A different experience is only a choice away

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I took this photo after my shower yesterday, to capture the mood I was in.

I noticed the “I’m” and I began to write …

I’m still feeling kinda dreamy after the last New Moon cycle. This dark moon wasn’t as dark as it has been in the previous months. The descent into the Underworld of shadows didn’t feel as heavy. My period was flowing, but I had very little discomfort. My Moon flow was lighter and I felt lighter within myself too. So, I pondered over the changes.

I’ve had 2 challenging nightshifts, but I’m in a different mindset. I don’t feel stuck or trapped somewhere I don’t want to be anymore. So I’m flowing with a little less resistance. Challenges and concerns can and still DO overwhelm me, but I appreciate these experiences as valuable opportunities to learn from.

My heart’s back IN the work again ❤

While tending to the cares of a palliative client, I heard his wife sobbing behind the curtain. I didn’t walk away or ask my collegue to check on her. I knew she needed to know she wasn’t alone, so I sat down beside her bed and held her hand. She told me how much she loved her husband, and that she didn’t know what to do. I could feel the pain in her heart, but seen the love and light shining from her eyes. So I shared the words that came from my heart.

“Just keep loving him” ❤

She smiled and her tears fell, as did mine

I cried for her, for the loss she was feeling
I cried for him, for the life he was loosing
I cried for me, for the deaths I have faced
I cried for us, for the loves we have lost

This New Moon brought my BIGGER dreams to the surface, which is why I’ve been feeling kinda dreamy. Over the last few days I’ve been journalling about what experiences I want to manifest. Focusing on all areas of my life, but intimate relationship was significant.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with my “friendships” with men. So, I’ve been reflecting over my choices in love. Thinking about the challenges we had in relationship, and how those challenges now determine the quality of our friendship. And I’ve been thinking about how I feel about being single again.

Solitude doesn’t feel like a punishment anymore, so I’m feeling more at ease in my own company. Maybe that’s why I’m able to see things a little clearer? Perhaps I needed to go through the struggle to realize the conflict? Maybe this Dark Moon wasn’t so dark because my shadow wasn’t suppressed? Perhaps I’m feeling more empowered because I’m making better choices? Maybe I’m breaking cycles and changing patterns? Perhaps I’m peeling away the bullshit of illusion, so I can live the dream?

Afew days ago, I realized how often I haven”t choosen myself. And this morning I woke with a clearer understanding of why. I acknowledge how the Damzel wants to be chosen, and the Princess wants to find her Prince Charming. Although I reject these parts of myself, I’m a fool to deny their existance. It doesn’t matter how much I want to BE the mighty Warrior, my BEing is the sum of many parts.

Even though I’ve been the one who initiated the conversations, that ultimately ended my relationships. Knowing we wanted and needed different things. If I’m honest, my inner Damzel in distress wanted them to hold on and fight for us. My inner Princess wanted them to rescue me from my distress. And deep down I had hoped that wanting me would be enough. And when they didn’t fight and they let go, I thought

“I’m not enough”

And there it is, the limited belief !!!

Even though I’ve been loved by many, in truth, only parts of me have been wanted by men. If I’m honest, my inner Wild Woman isn’t always welcomed. Sometimes she’s suppressed or limited in her full expression. Yup, another limiting belief is … “I’m TOO much”

I realize that this is why I’ve felt abandoned and rejected in and out of relationship. Therefore, a lack of love isn’t why we can’t be friends with ex lovers. It’s our own woundings and therefore our own healings, that impact upon the quality of our “friendships”

Hmmmmm 🤔

If I’m the one who’s chosen to reject parts of myself. If I’m the one who’s chosen to abandon myself, then I’m the ONE to choose myself.

But HOW do I choose myself ? ? ?

Choosing to disconnect from “complicated” connections and drama, that no longer serves my spiritual growth, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to release myself from any limiting beliefs, that no longer serves my growth and the Greater Good, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW, not fighting the old, or reliving past mistakes, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to believe in my dreams and trusting the visions I have, is how I choose ME.

As women, we often need reminded that it’s OK to choose ourselves. We’ve been raised in a culture that expects us to put others first, and we’re shamed or guilted when we don’t. We’ve been led to believe that being a single woman, is a tragedy best avoided. We’re still being told to sit down and shut up, but it’s in less obvious, subtler ways these days. And we’ve been conditioned to surpress our uglier truths.

Authenticity isn’t easy because it’s hard to look beyond the darkness. To confront our shadow, to own our fuckups, to love our flaws, to learn from our failures and to admit our faults.

Sometimes we choose to live in the ignorance of our bliss … and that’s OK ❤

As women, we fear owning our personal power because strong women are misunderstood. Our strength doesn’t lie within our ability to conquer and overcome obstacles alone. It’s not even in the raging roars of I AM WOMAN !!!

Our strength comes from our willingness to BE vulnerable. To drop the masks and in letting the walls of our defences fall to the ground. It’s in our willingness to BE seen as we truly are.

Not pretending to BE someone you want us to be. Not faking it till we make it. Not diluting our truths to make you feel more comfortable. Not trying to be something we’re not, to please you.

Our strength is BEing the mighty hot fucking mess we are, and not apologizing for it.

Our strength is seeing and loving the beautiful imperfect BEing of humanness YOU are ❤

Our strength is saying this is ME and I LOVE her, ALL of her and if you can’t, then Fuck Off !!!

Our strength is in our ability to believe in love, after having lost what we feared loosing.

Our strength is saying YES to ourselves.

Until I can fully choose myself, then how the fuck can I expect anyone else to? Does this mean the next man to walk into my life will be the “one” ? Hmm, although forever the hopeful heart, I’m also a realist. Besides, who is the ONE anyways? Aren’t I the BEloved of my own life? I do wonder though, will I ever grow in love with the same man for the rest of my life?

Perhaps not ? Maybe that isn’t my path in this lifetime ? Perhaps relationship with a variety of different men provides the growth I need in this lifetime ? Maybe my destiny isn’t to love one ?

What if I AM THE ONE ?

Who the fuck knows ? All I can do is improve the quality of the relationship I have with myself. Break free from co-dependency. Stay true to myself and BE open to learn from love.

I’m heeding the Wanderluster call and looking forward to the NEW adventures that await me in 2020, as a much stronger single woman.

And I’m at peace with that 😌

I choose ME and I choose to be FREE 💪😍

The light of spirit cannot be distinguished

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Memories automatically take us back in time. We recall, recollect and reflect to learn the lessons from our experiences.

Today, I’ve been taken back to a conversation I had with my Dad, afew weeks after loosing Mam. Although he believed in spirit, his faith was shaken. No matter how much he wanted to believe, he couldn’t feel her spirit and it upset him, but it also triggered his fear.

I was reassuring him of her presence. Reminding him that his grief was deep, so his heart was hurting. Then I noticed something on his chest. A tiny white feather was resting on his heart. When I pointed it out to Dad, it gave him hope.

It gave me hope too and it strengthened my faith. Since Mam’s death these kinda conversations with spirit happen often. On my own journey, there are times when I feel hopeless and my faith is shaken too.

When I descend into the underworld of shadows, the darkness can and does consume me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough to fight my way out. But I notice, that during those times the presence of spirit feels stronger.

Our loved ones are the light in the dark

Grief isn’t just about the loss of a loved one. It triggers any lingering fears, wounds, blockages and limitations we may have. It challenges us to confront a different reality. Invites us to take a long hard look at our own lives. And it takes us on a wild journey of transformation.

Dragging us through the past of our yesterdays. Forcing us to look at the future of our tomorrows. To help us BEcome more fully present in the precious moments of our today.

I recall the conversation with my Dad, recollect my inner thoughts and reflect.

Dad’s heart didn’t just break open when his beloved died. He lost the other part of himself, so his heart felt like it had broken in two. His heart was no longer whole, so his healing was complex. He was also confronting his own battle with cancer and his own fate, which only complicated his healing further 💔

I wonder …

How do you balance something that’s missing?
How do you heal something that’s gone?
How do you feel whole if you’re a half?
How do you heal someone who can’t be cured?
How the fuck do you find peace in that kind of suffering?

Words can’t explain how difficult it was to witness Dad’s pain. Like Mam, he often stayed strong for us. Like Mam, he always tried to focus on the positives. Like Mam, he often suffered in silence because he didn’t want to worry us. But like Mam, sometimes his pain broke through, and we witnessed the brutality of his truth and the beauty of his vulnerability.

Those were the moments that were the most difficult to bare. For me, its easier to feel my own pain, than to watch someone I love struggling to feel their own. But those were the moments that also triggered my own fear, anxiety, wounds and incompletions.

Truth is, it’s not easy to bare witness and allow the pain to be seen. Whether it’s physical, mental emotional or spiritual, it’s hard to feel our own pain.

It’s a natural response to comfort and reassure others and ourselves. It’s an automatic reaction to want the pain to stop. But what if we just allowed the pain to be expressed? What if we asked fear and anxiety more questions? What if we went straight to the source of our woundings? What if our conversations are opportunities to become whole?

Maybe it explains my own challenges in love?
Perhaps my relationship with pain is changing?
Maybe its why I need to be whole?
Perhaps I want to love differently?

The past no longer haunts me, but it continues to teach me. I appreciate that the experiences I’ve had, are the lessons I’m learning. The challenges are the obstacles I’m overcoming. So, what if, the struggles I’m having are the sufferings I’m healing?

They say that resistance leads to suffering and acceptance brings peace. So to find peace, we must be willing to let go and release what was. And to accept what is, we must surrender to change and transformation. Only then, will we become all that we can BE

Hmmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

Maybe that’s why the past keeps knocking?
Perhaps that’s why the past haunts us?
Maybe I just needed to see it differently?
Perhaps some bridges do need to burn?
Maybe we can’t take everyone with us?
Perhaps that’s my greatest struggle?

Sometimes, our minds need to catch up to what our hearts already know. But our hearts only know LOVE and I always follow mine, which is probably why I’ve been hurt so many times before.

My love life is one great big tragedy

But if my heart only knows love, then it’s my own thinking that hurts me. Now, there’s an empowering thought to digest. A thought that has the ability to change everything. A thought that shifts us from Damzel in distress to the Heroine, from lost to found, from wounded to healing and from incomplete to whole.

Hmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

What if to transcend fear into love, we must first feel the pain of loosing what we fear to loose? What if our healings are the pain we’re transcending? What if we are the Alchemist?

PS … I LOVE this pic of my parents ❤

But I still cry whenever I look at photos

Conversations with spirit

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The last few days I’ve glanced at clocks when numbers are repeating (1.11, 2.22, 3.33). And yesterday I unknowingly posted the frog photo at 4.44. Some say these are angel numbers.

I’m not really sure what it
eans, but I believe in spirit. And the past seems to be loosening its grip on me. Over the last few weeks some things are beginning to fall away from my life.

And I notice there’s less resistance.

Usually, whenever I feel something or someone leaving, I fight to hold on. If I’m honest with myself, I often hold on longer than I should, and fight for things no longer meant for me. I don’t let go easily. Usually, it takes time and alot of mental anguish and emotional upset, for me to release something or someone from my life.

Maybe its the stubborn goat in me ?
Perhaps its my hopeful heart ?
Maybe its a lack of boundaries ?
Perhaps its a need for faith ?

I realize that I resist letting go because I fear the void I’ll feel when it or they have gone. I usually don’t welcome that empty feeling. It’s why I fill the void with food, by comfort eating.

But what if the empty feeling is the creating of space ? What if it’s clearing old energies, so new energy can flow ? What if the void is like a blank canvas for the artist to paint, and an empty page for the writer to write ? As a creative BEing shouldn’t I welcome the void ?

Last night at work, a Praying Mantis flew at me. I was mesmerized by her presence. She looked like a fairy with her pinkish wings. The RN said it looked like Tinkerbell, which made me smile.

Some say when this creature crosses your path it brings a message. Symbolic of stillness, patience and intuition. Reminding us to slow down and connect to the gift of our everyday moments. To strengthen our connection to Source with spiritual practice.

On my walk back to the van from work I treated myself to breakfast at the Shack. I noticed I sat on the chair infront of “Don’t worry, be happy” and it made me think about my Mam. When I shared the photo, a family friend commented that I had sat at the same table she had sat with her Mum, on her last birthday. Her Mum is now in spirit and our Mum’s were friends.

After a bite to eat, I stopped at the beach for a dip in the ocean and I napped on the sand for awhile. I love how FB tagged my friend Christie, who is now in spirit. The same thing happens with Mam now and then. FB never recognized either of them in my face when they were living. So I believe its a message from spirit. A reminder of their presence and it comforts me.

After a rest to recharge my batteries, I carried on walking to the van. Popped in my earphones and listened to some of my favourite tunes. Songs I imagine being played to certain scenes in a movie. Of a story yet to be written.

Miley Cirus “The Climb”
Tina Turner & Angelique Kidjo “Easy as Life”
Christina Perri “A thousand years”
Disturbed ” The sound of silence”
James Blunt “Bonfire heart”
Bon Jovi “Its my life”
Def Leppard “Love bites”
Missy Higgins “Temporary love”
Sam Smith “Stay with me”
James Morrison “All around the world”

As I walked, memories, reflections and insights flowed through my mind. As I watched the cars as they drove by, I thought about their rush and their busy. Instead of envying their wheels, I felt blessed to have the freedom to take my time.

A green parrot flew straight towards me, as if he was playing a game of chicken. He gained height at the last minute, and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at his boldness, or blindness. A currawong and I captured each others gaze, so I bowed my head and greeted him a good day.

I laughed out loud when a lizard ran across my path, with his head outstretched like he was the road runner being chased by Kayote.

The little critters and creatures were comical and full of character, which amused me.

When I got back to the van, I showered and had a lay down on the sofa under the gazebo. A cool breeze was blowing and dappled sunlight created pretty shadows on my legs. I drifted off to sleep thinking “What a wonderful world”

I remind myself, that I can either choose to feel the heaviness of my grief, or I can choose to stay open to the loving presence of spirit ❤

What was, is no more

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I woke feeling a little out of sorts this morning. Melancholy has decended upon me. Perhaps the storm blew it in from the west? My heart feels like a tight ball in my chest. I came Yam yesterday, with intentions to clean. But the storm left me feeling a little uneasy, so I settled into bed early last night. Sleep was restless and my dreams were busy, because Yam doesn’t feel like it once did. I kinda feel like a swatter in a place I once knew.

Conflicting feelings.

A sense of comfort, yet a deep sadness keeps sweeping over me. I feel safe and secure within these walls, yet I’ve never felt more alone and unsure of the world, as I do now.

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Perhaps I shouldn’t stay overnight?
Maybe I shouldn’t be here alone?

But here I am.

With truths that need to be known.
Thoughts that need to be observed.
Feelings that need to be felt.
And tears that need to be cried.

I stand at the window, and feel like a ghost. Trapped between realities.
Looking out onto the world, but not ready to fully engage in it. Part of me desires to disconnect and fall away from society and it’s expectations. To reject the systems I struggle with and live a simpler life.

I can understand how functioning members of society, can suddenly find themselves living on the streets. I can understand how the choice to be homeless, can be stronger than the need to belong. I can understand how the desire for freedom, can lead us to places we never imagined going.

I’ve been drifting through life,
but for what purpose?

I was there, but I wasn’t.
I’m here, but I’m not.

Like me,
Yam isn’t the home it once was.
Now it’s just a house,
full of empty rooms and bare walls.
A house of memories,
that haunt me.

In my minds eye,

I see Dad coming home from work.
I see Mam pottering in the garden.
I see Dad doing his crosswords.
I see Mam on the computer.
I see Dad drinking his cuppa coffee.
I see Mam making dinner.
I see them cuddling on the sofa.
I see them smiling at me.

I can see them both clearly,
but they’re not here.
Not in the way I want them to be.
The only comfort I have,
is they’re together in spirit.

But what was, is no more.

My heart breaks,
the tears flow,
and I cry.

For everything I once had.
For everything I have lost.
For everything that’ll never be.

I cry until the tightness in my chest eventually softens. I cry until I have no more thoughts to think, no more feelings to feel and no more tears to cry.

But I’m surfing because thoughts and feelings, they come in waves.

I’m grateful for the release and the energy that’s now reflowing through my heart chakra, but I feel a little weary. So excuse me, as I rest awhile.

Our destiny is written in the stars, but our fate depends upon the truths in our heart

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Van life …

It’s no secret that I don’t always enjoy my solitude. Sometimes I struggle to be in my own company and seek escape. But for years I’ve fantasized about living the gypsy life in a van.

To explore new work and life possibilities. To write and create my kinda magic. Like other desires of my heart, it manifested into reality. Perhaps not in the way I had hoped. In truth, it rarely does, but its a reality none the less.

There’s hope in knowing that ❤

I ride waves, which is why I need solitide the most when I don’t want it at all. I flow with natural cycles and seasons, because my destiny is written in the stars. But my fate is guided by my own heart and the lessons my soul seeks. I believe more than ever that Universe guides my choices, because when I overcame my fear of death, I had to then learn how to trust life. In my grief I’m learning how to transcend my fears and BE the love I seek.

The heaviness of my flaws, faults, failings and fuck ups have lifted. And I’ve been feeling very poetic the last few days. Perhaps I’ve been inspired by the recent book I read? “Me, myself and Lord Byron.” Maybe after my descent into shadow last New Moon, creative juices are flowing this Full Moon? Perhaps I released? Maybe I did the work and now reap the reward of my creative expression?

Whatever the reason, I’m grateful ❤

The longings of my soul

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She’s not to be found in the words she writes,
because she lives within a story
that expands far beyond those pages.

You’ll find parts of her
somewhere between the lines,
where the truth is yet to be written.

She’s the kinda poetry in motion
to be tasted and experienced.

A contradiction of complexities
that stimulates the appetite.

Pure of heart with devilish tendancies.

A sinful delight for those
who fancy dipping their toes
into the depths of themselves.

Once tasted, the experience will linger
long after she’s gone.

Her soul igniting the flames
of your own passions and purpose.

You’ll discover aspects of her within yourself,
and search for her in others.

She’ll either satisfy your hunger,
or leave you feeling starved of her affections,
whilst giving you an appetite for more.

Because her love expands
far beyond the carnal pleasures of flesh,
and the romantic attachments of your heart.

She’s a soulful lover,
who has caressesed every part of you
with her loving intentions.

Unafraid of the darkness
and accepting of your imperfections.
Knowing, that she too is magnificently flawed.

With a deep desire to grow in love,
she hopes you’ll read between the lines
and find her beyond the pages.

She remembered who she was and the game changed

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We can’t control everything and the hair on my head often reminds me of that. I’m fighting a loosing battle with my straightners. Unable to tame the frizz because of the Queensland humidity. I see it as a reminder, that my inner Wild Woman doesn’t want to be tamed. So, I’ve been doing a little less grooming.

Embracing my inner Troll Goddess

I wake up and do very little with my hair these days, and I actually love the wildness of my unruly mop. Salty ocean air loves it too, transforming my frizz into defined curly locks, that matter together. Giving me a kinda surfy, hippy bo-ho look that I love so much.

It’s been 10 days since I shaved the hair from my legs and underarms. At first it was to stop myself from feeling sexy, so I wouldn’t flirt with the idea of casual sex. I know myself well and don’t want to weaken under the heat of the sun. I neither want to fall for the false promises of pleasure, nor the hope for romance this Spring. I’m feeling somewhat disheartened when it comes to love. I need to refind my hope in men and my faith in relationship.

So, I figured in a moment of weakeness, then my hairy legs would become my salvation. Men wouldn’t be aroused by my furry leg warmers, and sex and love would both remain just a fantasy in my own head and heart.

But it’s expanded beyond that. The hairier I become, the more empowered I feel. I suppose it’s reflects my readiness to embrace the woman I am in her entirity, without seeking validation or approval from others?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been confronting my shadow that surfaced. The parts of myself that needed to be seen, that were difficult to see. My faults, flaws, failings and fuck ups.

In truth, I’m both a sinner and a saint, neither perfect, nor evil. Just a beautiful complex contradiction and an extraordinary BEing of the human kind. A woman of love and light, who dances in the dark of shadow lands. A woman with faults and flaws, who has fucked up and failed, and she is all the more beautiful because of them. But I haven’t always seen or appreciated my own worth or value.

Maybe that’s what’s changing?

I’ve been contemplating getting highlights instead of recolouring my hair. Keen to embrace the natural beauty of my curls, fading colour and the sparkles of silver that’s becoming more and more plentiful upon my crown.

The more time I spend in the sun, the more I notice the appearance of natural copper and bronze highlights upon my crown. Maybe it’s Nature’s way of letting me know I’m far more precious than I realize? Perhaps we don’t need a lavishly expensive jewelled crown to be a Queen? Maybe the treasure and power is flowing from my very own crown chakra?

After the dark night of my soul during New Moon, I’m ready to embrace the new energy of Full Moon. And this Spring I thank Universe for the blessings I have and am yet to receive.

Blessed BE ❤