Conversations with my Dad

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Its another rainy day here …

Although I’d prefer to be snuggled up in the arms of the man I love. And Dad would prefer to have his beloved wife in his loving arms.

Its just Dad and I ❤

He had a rough night last night because his heart was hurting, missing Mam. He has alot of nights like that and there’s nothing we can do to take the hurt in his heart away 💔

This morning we’ve been talking …

About how he now FEELS his way through life more than he used to. Ho does so because his cancer treatment influences his hormones.

Prostrate cancer feeds and grows off testosterone, so medication is used as a chemical castrator. Something that gives rise to multiple physical and emotional challenges.

Dad has three daughters, so he’s no stranger to emotional sensitivities, but this experience gives him new insights into how women FEEL more than think through our heart break challenges.

Something I like to talk about, is how our social conditioning impacts on us.

I’m a woman who thinks alot about how she feels and Dad’s learning to allow his feelings to flow into thoughts. So we’ve been having some very interesting conversations ☺

Today, I’ve shared some of my heart break experiences with my Dad for the first time. Dad has shared some of his thoughts and feelings and we’ve talked about our grieving process.

Rainy days are such wonderful opportunities to connect and share with those we love ❤

The struggle to BE

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Just because I have a positive attitude doesn’t mean the negative thoughts dont flow and overcome me.

Just because I have a strong and loving heart doesn’t mean the aches and breaks don’t consume and cripple me.

Just because I have the ability to bounce back from disappointments and challenges doesn’t mean they don’t hurt me.

Just because I have the courage to openly share my thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean the truth doesn’t confront and challenge me.

Sometimes life feels too hard
Sometimes I feel too tired
Sometimes I fall down into pieces
Sometimes I get messy

Sometimes I struggle to be positive, strong, resilient, open and courageous

Mindful interaction ❤

Holding onto what matters most

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Last week I made an appointment for Dad to see the Doc and went to the calender to write down the time. I hadn’t noticed this until then, but his words touched my heart deeply.

Throughout Mam’s cancer journey our hearts ached and our guts twisted, as we witnessed our parent’s holding onto one another. A love that both warmed and broke our hearts 💔

Still coming to terms with Mam’s death, we’re also confronted by the heaviness of Dad’s grief and his battle with cancer, that continues.

Sometimes I wonder WHY ?
Sometimes all I can do is cry !!!

YES, I know that I have so many blessings to be grateful for, but life is challenging me in all directions and I’m so very fucking tired 😔

So, I remind myself that what doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger (or) perhaps part of us must die, in order to grow into the person we are to become?

Sometimes all we can do is hold onto those things that matter most to us.

LOVE ❤ FAITH ❤ HOPE ❤ TRUST ❤

A Mother’s Love â¤

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Today my heart FEELS my daughter 💔

Loss is difficult, but when it comes in multiples in can feel like our entire world is being shaken up. Although I believe, that this happens on purpose. Change for our higher good, it doesn’t make it any easier to move through.

My daughter has lost her Grammy, a friendship and her job. She’s moving in with her Dad to sleep on the sofa and is now forced to rehome her dog, whom is her baby. And she does all this with so much courage and love.

I’m so VERY proud of you ❤

I FEEL my daughter because life has given me so many losses to learn and grow from. None of which have been easy, but experiences that have enriched my life in so many ways.

Experiences that I have openly shared with my cubs, in the hopes of helping them to see the good in a bad experience, the positive in a negative and the opportunity in the change.

I FEEL my daughter’s struggle and move through some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings around my inability to provide her with more support. Because I myself am moving through my own challenges in life.

I am LOST and unsure of my direction !!!

At times I feel like a failure because I see how my life choices continue to impact upon my cubs. In truth, sometimes I struggle to remain true to my own path because I fear the consequences of my choices. I don’t always feel confident and I often doubt myself.

Although I trust that Universe shakes up our lives on purpose, I often fall to my knees and pray for the strength to make it through.

I’m far from perfect but I hope that ALL of my cubs know how much I love them and how very proud I am to be their Mumma ❤💛💚💙💜

Life is a story awaiting to be written

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Writing isn’t something I do,
it’s something I am.

Just as I breathe air into my lungs,
my words must be written.

I must allow the flow of creation to BE

Because writing, like me,
is my work in constant progress.

My tools,
aren’t just the pen and paper I use.

Writing requires those things,
but a writer is more than the tools they use.

Just as pen comes to paper,
my mind and body communicates.

Connection is the flow that allows creation

An analytical mind processes information,
and a romantic heart inspires the poet.

Every experience I have,
is my inspiration to CREATE. 

My life,
a story awaiting to be written ❤

Some thoughts must be experience before shared

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I’m an open book and share many of my thoughts because I appreciate how our sharings have the ability to …

– Clarify conflicted thoughts
– Reduce tensions
– Increase understandings
– Improve relationships
– Strengthen friendships
– Deepen connections

But I don’t always choose to share what’s on my mind (or) what’s in my heart. Because some of my experiences are my own to flow with as they are happening.

Truth is, during the midst of my biggest challenges or my greatest joys, I’m fully in the experience. The writing and sharing often comes later, in reflection.

Sometimes, I sit alone with my discomforts, doubts, fears, hurts and uncertainties until they begin to make more sense to me.

Sometimes, I reflect over my sweet, delicious, exquisite, delightful and pleasurable moments, but I’m only willing to share a smile.

Sometimes, I explore different depths and dimensions of myself with no intention or need to share with others.

Sometimes, I dream, fantasize and travel inbetween worlds and dimensions alone, until I find what it is that I seek.

Sometimes, thoughts run through my mind and words fall away into wide open spaces because they hold no other purpose than to pass on by.

“Maybe some thoughts just taste sweeter inside our own minds where they aren’t tainted by the outside world” (Kate Rose)

I’m learning that some of my best and worst moments in life, are to be fully experienced before I choose to share my thoughts and heart with others.

Mindful interaction ❤

Let LOVE flow â¤

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I believe that our heart breaks, serve to OPEN us up to more love. The hurt in our heart isn’t meant to cause us suffering. Its purpose is to guide us towards the belief that holds us back in fear. ALL of our heart breaks serve to lead us towards our deeper truths.

YES even the death of our beloved Mother 💔

Multiple conversations have led me towards reflecting, writing and sharing this blog. Men and women who have shared with me that even after many years, the hurt in their hearts remain.

My curious mind wonders …

Why do we suffer the loss of a loved one?
What are we holding onto?
How can we release ourselves from our suffering?

Hmmmmmm 🤔

Loss of any kind is challenging, but right now my focus is the death of a loved one because our beloved Mother died 💔

I pose the questions …

What if we accepted the process of death?
What if death is not the end of life?
What if death is a transition?

During this difficult time I notice my thoughts ..

“I miss my Mam”
“I’ll never see her again”
“She is gone forever”
“We’ve lost her”

Thoughts that not only make me feel sad but they also increase my anxieties and hold me in a state of suffering.

There is NO movement through that thinking. There is NO flowing with those thoughts.

So, how do we unstuck ourselves?

We OBSERVE the thought
Make a CHOICE to change our experience
Identify the LIMITING belief

Truth is, it is OUR choice to suffer and from our suffering comes increased tensions, conflicts, stress and dis-EASE.

To some this may be confronting, to others it may be liberaring. For me, it’s an opportunity to take FULL responsibility for my experience.

I pose more questions …

What if we didnt believe everything we think?
What if we challenged our thoughts?
What if we reframed our thinking?
What if we expanded upon our thoughts?

For example …

“I miss Mam ”

I choose to expand upon this and say what it is that I miss, which helps me to move through my grief instead of holding onto the thought “I miss you”. Truth is, I do and will miss the physical presence of my Mam. This is something I don’t deny, but accept. Accepting this automatically alters my experience.

Expanding upon the “I miss you” thought does 4 things …

1) It increases my ability to connect the thought (mind) with an emotion (heart).

2) It helps me to FEEL and release any emotions connected to the thought.

3) It clarifys in my mind what I appreciated most about my Mam’s presence in my life.

4) It helps me to FEEL love and gratitude.

Would you have ever thought that a simple “I miss you” could hold so much potential and opportunity for healing ?

I believe, that this is a process that doesn’t avoid my grief, it helps me to navigate more honestly through the grieving experience. But it takes TIME and ENERGY that many of us don’t gift ourselves with.

Alas, we live in a world that demands so much from us and a culture that has lost sight of the bigger picture. But more of us are AWAKENING to our truths and listening to the hidden wisdoms of our own hearts.

I am a DEEP THINKER with an OPEN HEART

So, I will always explore the depths and seek to find meaning. Forever choosing to learn and grow from ALL of my experiences.

Truth is, the death of our beloved Mother has broken my heart and shaken up my entire world.

Just as it should
Just as it IS

I am a LIGHT WORKER who is learning from her grief. And I hope that my sharings support your journey towards less suffering and living a life of more LOVE ❤

Without you

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No matter how much I accept death
No matter how much I believe in spirit
No matter how much I love life

The reality is you are not here

Nothing can ease the ache in my heart
No one can fill the void in my life
Nothing can stop my grieving heart

Learning how to live without you is hard

I miss you 💔

Reflections

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Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a rough day …

Today, I reflect 🤔

Whilst grieving the loss of someone we love, life already feels hard. Throw in unexpected challenges and life can become all TOO hard !!!

These are the times when we can easily loose our grip, fall into the darkness of our minds, drown in the abyss of our emotions and loose ourselves in a state of suffering.

Yesterday, I struggled to get out of bed because my mind was consumed by dark thoughts and my open heart gave rise to some very uncomfortable feelings.

I was hurt, disappointed and fucking angry !!!

I was angry with others, myself and Universe

And I felt like an epic FAILURE 😔

It took me all day to drag my weary ass out of bed and it was an effort to get dressed.

Somewhere Ive been several times before …

ROCK BOTTOM !!!

To be honest, I needed to flee but I was a little afraid of my own company because some of my thoughts scared me. I didn’t want to burden my grieving family and I was far too emotional to drive too far … I felt alone and lost 😓

But I reached out to a friend, who welcomed me with open arms, mind and heart. A woman who helped me to process my messy thoughts and held space for the rise and fall of emotion.

Thankyou … I LOVE YOU ❤

Today, I still have a heavy heart but my mind was clear enough to take steps out of the pit.

I focused on ONE of my challenges …

I’m taking a little pressure off myself by signing on the dole and made an appointment to see the Doctor, to request afew months to grieve.

To be honest I’m not emotionally ready to jump back into my work. End of life care is full of too many triggers. And I’m not emotionally ready to look for work in another direction.

Admitting that is hard, but neccessry.

Tonight, I sat on the beach with my sister. Indulging in the beauty of sunset. Sharing our inner most thoughts and feelings.

Thankyou … I LOVE YOU ❤