Words is all I have to offer right now, but they flow from my open heart. So I hope they fall upon you gently as you read.

I’ve been through some mighty challenging emotional storms while here in the UK. But the biggest is happening right now. Afew weeks ago our family was hit with the devastating news, that both of our beloved parents now have what the Doctors say is “incurable” cancer. News that’s knocked the wind out of each and everyone of us.

As I flow through my own personal storm, I’m so very grateful for the presence of the man I love. He neither tries to rescue me nor fears the storm, which is exactly what I need, even when it’s not always what I want. During the chaos of the storm, my shadow stuff shows up. Self sabotage that tries to push away that what I fear to loose. Yet, he not only stays, he waits. He not only holds me, he lets me go.

The last few weeks have tested us all, as our greatest fears and deepest wounds begin to manifest into our reality. Its a storm that still rages, but we sail in the same ship (so to speak). Each one of us with special skills that play an important role in the challenges that lie ahead of us.

Imagine, a crew aboard a mighty ship, sailing through a great storm … that’s my family.

Being here, I feel helpless, as if watching my family far out at sea, fighting for their lives. A desperation that screams deep within me because I can’t reach them and I can’t save them. Unable to do anything other than watch from a distance and pray.

It’s a feeling that keeps bringing me to my knees into a state of sweet surrender. A place that opens me up to a rush of energy that keeps lifting me back up. Building an inner strength that fills the warrior of love with light.

Yes, that is who I AM

I AM a warrior of love and I work with the light. I dive willingly into the depths of darkness and dance with the shadows of the mind, because I can see the flickers of light within it and YOU.

I have faith in my family and respect the purpose of this storm of all storms. I call upon Universe and completely trust in the process. Because when a “cure” isn’t available, then we are invited to dig deeper into each of our personal resources and support the HEALING.

Mindful interaction ❤

We ALL experience the suffocating symptoms of depression at some stage of our lives. Some poor souls suffer from a constant state of depression.

So … how the fuck do we flow with symptoms of depression ? ? ?

When it shows up in my life …

I take deep breaths ALOT !!!!!

Breathing into my emotions and allowing them to flow, without trying to deny how I truly FEEL

I journal ALOT !!!!!

Observing my mind chatter, without becoming consumed by the fears or dwelling in the hurts

I trust the process for what it IS …

A natural response to a challenging situation

Change isn’t always easy
Growth isnt always comfortable
Healing isn’t always pleasant

I focus on what I CAN DO instead of holding onto frustrations about what I cannot change

I can choose to nurture myself
I can choose to nourish myself
I can choose to express myself
I can choose to NOT push myself to DO
I can choose to encourage myself to BE
I can choose to LOVE myself
I can choose to seek support

Reminding myself about life’s blessings helps me to appreciate what IS good in my life. A gratitude journal is a great idea because the more grateful we are, the better we feel about ALL of life’s experiences, even our challenges.

I’m always grateful for the opportunity to better understand myself. Because I believe that symptoms of depression and the experience of grief, guides me inwards on purpose.

To shine light on my darkness

But why do our thoughts torture us ?

I believe its because there’s something to be found in the darkness of our minds. I don’t believe everything I think but I know that my irrational thoughts guide me deeper into the source of my suffering. Supporting my desire to OPEN and my need to HEAL

Mindful interaction ❤

My 3am writing about “shadow” turned into a spontaneous wild woman meditation, which started with a song that compelled me to re-close the curtains and light the candles.

Oh how I LOVE when spirit leads 😊

I needed to dance, so I selected the music that I was guided towards. The first piece was “Peruquois – I am She”

My body moved slowly to the beat and with the words “I am OPEN to receive … I surrender” I felt the Goddess energy stir and rise within me. Goosy bump feel goods vibrated through, from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes. Universe was flowing through me.

“Anilagh – Medicine Chant” was next.

A beat that stirred something primal within me. To anyone watching, I must have looked like a mad woman who was completely out of control.

Because the WILD woman, is fierce …

She is FREE !!!

The wild woman moved my body with a different kind of rhythm. She doesn’t hold back. Every muscle and bone was thrust into action. Movement that woke up every cell in my tired body.

Liberating me from myself

My gaze softened and my body opened up more and more and more. Music that guided my head back, so I could look upon the heavens. Movements that flung my arms open again and again and again. As my chest expanded and my back arched, I felt the stretch happening from a place deep within me.

Oh how wonderful it felt to BREAK FREE

When the music stopped, my body was still buzzing. Although every part of me was awoken, a sense of calmness relaxed me into a deep sleep. The kind of meditation that heals the soul.

Mindful interaction ❤

There are several discomforts and challenges in my life at the moment

Its a struggle to stay centered, balanced and focused because my mind keeps racing with thoughts and my heart is heavy with emotions.

The flow is sometimes like a raging current

Tensions and inner conflict are making me feel uneasy

A battle between the OLD and the NEW

The way I understand, function and experience myself in the world is forever changing. So, I want to write about my experiences with a little more honesty.

  The more truths I confront, masks I drop, darkness I shine light on, shadows I embrace, polarities I balance, wounds I expose and fears I rise above, the more I appreciate how important these experiences are in our process of healing.

Ive filled yet another journal with my thoughts and feelings (note to self: buy another journal). But I often struggle to express myself fully in my blog, which Ive identified as being my resistance to talk openly about my experiences. Acknowledging that the reason I hold back is because my experiences involve other people, so I’m respecting their privacy. But how can I write openly about my experiences if I keep omitting parts of the story ?

Hmmmmmm … she ponders

Ive been reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings around others are rooted heavily in love and my intentions is to support healing and growth. My instincts are telling me that …

NOW is the time for Breaking the Habitz to BREAK FREE !!!

Daring to write my blog entries in the same format as I journal my thoughts and feelings puts me into a state of panic. But as a writer, I want my words to be dripping in more soulful substance (note to self: DON’T buy a journal, BLOG it)

Oh heck !!!

I’m already squirming in my chair … are YOU ?

But I acknowledge that the challenges I confront, make for some juicy journaling. And my writing continues to guide me well through my own life, so I would like to share that process a little more openly with you all.

What will I write about first ?

It makes sense to write about whats causing me the most discomfort NOW, which is the anxiety I’m feeling in my heart … watch this space

Mindful interaction ❤

Today, I took myself to Blenheim Palace because I wanted to see the rose gardens and I needed to spend some time with the mighty oaks. I needed to be held by something bigger, stronger and wiser than myself.

I wandered a while, hugged a few trees, followed a trail of white feathers to the rose gardens, smelled the roses and found myself a nice quiet spot to sit.

My uncertainty leaves me feeling weary, so I lay down. Focusing on my breath, I drifted in and out of sleep, sobbing into the grass.

Connecting my heart with Mumma Earth

  After a little while, I sat up and started to write in my journal. As the words flowed onto the paper, the tears continued to flow from my heart.

As a family, our whole world has been shaken up

Our hearts are breaking  for each other

Two ducks waddled over and sat down beside me. I appreciated the company because I was feeling so very alone in my grief. I kept writing and sobbing, but they stayed. One made herself comfortable beside me on the right and the other nestled down behind my back. They closed their eyes and rested beside me. I felt blessed to have them near because their presence offered me a sense of comfort.

When the words eventually stopped flowing and the tears ran dry, I laid myself back down and rested with them. Neither of them stirred as I fidgeted around, making myself comfortable. They were so close, I could reach out and touch their beautiful feathers.

I woke suddenly with a thought … “Jemima Puddle Duck”

Our beloved Grandma (Ma), Mams mother, Violet had a Jemima Puddle Duck on her kitchen window sill. And for years she searched the Sunday markets for a male companion to sit with her, whom she found a week before she fell to the kitchen floor from a massive heart attack.

I asked the ducks “is this you Ma and Da” .. to which they both opened their eyes

The little brown duck gave a little quack, got up and started to waddle off. The bigger duck, looked at me, then followed his mate.

My heart burst open and I cried tears of gratitude

The ducks came to deliver a special message of LOVE

I know the message they gifted me will touch the heart of all my family and friends and I hope it inspires you all to OPEN up to the magic of Nature, Spirit and Universe.

Mindful interaction ❤

Change, its in the air again …

Tension rises within me
A conflict between what is and what is becoming
No longer standing at the crossroads
My internal compass guides the way forward
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

My heart feels anxious
Unsure about the road ahead
Uncertain about whats yet to come
Unsettled about how it will come to pass
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

My mind is quiet
Accepting the lack of control
Surrendering to the flow
Fully present in the moments
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Waiting for answers
Wondering about solutions
Hoping for the best
Preparing ourselves for the worst
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Old patterns are falling away
New energies are emerging
Consciously releasing what no longer serves me
Understanding the manifestations
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Universe has heard our prayers
But its difficult to accept the gift which as been delivered
Even harder to appreciate the beauty of the healing experience
So she falls into the abyss and trusts the process of change
Note to self …. BREATHE !!!

Mindful interaction ❤

During our greatest challenges there’s an opportunity to move from fear to LOVE ❤

As a family we always HOPE for the best, while preparing for the worst. We FEEL the blows and together we ride the waves of the storm. No matter where we are on the globe we know love knows no bounds.

Truth is, nothing can be healed until it arises into consciousness and manifests itself into reality.

If its happening, its here.

So stand up to the fear and acknowledge the worst case scenario. Say it out loud and give it a voice SCREAM if you must, cry your fucking heart out, curse the heavens, just EXPRESS whatever arises within YOU ….. then exhale

BREATHE deeply and consciously into your heart space. Allow the thoughts and feelings to flow without attaching to them …. observe

LISTEN to what your soul wants

and DO it !!!

For me time in NATURE reconnects me to my truth and reminds me of the bigger picture.

LIGHT shines brightest in the dark
MAGIC is always within and around us
LOVE will set us free

Mindful interaction ❤

My hearts breaking and it hurts to breathe
I desperately need more support
I need to know why the fuck this is happening ?
So I take a walk through the Nature Reserve
I notice the little things
The trees help me to breathe easier
I find a quiet spot to sit and contemplate
Listen to the birds sing and the bees hum
Watch the butterflys and the bunnys at play
Feel the cool air on my cheek
Smell the sweet scent of wild flowers
Curl up onto my side and drift off to sleep
(my kinda meditation)
Roll over onto my tummy
My heart beats against the soft earth
Soothing my heart
I stand and look down
See several empty snail shells on the ground
Snails have been popping up alot lately
Note to self: google spiritual message later
Take afew more steps
See 2 small fuzzy white angel feathers
Take afew more steps
See another lone golden wish clock
I feel the magic in the air
Carry on walking
A young priest passes by with his dog
A word pops into my mind … FAITH
I still don’t have all the answers
But my heart feels calmer and it softens
Fear fades with each exhale
And LOVE begins to fill my lungs
Faith makes all things possible
It’s a belief in that what we can’t see

Mindful interaction ❤