too much, don’t sleep at all, bite our nails, run, walk, write, read, draw, have sex, masturbate, blame others, blame ourselves, put things into perspective by comparing our experience with others …

We generally will DO whatever we can to shift the discomfort and feel better. But when we shift our discomfort without understanding it, it will only resurface with more intensity during another challenge or conflict

 Even with this understanding I’ve still been feeling stuck, blocked, restless and completely fucking FRUSTRATED !!!

? ? ? WHY ? ? ?

Hmmmm (she ponders) … is THIS my problem ?

I can relate to the quote being a woman who is striving to LIVE the life she IMAGINES. A woman constantly moving towards accomplishing her goals, while juggling multiple roles and responsibilities. A woman who BELIEVES that she deserves to LIVE her dreams, regardless of the obstacles

RESISTANCE is something I feel, so WHERE is coming from ?

 

I believe … ACCEPTING that our past experiences and future hopes impact upon our experience of NOW is the first step to CHANGING any discomforts or conflicts

I think … DENYING this truth only prevents us from understanding what influences our experience and therefore keeps us stuck in our discomforts or conflicts

Over the years I’ve been learning how to observe my thoughts and be more mindful of my thinking, in attempts to identify any beliefs that no longer align with my wants and needs. I’ve been focusing my attention on my own habits and behaviour in attempts to make better choices. I’ve been allowing my feelings to flow as I stand in and express my truth. I strive to keep myself open to change by focusing my time and energy on healing any hurts, that may be preventing me from moving forward

BUT I still feel stuck … WHY ? ? ?

I used to think that once we became comfortable sitting with our discomforts that something would change. But I found that the more I sat with my discomforts the more comfortable I became sitting with them. This kind of thinking didn’t remove my discomforts, it only increased my ability to be able to BE PRESENT with them

I now ask HOW do I move through and LET GO of my discomforts and conflicts

Something I love about women, is their willingness to SHARE their wisdom and SUPPORT others on their journey. A dear friend held space for me to help me explore some relationship challenges and conflicts. During our discussion I became aware of how the appraisal of my feelings were still reinforcing the belief that my feelings were wrong, not valid or justified. We also identified that I unconsciously attached to some feelings as a form of self punishment (insert gasp)

With this sudden new awareness now popping into my consciousness, it automatically CHANGES my experience as I become more mindful of my thoughts and more aware of my feelings, that may influence my behaviour. Of course this raises MORE discomfort as I begin to process and feel my way through this new realization. My dream state reflected a shift in consciousness, which I always find very exciting and extremely interesting …

My dream was about my teeth crumbling and falling out, followed by my jaw coming away from my face. I recall not feeling pain nor fear, but I was shocked and didn’t understand what was happening …

According to dream analysis a broken jaw reflects a sense of loosing a grip on life, reassessing plans because things aren’t going to plan. What I found VERY interesting was how the dream analyst spoke about how the chosen path taken for career growth suffers primarily due to poor economy, but that this must happen for my own mental and spiritual growth … WTF ? … serious goosey bump moment reading those words. Teeth falling out reflects state of anxiety during radical change, feelings of helplessness and a lack of control over life circumstance and experiences of loss. My dreams raised important questions …

Will I continue to maintain my direction long term, will I make small adjustments or will I take a totally different path ?

How willing or able am I to tolerate the discomfort and tension of the situation I’m in ?

What do I need TO DO to better align with my life and priorities ?

Reminding myself to be patient and compassionate with my changing self is something I need more support with. Learning how to truly love myself for ALL of who I have been, am and will be is sometimes no easy quest and can be quite the adventure …

I am a work in progress … and that is OK

With new realizations and insights I am able to consciously make different CHOICES, which then create opportunities for different experiences

A mind-blowing concept to grasp isn’t it … that WE are in complete control over our experiences, that WE have the ability to create any reality we can imagine, that WE only need identify our resistance to change, that WE just need to make a different choice to have a different experience, that WE are our only limitation

Are YOU open to receive what you want ?

I wrote this in my “CONNECTION” blog a few months ago … 

“To fully appreciate our connection with others we must first honestly identify our own wants and needs … because the more honest we are with ourselves the more we attract with energies that better satisfy our needs, better fulfill our wants and better serve our growth …The universe will connect us with those who are attracted to our energies and we will be attracted to others in the same way … some will connect to our body because they are attracted to how we look … some will connect to our mind because they are attracted to how we think … some will connect to our heart because they are attracted to how we love … some will connect to our soul because they are attracted to who we are … and some will connect to us on ALL levels because they are attracted to YOU for ALL of who you are”

… and I find myself pondering over CONNECTION again

WHAT IF … my feelings of unrest is related to my connection with myself and my experiences of love then being a reflection of that sense of connection ?

As I reflected over my previous intimate connections with men a pattern emerged …

WHO I was attracted to and WHY, which influenced HOW I experienced LOVE

 I learned a long time ago after lots of frustrations and many disappointments, that my happiness is not dependant upon anyone other than myself … Experience has taught me that conflicts within a relationship most certainly reflect our own internal conflicts … So, I created an image to clarify the different levels of love to help make sense of my connection to self and others and identify any experiences of internal conflict or disconnection …

My first “falling into love” experience was with my husband to be when I was 18 years old. I was physically attracted to him, so we connected intially on a sexual level. But he also made me feel safe and secure during a time when I was lost, due to emigration to Australia with my family that literally turned my world upside down and inside out. My love for him deepened over time as we raised our family together, but the more I started to find myself, the more we seemed to drift apart. I started to feel like my need for change and growth was being compromised and so our 11 year marriage eventually ended. Parenthood keeps us connected and its a love I’ve never fallen out of, it’s just changed …

Adjusting to those changes involve ALOT of ongoing self-reflection

After my divorce I was single for about 7 years and although I met many wonderful men and experienced love, I wasnt willing to fall into love with anything less than extraordinary … I wanted more than a sense of safety and I needed to feel more than the twitching in my loins

My second “falling into love” experience was unexpected, not to mention complicated. He was an old friend, in an unhappy marriage who lived at the other side of the world. The distance meant that we connected on an emotional level and my heart was awoken, but it was a long and winding road with far TOO many bumps. We disconnected and reconnected a few times over 7 years because of our unwillingness to let go. Eventually I walked away and am still moving through the process of letting go after a recent reconnection and yet another bumpy ride. TOO many complications and the recognition that he could never really love me in the way I deserved to be loved. A tragic tale of love, about two people destined to connect and awaken but who were never meant to be together. A love I havent yet fallen out of, but it’s changing …

Finding the lesson and healing my hurts is still an ongoing process … HOW do you let go of a love that never was yours to begin with … HOW do you gain closure from a relationship that never was ?

 

 My third “falling into love” experience was during a disconnection with my 2nd love, with a man who stimulated my mind. We connected on an intellectual level and I was attracted to how he expressed himself through the written word. He was a beautiful man with a childlike wonder, who helped me to see the world through a different lens, which opened up new and wonderful perspectives. An intriguing man with an unfortunate past that created walls and barriers, which I was unable to break through. I started to feel like my need for intimacy was being compromised and so our 18 month relationship eventually ended because I needed MORE than companionship

 

My fourth “falling into love” experience was a recent intense and brief encounter, during a time of healing. I was attracted to his energy and our chemistry was something I’ve never experienced before. It was a connection that shifted lots of emotion around during a time of intense heart hurt. But recent conflict has forced me to confront myself before I loose myself. I am a woman without inbetweens. I am either ALL in or not at all

I used to believe that true love was about meeting our soul mates and living happily ever after … but then LIFE happened and my experiences have certainly changed my beliefs about love. I now believe that WE are our own true love and that our life lessons are our soul mates. I believe that we are destined to connect with those who teach us something about ourselves because its our lesson to learn. I believe nothing lasts forever when our intention is to learn and grow. I believe that we connect with others to awaken or let go of something. I believe that finding the reasons for our connections, attractions, loves and losses is challenging because it forces us to confront ourself

 How do YOU think, feel, connect and love YOURSELF ?

WHAT IF our progressive spiritual growth depends upon our love connections ? ? ?

WHAT IF we opened ourselves up to love instead of closing our hearts in fear ? ? ?

WHAT IF we believed that what we need is what we deserve ? ? ?

WHAT IF we are destined to connect with many souls in our life time ? ? ?

If I had listened to others who cared for me, those who wanted to guide me in other directions to avoid hurts, instead of trusting my own instincts, then I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t have the insights I can now see. I wouldn’t have the depth of understanding I now understand. I wouldn’t have the questions I now ask

I AM a woman who seeks experiences and so I will always be attracted to those connections that make me feel, think or see something I never have before …

I AM a woman who will compromise my wants for those I love but not if it means compromising what I need … because I am learning to trust, believe and LOVE myself enough to let go of anything that no longer serves my growth

I AM a woman falling into love with HERSELF

 

Today .. I’m feeling a little emotional as I physically LET GO of some emotional attachments to the past. I’ll be honest, I wasnt expecting to feel this way … I mean who cries over a book-case and a dismantled bed for fooksakes ? ? ?

        

Someone who appreciates the sentimental value of our belongings

Someone who remembers buying them with her husband as they began their life together and became a family

Someone who believes that our energies are transferred into those things we love

Someone who has many memories attached to them

I sat at my sisters place the other day. Her daughter in the chair fiddling with her phone, pretending not to be listening to what we were yakking on about. Her son in his bedroom chatting to my son about computer games. Her dogs sitting at the back door waiting patiently for their evening meal. Her cat prowling around the house being mischievous. Her husband busying himself in the back yard …

… and my heart ached a little

Dont get me wrong, I have no regrets about my life choices … but letting go of those final pieces of furniture, reminded me of how we can sometimes become attached to how we think our lives should be, instead of embracing ALL of what our life could be

I’ve been consciously moving through my own process of healing. Letting go of all the hurts and disappointments that keep pulling me back from living the life I want. And the more I do … the more I want to let go and free fall into life

When we focus our attention on our own thinking, feeling, being and doing … we begin to realize how our own thoughts, emotions, beliefs and behaviours influence our experiences … we begin to understand how we are holding ourselves back … and we begin to experience a sense of freedom when we LET GO

I imagine a life with less attachments and more connections

I imagine a life with less excuses not to and more reasons TO DO

I imagine a life with less baggage that holds me back and more freedom to let me go

I imagine a life with less unstimulating routines and more wonderful adventures

I imagine a life with less stress and more excitement

I imagine a life with less fear and more LOVE

CHANGE was something that made me feel uncomfortable … but WHY ? ? ?

Because I grew up in the UK where nothing much changed, so I felt very protected and safe surrounded by familiarity and security. My first BIG change happened when I was 17 years old, when I emigrated to Australia with my family. It was a shock to the system and wasnt experienced as a positive, because I struggled to find my way and lost myself in the process of change

Hence, my fear of change …

When we choose to live a more conscious life then one thing is for certain, change will be consistent. I can honestly say that I no longer fear change … I CRAVE it !!!