Yip, I don’t look like a miserable cow today cos I feel like smiling. The photo’s captured a look in my eye I kinda like. I can see determination and confidence, which is something I don’t always see in myself. I see a woman of strength who has the courage to not only stand more confidently in her truth, but shares it openly. A woman without a mask or defences because she’s not afraid to be seen as she truly IS.

I see …

A warrior of light ✨ and a solidier of LOVE 💗

Like YOU, I’m far from perfect, yet I’m perfect in my imperfections. I’m a beautiful complex human BEing full of contradictions. A combination of light and dark because there’s neither one without the other. My flaws, faults, failings and fuck ups don’t define me, but they do shape me into the woman I am. Just as my achievements, strengths, privileges and successes do.

I’ve been thinking about WHO I am …

I am the sun that rises in the sky each and every morning, regardless of how many clouds prevent the light from shining through. No matter how hopeless it seems, I am the hope of each and every new day. I am the moon that waxes and wanes in the night sky, the one who sees the light shining from the depths of your soul. I am the stars that sparkle in the sky. The twinklings of light that shine on from a vast and eternal Universe. I am the Source of Creation and the infinite Nature of LIFE itself.

No, I’m not on a grandiose trip 🤣

I believe this is who I am because whether you are alive or dead, I can see the infinite Nature of who YOU truly are too. This is my connection to spirit as I experience it. The sacred masculine (sun) and feminine (moon) is our divine birth right. I see the sun, the moon and the stars within YOU too because everything we are is but a reflection of each other. When we are in flow with who we truly are, we align our energy with Universe. To manifest experiences and co create realities. This is the kinda magic WE are ✨

Read that again and allow it to EMPOWER you.

None of us are good or bad. Neither of us are right or wrong when we are who we truly are.

And BEing who we truly are is enough 💗

I can and DO get caught up in old stories that serve to limit my experience. I can and DO react to things not working out as hoped. I can and DO struggle to flow without resistance. The only difference is, I notice when I DO, which is how I can then have the power to make the change.

I see the ripples from the changes I’m making.

Whenever I share my darker thoughts, feelings and/or experiences. My sharings either trigger or resonate with others. I dare to drop the mask and risk being seen, not only as my need for self expression, but so YOU can see yourself.

Those who see the beauty in my misery have embraced the darkness within themselves 💗

Those who cannot look or see the beauty are struggling to love the darkness within them 💗

That’s WHY it’s important to shine brightly ✨

I still find it truly fascinating how thoughts can shift us from feeling like nothing, to then feeling like we are literally part of everything.

Perhaps they really are ONE in the same?

What if, we must BEcome nothing, to be able to fully realise that we are infact everything?

Maybe that’s the void of emptiness?

I know, my thoughts are deep and I’m feeling a little philosophical this morning. Its not unusual to emerge from the dark with deeper thoughts and new insights. These are the purpose of our descents into our shadow. I also had the best night’s sleep (close to 12 hours infact) and I didn’t get out of bed for a piddle once, which is a rarity. Although I woke and turned, I kept drifting back over into sleep with ease. I woke this morning recalling a strange sorta dream.

And a feeling that life is gonna improve ✌️😍

No, I won’t smile when I don’t feel like smiling, and I don’t give a fuck if I look like a miserable cow. I can’t pretend to be someone / something I’m not, nor will I. Instead of hiding behind a mask, I drop it and BE the miserable cow I am.

Because I can look at this photo and fall deeper in love with the truth of who I am 💗

Yes, I believe in Otherworldly magic, but I won’t buy into the fairy tale bullshit. If I notice myself building a fantasy castle for the damzel in distress, then I’ll keep digging deeper. To find the strength and courage I need, to slay the inner demons who want to fucking dance.

They want to dance, which is why I’ve been triggered. First it was a FB memory that took me back. To the day I was confronted with the possibility of loosing both of our parents. The day I walked alone on a path between the past and the future. I was in the UK when Dad had been rushed into hospital in a critical condition, and later that night Mam collapsed and was also rushed to hospital. If Serena and James hadn’t been there, then we may have lost Mam then.

I’m grateful for the time we had, yet troubled by some of the experiences we shared. And I can’t seem to shake myself free from those difficult moments that still cause me distress to think about.

Then my troubled mind was thrown even deeper into my feelings, when my hopeful heart felt the sting of rejection. A realization that the opportunity had already passed me by, and the man in question no longer wants to explore our connection. Although I know this to be a sign of what’s not meant to be, I’m beginning to tire of having an empty space beside me. And it’s a space I seem to be noticing more and more.

While waving goodbye to my son and his girlfriend yesterday, I turned around and felt the emptiness of not having someone to turn to.

Although I experience plenty of bliss here in the cabin, there’s still so much solace in my solitude. Something that not only triggers my grief and loss, but also makes me miss the presence of a significant other in my life.

My heart wants to open
My hands wants to be held
My lips want to be kissed
My skin wants to be touched
My body wants to make love

But I’m being encouraged to sit with myself, to BE fully present in the moments and feel life as it IS, no matter how uncomfortable. I’m tired of feeling the heaviness of grief and the weight of bullshit. I want to feel angry because there’s so much more power in my rage, but all I feel is sadness, despair and a whole lot of anxiety.

That’s why I decided to have afew puffs on my pipe last night. I stopped smoking about 5 years ago and have no interest in starting again, but every now and then I have a fancy for weed. So I got myself a little, with plans to use it as part of my meditation when or if the mood struck.

I shouldn’t have had any last night because I hadn’t drank enough water, so my body wasn’t well hydrated. I was on the last day of my cycle afew days after dark moon, so energies were flowing more towards shadow than light.

My heart began to race so fast I thought I was gonna die right there and then, alone in the cabin. I’ve felt this depth of panic before (afew times actually) under different circumstances and for different reasons, but fear always comes with the same sense of dread and panic.

I reached out to my daughter and my sister. Not wanting to worry them, but I was confronting my deepest fear. Afraid of my life coming to a sudden end, and I was terrified of dying alone.

For 3 hours I rode waves of fear that eventually took me back to my wounded 17 year old self, where I relived and felt some intense emotions. As my body temperature dropped, I shook like I had hypothermia. But as each emotion flowed, my heart rate started to slow down. My sister said I was literally shaking off the shit. I’m not so sure because I still feel kinda crap today.

As I began to feel the relief of panic easing, feelings of shame began to flow. Instead of riding the waves alone (as I usually do) I had exposed my weakest and most vulnerable self, to those who love and care about me. Instead of being the Mother and Sister I so desperatly want to be, I was the mighty mess that I am. In some ways I still feel like that lost 17 year old girl, who’s life just never seems to work out as she plans or hopes.

To be honest, it’s not easy to acknowledge or write these words, nor is it easy to read them, but it’s my truth.

Today I’ve been gentle with myself and doing my best to stay present, by focusing on my senses instead of getting lost in my head, or dwelling in my emotions. By saging the cabin (and myself), burning lemon grass candles, holding crystals, sniffing essential oils, bathing in a hot bath of herbal salts, drinking warm tea, filling my belly with yummy food, hugging trees, inhaling lots of fresh forest air, appreciating the beauty of Nature, counting my blessings and writing. All of which helps me to stay present, without distracting me from my truth.

Yesterday was just another example of how rough those waves of grief can get during times of uncertainty. These are waves my sisters and I have been riding for years, but it never seems to gets any easier, even if we are stronger.

I did realize something while in the tub today …

That my anxiety is attached to unexpressed emotion, which is an indicator that I’m thinking as a way of avoiding how I’m truly feeling in the present moment. The biggest obstacle I need to overcome is myself, which is why I sometimes need to sit with myself. It takes courage to acknowledge, own and share my darkest truths. I share my darkness in the hope that you will see beyond, to the light that I truly am ✨

“She is the type of woman who needs alone time. She feels deep, she thinks even deeper. Her alone time allows her to figure out her mood, where her energy is and how to take each step in life.” (Sylvester McNutt)

This is the type of woman I am, but despite all the blissful solitude posts, alone time isn’t always easy. Because there is less distraction, I can’t avoid myself and sometimes I don’t want to BE alone with myself. I’ve been diving in deep for many years, but those dives can take me to some pretty dark places. I was alone in a dark place last night and I made the experience worse by drinking whiskey.

The conscious woman is mindful of her choices, but she doesn’t always choose well, or perhaps her choices are a little more conscious than she realizes?

It wasn’t just one thing that tipped me over the edge last night, it was (3) experiences. And I’m learning to appreciate that it’s no coincidence that the power of (3) keeps showing up in my life.

First, I had a doctor’s appointment with our GP for a referral to a breast clinic. Dr Di has been our family doctor since we emigrated to Australia in 1991, so seeing her triggered me. Not only the cancer journey with our beloved parents, but she is also a link to my wounded 17 year old self. The parts of me I’ve been consciously bringing back in, to feel and heal so I can BEcome whole again.

Second, my sisters and I went to the solicitors to sign the last of the paperwork. Although all (3) of us agree that not keeping Yam is the right thing for us to do, it doesn’t make it any easier to let it go. Yam is the home our beloved parents built on the foundations they choose for our life in Australia. It’s the place we have all gathered together to make the memories we now cherish. A home that holds so much history for the Fletcher family. It’s the (3^rd) significant loss we’ve been preparing ourselves for, but in all honesty, we can never really prepare ourselves for how we’re gonna feel.

Third, we started to take the final step in laying a difficult chapter to rest, which is putting our parent’s ashes together in the cemetery. Although my sisters and I go through the motions together, we ride our own waves of grief alone.

Last night I felt groundless and I spiralled into the depths of my despair. I was drowning in the stormy sea of loss, while being tossed around by the waves of uncertainty. Truth is, its difficult to stay fully present in the moments when we are letting go of the past, and surrendering to an unknown future. For me, I visualize it as being completely alone in a boat on calm open waters. I’m holding a lamp, but its dark and foggy so I can only see a few metres in front of me. I’ve lost sight of the shore and have no idea what lies ahead of me. So, all I can do is stay calm, drift and trust I’m heading in the right direction.

Those are the times I fear being alone the most, because when I’m lost in the dark I struggle to see the light and need to dig deep to feel the love that I am. These are the times I desperately want to be found and need to be rescued, but often find myself alone. Staying fully present with this kinda solitude is challenging because it demands faith in what cannot be seen. This is when fear can and does distort my thought process, which is why I can relate to those with mental illness who have taken their own lives. Although it’s my own personal experience, its in this place I also feel deeply connected to those living souls who are lost in the dark, consumed by fear.

I understand this as the collective unconsciousness

The global pandemic has triggered many souls to reassess their life choices. To dive in to explore their inner realms and experience the dark night of their soul, which is why there is so much more fear to be felt. Alas, not everyone can see beyond the health crisis and political chaos because not everyone needs to. We each have an important role to play during these uncertain times of change.

As I consciously dive in deeper to myself and connect with the collective, I know there is purpose. Although I trust the process (even when I don’t always understand it), its not always easy to sit amongst the shadows. It’s not all about love and light for a light worker, we are invited to explore the darker realms to shine a light on our shadow. These are the battles I must fight alone and although I know spirit is always guiding me, I’m still afraid the darkness will consume me.

In all honesty, I feel a little uncomfortable sharing my truth because not everyone will understand my process or my journey.

In (3) weeks I return the Jucy camper van, so I’m contemplating my next move.

Although Heaven is a wonderful place to BE in solitude, my gypsy soul is feeling restless and I need to wander. I acknowledge that I don’t want to settle in a community of women because my mind, body and spirit desires more. I want to share my life with a man I can grow with. I want to explore and have experiences with someone. I want to find the place that feels right for us to lay our foundations. I want to create the kinda memories our family and friends will cherish long after I’m gone. And I want to do the work that feels right for me to do. So I’m taking the steps towards fulfilling my heart’s desire.