Drinking my coffee this morning, I thought about a conversation between a Father and his daughter.

While sharing her frustrations about life, he took (3) pots of the same size, filled them all with equal amounts of water and put them on the stove to boil. The daughter continued to talk about the problems she was confronting, as the Father placed eggs in one pot, potatoes in the second and coffee beans in the third. The daughter watched impatiently, wondering what he was doing. After 20 minutes the Father turned off the stove, spooned out the eggs and potatoes, placing them into separate bowls, and poured the coffee into a cup.

“What do you see?” he asked his daughter.

“Eggs, potatoes and coffee,” she replied.

“Look closer,” he said. So, she leaned in for a closer look …

The eggs had hardened under the shell, the potatoes were softened and the smell of coffee made her smile.

“What does it all mean?” she asked.

All (3) faced the same problem, but each of them reacted differently, based on what they were made of. The potatoe went in hard and came out softer. The egg went in soft with only a thin shell protecting it, but when put in boiling water it hardened up on the inside. But the coffee was different because it transformed into something else. Blending with the water, making itself and the water better.

So, when ever you’re faced with a problem, what do YOU want to BE?

It’s the first Full Moon of a New Year

“Our soul is calling us to stay true to our path. To hold true to our visions and do the steadfast work to move towards it. Lighting the way forward so everyone can reap the rewards.”

If like me, you’re experiencing a loss of some kind, then trust you are being guided to let go and release what’s no longer serving you.

I reflect back to the questions that came up for me during the last New Moon …

What kicked off for you in 2020?
What action did you see unfolding?
Any similar themes from the past repeating?
Any opportunities to make a different choice?
Any opportunities to break a negative pattern?

The answers are my realizations and insightful a-ha moments. Reflective of the lessons I’m learning and the changes I’m making.

As I reflect over what kicked off for me in 2020 and how the year unfolded, I acknowledge the challenges, conflicts and opportunities. I trust that everything is as it should be for reasons I may not fully understand yet … and that’s OK.

Although I had hoped for a different outcome, I’m grateful for the experiences we shared. I never regret my choices in love because no matter how things flow, our relationships serve to teach us important lessons in love.

I want us all to experience the liberations of spirit, not the fear and suffering of loss. So, I forgive and release myself from any karmic contracts I’ve been bound to in this lifetime. Acknowledging those energies are no longer aligning with me. I accept what is and let go of what’s not meant for me, because when I do our souls are free to evolve and move on.

Blessed BE ♥️

New Year’s Eve is a time to reflect …

I feel the significance of this FULL MOON in Cancer being divinely timed. Cancer is the archetypal sign of Mother (my rising sign). An energy that’s strongly connected to the Moon and therefore our emotional ebbs and flows.

This energy stirs up our emotional sensitivities, causing us to act out seeking reassurance, which is a deeper need for greater emotional security. During these times we benefit most by reminding ourselves how other people show their love and how we’re part of something far greater than ourselves. I still get reactive to these energies, but reflection brings insight.

I can fully appreciate how Cancer is my rising sign because it definitely challenges me to rise above my emotional reactions. I feel this energy strongly within my heart, which is where I experience anxiety and why I resonate with the Mother in all her forms. According to the star gazers the opposite of Cancer is Capricorn. The archetypal sign of Father (my sun sign). An energy that’s strongly connected to the Sun, our sense of awareness and the ego. I feel this energy within my head, which is where I experience my inner conflicts and why I resonate with the Father in all his forms.

I process these energies in my guts, which is why my appetite, digestion and bowel motions are affected by what I consume, what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. An experience that continues to teach me about the kind of relationship I have and want with my body.

Although I continue to struggle with my own personal challenges, I keep connecting to a deeper sense of collective conscience. Every 2,150 years we experience an astrological age shift, which has now shifted into Aquarius (my moon sign). This energy reflects our inner self and the unconscious. 2020 has challenged each and everyone of us to go deeper, to look beyond and to go further than any one of us could ever imagine was possible. What that means to us will depend upon our journeys.

I shuffled the tarot cards this morning and (3) cards jumped out together while shuffling …

THE OUTSIDER: feeling left out or excluded can reflect a transitional period. To connect with existence we must go in towards our center. We may have been physically disconnected from our Mother, but this doesn’t disconnect us from the Universe of consciousness. That’s a connection we feel deep within us.

NEW VISION: I noticed a geometric symbol on the card I’ve often scribbled when doodling. A square with a cross inside and triangle on top.

⏹️ Represents the physical & known.
🔼 Represents the power of (3).
⏺️ Represents the spirit.

I recall Mam showing us how to draw this house without taking our pen off the paper. This card reminds us to allow ALL of life’s colours to penetrate us because it’s how we become more integrated and whole.

THE FOOL: is symbolic of trust and innocence. Trusting our intuition even if our actions can appear foolish to others or yourself. Allowing whatever experience coming to you to happen. Staying present and being vulnerable even if cheated, deceived or robbed because what is truly yours and meant for you cannot be taken.

Hmmmmm 🤔

If you’re still reading this then you’re obviously interested in what I have to share. I resonate strongly with these cards because they reflect my personal struggles over the last (3) weeks and my challenges in relationship and life.

To respond with love instead of reacting in fear. To love another from a deeper sense of connection, based on my wholeness instead of a need, based on an unhealthy attachment. To express not suppress. To speak my truth. To follow my heart, trust the process and believe in myself. To have faith in human kindness and hope for a better world. To BE the LOVE ❤️

What inspires YOU to be more?

Reflect upon what’s challenged you, energized you, drained you, healed you, supported you, inspired you and changing you. Remember the moments that have brought you to this place.

What did you fear most?
Did you confront and rise above it?
Was there sorrow in your heart?
Did you feel and release it?
Were there doubts in your mind?
Did you gain clarity and grow from it?

As I reflect over the lessons of 2020, I step into 2021 with less fear and more love in my heart. Holding onto my vision and trusting in the divine order of our own personal evolution.

BE true to yourself✌️🥰

Have you ever observed your own reactions? I have and it’s hard to look down upon yourself when you don’t like what you see.

I’m a lover, not a fighter but that doesn’t mean there’s no conflict or battles. There’s often a push and pull between my lower and higher self.

Both the beautiful flawed human BE-ing of complex contradictions and the enlightened spiritual BE-ing of love and light I am.

Even when I’m conscious of this inner tension, I still get pulled back into the old stories of limitation. Being impulsively reactive to my triggers instead of respectfully responsive.

The struggle is all too fucking real !!!

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and function to the best of my ability somewhere in-between. Is what I’ve been telling myself for the past 4 years. It’s how I got through some of the hardest and most challenging times of my life.

But this motto is no longer serving my highest good. It doesn’t serve me to think about what could go wrong. It doesn’t serve me to create different scenarios and possibilities in my mind. It doesn’t serve me to give the what ifs my time or energy.

I’ve been living in a state of conflict for many years. Torn between two hemispheres (UK and Australia). Torn between the light and darkness. Torn between fear and love. Torn between life and death. Torn between hope and despair. So it’s not surprising that when those conflicts resolve, I feel a sense of uneasiness.

So much uncertainty in the NEW

I’ve been struggling to just BE in relationship with someone who wants nothing more than to just BE with me.

I wanted MORE !!!

I was creating conflict by telling myself the man I love doesn’t desire me enough, doesn’t need what I need, doesn’t want what I want, doesn’t see what I see. Thoughts that made me feel suppressed and manipulated. Was I settling for less than I deserve? Feelings that kept fueling an internal split and external seperation. Creating a sense of disconnection from the one I desperately wanting to connect with.

No, the one wasn’t he, it was ME ❤️

My healing process has been about integrating fragmented parts of myself. Embodying the truth of who I am, by loving those parts I’ve rejected and denied in the past. Our healing requires us to become whole, which is why relationship triggers us so much.

  Just BE …

Is something my higher self does with ease, but my lower self is reactive to what’s seen or felt. Although I know I’m more than my thoughts and feelings, I still feel the weight in my head when I’m holding onto old stories of limitation. And I still feel the heaviness in my heart when I’m drowning in the depths of my emotions.

That’s when I get lost inside myself
That’s where drama is created
That’s how I feed fear and fuel doubt
That’s why stress is experienced
That’s what I’m ready to change
That’s what I release this Full Moon

There’s no shame in being reactive to our triggers. Unless these things surface to be seen, felt and processed they cant be released.

NOW more than ever is the time to BE more fully present in-between love/fear, light/dark, life/death. To integrate the polarities and BE an embodiment of experience.

I’m far from perfect, but my growth game is strong 💪😍

Sitting on the bank of yet another dry river bed, I picked up 3 stones and thought about my sisters. How we are the same, but different. As I looked out upon a river of stones, I thought about how each and every one of us are the same, but different. Yet we live in a culture that strives to organise and conform us, by giving us labels and ticking boxes so we can fit in. I believe that’s why so many of our systems claiming to provide “person centred care” in theory are struggling to provide it in practice.

Reflecting over recent tensions with my partner I see how the same but different is usually the source of our conflict. Living this kinda lifestyle in a new relationship means we get to see the best and worst of each other very quickly, and without the filters and masks. We are complete opposites in so many ways, but sometimes we are also mirrors of reflection. That’s why we both challenge and compliment one another.

Our relationships challenge us to look beyond ourselves. When we struggle to respect our differences, then there’s something separating us. That’s when we are invited to dig deeper, to find the source of our tensions and conflicts.

Unfortunately, we don’t always have the time to privilege those important reflections and conversations with ourselves, let alone with each other. Our multiple roles and many responsibilities usually take priority, so our inner tensions build and our conflicts create additional stress to our already busy lives.Then we wonder why we suffer from dis-ease 🤷

I broke up with stress years ago, knowing it’s the biggest source of our suffering, but the challenges persist. I’m living the dream with more freedom than I’ve ever experienced before, but restrictions persist. Truth is, if life was without challenges or restrictions, then there would be no opportunity for growth.

This month’s descent with the dark moon has been a little more challenging to navigate. My insecurity button has been flashing red, so my sensitivities were heightened. But I’ve surfaced with a clearer realization I wish to share …

Communication is a key to change 🗝️ but it requires us to unlock the limitations in our own minds, so we can release the LOVE in our ❤️

Surprised when my guts started to growl again, because I’d already been for my morning elimination. An overwhelming sense of urgency to empty had me retreating back to the toilet block …

… in a hurry.

Waves of energy began to flow through my body as my bowel contracted. My fingers and toes began to tingle, then my body temp dropped and I began to feel faint. Billy must have sensed what was happening because he ran into the toilet block, sticking his nose under the cubicle, as if checking on me. I was too busy focusing on not fainting, taking deep breaths. Trying not to fall like a sack of potatoes onto the floor. I watched him through the cubicle crack. Noticing how he sat outside, facing the toilet I was in.

Every bowel contraction made me feel weaker and weaker. The tingling in my fingers and toes spreading into limbs. My arms and legs numb, cold and pulsating. Although my body temperature had dropped I began to sweat. The cold icy kinda sweats we get as something toxic leaves our body. When we’re sweating out the flu, fighting a virus, eliminating poison or releasing our shit.

Whatever the fuck was leaving my body, it was toxic for sure.

There’s so much more to our digestion and elimination process than a physical act. We digest more than food and release more than shit.

Our body is in constant communication with us, but how often do we listen?

NO, I don’t have irrital bowel syndrome (IRS) because I don’t suffer from constipation. My body doesn’t hold onto shit because I talk about the shitful stuff we usually hold onto.

These kinda episodes usually happen to me when I’m fighting my inner demons, manifesting as symptoms of anxiety and/or depression.

IBS sufferers often go through these kindsa “exorcising inner demons” episodes after constipation. Although there’s physical causes for this, we benefit from responding Whole-istically, rather than limiting our focus on symptom management.

That’s why I share my experiences …

Over the last few days my insecuritues have been triggered. I was thrown back into the fear of loss. Once again, overwhelmed with feelings of uncertainty, as I walk through the dream, that is my life.

Yesterday, as emotions intensified, I began to feel more and more detached from reality. I didn’t want to feel connected to anything or anyone because I didn’t want to feel the intensity of my emotions, or process the conflictions of thought weighing heavily in my mind. I just wanted to zone out and not think or feel.

As a nurse, I’m well aware of the physical causes of IBS and the “shits”, but my desire to heal keeps inviting me to dive deeper. To explore how our limited beliefs, thoughts and emotions influence the flow of our energy, that impacts upon our health and wellbeing. If we focus solely on the physical manifestation of symptoms without exploring other possibilities, then we give our power away. Missing opportunities to find the medicine we need to heal.

Fortunately, my partner is open to talk about the shit, but I’ve been struggling to find the source of my insecurity. Unsure why I’m being triggered back into the old stories of limitation, that serve to hold me back. His soulful depths is what I love most about the man he is. I feel safe to be myself. Sharing the truth of who I am, however ugly it may be. As trust builds and our love deepens, I finally feel growth in relationship.

I needed reminded …

When I’m triggered I can either BE reactive (or) observe and BE aware of what’s happening within me.

If emotion is energy in motion, then our feelings are supposed to flow. If the story we attach to emotion creates discomfort. Then we either keep repeating old patterns of thinking (or) break the cycle by making a difference choice.

That is the NEW storylines !!!

Although I have many conversations with spirit, can sometimes see and often feel spirit in Nature, sense the presence of ghosts and know I could tap into this sight, a fear of ghosts still lingers.

I had another unsettling dream that brought this fear to the surface to be seen. So, this dark moon I’ve been reflecting upon it.

When I was a young girl, I had a nightmare (or visit), who knows for sure. My parents told me I was afraid of the big woman and little man in my bedroom, which is the earliest memory I can recall that may have triggered a fear of ‘ghosts.’ Mam shared her experiences with spirit and Dad told us magical stories, that made me feel safer to explore Otherworldly possibilities. Then I started to watch horror movies and seen a darker side that scared me.

Our imaginations can either create a fantasy or a fear. To either explore our wildest dreams or our worst nightmares. We experience fantasy and fear stories in the movies we watch and the books we read. Or, we ourselves are having the experiences that can become the stories other people watch and read. As a writer, both life and death are a  source of inspiration.

So, why am I writing about ghosts?

We’re camping at Mary Kathleen, which is an abandoned mining community that’s now a ghost town. So, dreaming about ghosts isn’t all that surprising.

In the dream Stan was taking me to haunted places without me knowing, as part of a shamanic initiation. I was being tested, to see if I was able to tune into the negative energies and transcend the darkness into light. Although that’s not necessarily the reality of what is, dreams explore our conscious and unconscious mind, which is why our dreams can and do guide us in our waking life. It’s why psychoanalyst’s study dreams, Sharman’s experience altered states of consciousness, and I suppose it’s also why I descent deeper into my own psyche during dark moons.

I recall another unsettling dream I had while camping at another abandoned place. A stock man’s yard near Rainbow Valley. I’ve since been told that this place (like many others) is haunted because of what happened on the land in the past. Whether that’s true, who really knows for certain, but I have had afew interesting experiences.

My dream being one of them.

I can’t even be sure that I was asleep and dreaming that night because the fear began to surface while I was laying awake in bed. A paranoid thought popped into my head about being in an unknown place with no phone reception, that triggered my fear. What was a beautiful vast and expansive valley of rocks and caves during the day, suddenly became something sinister and dangerous. As the wind blew through the night, I listened to the old windmill creaking in the distance. Imagining people with ill intent emerging from the deepest, darkest caves and descending the mountain towards us. While Stan slept soundly, I was preparing for our fateful demise, planning how I would begin the fight for our lives. Perhaps that’s when I drifted over to sleep and found myself at the abandoned stock man’s yard? Maybe it was just a dream? Perhaps I had an out of body experience and my spirit was exploring another reality?

I don’t know for certain if I was awake or asleep, but I do recall the dream.

I was at the abandoned stock man’s yard, standing in front of the (3) rusted single beds we had seen sitting on the bank of the dry riverbed, but they were no longer empty. Aboriginal women were laying on them, but they were tied up. I looked around and seen a group of white men sitting around the campfire drinking and noticed aboriginal men hiding out of sight. I was there, but only as an observer. So, I watched as the men fought and blood was shed because land had been taken and their women raped. I felt these negative energies flowing through me like a raging storm. The darkness threatening to consume me as I found myself surrounded by their shadows.

The word FORGIVENESS came to mind and although unspoken spirit responded. First, the women found forgiveness in their hearts and they transformed into light, then the aboriginal men found forgiveness in their hearts and they transformed into light. The white men struggled and had to dig much deeper to find forgiveness. It’s easier to forgive others, but much harder to forgive our own wrong doings. Eventually they found forgiveness in their hearts and also transformed into light.

A few days after this troubling dream, I sat naked on top of the mountain overlooking the valley as the sun was rising. Listening to “Amen, by Enigma.” The words touch something deep within me. I outstretched my arms and had a powerful vision of having rainbow wings. The following day Stan and I both felt ready to pack up and move on towards Uluru, that was calling to us both.

Now, that’s a story for another time …

Although I believe in spirit, I’m still afraid to see ghosts because it’s a fear that’s constantly fed by the scary movies I sometimes watch. Knowing what my fear feeds upon, is the key to rising above them, which is why I dive into the depths of my mind and look beyond myself. I knew illumination was the focus of this month’s dark moon when the glow from the Waning Moon woke me at 3am the other night. As the nights sky gets darker, the deeper I seem to descent into my psyche.

It’s been an interesting few days …

My initial response to Stan’s suggestion to walk in the dark the other night was “no thanks”. He invited me to take a walk without a torch and sit in the dry riverbed in the dark, alone. My overactive imagination was already having a field day, so I didn’t really want to encourage it? Then we talked some more about how our experiences of the dark provide us with valuable opportunities, to not only confront our deeper fears, but also the darker aspects of ourselves. So, I decided to accept his invitation, acknowledging I didn’t want to do it alone.

I shared how fear had paralyzed me the night I was alone on John’s property, during a blood full moon on a stormy night. How I had stayed in the tent like a scared rabbit, too afraid to step outside into the darkness and witness the beauty of Nature. I was lost deep inside my head, recalling every scary movie I had ever seen. Imagining all manner of evils lurking outside the tent, waiting to inflict pain and suffering.

This NEW MOON these are the questions that have surfaced for me …

What is my greatest challenge?
What is my biggest conflict?
Where does the darkness take me?
What am I afraid to see, feel, release?
What fear is feeding the shadows?
How am I inspiring a better world?

My beliefs and perceptions are no longer limited, but constantly shifting in response to new experiences that challenge my sense of reality. So, I can explore the possibility of creating NEW story lines, which the Indigenous describe as the New Dreaming.

My greatest challenge is learning how to live in a constant state of movement and flow. My biggest conflict is how old stories can and do still influence my thoughts and feelings. But I know that the darkness takes me to whatever demands to be seen, felt or released. So I can release what no longer serves my highest good or the greater good of all.

I no longer believe that ghosts and spirits are the same thing, I believe there’s a difference between the two. I understand spirit to be the essence of who we are, which is an energy that never dies. The word “ghost” has a different feel to it. I wonder if a ghost haunts places and people because it’s a spirit unable to fully transition into the essence of what they truly are? I wonder if the past haunts us in the same way because we’re unable to accept and flow with the natural changes and transformations of life?

Maybe that’s why it makes me think about our relationship with grief and loss? Perhaps holding onto the past is why we suffer from the death of our loved ones? Maybe our lesson is to become one with spirit, so we don’t experience the disconnection?

What if that connection can change how we experience death?

All I know for certain is that it’s changing my own experience for the better, which is why I’m sharing it with you.

Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of heights, but of falling. I conquered my fear of heights by climbing mountains. Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of death, but of living without those I love. I’m rising above the fear by learning how to live with my parents in spirit. Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of the dark, but of what I “think” is hiding in it. I’m rising above the fear by exploring the darkness. I acknowledge that I’m less afraid of ghosts because I’m releasing myself from the past. Stepping into an unknown future that’s full of limitless possibilities. Although there’s no security or certainty in that truth, there’s plenty of magick to be found, which is why I continue to trust the process, believe in myself, have faith in the path and find the courage to shine a light upon the darkness.