Pro CHOICE  (or) Pro LIFE ?

I remember the first time I learned about the horror of an abortion. I recall how passionately against it I was as a young teenage girl in high school.

How the hell could anyone do such a murderous thing to an innocent life ?

Why would any woman decide to abort her baby when there are other options ?

It made absolutely no sense to me

Then LIFE happened …

I was excited about emigrating to Australia with my family, but life didn’t turn out better for me. For reasons unknown, I was destined to travel a long road of heart hurt and painful lessons.

  We grew up in a safe, secure and stable home, surrounded by lots of supportive family and friends. So I was neither prepared nor equipped to understand the path I found myself on. I reluctantly returned to high school, as a mature aged student, after numerous job applications had been denied, with feelings of resentment. Motivation and confidence to go out and achieve my dreams was replaced with feelings of frustration, which pushed me further towards a life that offered a false sense of satisfaction.

Friendships based on booze and drugs, as a young woman who needed to belong in a world she no longer understood, was a very bad combination. </em>

I was the pommy party girl who didn’t give a fuck,

Loosing all sense of myself, which led towards loosing something I once held precious… my virginity.

My first time wasn’t beautiful and it wasn’t special, but it was certainly unique.

It was a threesome that a “friend” instigated with a stranger, but what was supposed to be erotic and exciting became awkward and uncomfortable. I felt numb to the sensations, as if living out the fantasy of someone else. It was an experience that changed me and my life direction.

One moment a virgin … the next … pregnant

My parents tried desperately to offer me love, understanding and support, but the lack of belonging made me feel unsafe and insecure, even within my own family. So I shut down and retreated further and further into a world of self destruction.

The day of my abortion is a memory that will forever haunt me.

Even though my parents didn’t agree with my choice, my Mam stood by my side the entire time. Offering unconditional love and support, even though she knew that my choice was tearing me up inside. I knew she wanted to drag me out of the abortion clinic, hug me tight, tell me over and over again that everything would be alright, until I eventually believed it for myself, and there was a small part of me that wanted her to. But, I remained distant, trying to convince myself that it was my life and that I was doing the right thing … for me.

Lying on the operating table with my legs parted, I felt exposed and vulnerable. My heart was racing so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack and would die from a broken heart, right there on the table. Then I woke up in the recovery room, feeling empty, dirty, wounded and a pain so deep in my heart, that it hurt to breath. I felt completely alone in the world. Tears uncontrollably ran down my face and as I sobbed my womb contracted and my tummy pulsated in waves, causing me to vomit. When I eventually stood and took a step, warm blood flowed from where there was once a life growing. And with each step I reclined further and further inside of myself.

Withdrawing from those who loved me was the only way I got through each day. I couldn’t bare to talk about how I was truly feeling, for fear of what emotions I might unleash. Guilt and shame was something I lived with on a daily basis, which I would numb with more alcohol and drugs. Sex was used to try and fill the emptiness ,which of course only resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame.

I was on a path of self destruction, until I crossed paths with a man who fell in love with me. A man who made me feel like I was worthy of more than just a fuck. He was far from perfect and we had many a challenge over the years, but he loved me fiercely. He filled my hurting heart with love, my aching loins with children and my empty life with meaning. Alas, it was a marriage destined to fail, but it was a love that forever remains. Our paths separated when I was ready to take the long journey back home to myself.

A road that’s since been rich in lessons of SELF LOVE ❤

” There is no greater sin than a mother who chooses to kill her own baby “

When I dived deeper into myself to expose those hidden truths that influenced my choices in love, this is a belief that sat in the core of my heart wound.

Is this the reason why I believed myself unworthy of love ?

Could this be the root cause of the hurt that lingers in the depth of my heart ?

Was this the first heart break, opening me up to love ?

If I forgive myself will the wound heal ?

Those are the questions that ran through my mind when I first discovered this ugly truth … and then the FEELINGS came !!!

There is no greater pain than the guilt of a mother who allows herself to feel this truth. If she allows herself to acknowledge and accept the horror of her choice, she will feel a pain unlike any other she has ever known. For me, it was like sitting in the dark depths of hell, having my insides ripped open by the devil himself. But the wound did not heal, it bled open and festered for many years to come. Because I chose to carry the burden of my sorrow, unable to forgive myself. Inviting experiences into my life that continued to break my heart open …

OVER and OVER again,

until I awakened to a deeper truth.

That our life is made up of an accumulation of choices.

Choices that determine our experiences and shape our stories.

Stories of love and loss that we share with each other.

Sharing that has the power to heal our hurts and overcome our fears.

So we can begin to create new realities.

You may well ask, after my own personal experience with abortion, am I pro CHOICE or pro LIFE ?

I am pro CHOICE and will never condemn or judge another woman for her choices. But, I am also pro LIFE and believe that ALL life is precious, each soul serving an important purpose in this world. Even the soul of an aborted child comes to teach us valuable lessons in love and loss, which I am forever grateful.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

When we were little girls our parents said to us …

A promise we have made to you,
that will forever and always be true.
Fear itself, is more afraid of your ability,
to love and to believe in otherworldly possibility.
So, with the love of magic forever flowing through your veins,
trust your heart and never be fooled by your brains.
Whenever you’re in trouble, lonely or afraid,
just close your eyes and wait,
for the fairies to come to your aid.

They told us special stories,
and held us all so tight.
They made us feel safe,
each and every night.

They said, if nightmares come,
as they sometimes do.
Just close your eyes and listen,
to the sound of Tinkers shoes.

Down from your light, she will appear,
And grow ten times her size.
To stand and fight your fears,
While you hold tight our eyes.

So, whenever I feel afraid,
whenever I feel blue.
I still hold tight my eyes,
and listen for Tinkers shoes.

You see, I still believe in fairies,
I still believe it true.
This is why I share,
this special story with you

Mindfulinteraction ❤

Sometimes, shit happens !!!

But are you like me, and wonder WHY ?

Why must we go through the shit to learn and grow ?

And why the fuck does the worst shit always happen to good people ?

Yup, here I am just pondering over the purpose of shit

Wondering

WHY ?

And I’m thinking, that although our minds are truly remarkable creations, its our heart that is the KEY to creating the life we imagine.

I believe …

Our ability to break OPEN our hearts and FEEL unlocks our minds to other possibilities.

Unlocking the blockages
Allowing energy to flow
Freeing us from our minds
Expanding our consciousness

Our heart being the key that holds the power to create,

which guides us towards the magic

But, I pose the question …

Must our hearts break open ?

We can only speak from our own personal experience and learn from others who share their experiences with us. But it seems that a broken heart is either a dreadful tragedy or its rich in purpose, depending on how we think about it.

But our experience of loss seems to be essential in the process

Perhaps being the polarity of love, it brings balance ?

So, I pose the question …

Must we feel loss to truly value love ?

Hmmmmmm she ponders 🤔

It all comes down to this …

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or you’re wiping up shit

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I wrote this poem while trying desperately to remain friends with my husband during our 2 year separation, which was 10 years ago. We both struggled because he was still in love with me and although I had fallen out of love with him, I still loved him very much. So boundaries were very important to maintain and almost impossible to enforce during those first 2 years. It was a very bumpy road that taught me much, but it was a road that could have been smoother if I knew then what I know now.

Hindsight, is a wonderful thing ☺

You see, I was the one who wanted the marriage to end and so feelings of guilt that hurt my heart, consumed me for many years. I broke his heart, I tore our family apart and I selfishly wanted more from my life. Lacking awareness of self, the guilt festered inside of me like an infection, unconsciously influencing my future choices in love. Although I was open to love, deep in my core, I never truly believed myself worthy of receiving it.

However, we are unable to change our limiting beliefs, until we first become aware them. Like many others, instead of taking personal responsibility for my own experiences, I continued to project onto my ex hubby, blaming him for not being the man or the Father I wanted him to be. But denying aspects of myself, while attributing them onto him, only reflected how I myself, wasn’t the woman or Mother I wanted to be.

When I finally came to this realization, many years later, I experienced even more guilt and heart hurt. Those deeper understandings and thoughts took time to process, which then unleashed deeper emotions that liberated me when finally released.

These are the inner battles people speak of, those times when we have a choice. To either sit in the darkness and determine what our demons are feeding off (or) indulge in behaviours that avoid confronting the truth of who we are.

For years, I escaped myself with sex, drugs and rock and roll (so to speak)

So, I ask YOU …

Why do you fear sitting alone with yourself, when the truth will set you free ?

My journey inwards exposes some of those deeper heart wounds, such as this that I sought forgiveness for. But my own heart healing was only possible after several heart breaks, broke me open.

I sincerely thank those men who broke my heart open to love, for without the love that we shared, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.

Letting go, with love

Searching for answers, its become clearer to see,
Our life together starts to slip away from me.
Try as I might to hold onto the past,
Its time for our love to be released, at last.

No longer can I have my heart open wide,
For the ache is unbearable when you come to my side.
I know in my heart we are not meant to be,
So it hurts to the core when you insist on loving me.

Fear in my heart brings a flow of tears from my eyes,
For the rules have now changed and its time for goodbyes.
Difficult to let go of a love so strong,
But we dont need to hold on to feel like we belong.

Friendship is what I need from you now,
Based on respect, if we can manage it, somehow.
I cherish you always and will be forever in your life,
Just not as a lover, confidant or wife.

A safe distance is needed between you and I,
To ensure I no longer have any more tears to cry.
Happiness for your future, is what I long to feel,
Yet emotions run deep and seem part of the deal.

So, in my heart you will always and forever remain,
But I need to bring some sunshine out of this pain.
For our children please never be too far away,
Because in their lives I want you always to stay.

Reaching deep inside I see a light burning bright,
Something more for me is well within sight.
I thank you for all that you have ever given me,
But its time to let you go, so I can become all I can be.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

I wrote the guts of this poem 10 years ago, but decided to breathe new life into it.

When I first wrote it, I was sitting in a motel room, alone, feeling very lost and unsure of my future. Separated from my husband of 11 years, I was focusing on creating a new life for my 3 kids and I. So when an opportunity for an Enrolled Nursing scholarship presented itself through work, I took it.

All the trainee nurses were placed in the hospitals for work experience, all except two of us. We were placed in Mental Health, which I was thrilled about. Because I had already decided that it was my focus of interest.

It was a very challenging 2 weeks because my colleague and I sat in on multiple Group Therapy sessions with clients, that stirred up all kinds of stuff. During the day I was the student, learning the process. But when alone in my motel room, I was the woman dealing with her emotional shit. We joked about getting about 5 years worth of therapy, which is exactly how it felt by the end of our 2 weeks. When it was over, I was left feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted !!!

The ironic thing was, while I stayed down there, I woke every morning to a heavy fog on the horizon. And in some strange way I felt a sense of connection with Nature. I didn’t understand it, but the feeling brought me some comfort during those nights alone, in the dark.

There is absolutely no denying that my path has been guided and that destiny plays an important part in my direction. My desire to learn more about the lived experience in Residential Aged Care has taken me off the recommended educational pathway. And in the great words of Robert Frost …

” I took the road less traveled by, and that’s made all the difference”

Fog on the horizon

Like a whirlwind she lost all sense of direction,
as memories and questions continued to race through her mind,
seeking clarity and demanding answers.

Who ? .. What ? .. Where ? .. When ? .. Why ? .. How ?

Questions that kept getting louder and louder,
insistent upon a response,
until she couldn’t take it any more.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!

She screamed,
falling down onto the ground,
gasping for breath.

She desperately wanted to make sense of the chaos and turmoil,
and understand the purpose it served,
because she needed to find meaning in the mess.

But uncertainty overwhelmed her
when answers didn’t come,
so she surrendered to the flow of emotion.

Tears of frustration flowed,
and her hurting heart pulsated to the rhythm of fear,
as shadows lurked in the corners of her mind.

Each night, she danced in the darkness,
welcoming her descent into the abyss of solitude,
in the hopes of seeking absolution in the silence.

But each morning, fog lay heavy on the horizon,
unable to see what was ahead of her,
she braced herself for yet another day.

She opened up the door to a future unknown,
with hope in her heart,
and she just kept on walking.

Mindfulinteraction ❤

What do YOU value ?

What is most important to YOU ?

I’ve been giving this some more thought lately 🤔

Because our values determine how we choose to live our lives. Serving to guide our choices and direction. As my own direction continues to change, I’m mindful about checking in with myself. To make sure that my decisions honor my values, which are the core of my truth.

Browsing online, I found the following resource on values, that’s worth checking out if you’re interested.

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm

Following the steps, I asked myself the questions.

Some of which I share with you …

Identify the times when you were happiest

Find examples from both your career and personal life. This will ensure some balance in your answers.

• What were you doing?
• Were you with other people? Who?
• What other factors contributed to your happiness?

Hmmmmm … she ponders 🤔

My happiness has been dependent upon many things in the past. And my attachment to such things has been the cause of my suffering. Hence the desire to focus more attention on my inner self. Because the more personal responsibility I take for my own happiness and well being, the more consistent it is in my life.

In my career, I’m happiest when I feel supported and valued. I also need to feel like I’m being of service and making a positive difference to the lives of others, within my role. Alas, there’s little support for those of us who wander off the recommended educational pathway in the Residential Aged Care system. Hence my decision to change direction and seek out other alternatives, that better align with my values.

In my personal life, I can recall many times when Ive felt truly happy, but I’m happiest when I feel love flowing freely both ways. A sense of connection with the ones I love, is very important to me. Hence why my life time connections continue to deepen, while my seasons and reasons are starting to flow in and out of my life with a little more ease.

Identify the times when you were most proud

Use examples from your career and personal life.

• Why were you proud?
• Did other people share your pride? Who?
• What other factors contributed to your feelings of pride?

In my career, I feel a sense of pride when I successfully achieve my goals. But my proudest moment was while sitting with my colleagues, in our cap and gowns, listening to an inspirational speech during our Graduation ceremony. Having pushed through 5 very challenging years, I felt immense pride, and knew in my heart that we were going to make a positive difference in this world.

In my personal life, I feel a sense of pride when I overcome obstacles and grow from my challenges. But my proudest moments are when I see my children growing from their own challenges. During those times I feel my heart burst with pride. The same sense of pride flows, as I watch my fellow Goddesses rise and shine. A feeling that continues to guide me towards the kind of work I visualize doing in my future.

Identify the times when you were most fulfilled and satisfied

Again, use both work and personal examples.

• What need or desire was fulfilled?
• How and why did the experience give your life meaning?
• What other factors contributed to your feelings of fulfillment?

This is an interesting one to ponder over because like happiness, my sense of fulfillment and satisfaction is becoming more consistent, rather than being dependent upon successful achievement of something in particular. Perhaps that’s because my need and desire to stand in and express my truth has become more important ? Therefore, my life itself is becoming a meaningful experience, which brings a sense of fulfillment in the every day.

Determine your top values, based on your experiences of happiness, pride, and fulfillment

Some of the values that guide me through life are …

Love .. Honesty .. Openness .. Understanding .. Support .. Faith .. Hope .. Vision .. Growth .. Self-actualization .. Service .. Exploration

Although Ive always known what I value most, life experiences have changed me. My heart breaks have taught me valuable lessons in love. And as my children grow and mature, their needs change, which changes my role as a Mother. Ultimately, these changes have been the BIGGEST and most challenging of all. Taking me on a journey inwards, closer to my own truth as a woman.

Over the last few years, I’ve been culling and letting go of my stuff, both material and emotional. As I consciously let go, Ive noticed how my values were changing in order of priority, based on what I considered to be most important. All those things I’ve been holding onto, have slowly fallen away. But, not without a fight.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether its guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and fight to let go”

As Ive opened up and dived into the depths of my mind and heart, its been an internal battle that’s challenged the very woman I am. Making way for the woman I am becoming. The woman who shines a light on the darkness. Inviting you to dive into the depths of who you are, so you can heal heart hurts and overcome fears that hold you back. Guiding others to take the journey inwards, towards creating the changes they desire to see in their own lives.

Bringing me to this moment in time …

A single woman, following the call of my heart, carrying what little belongings I have on my back, traveling alone to the other side of the world, towards a future that’s yet to unfold.

Am I afraid ? … Absofookinlootly !!!

The truth is, although I acknowledge that the immense love I feel for my family, has held me back from living the life I imagine in the past. It wasn’t just my sense of responsibility and duty, it was also my own fear.

It may sound strange to some, that I refer to the love of my family holding me back. Considering I come from a loving and supportive family, whom I cherish. But its important to note, that both love and fear can either oppress or liberate.

I speak about my own experience of love, so its about ME and how my own fear of loss, rejection, abandonment and failure have caused me to attach and hold onto people, places, situations and beliefs that have limited and confined me.

The biggest change within my own heart and mind is that neither love nor fear is holding me back, because both serve to guide me.

Although I’m well aware of the changes within my mind, its difficult to describe the feeling in my heart at the moment, because its something new, yet its also familiar 🤔

Something I’m still exploring

“Identifying and understanding your values is a challenging and important exercise. Your personal values are a central part of who you are – and who you want to be. By becoming more aware of these important factors in your life, you can use them as a guide to make the best choice in any situation”. (Mindtools)

Mindfulinteraction ❤