What is or has been YOUR darkest time?

Instead of journalling, I’m blogging an inner process. Sharing some thoughts and feelings about my darkest time.

When we loose someone we love, we miss them. We move through the painful process of grief, learning how to live with our special someone in spirit. We miss their physical presence so much it causes us physical discomfort, and at times pain.

As I flow with loss, I sometimes feel stuck in my suffering. It’s true what they say, we fight to hold on and to let go.

Who am I holding onto?

My Mam 💔

When Mam died my heart broke and my mind haunted me with memories of her unexpected diagnosis, rapid decline and end of life process. I struggled to let go of what was, at times its hard to fully feel the reality of what is and facing a future without her is upsetting.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end and Mam is with us in spirit. I’m still processing what happened, grieving the loss of her, trying to accept what was, coming to terms with what is and learning how to live without her.

Challenges are aplenty !!!

Staying in my parents home, where Mam is everywhere yet nowhere, challenges me. Caring for Dad when I’m alone, challenges me. The changes to our family structure and functioning, challenges me. Going back to a caring role in Nursing Homes, challenges me. Being seperated from the man I love,  challenges me. Having my life in the UK on hold, challenges me. Waiting for something I don’t want to happen, challenges me.

Mam’s death has changed EVERYTHING

As I flow with loss, I sense a part of me still holds on, struggling to let her go.

So, I meditate …

Which part of me is holding onto you?

I have a vision in my minds eye of my inner child. She’s sitting on the floor with her chin resting upon her knees.

She’s lost and afraid.

My inner child is the most vulnerable part of myself, who believes that she needs her Mother to survive in this world. So, I give her a voice, allow her to speak, I listen and write …

“My first home on this planet was inside of your belly. You nourished and nurtured me until I was born. As a child you kept me safe from harm. As a young girl you guided me. As I matured you gave me unconditional love and support, through all of my life’s challenges. And now you’ve abandoned me, left me alone when I need you the most. I’m forced to face my greatest challenge without your guidance, and I’m going through my greatest loss without your support, because YOU are the one I have lost.”

I dove a little deeper …

What am I still holding onto?

My Mam was ALWAYS there for me, even when I didn’t want her to be. She was my biggest critic and my greatest supporter. She helped me to believe in myself and my dreams. It took me years to finally grow my wings and venture off into the world alone. Following my heart and trusting the journey, just as I had been called to do. And for what ?

I’m angry with Universe !!!

Wasn’t it enough to surrender to the call?
Wasn’t it enough to leave the life I knew?
Wasn’t it enough to explore possibilities?
Wasn’t it enough to limit Dad’s life?

Why did you take Mam away from us?

Nothing is the same anymore
Everything is different
Nothing is certain
Everything is possible

And I’m afraid of what else is possible !!!

I’m afraid of staying and loosing myself
I’m afraid to go and loosing my Dad

Acknowledging the fear loosens the power it has over me. Releasing myself from the limitations of my mind, enables me to FEEL the truth in my hurting heart

I cry and feel the RELEASE

Confronting the reality of what is feels a little lighter and there’s a SHIFT.

“We don’t become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious” (Carl Jung)

Darkness isn’t something to be feared.

It’s the absence of love and light, where we feel the most afraid. Unknown aspects of consciousness, where our fears feed.

We become enlightened by fully comprehending a situation, which is why I consciously choose to do the inner work. Exploring my beliefs, thoughts, emotions, energy flow and triggers.

This is MY healing process ❤

We have the capacity to change our life with a simple shift in perspective.

What’s changing in my life?

My happiness is no longer dependant upon who I’m with or where I am. I am happiest when I’m living and expressing MY truth. I feel the love in ALL of my emotions and experiences because I am living my true soul purpose 🌟

We enlighten ourselves by …

🌟 Accepting there is no escape from ourself (drugs, sex, alcohol, food)

🌟 Consciously reducing our attachment to material comforts and relationship dependancies

🌟 BEING the love we seek from others

🌟 FEELING life as it unfolds because this is our journey to learn and grow from

🌟 BELIEVING in our dreams and creating our life how we want it to be

I’m grateful to those who trigger me because it guides me to unhealed parts of myself. I openly express myself because that’s what love does. I share my process, to guide others inwards, towards the source of their own healing ❤

Come dip your toes in the depth of my mind 😊

These are the 7 stages of spiritual alchemy, which is the process I keep trusting. I dive in and do the inner work because its how I give depth to my stories. Challenging experiences become opportunities to hone my craft of writing because I know the alchemy of words.

1) CALCINATION

The breaking down parts of self, to explore what’s beneath our ego, self doubt, pride, self sabotage, stubbornness and arrogance etc.

2) DISSOLUTION

Once we acknowledge the + and – aspects of self, we free ourselves from a false sense of self. We realize how our inability to take full responsibility for our flaws and faults, tensions and conflicts have effected us and others.

3) SEPARATION

We become more aware of what we’re doing  (avoidance patterns, habits and behviours). We become more authentic, honestly experiencing our anger, frustrations and disappointments of self and other … This is our shadow work.

4) CONJUNCTION

All of our unconscious thoughts and feelings come to the surface. From the darkness into the light of our awareness. We begin to truly accept ALL parts of our authentic self.

5) FERMENTATION

The process of rebirth as parts of our old personality decomposes and we begin to experience moments of a more refined self. This is the dark night of our soul, when symptoms of depression can be experienced. A deep rest as we dive IN to acknowledge our inner changes. We let go of aspects of self that no longer serve the way we now see the world.

6) DISTILLATION

We integrate our spiritual realizations into our lives. The more we practice the process of death and rebirth in the present moment without reverting back into old habits, we begin to experience profound transformation.

7) COAGULATION

We free ourselves from the confines of our mind and allow our consciousness (our soul) to connect with spirit. A connection between opposites (life/death, (+)/(-), heaven/hell, light/dark), where existance becomes self aware. The physical Universe is no longer seperate from mind or spirit, but a reflection of it.

Alchemy’s greatest achievement is to create an interrelationship between mind and matter.

An Alchemist is the bridge between worlds

Alchemy is science of the heart ❤

This week’s been a rollercoaster ride 😜

Dad’s doing GOOD 👍😊 but I’ve been struggling with myself because I confronted afew challenges, that triggered my fear.

So, what has been coming up for me ?

• Reliving Mam’s end of life process
• Afraid of loosing Dad
• Long distance relationship challenges
• Unexpected breast lump
• Nursing Home frustrations resurfaced
• Feeling unwell with cold & flu symptoms

So, I choose to explore the limitations that were keeping me stuck in the struggle. Seeking the opportunity to learn and grow from my challenges. This weekend I worked through Kyle Cease’s “The Limitation Game: Interactive,” which was created from a 2 day workshop.

The aim: to release ourselves from the old stories based on our limiting beliefs, that pull us back into our head (thoughts), preventing us from fully living & creating from heart (feeling)

Approximately 12 hours of video footage, guided meditations and lotsa self reflection, which has been intense and INSIGHTFUL 💡

… and FUN 👍😁

It’s amazing what SHIFTS when we choose to dive IN during our challenging circumstances.

Staying open hearted and communicating from that space changes EVERYTHING ❤

There’s something rising within me 🌟

Sometimes the struggle is very real
Sometimes we fail and loose the battle
Sometimes we stress and burn out
Sometimes we fall apart and break open
Sometimes we are forced to REST

We are human BEINGS who can and will experience ALL of this …

BE completely honest with yourself
BE gentle with yourself & others
Take time out for YOU
Pay attention to your thoughts
Express yourself
Release your emotions
Be mindful about what you’re doing
Nourish and rest your mind, body & soul
Do something creative
Meditate more often
Get outside in Nature … she heals ❤
Seek out support
Maintain healthy boundaries
Trust your heart
Follow your passion
Live YOUR truth
Say NO !!! without apology
Say YES !!! without fear
Learn new skills to cope with change
See challenges as opportunities to grow
Share your experiences with others
Help others to get unstuck
Support each others healing

How do YOU seek balance ?

Growth is like birthing …

We can either resist what IS by fighting to hold onto something/one that wants to be released, which creates more suffering (or) we can surrender to what IS, let go, breathe into the pain and OPEN up our hearts like a lotus flower

Truth is, nothing that anyone does or doesn’t do is just about you. We’re all overcoming our fears, battling our demons, balancing our polarities and healing our wounds, so we can truly love ourselves and each other.

So, I let that thought open up my heart to feel compassion and forgive those who hurt me

Because that is what LOVE would do ❤

Today, my party tit (aka my left breast) has been poked, prodded and pressed …

Last week, I was told a change in density was found in my left breast from the mammogram. So further investigatation is routine procedure.

My sister joined me at the Breast Clinic for moral support, because I was feeling a tad anxious (thanks sis ❤). As usual we found plenty to giggle about though. Choosing which gown to wear was highly amusing. Exposing too much cleavage in one and afraid to lift my arms in another. When set free from a bra, my boobs tend to have a mind of their own 🤣

An ultrasound found x2 8mm cysts and a 7mm lump. So they drained the cysts and took a biopsy of the lump. A titanium clip has been placed in my breast, as a marker incase any surgerys needed in the future. I go back to the clinic on Thursday for the biopsy results.

Worst case scenario it’s cancer and they’ll book me in for surgery to remove it. Best case scenario it’s benign and annual mammograms will monitor it. So, as usual, I’m preparing myself for the worst, while hoping for the best.

Having gone through what we did with Mam and going what we’re going through with Dad, its easy to dismiss my own experience as being a minor hiccup. After all, the lumps only the size of a pea and its not life threatening.

However, I’d be lying to myself if I said, that the possibility of cancer being present in my body doesn’t bother me, however small it is.

My breast feels bloody sore from all the needle poking, ultrasound prodding and mammogram  pressing. But glad I listened to my instinct to ask for a mammogram and grateful they’ve found it early 🙏

YES, my heart fucking frets because I’m going through challenging times !!!

YES, its not fucking easy supporting our Dad through chemo so soon after loosing Mam !!!

YES, I’m annoyed about going back into a system that frustrates the fuck out of me !!!

YES, I’m fucking freaking out about going for more tests on my breast on Friday !!!

YES, I’m hurt because the man I love has told me, I want more than he can fucking give me !!!

YES, I want to scream and fucking shout !!!

YES, I’m absofrigginfookinbloodylooty feeling the fucking struggle to surrender to what IS !!!

But deep down in my guts, I know Universe is supporting my growth. So, if I need to burn to the fucking ground, then I’ll fucking burn !!!

Then watch me fucking RISE up !!!!!!!!

NO !!!

I’m not gonna fall into a whimpering fucking mess because I’m not a fucking damsel in distress. I’m gonna get ready for orientation and get the fuck on with my life !!!

I’m a god damn warrior of fucking LOVE 💔

Sometimes I struggle with what IS …

It was wonderful being surrounded by family yesterday, but those few hours wore Dad out. Since chemo his appetite has gone and its a struggle to keep him nourished and hydrated. Yesterday he managed to eat a little and paid for it last night. He’s struggling to keep food down, his tummys sore from contractions, he’s suffering from acid reflux and he’s tired.

Its great when we all get together, but we miss Mam. Inbetween emptying the vomit bucket at 3am, I distracted myself with facebook and memories from last Father’s Day popped up. Mam and I had what was to be our final sunrise walk together. Fond memories of sitting on the beach, talking about life and love.

Afew days later the cancer in Mam’s hip bone burst. Knowing Dad’s cancer has burst in his spine and seeing Dad’s struggle, triggers me.

When my sisters go home to be with their families, I’m reminded how different my life is.

I’m feeling a strong sense of restriction and limitation that I’ve been struggling with. I can’t drive myself anywhere atm because my UK liscence is in the post. So I haven’t been able to go to the beach and watch a sunrise, I can’t pop in to talk with my friends, I don’t see my cubs as often as I’d like to and I can’t lean into the man I love because he’s in the UK.

Different time zones make it challenging for us and I miss being with him so damn much. 

This week I have orientation for a job and I have mixed feelings. Although grateful for the job because I want to earn money while I’m here, I feel like I’m being pulled backwards.

Processing my thoughts and feelings takes time and energy, which is why I’m so very tired.

This is MY reality behind the smiles

Sometimes I struggle being alone

Sometimes my thoughts want to be heard
Sometimes my emotions need to be seen
Sometimes my body yearns to be held

Sometimes the night feels lonely

Sometimes my fears want to be shared
Sometimes my wounds need witnessed
Sometimes my pain yearns to be soothed

Sometimes loneliness lingers a little longer

Sometimes I want to cry a little louder
Sometimes I need to dig a little deeper
Sometimes I have to open a little wider

Sometimes being alone with myself is hard
Sometimes I don’t like how I think and feel
Sometimes my struggle is to self love ❤