” You and I live in different worlds and we collide sometimes “
Was what my client said the other day, while sitting together in the lounge room. We often have meaningful conversations that come out of the blue like that.
” I live in a dream world of memories mostly, ” she said.
My client has been diagnosed with Dementia, suffering short term memory loss, which causes her great confusion at times. But this certainly doesn’t make her any less of an intelligent woman. It means her reality keeps changing, which makes her extremely adaptable and resilient.
” We bumped into each other here in Oxford, ” she said
We spoke about our minds, about her memories of the past, my wild imagination of possiblity and how we collide NOW in the present
About how and why our worlds collide
“You teach me lots” I told her
She was amazed and wondered how ?
“By just being you, sharing your story, sharing your experiences, sharing what you did, sharing what you’ve learned, sharing your hopes, dreams and fears”
“WOW… I never thought I could teach anyone anything now” she replied.
I believe that this connection hasn’t been by chance. Universe has placed me here on purpose because Oxford had my heart the moment I arrived here. Every time I stroll around this beautiful city, I have a sense of excitement and I AM inspired to CREATE. Sometimes I need to pinch my arm, to remind myself that I am actually here and that this is my reality.
This wonderful adventure sometimes feels like a dream. I suppose that’s what it feels like to be truly living the dream ?
The connections I have made thus far are teaching me more about life and love
Work, writing, friendships and romance are all wonderful new experiences.
Why ?
Because instead of fighting the OLD ways of being and doing, I decided to focus my attention on creating NEW ways of being and doing.
All of which is still unfolding
Taking big risks and jumping into the unknown, at what felt like the worst possible time, comes with its own set of challenges and obstacles, which IS the very things that make them the wonderful adventures they are of course.
Those are the LEAPS OF FAITH that take us from what was towards what can be
I jump IN a lot more often these days, rather than holding myself back. And whenever I sense myself holding back I’m recognizing why, then actively working towards shifting the block, so I can move forward with less resistance.
I do so love changing habits and discovering NEW ways of being and doing because it turns each and every challenge into a wonderful new adventure, which makes life so much more exciting, meaningful and purposeful.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some tough days to move through and part of me wonders if I’ll ever settle down into the comforts of familiar (or) if I’m forever destined to be the seeker.
Granted, there was a time not so very long ago, when survival was the main aim of the game for us all. And unfortunately, its still very much a reality for far too many people, animals, as well as our beautiful planet Earth.
Which is why those of us who are privileged to be born into a culture, country and family that enables us to educate, explore and empower ourselves, have a responsibility to USE it for the greater good.
A truth that has motivated women of the past to stand up and shout out
And now motivates woman to become better acquainted with herself, to deepen her understandings, to balance her polarities, to heal, to truly love and value herself, to rise up and to support others to do the very same.
Because she knows that this IS the way forward for us ALL
Her actions aren’t always appreciated and her behaviour isn’t always understood, because she thinks differently to the norm and she acts boldly.
Why does she keeps choosing to wander down the most challenging roads, instead of settling for an ordinary life ? … they wonder
Truth is, at times she still questions herself
But she has a strong sense of knowing that keeps telling her to EXPERIENCE life in its entirety, to OPEN up fully, to HEAL deeply, to LOVE freely, to SHARE openly, to SUPPORT willingly, to INSPIRE daily, to LIVE with integrity and to BECOME all that she can BE.
Such women are SURRENDERING to the call and placing complete TRUST in the Universe, which is guiding them home.
Home, being to the heart of life itself ❤
To a way of BEING and DOING that we haven’t been actively taught, yet know
The process of unlearning centuries of conditioning and programming
Unlocking the hidden truths that lie deep within our cells
Bringing us towards a deeper connection with SELF and to the heart beat of Nature, which allows us to flow more freely with the energies of Universe.
To the places outside of our comfort zones, where the magic awaits to be harnessed. Where our minds are fully OPEN to experience the possibilities and our hearts are fully OPEN to experience the love, support and guidance from the Source of Creation.
To a place where we are far more fierce than fear itself
The warrior within … she rises
The wild woman within … she rises
The healer within … she rises
The Goddess within … she rises
These are exciting times to be sure ☺
They say that our soul chooses the family that will better serve our purpose in this lifetime. That we ourselves select the people who will support us on our journey home.
” Alone we are strong, together we are stronger “
The bond and strength of our blood and soul sisterhoods are strong. A bond and strength that my sisters and I experienced during our Dads recent cancer diagnosis. Call me crazy (many do) but I believe that we have the ability to THRIVE from ALL of our experiences
YES, I believe that we grow the most from our biggest challenges
Our parents taught my sisters and I that its not the problem that matters but how we deal with it that counts. So, when cancer became a “problem” in our lives, its become an opportunity for all of us to learn and grow from.
Is it easy ?
Fuck NO !!!
After the initial crisis, there has been many a bumpy moment and STILL is, but as a family we are strong. We may not always agree, but we are all motivated by the same thing, which is our LOVE and appreciation for one another.
Together we are ONE
What does that mean ?
Oneness is a “unity of thought, feeling, belief and aim”. A strong feeling of closeness and a deep sense of connection. It means being a part of something bigger than yourself, which describes FAMILY beautifully.
Imagine, taking that concept one step further and applying it to our communities
Imagine the kind of world we could create
So, whats stopping us from creating this kind of world ?
Our differences !!!
Now, this is when I share something about my family
When our Dad was fighting for his life, only days after a cancer diagnosis, our differences made all the difference to how we dealt with the problem
How ?
Because our individual strengths made the family stronger during crisis. Each of us playing an important role, which made all the difference to how we ALL dealt with the problem. I still get goosybump feel goods whenever I reflect over that experience, which is something I am writing about and shall share.
But for now, I want to talk about how my sisters and I deal with our problems. Although we all have a funny bone, a wish bone and a back bone, it was during our crisis that our individual strengths shone the brightest.
My youngest sister, Serena Dawn is the, FUNNY bone
As a child she was the joker of the family, always the one who would lighten tense moods with inappropriate antics, that brought a smile to our dial. As a grown woman she STILL does this 😊 she has the ability to laugh at the most unfunny experiences, which can drive me absolutely bonkers when she refuses to take things seriously. But I wouldn’t change her for the world because she reminds us all to lighten the fuck up, no matter how serious life gets
My middle sister, Kerry Amanda is the WISH bone
As a child she was always the observant one, paying close attention to what was going on around her. Never saying very much but when she did people would STOP and listen. As a grown woman she STILL does this 😊 she carry’s so much compassion in her heart for others, which often frustrates me because I see how it can cause her great strain. But I wouldn’t change her for the world because she reminds us all to carry hope in our hearts, no matter how hopeless it seems.
Then there’s me, Tracey Marie, the eldest sister, the BACK bone
As a child, I was always way TOO grown up for my own good. Yup, the TOO muchness started young. I played Mother Hen to my younger sisters and was forever challenging my parents. As a grown woman I STILL challenge my parents, but my Mothering has changed somewhat (much to my sisters relief). But I’m the one who will change myself for the world, DOING whatever needs to be done, no matter how challenging it is. I like to think that I remind them all of our strengths.
Imagine the possibilities if we focus our attention on how our differences are our GREATEST strengths. Imagine if we truly BELIEVED that each and every one of us on this planet have something of value to offer the greater good. Imagine if we CELEBRATED our differences instead of competing and comparing to one another. Imagine the same sense of love and appreciation we hold for our families, extending to those people who are completely different to us.
I married the first man I shared love with because, well I thought that’s what I was supposed to do when I fell in love.
To marry and start a family seemed like a perfectly reasonable and logical kind of life to create together.
Alas, the marriage didn’t flourish as we had hoped 💔
But we were destined to remain forever connected because of our three beautiful children. And our experience of parenting after divorce has been just as challenging as our marriage was. But its been something we’ve both worked hard at, in our own ways.
Still makes me smile how we celebrated our divorce. Heading to the city and watching Robbie Williams in concert. He knew how much I loved his music and so I was thrilled when he suggested it. Mind you, he was hopeful for a finale of sexual fireworks that night, in the hotel room after the excitement of the concert. But it had been a very bumpy 2 year seperation and in my mind it was the beginning of a NEW chapter of “friendship.”
So firmer boundaries were in order from the get go.
Besides, I was dating a wonderful man, who was working behind the stage of the same concert that very same night. So needless to say it was a very interesting experience.
I remained faithful to my word that night, even though we slept in the same bed together. Don’t get me wrong, it was far from easy because we had shared 11 years of marriage and the truth was, our sex life was fabulous, I still loved him and knew I always would.
But that night I accepted the marriage had ended and realized that I was a woman with a very strong will, loyal bones and a tender loving heart.
Hence my internal turmoil when I fell in love with a married man some years later, who didn’t seem to share the same sense of loyalty. Truth was, he DID, but it was to his wife, not me 💔
When I finally decided to let love completely back into my life again, it was with a man who I loved for all the wrong reasons. So it was a relationship that was destined to fail from the beginning 💔
Like many, Ive endured the conflict between my head and heart, and still do. But every experience I have ever chosen has provided some of the GREATEST lessons about this crazy little thing called love, that I’m forever grateful for.
I can honestly say that EVERY single chapter in my life has brought extraordinary loves, which is why my hurts have ran so very deep. Because my feelings run as deeply as my thoughts do.
As I reflected over my challenges in love, while eating lunch at the pub. A diagram came to mind that I drew up, inbetween gobfulls of chicken pie and swigs of whiskey. A diagram Ive shared with you because in my mind its a map that describes the process beautifully.
I want to express my sincere gratitude to those wonderful men who have and still do LOVE me because as I heal my hurts, all that’s left is a heart so very FULL of the love that we once shared.
My hope is that we can ALL look back with as much love in our hearts as we do when a new love begins. Because then our choices are more likely to be based on love, not fear.
Truth be told, not all great loves are meant to last forever, some relationships are destined to end sooner rather than later. But whether the love in our hearts dies or grows stronger, is our choice and I will always choose to GROW from my experiences of love, however challenging they may be.
Maybe that’s why each NEW experience of love is something I instinctively want to OPEN up to and flow with?
Yet, even with that innate need to open, Ive still been going to war between my own head and heart lately, as the feelings of love begin to develop as the intimacy deepens.
Truth is, even as we heal our deeper hurts, our deeper fears still surface. Those dreaded WHAT IFS that take us away from fully enjoying the wonderful moments that are happening right NOW.
So, I’m here to remind myself how far I’ve come on my journey of self love and to remind YOU that we all have the ability to grow from our experiences of love, regardless if the marriage fails, the relationship ends, the lover lies, the husband cheats, the life partner gets sick, the soul mate walks away or our true love dies. Because we learn our BIGGEST lessons in love through our heart breaks.
Yup, Ive said it before and Ill say it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN
Our heart breaks us OPEN to the love we seek from others
Those of us who have endured heart breaks have just as much to teach about love, as those who have been in relationships for 50 years.
We ALL have valuable experiences to learn from and share with each other. So that we can ALL heal and grow.
She was the child who never held back,
paying no attention to who was judging her.
The young girl who expressed herself freely,
no matter how messy she got.
Tantrums and tears
Questions and curiosities
Pleasures and pains
Whatever she thought
However she felt
With no inhibitions,
she felt completely safe … to just BE
Then life grabbed a hold of her by the heart
Choking and squeezing
Restricting and limiting
Preventing and controlling
Slowly suffocating her into a state of suffering
Social expectations forcing her to conform.
Generations of cultural influences,
that kept holding her back.
Playing it small
Until the warrior within began to stir
Inviting in experiences that challenged her
Attracting what she needed to break free from the illusions
Opening up to the promise of more
The thinker began to think
The dreamer began to dream
The lover began to love
The seeker began to seek
The explorer began to explore
Tracey, you live in your own fantasy world
Tracey, you dont see things like everyone else
Tracey, you are selfish
Tracey, you expect too much
Tracey, you need to put it into the right perspective
Tracey, you need to stop thinking too much
Tracey, you need to be more realistic
Tracey, you dont need to share everything
When you hear these things over and over again.
Enough times, from enough people,
you begin to question yourself.
You start to wonder,
Whats wrong with me ?
Doubts that have fed my fears and starved my dreams
Truth is,
I DO live in my own fantasy world
I DON’T see things like everyone else
I DO expect the best from others and myself
I DON’T believe that I need to put things into perspective
Because when I put my experience into perspective,
I’m comparing my experience to others,
which prevents me from fully flowing with my own experience.
I DON’T believe that I think too much.
Because my mind is the instrument I use to process information.
And the more I open my mind and observe my thoughts,
the more productive my thinking becomes.
I DON’T believe that I need to be more realistic.
Because my reality IS different to yours.
And my sharing is a personal choice
” When you are born in a world you dont fit in,
its because you were born to help create a new one.”
Universe speaks to us by sending messages on our path
We either brush them off as being nothing or we open our eyes and become more and more aware of them. I know this, yet sometimes I miss the message and so Universe gets louder, until it has my full attention.
In the last 2 weeks I’ve had 3 strange incidents with wasps
The first one was while on my walk in the woods at Headington. Somehow, I managed to wander off the guided path, which seems to be an innate skill of mine because I do it a lot. A little disorientated (as usual) I thought to myself, “I just need to wander through the field, which should lead me back onto the path”. But one third the way across the field I noticed wasps flying around, looked down to see I was walking in a field of ground dwelling wasps.
WTF I never even knew there was such a thing ?
My initial reaction was PANIC but I reminded myself that if I panicked and ran through the field screaming (like I wanted to), that I would piss them off and they might sting me. So, I told myself to CALM THE FUCK DOWN TRACEY !!!
As I walked through a field of thousands of wasps, dozens of which were buzzing around my feet and legs with each and every step. I kept thinking to myself “holy shit, how did I come to be walking through a field of fucking wasps?”
I remembered that wasps, like most animals respond to our fear, so I tried to calm myself by saying out loud
” I am not afraid, I am not afraid, I am not afraid “
Of course, I was alone in the middle of nowhere and fucking TERRIFIED !!!
I must have looked and sounded like a right twit to anyone watching, but fortunately for me, I was the only lost twit in the field. A huge sigh of relief was breathed when I finally made it out of the field ALIVE without getting stung.
Phew !!!
“Oh my lordy, the adventure got a bit too intense for this woman” I thought to myself, but holy moly what a fabulous story to share. So, when I got home, I jotted it down in my notes as being the great wasp adventure.
The second incident was a week later in the Nature Reserve across the road. I had been on one of my walks and found a nice quiet spot to sit. But when I looked up I noticed half a dozen wasps flying around my head, so quickly jumped up and thought better of sitting still in that spot.
So, two up close and personal contacts with wasps and I STILL didn’t really think anything of it, other than a frightening experience that I wanted to avoid
Until last night …
I went to bed and fortunately turned on the lamp because as I sat on the bed, I noticed a bloody great BIG wasp crawling on my pillow.
What the serious fuck ?
Not wanting to kill it but scared of being stung, I very carefully put a glass over him and carried him down stairs, letting him out of the window into the garden. My heart racing and shaking, I thought to myself
What is the wasp trying to tell me?
So, I did a little research and found this
“You should express yourself more clearly and ask for exactly what you desire”
OK … shall do
Apparently, when a wasp comes buzzing into our life we are being reminded to ACT upon our dreams, not just to think about them. To make a plan and keep working towards it and let nothing get in the way because perseverance, desire and action is how we create the life we imagine. We are being reminded to APPLY THE PASSION to the reality we want to achieve.
OK … message heard LOUD and CLEAR
I DO believe in my dreams, I even hung it on my wall remember. Was scaring the shit out of me with wasps really necessary?
Alternatively, the wasp also reminds us that resistance to change is a form of self-sabotage. Universe is reminding us that NOW is the time to believe that ALL things are possible and that you deserve to have all your dreams come true and BE the best you can be.
Well, I sure am glad I never squished the wasp
Now is when I say Dear Universe THANK YOU for the message and hopefully no more wasps will be showing up to scare the shit out of me. It does make me chuckle though because spirit knows I’m not comfortable seeing ghosts coming and going. So, instead my messages from spirit usually come from Nature.
I am sending LOVE to my family, but its not from me, its from my client 😊
This morning she said to me …. “Please send my love to your family because you are the most important person in my life and I need you here”
Now, I’ll be honest with you, I have mixed emotions when my client says things like that, because although it reflects the trust and bond between client and carer. The very thing that’s pivotal to improving the lived experience of an elderly person during the most vulnerable stage of life. It also poses to be my biggest challenge because it also raises concerns of dependency and reliance, which is an ongoing challenge when caring for those who do depend on others.
How do we overcome experiences of learned helplessness ?
“Learned helplessness … When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may also begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change”.
I strongly believe that its essential to focus on those higher order needs
Because when our focus is primarily on responding to the lower needs (which is generally done in Nursing Homes), then we are failing to fully support our clients sense of personal empowerment.
Reigniting feelings of worth and value into the hearts of the elderly isn’t an easy process, because its not just a personal thing, its cultural and its collective. We are striving to change how we think, feel and experience frailty. But I’m learning that it makes all the difference to improving the lived experience during the final stage of life. Therefore, its absolutely essential to be on the look out for limiting beliefs expressed in emotion or behaviour.
Whenever I re-frame a thought connected to a limited belief, that makes my client feel less than or lacking in some way, I see her eyes light up from the realization of her own worth. When I reflect back her own beauty, courage, strength, wisdom, achievements and love, I see her eyes light up from the realization of her own value. These are the experiences I live for because it makes EVERYTHING worth while.
Unfortunately, in our culture we’ve been led to believe that growing old is all about loss and a lack of value, which is total and utter BULL SHIT !!!
So, how do we CHANGE this limiting belief ?
One step at a time 😊
For example, someone with memory loss often experiences feelings of frustration, which can increase feelings of anxiety because of their confusion. When I first said to both my client and caring collegue that confusion was a good thing, they both looked at me like I was crazy. Then I explained how confusion gives us an opportunity to check in and clarify what she needs in that moment. It reminds us as carers, not to assume that what our client wanted yesterday, is the same thing that’s needed today.
This is just one example of an opportunity to re-frame how we think, feel and experience the aging process.
Ive been fortunate to have been blessed with the ability to see the beauty in the elderly. Even as a young girl I felt an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation for their presence in our world, no matter how frail or tortured with dementia they were.
The challenges and the learning continues but the light burns brighter
Allow me to introduce you to the face of stress and resistance
Now, there’s a photo to put up on the mantelpiece to scare away the kids
Hopefully it hasn’t scared you off from opening up the blog and reading it
I talk a lot about healing our heart hurts and overcoming our fears because its a process that I’m actively working on myself. I openly share my personal thoughts, feelings and experiences, in the hopes of offering something of value.
Today, I feel compelled to write about our willingness to feel our emotional pain
As some of you know, my heart has been broken open on several occasions and it hasn’t always been pretty. In fact, at times its been down right ugly.
Don’t be fooled by the happy go lucky exterior
Like you, there are times when I loose my shit and fall apart
And as you can see, I’m the odd ball who takes pictures when I do
So, let me tell you about when I took these photos and why I took them
I took them while in Australia, when I first started to write about Mindful Masturbation. During one of my mindful masturbation experiences, I decided to take a photo before, during and after as a sort of visual experiment I suppose.
During this time, I was feeling stuck because I knew it was time to make some BIG changes, but the choices seemed so very challenging. Stress was starting to take its toll because I was feeling very frustrated for several reasons.
My nest was empty because my daughter decided to move out and go live with her best friends parents. I was rarely hearing from or seeing my sons. I was STILL working in the same role because there was little interest or support in my visions to reduce Depression. Turned out that my French lover was a married man and yes, I was STILL in love with another married man.
Basically, I was miserable as fuck
A mood that motivates bad habits, so I was comfort eating and wanking A LOT !!!
I was scoffing food in attempts to eat my feelings and feeling horny, which turns out is a very interesting combination.
Living alone, I was able to fully indulge in whatever mood surfaced. So, I would eat and masturbate whatever and whenever I felt like it. Of course, none of it was really giving me any pleasure because my mind was set on SELF DESTRUCTION mode. Sure, I wasn’t smoking cigarettes, drinking booze or having sex with strangers anymore. But it was self destructive none the less … or was it ?
One day, I was laying on my bed with a full and very uncomfortable belly, after scoffing an entire bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate. As usual, I was far too lazy to take the time and effort to pleasure myself. So I took the vibrator out of the bottom drawer, for a quick sense of relief. As orgasm came, so did the tears.
Yup, there I was laying naked on the bed, legs spread, vibrator hanging out of my vagina and crying my heart out.
Not my sexiest, nor my most proudest moment in life that’s for sure !!!
So, this is how Mindful Masturbation emerged
Because something shifted in my mind that day, after the tears were released
I acknowledged how I was literally “fucking myself”
My masturbation practice wasn’t the SELF LOVING, respectful, honorable and spiritual experience I wanted. So, why then would my relationships be any different ?
Ouch !!!
So, why on earth am I sharing such a disgracefully embarrassing story ?
Because I wanted to share the beauty of RELEASE and HEALING with you
When I first seen my own face after an experience of healing, I was in complete and utter awe. I stood in front of the mirror, gazing deeply into my own eyes, feeling nothing but love for myself. That was the precise moment when I fell in love with ME
Since then, Ive become more mindful in my masturbation practice
I now acknowledge the difference between when I need physical relief, emotional intimacy, spiritual connection or love, which is having a HUGE and positive impact upon my choices.
Maria was having nightmares almost every night now and they were starting to disturb the rest of the household. She wasn’t entirely sure why or how they started because they seemed to just come out of nowhere, for no apparent reason. It made no sense to her because she never watched scary movies, because she already had an overactive imagination, without any of that nonsense running through her mind as well. She hadn’t been through any kind of trauma and she wasn’t experiencing any challenges, apart from the nightmares. In fact she lived a very fortunate and blessed life.
So, why was she having nightmares?
Maria was the eldest of three daughters, her two younger sisters, Amanda and Dawn annoyed her incessantly, but she adored them none the less. Their parents, Marj and Kev were childhood sweethearts who were happily married, and as deeply in love now as they were on their wedding day. They lived in a little fishing town in Britain, on the North West Coast, always surrounded by lots of family and friends and never short on love.
Just a regular girl from a regular family, living a normal life … or so she thought.
She had turned 13 years old 1 month ago. It should have been an exciting time, transitioning into her teens, but it had been quite challenging. She experienced her first night terror within days of turning 13. Her usual happy go lucky self suddenly changing into a moody teenager overnight, which was worrying and as far as she knew, it certainly wasn’t normal.
So why didn’t it worry her parents?
As darkness fell her world had changed and she no longer felt safe. She tried ever so hard to focus her attention on everything that she was grateful for. She played outside in the fresh air with her friends, she ate healthy foods, she swam in the near by stream, she watched feel good TV programs, she listened to soothing music, she read beautiful stories, she laughed with her sisters, she cuddled her soft toys and now she even slept with the bedroom door open and the landing light on. But no matter what she did, she kept falling asleep feeling very afraid. Often waking in the middle of the night, screaming and terrified, after having the same reoccurring nightmare. She kept asking herself, what’s happening to me and why am I so afraid of the things that go bump in the night?
For the last 3 weeks she lay in bed, watching the shadows on the walls and listening to the creeks of the house as it settled. Feeling safe enough while her parents were still watching TV in the lounge room, but as soon as they went to bed and the house fell silent, the fear began to stir. Her imagination carrying her away, towards Monsters who lived under the bed, the Boogy man who was hiding in the closet and god knows what else that lurked in the dark.
Every night she hid under the blanket, surrounding herself with every cuddly toy in her room. Eventually drifting off to sleep, but no longer falling into restful slumber. Instead she drifted off into a dark and frightening world. First, she noticed the air becoming cold and her skin getting hot and prickly. Although she was sound asleep and her eyes were closed, she could see the bedroom as clearly as though her eyes were open. She noticed the shadows on the walls beginning to dance around the room, morphing into what can only be described as creatures from the depths of hell. Twisted, contorted bodies, pointy horns on their heads and long limbs that threatened to snatch her very soul.
As the fear grew, the figures got bigger and bigger, surrounding her on every wall and growing up onto the ceiling above her head. She dared not look under the bed because she feared what else may be dwelling in the darkness. Then she would hear the screams, as the creatures scratched on the walls, excited and thrilled that her fear was bringing them to life. Somehow, she knew that the shadows were feeding from the fear, but she couldn’t shake it and she didn’t feel strong enough to fight them.
After all, she was only a little girl. All she could do was close her eyes tighter and scream. Hoping that she would eventually wake up from the nightmare. But the deeper she slept, the harder it was to escape the things that go bump in the night.
She woke screaming from yet another one of her night terrors. It was the fifth one that week, so everyone in the household was exhausted. Mother tried to soothe and comfort her with cuddles, while Father tried to offer assurance, by checking under the bed, looking in the wardrobe and adjusting the curtains. But she was inconsolable that night and becoming more and more distressed. She felt so stupid because she’d never been afraid of the dark before. She wanted so much to be the big brave older sister, but instead she felt like a frightened door mouse.
Mother cradled Maria in her arms, rocking back and forth, offering comfort with loving words and tender touch, while her Father anxiously paced back and forth in the bedroom. Her two younger sisters stood in the doorway, giggling nervously. Marie felt like a big cry baby and she didn’t like it one little bit.
“There’s no such thing as the boogie man and monsters sweetheart,” said Father. “They’re only made up stories to scare little kids. You know I will always protect you girls and keep you all safe.” Maria sobbed “Then why do these horrible things lurk in the darkness of my mind?” Maria pleaded. “And what if they are real? What if I can’t wake up? And what if you can’t keep me safe Daddy?
Mother noticed the look of concern on Fathers face, so she quickly intervened. “Kev, I think it’s time to call on Tinkerbell.” He smiled and said “Yes, I agree Marj.” Maria, Amanda and Dawn all looked confused and their ears pricked up as their curiosity was tickled. “Who is Tinkerbell”? they all said in unison. Mother smiled and glanced over to Father. “Do you want to tell them honey, or should I”?
Tell us !!! Tell us !!! Tell us !!! … they all insisted.
Maria wiped away her tears, blew her snotty nose into the handkerchief that her Father had handed to her from his pajama pocket, and she gave a big sniff. Amanda and Dawn had already jumped onto the bed and were now under the blanket with Maria, awaiting eagerly to hear all about Tinkerbell.
Mother continued to tell her three daughters about Tinkerbell, who was a tiny little fairy from the Other World, who had been helping their family for generations. She was a guardian and protector and she wasn’t the only one. Apparently they also had a white unicorn with wings called Sebastian, who lived in the forest and a dragon called George, who lived in one of the caves down by the old light house. The girls were flabbergasted to say the least. What the heck had our parents been smoking? Maria thought to herself.
It all sounded like some kind of fairy tale, as Mother continued to explain how she had also suffered from the same reoccurring nightmares during her transition into a teenager. Apparently, it happens a lot to people like us. People like us? Maria wondered. What on earth does that even mean?
“My darling girls, we are light bearers”
Huh?
She continued to tell her daughters how they were from a long line of women, who could turn darkness into light. Here to assist people to overcome their worst fears and step into the their own brilliant light. But first they had to overcome their own darkness. Well, that could explain the nightmares, but it all seemed far too extraordinary to believe.
“You’re just telling stories” Maria said.
“Would we lie to you sweetheart” Father said with a grin.
Something Marj and Kev were really good at, was story time. They had read all kinds of fantasy fairy tale stories to their daughters, but this was different. This story wasn’t being read out of a book for starters and this story was way more exciting, because it felt strangely real.
Mother continued to tell Maria that the only way to overcome her fears was to focus on the magic, which is where Tinkerbell could help. All she had to do to manifest Tinkerbell, was to say “I believe” and she would appear from the lamp shade. Tinkerbell would then grow ten times her size and shine her radiance in the room, which would shed light onto the shadows, given them less and less power, until they disappeared completely.
“Where will they go?” asked Maria.
“To another dimension my darling, to a place where they can never hurt anyone again,” said Father. “But for Tinkerbell to manifest into our world, she needs to use a special kind of magic, that is only as strong as the belief we have in her. So the stronger you believe, the stronger she becomes” said Mother.
I was raised as a Christian and although I still maintain many of those core beliefs, my truth aligns more with spirit than religion. Because the more I see how religion separates people, the more inner conflict Ive had with my own religious beliefs.
Nature is now my church and love is my religion
My own fears and hurts around death and loss continues to be some of my greatest challenges, which has led to some deeper understandings. But I still have so many more curiosities about love, life and death. And the more I learn, the more questions I have.
“The more we learn, the less we know”
Our spiritual journey is a life long quest and we are forever a work in progress
As a grown woman, I acknowledge that religious texts are documented accounts of history, based on peoples perceptions of an experience they’ve either personally had themselves, or based on the experience of someone else. These are stories told and passed down to us, but they are not the absolute truth.
They are only versions of the truth
Something that concerns me is that the majority of religious and intellectual texts and stories of all kinds have been written by men. A concern that drives many women like myself, to write and share our own thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories. In the hopes of inspiring others to do the same because this is how we are reconnecting and healing ourselves, others and our world.
However, no matter who wrote it, the story of Jesus Christ is one that touches us all in some way. I remember the first time I watched a movie that retold the story of his crucifixion, and how confronting it was to see. As a child I had heard the very same story being told by our Sunday school teachers and had read various books about it. But there was something more powerful about seeing it come to life on the big screen.
Maybe that’s why I want to see my stories shared on the big screen ?
This morning, as I reflected over the meaning of the day “Good Friday”, I felt overwhelmed with emotion and started sobbing my heart out.
What the actual fuck? … I thought to myself
Where the heck is all this coming from? … I wondered
I was thinking about how this man was treated with such cruelty, for offering nothing but love, light and healing to the world. Then I got to thinking about how fear still drives so many people to act in cruel ways, and I cried some more.
I cry A LOT lately !!!
Today is another family celebration I’m missing out on, and as I look through the photos shared on facebook, the tears just kept on flowing.
I cry because I miss them all. I cry because I want to hug my kids. I cry because I see how cancer effects our Dad. I cry because I feel guilty about not being there to support my parents and sisters. I cry because I feel left out and I cry because why the heck do I always feel like the odd one out ?
I am the daughter and the mother who has made bad choices, and continues to throw herself into experiences that challenges the very core of who she is
WHY ?
Feeling so very unlucky in love, frustrated with the Aged Care system and fed up of feeling like the family failure. I got to a point with my moon manifesting, that I no longer wanted to sit and make endless lists about what I wanted to release or what I wanted to manifest. I recall standing on the balcony of my unit in Australia, over looking the silvery ocean, under the glorious full moon and I …
SURRENDERED
I soon realized that the Universe is listening and knows exactly whats in our hearts, which is reassuring but its also a little unnerving. Because something inside of me keeps saying OPEN, RELEASE, LET GO and HEAL
And believe me, none of that shit comes naturally
My hearts call to come back to the UK was an overwhelming desire to live my truth and my need to connect with myself on a much deeper level. Everything about this journey is becoming spiritual, which is something I’m so very grateful for, but its challenging. Because its an experience that brings so many thoughts, emotions and limiting beliefs to the surface, for healing on a personal and a collective level.
Something that I struggle to understand at times, because although I knew that this was a path I must walk, I certainly wasn’t prepared to be living a life of service. In fact, Ive lost my shit over it on several occasions.
During my 3rd contract I was definitely strategically placed with both a pilgrim and a family of Christian missionaries. Working alongside women who lived a life of service, in the name of the Lord. Women who had denied themselves of the experience of love, sex and pleasure, was something that challenged me. There were several conversations that left me feeling like I was being forced to live my worst nightmare.
Before coming over to the UK, I joked about seeking solitude in a monastery and living as a nun in the mountains somewhere. After all, my love life was one big disastrous tragedy and my sex life was pretty much none existent.
Geeeez, I wasn’t actually serious about it !!!
As I felt the pull to work as a live in carer on a longer term contract, knowing it would limit my sense of freedom. As I felt the overwhelming pull to fully release myself from the man I shared a soul connection with. And as I felt the pull to not actively date. Well, Ill be honest with you, I started to freak the fuck out.
Did Universe truly want me to surrender my need for intimacy too ?
Dude, none of this shit is funny
Arghhhhhhhh !!!!
So after lots of inner turmoil and many tears, I eventually took a deep breath IN
Hey, LISTEN up I said, as Lilith energy stirred up my spine like a serpent
I CAN live my purpose and be of service, while also living life fully as a woman
I CAN have it ALL
I AM worthy of love and abundance
And I WILL achieve my goals for the greater good
MIND REBOOTING … was successfully achieved !!!
Another limiting belief no longer holding me back from living the life I imagine
Thank fuck !!!
In reflection, I now appreciate how those challenges helped me to clarify what I wanted, why I wanted it and how serious I am about receiving it.
Tracey Marie Fletcher's Breaking the Habitz Blog 