Nature is constantly communicating with us, but we can often miss the messages. Although Im open to spirit and pay attention, I usually need 3 up close and personal interactions before I can fully appreciate it as being a message from spirit. Instead of seeing this as being a “slow to learn” thing, I understand that my relationship with Self, Nature, Spirit and Universe is a process that continues to improve, grow and strengthen with the effort I put into it.

The more receptive I am, the more fluid those communications will BEome.

I’ve been here since the 12th, but the horsefly didn’t fly into my awareness until the 27th, which was the day I had my first 1:1 with the Nun (its also the day of my birth). It had been persistently annoying me all day, which was agitating me because its a NO KILL zone here. The last thing I wanted to do was swat the bugger, but I also didn’t want to be bitten because they give a nasty sting. At one point she landed on the Nun, who patiently blew her away and she flew out of the window. I, on the other hand was trying my best to patiently swipe her away, but the more she persisted, the less patient I was becoming.

There was no interaction with the horsefly on the 28th because it was my rostered day off and I stayed indoors, having a pajama day. The 29th was yesterday and it was an odd kinda day. I was still feeling out of sorts, so I decided to go along to the morning Dharma Practice. I’ve been to a few of the evening sessions, but had yet to experience the morning one. There were 5 Nuns, but it was a Monk who led the morning session. As I listened and read the words they were chanting, I was overwhelmed with feelings of compassion that brought me to tears. I thought to myself, how wonderful that these people gather together with such devotion and loving intentions for the well-BEing of others.

As I looked around, my eyes were drawn to the Chenrezig statue directly ahead of me, that symbolizes compassion. She holds a turquoise jewel inbetween her hands, that are positioned infront of her heart. It captured my attention because the gem was glowing from the light bouncing from it. The Monk began to talk about how our suffering is connected to karma from our past lives. How our suffering allows us to purify karma and have a better rebirth. I began to have flashbacks of the suffering I had seen and began to feel upset. As memories flowed, so did the tears and I had to leave the session.

I couldn’t escape the images in my mind or the emotions that accompanied them.

Memories that were linked to conversations, concerns and conflicts I had with my Mam about her experiences of pain were surfacing to be seen, that triggered other memories. The suffering we witnessed Mam and Dad endure, and how it impacted upon my sisters and I. Recognition of the struggles, as my family, friends and I heal from our losses.

I was rejecting what the Monk was saying because I refused to believe that good people needed to suffer so much. The thought of it was hurting my heart and I couldn’t stop the tears. I wanted to scream and shout NO, you’re wrong !!!

My shift started in 10 minutes, so I locked myself in the toilet and cried. The last thing I wanted to do was go to work, but the cafe was closed and I was rostered on for a deep clean shift. So, I looked at it as a “cleansing” opportunity. I didn’t wait for instruction and decided I needed to focus on cleaning the main dining area, where people gather. I began with the windows because it was symbolic of allowing more light IN, then I swept and mopped the floors. Making a point of moving things aside and pulling things out, to reach any dirt hiding in dark corners. One of the vollies commented on how much work I was doing compared to others, so I explained how it was my need to cleanse today.

During the shift I was invited to a yoga session, so I went along after my shift. I struggled with some of the poses because my body isn’t very flexible, especially in my hip area. Although I struggled, it felt good to focus on breath and move my body into postures that facilitate connection and energy flow.

On the walk home the horsefly flew into my awareness again. I was walking back to the house trying to arrange a call with someone. She kept attacking my head in a manic frenzy, coming so close that it felt like she was gonna buzz right on into my ears. I tried to calmly swipe her away and asked her not to attack or bite me, but she persisted. I would usually wait for her to land, then swat her before she bit, but I didn’t want to kill her. So I ran up the path waving my hands and bag around like a mad woman trying to escape the voices in her head.

I knew she came with a message, but what was it?

This morning, I was sitting on the front deck getting ready to write in my journal, when she flew back into my awareness with the same aggressive persistence. One of the vollies heard me talking to her and was watching me getting annoyed. I was forced to come back inside, so she prompted me to look up the symbolism of a horsefly, so I did …

“Horse Fly teaches lesson of development in all areas. It’s the journey not the destinations that are important here. She helps ground oneself in nature by helping contemplate the earth, ground and mud will help. There is balance of emotions and the spiritual along with physical and mental. She demonstrates properties of spiritual healing and enlightenment with knowledge. She shows how to see with an earthly purity. She guides to opening up energy within the body to allow emotional – physical healing to take place. Meditating on the colors green and gold will aid in the connection to Horse Fly’s messages. She teaches balance in truthfulness, which may sting and bite but they are truths nonetheless. Horse Flies can show how a group of 1 or 2 will aid in your journey. She shows attraction to shiny objects, emphasis on metallics and gems will help connect with her medicine. Horse Fly will demonstrate adaptability while layers of the self are uncovered for much new and exciting potential. She shows change is coming.”

Other links talk about how the fly is a persistent presence that symbolizes a need to stay focused on our goals, regardless of how it may annoy others or seem selfish. Others mention about holding ourselves back from achieving our goals.

OK, I “think” I understand the message …

The horsefly showed up the day I met the nun (27^th), then while trying to talk to someone (29^th) and today when I began to write (30^th). The significance of the number 27 and the 3 interactions suggests spiritual significance. I already acknowledge that its the journey that matters most and that change is coming, but what am I missing? Why is the horsefly being so aggressive and persistent? What does she come to teach me? Is it patience and compassion? Is it to feel gratitude for ALL of my experiences, even being tormented? Is the message connected to those 2 people? Will they help or hinder me on my journey? Am I still holding myself back in some way?

Lets hope that spirit is satisfied I’ve received the message because I really dont fancy being bitten or stung by the horsefly.

I’ve stepped into my 3^rd week working at the Buddhist retreat, so I’m reflecting over some of the experiences I’ve had this week …

As the new becomes more familiar the nerves lift, and I begin to relax into my new roles and routines. There’s so much to love about BEing here, but sometimes it’s hard to put my days into words because it’s an experience that’s difficult to define. So, my words feel somewhat inadequate to describe what’s occurring, which is why I’ve been sharing more photos than words I suppose.

Yesterday I was rostered on in housekeeping, so we were cleaning one of the monks homes. Its up the back of the property, so its a bit of a hike up there, but well worth it for the view. When we arrived, there were several large cockatoos on his bird feeder and in the tree in-front of the house, which was wonderful to witness. He offered us a blessing, which was 3 seeds to swallow that had been blessed by the Dali Lama. Although Im not a religious person, I definitely have an appreciation for divine energy, so I digested them with immense gratitude.

Today is my rostered day off, which is welcomed after 4 early mornings and busy days. Its 10am and I’m still in my PJs with no intentions of getting dressed soon. The nag champa incense is burning, a relaxing melody is playing, it’s raining outside and I’m still reflecting over a conversation I had with a nun yesterday. I requested a meeting with someone who could help me with grief and loss, so we met in the Café after my shift. It was interesting that she chose to sit where I had captured the orbs a few days previously.

I didn’t seek counselling when our parents were diagnosed or when they died. I’m so familiar with the “theory and practice” of grief and loss, so I trusted my own insights and felt supported by my family and friends, but now I seek spiritual support, which is why I’m here having the conversations I need to have.

I shared my story and struggles with the nun and she confirmed what I myself know. That it expands beyond the grief and loss process because of the multiple sudden losses and how it all unfolded and impacted upon me. That I’m dealing with PTSD because of the trauma and unresolved inner conflicts involved in those experiences, which is why I was struggling with my work.

Recognizing how I innately express myself through words, she said, “I wonder how long it will take us to get under the words?“ which triggered my defenses because it felt like she was suggesting I wasn’t “feeling” my way through this experience, which I openly expressed to her.  She explained how I have sat on somethings which is why those things have been surfacing, which is true. Although I did process and feel my way as best I could, there were times we had to prioritize the practical aspects of Mam and Dads end of life care or focus our attention on aspects of our own lives. That the conflicts in my head are connected to being stuck in the complex grief process and unresolved inner conflicts. She suggested an exercise to help me express and explore the intuitive side of my brain. To think about those I have lost and draw a picture, first with my right hand and then with my left hand. To gain a less intellectual understanding and help me explore those things I may be still be sitting on, which could help me to get underneath the words.

I wasn’t in the right mindset to do it last night because my mind was far too agitated and I wasn’t in the mood for meditation. I’m not sure what I had expected to hear, but I suppose I wanted to hear something that would unstick me. Instead, she validated and confirmed the process and offered to help me get under the words, if I was ready to go there. She gave me almost 3 hours of her time yesterday, which I was ever so grateful for and she will check in on me on Sunday to arrange another catch up. We spoke about lots of other things and I asked a few questions about her own journey, which she shared.

After our conversation I asked if I could hug her because I wanted to express my love and gratitude. Then I called my sister because I needed to talk to someone close to me, but I didn’t really say what was in my heart because it was hurting too much. Truth is, all of us are struggling with loosing Mam and Dad because we all have such a strong connection with them. We were their world and they were such a huge part of ours. I notice how my biggest triggers are around Mam, so my tears are mostly for the loss of her. I still don’t feel like I’ve fully grieved for her yet, which is why I’m struggling to fully process and feel the loss of Dad and Christie, but I’m feeling the weight of those losses too. The inner conflicts are preventing me from experiencing inner peace, which creates an agitated mind. The agitations are caused by traumatic memories, conversations we didn’t have, a future we were robbed of and unresolved inner conflicts.

Sometimes it feels like a cycle I cannot escape …

I came back to the house and fell asleep but woke a few hours later in tears and couldn’t stop them from flowing. So, I got up, made a cup of tea and started reading a book I was given. It’s another introduction to Buddhism book. “An explanation of the Buddhist way of life,” which is a little easier to read, digest and understand than the other I just read.

I still feel emotional this morning and I’m so very tired, so I’m glad its my rostered day off. I plan on meditating and doing the left- and right-hand drawing, but as a writer, I needed to write down my thoughts about the changes occuring. There are the obvious external changes that others are seeing because I’m settling in, eating healthier, sleeping better and being more active, but there are those subtler shifts occurring within me that are less obvious to others. These are the changes I find difficult to put into words right now because although they are subtle, they are having a big impact.

Although I’m still struggling with an agitated mind, I feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm about what I’m doing and the direction I’m heading, which is a welcomed shift within myself. I suppose it helps knowing I’m where I need to BE, doing what I need to DO and I’m surrounded by those who practice and teach the skills I need to achieve peace of mind.

I’m not here to devote myself to the Buddhist faith because I’m far too heathen by nature. As a wild woman, I seek the freedom to explore various experiences, so I don’t align with any one faith-based belief. I don’t want or need to confine myself to a certain set of beliefs, but I DO seek liberation from mental suffering, which is why I am here. I’m still wrapping my head around the teachings and practices, but the more I read the better I understand my own journey.

According to Buddhist faith “SAMSARA is a conditioned, illusory and cyclic existence. It is characterized by deep-rooted ignorance, which manifests as seeing the world as a plurality of sensory objects that are separate from oneself. NIRVANA is attained when dualistic thinking is transcended, and the mind is freed from all karmic conditioning.” Samsara is an agitated mind that creates our suffering. The Buddhist trains in higher wisdom, concentration and moral discipline, which is motivated by something they call “renunciation.” This is a state of mind that looks in 2 directions. Towards suffering (birth, ageing, sickness, death) and its causes and towards LIBERATION. We are either seeking liberation from our own suffering, or it expands beyond our sense of self. Seeking to rid others from the suffering of samsara.

I’m not afraid to dive into my own sense of suffering to FEEL and better understand it, but its my strong sense of compassion for the suffering of others that continues to motivate me to seek deeper understandings. I still feel called to serve the Greater Good, which is why I feel a stronger sense of the collective. I know my experiences are changing because my direction is.

Trust the process and embrace the journey ❤️

 

I’m reflecting over my first week in Chenrezig …

Although I’m journaling every day, I’m only sharing random blogs because I’m being more mindful of my time and going online less often. I’m here to find inner peace (peace of mind specifically), but Im here as part of the work exchange program. So, its not the same as being on retreat. We work 5 days a week for 6.5 hours on a rotation of kitchen prep shifts, housekeeping shifts, supper shifts and breakfast shifts. So, they are busy days and theres a lot of new routines and roles to learn, which can become overwhelming. But everyone has been welcoming, friendly, kind and supportive, which helps with the settling in process.

My first shift didn’t start off the best because they didn’t have my larger than large size work top. I tried on one of the “large” sizes, thinking maybe with the right kinda pants it wouldn’t be so bad, but I was wrong. I wandered out to show one of the vollies “how not to wear a work top,” and the look on her face was priceless. On the smaller size ladies they are a lovely fit, but they weren’t accommodating for my broad shoulders and big bust. It looked more like a crop top on me, so I was a vision to behold. It was kinda funny, but I must admit, at the time I struggled to find the funny side. I rummaged a while and was relieved to find a 2XL on the rack, but even that was a narrow cut, snug fit and the fabric was heavy, so I felt even hotter and uncomfortable. BUT I focused on the positive, there was “a” top that fit me, even if it was uncomfortable as fuck (note to self: STOP swearing) and I focused on the shift, which was busy but everyone works great as a team and I had fun, even though it was humid and I sweated buckets. But I figured, with all this exercise and healthy eating then its only gonna get better, right? WRONG … well, not before it got worse anyways.

I came onto the 2^nd shift to find no 2XL top on the rack, so I was forced to approach the cook and tell him why I was wearing my own shirt. I didn’t make a fuss and he was totally cool with it, but I was embarrassed and a little annoyed to be confronted with the situation. And deeper within the hidden parts of myself, I was dealing with feelings of shame. Before going on shift, I felt so out of sorts that I hid in the toilet cubicle and cried.

I observed the inner dialogue …

“Why arent you embracing your Goddessly goodness?

“Geeeeeezus, pull yourself together woman!!”

“If I can’t fit into any of the tops, then it means I don’t fit in here either”

“My body is too big and I’m ashamed to be the size I am”

“I feel so fat and ugly”

“I don’t want to look or feel this way”

Hmmmmm, I wonder, why do we bully ourselves in this way?

Not the kinda self-talk that reflects the Goddess I claim and strive to BE that’s for sure, but it did cut through the bullshit and got to the heart of how I was truly feeling about my body, which only made me feel worse, because I really DO want to love the skin I’m in. But, instead of getting swallowed up by my own self-pity, I approached the supervisor and explained my dilemma, who was more than cool with me buying my own shirts. So, after a few SOS text messages, my daughter picked me up after my shift. Took me to the shops to pick up some work shirts, and I’ve felt much more comfortable on shift since. (Thanks Jods, I love you).

I did learn something from the experience though …

Claiming to embrace all shapes and sizes means nothing if we don’t cater for them ALL. So, I’m gonna leave my “bigger” tops here when I leave, so the next larger than large person can feel like they fit and belong here too.

Around mid-week the real struggles began, which I wasn’t all that impressed about, nor was I expecting. I mean, Im here to find inner peace, so I wasn’t expecting to feel MORE struggles. Challenges YES, but not struggles. But, I of all people should have known better because inner peace isn’t gonna just happen because Im in a peaceful place. No, this is the place I need to be because it will help to bring the inner conflicts to the surface, so I can release them. Then and only then will I find peace of mind.

Anyhoo, as the rain continued to fall, the humidity began to rise, and I became more and more agitated in my skin. Although the rain is a welcomed relief and very much needed everywhere in Australia, my body struggles to work in humidity. I work up a mighty sweat before I even begin a shift because it’s a 10 to 15 minute walk up a hill and steps. Then I get all hot and sweaty when Im working in the heat and humidity, and feel self-conscious when I get called out the front to serve customers. And let’s face it, there’s nothing appealing about someone sweating all over your ginger cake, or dripping sweat into your lentil curry. Fortunately, I have a sense of humour and am open about my struggles, so I switch the fans on to help lower my body temp and ask a colleague to help me out on the front desk, if I’m feeling like a hot sweaty anxious mess.

The Buddhist faith encourages us to be honest about where we are NOW, which is what I like. I already do my best to own where I am with a little more honesty and a little less shame, but its wonderful to be in a living and working environment that supports and encourages it. Truth is, I’m out of my comfort zone here because everything around me is NEW. I’ve never lived in a communal setting like this before, I’ve never eaten a full vegetarian diet before and its been 30 years since I’ve worked in hospitality. Although all this newness excites, inspires and motivates me, it also makes me feel a little nervous and anxious.

The main struggle I have isn’t with what Im doing though, its with myself because sometimes (not all the time) I don’t like how I look, feel or think, which is largely motivated by my greatest struggle of all, which is grief. Traumatic experiences and conflicting stories that continue to replay in my mind, triggering a sense of loss, preventing me from living the life I want to live and love. I have no desire to deny this truth because it is mine, but I am taking the necessary steps to change it. Because I believe grief is a process, but we can and DO get stuck when things keep triggering old stories, that keep replaying in our minds. This is the cycle I want to break because I dont want to suffer from grief, I want to learn and grow from it.

The first week was mostly filled with work and the rest of the weeks will be too, but fortunately Im enjoying the work and meeting plenty of interesting people with interesting stories. When I asked one of the young lads where he was from the other day, and he said “the stars” I smiled because I love it when I cross paths with souls from other planets. The more I chat and get to know my fellow vollies, the more I realize how I’m not alone with my struggles and challenges. We are all realizing how similar we are, regardless of our individual differences. I really do love the process of getting to know new people and how it creates a deeper sense of connection between us.

So, what am I learning in these first few weeks?

I’m learning how to DO some things I haven’t done before and relearning other things I did many moons ago. Im going along to a barrister course tomorrow, to learn how to make coffee, which Im really looking forward to, but I have those niggly nerves too. I really do enjoy learning new skills though and I love working with people. So, the more confident I get within the new roles and new routines, the more Im gonna enjoy being out front in amongst the customers. I just need to be a little more patient with myself, as I adjust to the new roles and routines and find my own natural flow and rhythms. Im also learning how to BE more present and even more honest in my interactions. The more aware I am of my struggles and conflicts, the more openly Im talking about them and the less they control my BEing, which then allows for more inner peace.

Inbetween shifts I’m going along to whatever I can fit into my day. There’s a daily Dharma practice up in the Gompa twice a day, but I’ve only managed to go along to one so far. To be honest, Id rather dance naked under the moon and hug a tree than sit in a place of worship, but I’m here to learn more about the Buddhist faith, so I’m open to experiences. Then I went along to a meditation before a shift, but found it agitated me more than centered me. The first stage was a focus on breath technique, which I liked, but then he proceeded to do a teaching. I was intrigued by my reaction because it felt like he was penetrating my consciousness, which I didn’t really like. I was mindful of the psychology behind it, so it triggered me. I suppose that’s the purpose of the teachings, but whether its a priest preaching on his pulpit or a monk teaching on his mat, it triggers feelings of religious manipulations.

Maybe I’m being too defensive?

Perhaps I need to keep my mind more open?

Maybe I’m just a little more aware of the process?

Anyhoo, I am looking forward to having more 1:1 conversations with the monks and nuns. As I recall the first chat I had with a nun, I smile to myself. I arrived early to the Dharma practice, so she invited me in to have a look around. I asked why she was walking around the room, thinking it was part of a ritual. She lifted her gown from her hand to show me her iphone watch. She was trying to complete those darn circles that my sisters do. I couldn’t help but chuckle because it wasn’t what I had expected. Im looking forward to joining her at one of the mantra scrolling work shops she invited me along to.

After sharing part of my story and some of my struggles with the Work Exchange Coordinator over lunch the other day, she said if I ever wanted to talk to any of the monks and nuns, she could arrange it for me, so I said “YES please.” She suggested spending some time with one of the older nuns, who is around 80 yrs old because her teachings are around death and loss. “Yup, she’s the one for me.”

Although I’ve worked in Aged Care for 20 years and studied intensely to better understand grief and loss, my struggles with our parents end of life and their death reflect a need to expand beyond my limited spiritual practice, hence why I’m here I suppose. I also recognize a need to release myself from the old limited beliefs around grief and loss, which is also why I’m here. There are many reasons why I’m here to be honest, which is why I’m so grateful to be here.

Ive been waking early and I notice that Im more excited and enthusiastic about the days ahead. Although the days are humid and uncomfortable to work in, its a truly beautiful place to BE. And the scattered sun showers and afternoon thunder storms are divine. I literally feel the energy building within my body as the humidity increases, I sweat buckets and then I experience a wonderful release and cleansing, as the cool rain begins to fall from the sky. The other day a vollie and I stood barefoot in our togs and cleansed our mind, body and spirits under the stormy sky, surrounded by trees and felt the rain, which was lush. Those are the kinda moments and interactions my soul loves the most.

There are LOTS of bugs here and not all of them are overly friendly. The mozzies LOVE me, so they like to nibble on any exposed flesh they can find. They can drive me bonkers, but its a “no kill zone” here, so I do my best NOT to swat the annoying little buggers. Then theres the ants: Tiny ants, little ants, black ants, green ants, flying ants and the angry ants. I kinda like the feisty little angry ants because they’ve got attitude. They actually set themselves at you and I can hear Mams voice saying “put em up” in her silly voice, so it makes me chuckle. Mind you, apparently they give a nasty bite, so I have no plans on getting too close. So, I had a quiet little freak out when I noticed one crawling on my arm this morning, on my walk to work. I brushed him off and apologized for the fall and thanked my lucky stars he didnt take a bite of me.

This morning on my walk to work, the King Parrot came into my awareness, both the male and female, which made me think about my parents. A thought that triggered those painful feelings of loss, and I cried. Then I thought about the “gap” thats been left behind and how that makes me feel my loss all the more. Then I thought about how we often seek to fill that gap with something else. Then I wondered, what would happen if I just meditated on the gap and allowed myself to BE in the emptiness, which brought me back to something I had read this morning at breakfast …

“The transcendental knowing that perceives the nature of emptiness.”

 

 

 

 

 

There’s no TV or Wi-Fi in the house and I dont have a smart phone, so Im wandering up to the Big Love Cafe to upload my blogs. I don’t really watch TV, but I do watch Netflix and can (and do) get lost in a series, so I was wasting far too much of my time in the van watching a screen. So, Im grateful for the technological limitations (backward mobile phone included), because it encourages me to be more active in what Im here for.

I had the house to myself for most of the avo and evening yesterday, so I picked up one of the books on the shelf. “Entering the Stream: An introduction to The Buddha and his teachings.” The first chapter told the story of how Buddha became to BE. I noticed how the thoughts began to flow. Judgement about the story, but resonations with his journey: His struggle with disease and death. His call to leave his family and his home, becoming a homeless wanderer in search of truth. His call to walk the road less travelled, which is a spiritual path that seeks to release us from our sufferings. Although I resonate with the journey and align with the values, I know nothing of the Buddhist teachings.

So, I opened my mind and kept reading …

Buddha teaches “4 TRUTHS”

• Life is characterized by Duhkha, which is the state of suffering
• Craving and aversion is the cause of our suffering
• Suffering can cease because its cause can end
• The Eight-fold path of meditation

THE EIGHT FOLD PATH …

• Right understanding
• Right thought
• Right speech

• Right action
• Right livelihood
• Right effort

• Right mindfulness
• Right concentration

This path begins at the bottom because enlightenment isn’t attained by merely sitting under the shade of a tree in contemplation. Buddhist teachings are REALISTIC about where we are NOW. So, we must take the necessary steps to gain wisdom. “Those practicing Dharma are working towards the ultimate goal of liberation from all suffering” WOW !!! My motivation for coming here has been complex, but at the heart of it, is my need for a deeper sense of inner peace. As I read through the teachings, I get goosy bumps. Its a little clearer as to why I needed to BE here. I’m aware that the root cause of our suffering lies within our minds, but multiple losses triggered a struggle within me. Stronger cravings for what I liked and stronger aversions to what I disliked. Struggles that created chaos and conflict within my mind, that I couldn’t release myself from. I knew I needed spiritual support, so the Chenrezig made sense.

Here, I can still BE of service, while remaining true to myself. The work exchange program provides me with an opportunity to give back to the community, while learning skills that support my need for change. I’m provided with comfy accommodation and nourishing food. Im surrounded by like-minded people, a library thats full of knowledge and some of those who teach that knowledge live here. So I have all the support I need to attain my goal for inner peace. I don’t think these people are my tribe per say, but we do align with the same values that motivate our need to release suffering. I do seek mentor-ship, support and guidance, and I want to learn how to deepen my meditation.

So, this is the place to BE.

As I continued to read though the chapters in the book, I realized that my mind has been in conflict between conditioning and liberation. The OLD stories that limit us and the NEW story that serves to liberate us. Thats why I’ve been diving deeper into myself, to shine a light on my shadow. To unlock deeper truths from my mind. According to the Buddhists, “The mind spends most of its time lost in fantasy and illusions. Reliving pleasant and unpleasant events from the past and anticipating the future with eagerness and fear.” While lost in wanting and lacking, we become unaware of what’s happening now and lose touch with the reality of what IS.

“To release ourselves from suffering, we must be conscious of it and become better acquainted with it.” I acknowledge that my need to isolate myself to the van, was a need to explore my struggle with grief and get to the core of our suffering. I’ve never wanted to avoid my struggle because I know the root cause of suffering lies beneath it. “Diverting our attention from the cravings and aversions that cause suffering “deals” with it effectively at the conscious level, but suppresses the negativity and doesn’t get to the root cause of our problem.” The root cause of our suffering is our conditioned mind, which I understand as being our limited beliefs. When the roots of our conditioned mind are removed, then we are freed of the tension to seek (crave) or deny (aversion) and can finally live in PEACE. To remove the roots of our conditioning, we need to dive IN to the depths of our minds, to deal with where our suffering began. We must do the work and be willing to see things as they really are.

WOW !!!

This is the work I’ve actively been doing, but I went as far as I could alone. During the Full Moon eclipse, my inner conflicts created tensions that physically manifested in my head. I wonder, am I getting closer to the root cause of my suffering? Is peace within my grasp?

I believe there are many keys that unlock a variety of gates within our minds. My heart opened the first gate of consciousness because experiences of love and loss triggered a deeper sense of self, then it was the significance of (3). Now, I seek to focus my mind and develop the ability to consciously direct and control my mental processes. To expand beyond the observer and rise above my thoughts. “Experiencing directly the reality of oneself and working systematically to remove the conditioning that gives rise to suffering.”

Those practicing Dharma are working towards the ultimate goal of liberation from all suffering. To DO this I need to put effort into contemplation, by removing myself from the world (which is the mental state that agitates me) to master the art of meditation.

According to the Buddhists, meditation is how we focus our attention on breath, to keep us present in the moment. It teaches us how to allow the thoughts and feelings to rise and fall without attaching to them. To focus on sensation and become aware of the point where the process of reaction begins. To observe without liking or disliking, so it won’t develop into a craving or aversion. This is the PEACE of mind I seek, so I’m gonna keep reading and learn how to BE 😊

I’m in the hinterland, surrounded by an abundance of Australian Gum trees, listening to their branches swaying in the breeze and the birds singing their songs. Its been raining, so the air is filled with an earthy aroma, that makes me feel grounded. I’m sitting on a comfy yellow arm chair, that’s on the wooden deck of the volunteer house at the Chenrezig Institute. There’s a wonderful sense of peace here, that invites calmness into my BEing, and with each breath I feel a little less anxious and a little more at ease in my new surroundings.

The woman in charge of coordinating the Work Exchange Program (WEP) is down to earth and friendly, so it was a pleasure to sit down and chat with her in the Big Love Café, which was heaving at lunch time. It was full of volunteers, general public, paying visitors on retreat, nuns and monks. She introduced me to some, but I was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I’m shocking at retaining names when I first meet people, especially when they have beautiful foreign names I can’t even pronounce properly. I need to interact and get to know someone to retain a name to memory, which there’ll be plenty of opportunities to do while living here. An opportunity presented itself within hours of being here. I was asked if I was interested in learning how to make coffee. I said YES because it’ll be a useful skill to have whilst looking for work when travelling. I love how opportunities begin to unfold on the path when aligned with our truth.

Before my orientation, I wandered to the Garden of Enlightenment with my son. We chatted about why Im here and what I hope to achieve. There were lots of little froggies hopping around our feet and I saw a red dragon fly. The garden was full of Stupas, which are symbolic of Buddhas Enlightenment.

After my orientation, I wandered into the Art Studio, where they make Stupas and roll mantras. I never realized that the heaviness of a prayer wheel is because it holds many of those rolled mantras. While I wandered back to the house, I thought about why I’m here and what I want to gain from the experience. Although I align with Buddhist core values, I have very little knowledge about the culture or their practices. So, I’m here to learn by living within the community. Apart from a few back-packing experiences, I’ve never lived in a communal setting, so I’m looking forward to this experience.

I joined a fellow volly (volunteer) for dinner, so we chatted over a yummy pea and kale soup. I don’t know why, but I seem to enjoy food so much more when someone else has either cooked or prepared it. Ive had a few one on one conversations with a few people, sharing our stories and getting to know each other. Everyone is lovely, which I never doubted considering the environment., but its refreshing to talk to others who share similar beliefs and visions.

It was quiet and cool overnight, so I slept well. The house woke up quietly, which was nice. Everyone is mindful of each other, so noise is minimal. I ate my breakfast on the deck, so I could watch the birds. A kingfisher flew down into the tree in front of me and flew back and forth between trees. I listened to a variety of different bird songs. I couldn’t identify them all, but there were plenty to see. The yellow breasted robins playfully flew back and forth, a fantailed wren flew onto the deck and a flock of female fairy wrens flew in and out of the scrub. My heart burst open and I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy, as I watched them

I’m not on the roster until tomorrow morning, so I’m free to do as I please today, so I came to the Big Love Café for lunch, bringing my lap top, so I could write and upload my blog on the book of face. Lunch was a delicious vegetarian dish packed full of nutrition and flavours. The Institute is closed to the general public Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so it’s quiet here today. It’s nice to see the comparison after such a busy day yesterday. Although it’s a communal setting, I see many people sitting alone, which reflects a respect for one another’s need for reflection and peace.

The Big Love Café is placed in the center of the Institute. From the deck where I’m sitting, it has the feel of being in a tree house because its elevated above the ground. It’s wonderful to BE amongst the trees that have rainbow Buddhist prayer flags tied to them. Its been raining on and off most of the day again today, so the sky is grey, the air is fresh, and the ground is oozing those wonderful earthy aromas. I’m overjoyed to see fairy lights hanging on the beams because they illuminate a beautiful soft light that feels magical to me.

I may sit a while and soak up the atmosphere and bliss out

 

Its the first FULL MOON of 2020 and Im a little restless. As I get ready to step into a new experience, Im feeling nervously excited. In a few days I begin a work exchange program at the Chenrezig Institute, working as a volunteer in a Buddhist Monastery. Although I know its only a small step in the right direction, it kinda feels like a giant step into the unknown. I suppose having taken many of those smaller steps before, I realize how many have been giant leaps of faith.

This Full Moon feels like a significant ending, which is a little strange considering its occurring at the beginning of a NEW Year.

During a Full Moon the Moon is fully illuminated by the light of the Sun because its sitting directly opposite. The lunar and solar are in natural harmonic balance.

It can either be an intensely challenging time for us (or) it can hold potent potential. Because the Moon represents our inner world, our experiences during a Full Moon will be determined by the shadow, which is our hidden emotions, desires, fears, worries and dreams.

I get excited as a Full Moon approaches because I embrace her energy.

Its the New Moon that challenges me the most because its during the dark moon, that I experience a strong desire to dive into myself (especially when menstruating). To explore my inner most thoughts and feelings. Its a time of deep reflection, so I can be clearer about my intentions. During the New Moon I confront the hidden and suppressed parts of my self. Ghosts from the past that haunt my memories. Inner demons that taunt and torment me. The monsters in my own mind that feeds upon my doubts, worries and fears, holding me back from attracting my hearts desire and achieving my big dreams.

Our hidden truths becomes the darkness within us, that creates the shadow that follows us. Its why I observe my thoughts, express my emotions and identify any limited beliefs. Its what motivates me to learn how to shine a light on my shadow and LOVE it for what it really is.

As an energetic BEing my shadow influences my aura, which is why understanding my chakra is so very important. Im learning to recognize when and why a chakra is blocked or overactive, then experimenting with ways to unblock and balance the flow of energy. Its an ongoing process, a NEW habit Im cultivating and a NEW skill Im developing.

During a FULL MOON I gain the rewards of those descents into the darker depths of myself, which is why I welcome it. Whatever needs to be RELEASED will surface to be seen. The Full Moon shines a light upon my soul, which is why her energy feels so very healing. When something has risen from my unconscious mind, it kinda feels like that first delicious breath of air when you surface after being under water too long (or) feeling the warmth of the Sun on your skin for the first time after a long, cold winter (or) the first glimmer of light that shines into your eyes after being lost in a dark cave.

Many of my crazier beliefs have been reaffirmed during the ordeals of 2019.

I look upon the SUN as a sacred masculine energy (Father) and the MOON as a sacred feminine energy (Mother). I believe these are a connection to the Source of ALL Creation. To the God and Goddess archetypes that reside within us all. I believe this is the BALANCE we seek. And the RE-CONNECTION that expands our consciousness, opens our heart, liberates our spirit, unlocks our creativity and expresses the true essence of who we are.

According to the Star Gazers, this Full Moon on the 10th January is a rare Wolf Moon eclipse. The eclipse is in Cancer (my moon sign), and the Sun is in Capricorn (my Sun sign). The axis is that of family, foundational love and our connection to life. Oh yes, these are the kinda spookyliscious synchronicities that let me know Im aligned with those juicy Universal energies. Reminding me that Im not as crazy as I think I am, which is reassuring because sometimes I do question my own sanity.

This Full Moon can be a heavy, dark and strange energy because its the final wave of what defined 2019, so we cant breathe easy just yet. This Full Moon will be nudging us to look back, to shine a light on what needs to be seen. It may help to ask yourself …

What was challenging YOU most in 2019 ?
What was YOUR greatest struggle ?
What brought rise to YOUR sufferings ?
What was it teaching YOU ?
What were YOU refusing to let go of ?
What are YOU ready to release with this Full Moon ?

Our hard times and struggles haven’t been in vain. This Full Moon brings an energetic shift to those of us who do the inner work. An opportunity to cleanse our minds, purify our spirit, open our hearts and replenish our energy.

THANK FUCK !!!

Because 2019 challenged me in ways I could never be fully prepared for.

It was an accumulation of a series of significant events. A very challenging (3) years, that began with my plans to set off on a wonderful adventure to the UK, which was soon followed by the unexpected cancer diagnosis of our beloved Father, then Mother and then my best friend. In between family crisis, I still felt called to pursue my path in the UK, so work continued to challenge me. I kept my heart open to love, so relationship continued to challenge me.  There were so many challenges and battles fought during those (3) years, but my hardest battles were fought in 2019.

The last 4 months of 2019 took me to a very dark place, but it was somewhere I couldn’t avoid going. I needed to process and feel my way through the challenges and battles of the last (3) years, to gain a deeper understanding.

I needed to understand WHY the ground had to shatter beneath me?
I needed to understand WHY the sky had to fall in on top of me?
I needed to understand WHY my supports had to be taken away from me?
I needed to understand WHY I was alone during the worst time of my life?
I needed to understand WHY I had to be completely destroyed?

I was seeking meaning and purpose …

There is only one word to describes those (3) years, APOCALYPTIC because we confronted catastrophe after catastrophe. It was the destruction of life as we knew it and the ongoing struggle between what was and what will be.

As 2019 came to an end, another series of events led me towards my 46th birthday on December 27th. Rejection, that triggered my insecurities, that took me to the depths of my despair. Another synchronicity full of meaning and purpose.

It was the climactic ending of those (3) years.

The ghosts, demons and monsters all standing before me, demanding to be seen and loved for who and what they really were. They are no longer the dark distorted images projected from the fears in my mind, but visions of light, illuminating a deeper truth of love. Is this the releasing of OLD stories, in preparation for the NEW?

Experience is the teacher of all things (Julius Caeser)

Learning is experience, everything else is just information

(Albert Einstein)

I understand that life can be a struggle, which inevitably can lead to suffering. Like the Buddhists, I believe the root of all suffering is attachment. A belief that continues to guide me through life. Towards taking a small step in the right direction and another giant leap into my FAITH.

 

A beautiful poem that describes my kinda soulful kisses …

Caress my cognisance
Stroke my intellect
Show me your genius
Give me a climax I wont forget
Taste my pearl of wisdom
When you go down on my mind
Plant kisses on my perception
Leave my senses blind
Touch me in the places
you cant reach with your fingertips
Make love to my imagination
Ill kiss your thoughts
without using my lips

(Soul kissing)

Freedom is open to interpretation.
It expands beyond liberating slaves from chains,
and releasing people from oppression.
In the Western world we are FREE to choose,
but we often suffer the consequences of those choices.
The world has progressed in so many ways,
but regressed in others.
We have lost sight of what matters most.
In searching for cures we have lost our ability to heal.
In seeking power and wealth we have lost heart.
Is this why we are triggered by our environments?
Are we becoming more aware of what IS?
More mindful and conscious in our choices?
To rebel against what was before is a healthy process.
Challenging what IS,
is how we learn, grow and evolve as a species.
Yes, life can be fucking hard,
but it can also be an exciting experiment.
A wonderful adventure.
We cannot control things,
but we DO have the FREEDOM of choice.
I choose to follow my heart and trust my guts.
To release myself from the limitations of my own mind,
so I can flow with Nature and align with Universal energies.
To balance and HEAL.
I am not the civilized lady who wants to be admired.
I am not the saintly woman who wants to be good.
I am not the dutiful subject who wants to please.
I am the Wild Woman.
Liberating my spirit,
so I can experience the magic 🌟