The only way to avoid the feeling of loneliness is to embrace our solitude. We do this by being fully aware of our own presence, rather than the absence of others. Recent changes in my life are placing me in a temporary state of TIME OUT from parenting responsibilities and intimate relationships. A place I am NOT comfortable with being

I am not comfortable because its a place that triggers my fears of abandonment, lack of belonging and purpose. But we can either experience the discomfort of being alone or we can embrace our solitude and dance with our shadow

Are you ready to take the lead ?

We know when our shadow wants to dance with us because we feel restless and uncomfortable. Our motivation and energy fluctuates and reduces. Our thoughts and attitude around ourselves, others, love, work etc become negative and distorted. Our walls, guards and defenses go up. We crave substances (food, cigarettes, booze, drugs). We either want to withdraw or attach to others and we have a strong desire to flee from the life we live. These are all signs that our shadow has something to show us. She wants us to become more aware of ourselves and she will become more relentless in her demands for attention

We may feel her presence as a nagging thought in our minds

We may feel her presence as a sense of knowing in our guts

We may feel her presence as a constant ache in our hearts

We may feel her presence as a persistent twitch in our groins

We may feel her presence as a sense of restlessness in our soul

We may feel her presence as an itch under our skin

She knows where and how to tempt us and she will persist until we heed her call

There was a time when I could easily avoid this part of myself in a variety of different ways. Substance abuse to block out the thoughts. Eat to comfort the uncomfortable feelings. Sleep to avoid thinking and feeling. Have sex and masturbate to ease the twitching groin. Seek out love and support from others to soothe the aching heart. Exercise to ease the restlessness and I used to believe that it was more important to have a positive attitude than it was to just BE

At times I still engage in some those behaviours because I am a perfectly flawed human being, but I do struggle to avoid myself in the same way. In truth some of those behaviours can also be a positive response. But as I drink the wine, eat the food, have the sex, seek the love, take to my bed or exercise, I am more aware of myself than I used to be

“ignorance is bliss” … but only for the ignorant

Most people dont want to hear the truth because they dont want their illusions of truth to be destroyed

Its impossible to believe that we can be positive ALL of the time. Its unrealistic to believe that we only consist of love and light. We ALL have our dark shadows that lurk in the corners and they serve a very important purpose in our growth

Our shadows consist of all our fears, doubts, anger, guilt, shame, self absorption, jealousy and ungratefulness. But the purpose of shadow is NOT to bring us down, her purpose is to bring us to our own attention and help us to face our ugly truths

There will come a time on our journey of self discovery when we will meet our shadow self and we will learn that she is a gift to be cherished

She brings our attention to unhealthy attachments, patterns and behaviours. She shows us what it feels like to loose everything that matters most. She tears down our walls and breaks us wide open. She makes us feel everything we want to run away from and although at times it may feel like we are dying inside, we are actually shedding our skins

How do we dance with our shadow ?

We seek support

We say the thoughts out loud and challenge the nonsense

We express the emotions and stroke them gently with each release

We meditate and sit with the discomfort

We stay open to love

We risk exposing our darkness to the light

Shadow serves our highest purpose by shining light on our darkness

She supports our growth

Trust the process and LETS DANCE

In the past my efforts to loose weight was all about the LOSS

It was all about the sacrifices to gain results

It was all about loosing the weight that was weighing me down

Perhaps this is why Ive never succeeded ?

“Getting results, or losing weight isn’t actually about losing anything. It’s all about what you gain. The confidence you gain, the self-esteem you gain, the improved body-image you gain. You’ll be more confident to put yourself out there and really experience what life has to offer. You’ll build deeper relationships, you’ll be confident shopping for new clothes. The strength and pleasure you’ll gain from knowing you achieved what you use to dream about. You deserve to live the happiest life you possibly can”(Drew Baird: personal trainer/motivator)

Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perception

We can either focus on what we are loosing or we can focus on what we are gaining, the choice is ours. My choice to be car less really has been the best decision Ive made because sometimes we just need a little push in the right direction.

I may have lost my car but I’m gaining more opportunities to exercise, which is not only increasing my motivation to do more. Its also increasing my fitness, enhancing my coping skills and improving my overall well being.

This time is not about being so hard on myself and its not about denying myself of those things I want because life’s too fucking short not to eat dessert
If I fancy something tasty … I have it

Ive ditched the shame and guilt … and I ENJOY it

But because of my increased physical activity, I still see results. Those results being more than dropping in a dress size. I’m noticing that my thoughts are much kinder. My internal dialogue is speaking in a more loving tone. I’m being gentler with myself and for the majority of the time enjoying the process.

Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone and getting out there is about confronting our fears. Its about facing up to all the bullshit that has held us back over the years
I look at these images and I SMILE …

I smile because the first bike ride to work was a terrifying and uncomfortable experience and I felt every bit of awkward. But only 4 weeks on and Ive already halved the time it takes me to ride to/from work and I’m getting a real buzz out of zooming down the hills and pushing a little harder up them

WELL DONE ME !!!

My goal to transform my body is not going to be a quick fix because its about more than changing the shape of my body. Its about changing how I think and feel about my body.

Let me share a story …

Imagine if you will … I was riding along the road on Mary Poppins when suddenly I found myself in the midst of a pro biker group. I was surrounded by an abundance of male thighs in tight pants. Speeding along beside me, in front of me and behind me. For a few seconds I felt like I was part of the group. I felt the speed, the exhilaration and the energy, which made me giggle out loud … then as soon as they appeared, they were gone and Mary Poppins and I carried on cruising along at our usual slow pace with a smile on my dial

” Behold the turtle because he makes progress only when he sticks his head out “

The more motivated I become the more I want to push my limits. But don’t think that its all rainbows and lollipops because its not. The more I challenge myself the more discomforts I feel. But working through our discomforts is how we overcome the obstacles that hold us back. Those negative thoughts that pop into our mind and make us feel less than. The big difference now is I dont believe them. I allow them to flow out as easily as they flow in. I dont attach to them. I re-frame them, which then changes my experience. Some days I do it with minimal effort and other days I need to encourage myself a little more … but I AM worth the effort and so are YOU

Do you remember when our relationship status was this simple ? The good old days when women were courted, engagements were celebrated, marriages were for life, sex wasn’t discussed, a womans place was at home tending to the needs of her family, while men worked long hours and affairs were discreet rendevous, that were carried out in smokey rooms and dark corners.

Hmmmmm … I’m a romantic at heart so the old fashioned courtship is missed, but I for one am relieved that times have changed. Because in the “good old days” far too many women lived a life that focused primarily on everyone elses needs. So gratitudes and appreciations for all those who worked damn hard for the liberation of women because we are no longer reliant upon men. However we now find ourselves confronting a different kind of problem. High rates of unfullfilled relationships and middle aged women struggling to find a satisfying partnership. Women focused on personal growth, who seek a like minded mate to grow in love with. But why are such mates difficult to find?

I believe that the liberation of women plays a part. Both men and women have been somewhat challenged as we determine and adjust to our new relationships and roles. Establishing a state of equilibrium within ourselves and our relationships is an ongoing process that takes time, patience, alot of self reflection and plenty of open dialogue.

Technology also plays a substantial part in our problem because the online dating scene offers us a quick fix to our intimacy needs. Enticing us into a virtual world of opportunity and choice, where intimacy is superficial and shallow. A forum where we can be anyone we want to be. A place where “complication” thrives.

So, lets talk about the “its complicated” status because I feel its begging for some air space and it certainly needs some clarification, so we can wake up to the reality of our complicated situations and hopefully begin to start simplifying our lives somewhat.

The ” its complicated ” has various levels and YES Ive ticked them ALL

If we are flirting with the idea of being in a relationship then we fall into the FLIRTATIONSHIP category. This complication involves seeking the benefits of a relationship, while not being fully committed to a relationship. They typically define themselves as “friends with benefits.” If I’m being honest I kinda like this complication because with the friendship comes respect. And when there is open communication, there’s no reason why this couple can’t transition from lovers into platonic friendship. But conflict will arise when one person wants and needs more than the other is able to give. Hence the importance of honest communication because that’s the only way this kind of connection can work. This is considered to be the safe zone that we fall back into inbetween relationships with other people.

COURTSHIP is only a complication if one person isn’t interested in pursuing a commited relationship, but they enjoy the old fashioned romance. Yes, I have indulged in the romance of courtship with no intentions of pursuing a relationship. One man even took it to another level by conversing with me in the language of love. Shakespeare. It was a refreshing and delightful experience, but unfortunately it was a brief encounter because he was genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship and I wasn’t. Otherwise I would have indulged and explored the potential of a wonderful romance for a little longer. But for a courtship to flow naturally there must be a genuine interest to commit to each other. If not then you’re being a dick because you’re playing with someones heart.

TEXTATIONSHIPS are very common for online daters, whose intimacy needs are met by communicating via the phone and computer. In my early days of being single, this was enough for me because I didn’t have the confidence to meet men but I enjoyed the conversations. But this kind of complication can soon become a very bad habit, which denies us of human touch. Lack of confidence and a fear of commitment usually plays a big part in this kind of complication. But BEWARE of lies and bullshit because this is an easy way to connect while already in a relationship with someone else.

The SITUATIONSHIP is a complication that often involves a third party. Yes, been there, done that and graduated. Couples can often find themselves in a situation where their relationship is no longer satisfying but they choose neither to work at it or leave it. Instead they choose to exist together, living as room mates. One or both people often seeking sex, love or emotional intimacy from another person. This complication causes all kinds of conflict for everyone concerned. But in my experience Ive found that its usually the 3rd party who causes the most tensions, while the couple are often resistive to change because of what they may risk to loose. A very frustrating situation to find yourself in, especially when genuine feelings of love are shared.

You’de be surprised how many people are engaging in SEXTATIONSHIPS these days, and its not just the singles doing it. Its the safer sex option for anyone looking for cheap thrills and quick fixes, which is why it also appeals to the unfaithful husband or wife. But this is dangerous territory to roam, as it leads to the complicated situationship.

A question Ive often asked myself over the years. I don’t claim to have all the answers but I do have more questions. If its complicated then what bullshit are we telling ourselves? What’s holding us back from comitting to a relationship?

Those of you who have been blessed in finding the right mate to grow in love with have your own challenges, but I have not walked your path. My lessons in love have involved very different experiences, which you may or may not relate to. But regardless of our relationship status I’m learning the importance of focusing on whats missing within ourselves before we seek out someone else to fill in the empty spaces for us. Maybe then us singles and those in relationships will all enjoy healthier connections, without depending on our partners for our happiness. Just two individuals who are open to grow in love together ❤

Yes ❤ … but understand that this means loving the one you’re with !!!

I’m gonna share some thoughts and a concern of mine. So brace yourself if you are one of my critics or judgers 😊

YES, Im far from perfect and YES, Ive made some bad choices in my life when it comes to love. I acknowledge that and believe Im learning and growing in love because of those choices. But it really rattles my chain when those choosing to stay in unsatisfying and loveless relationships either play victim or blame the 3rd party, instead of claiming personal responsibility for their own choices. Choosing to carry on living the lie instead of facing up to the uncomfortable truths

Just because you are “happily married” or “blissfully celibate”, doesnt mean that this is none of your concern either. Not everyone is blessed in love or choose to deny themselves of sex and unfortunately circumstances change. So you may also find yourself or someone you love in an unforeseen conflicting situation, which is why Im choosing to open this discussion

Its no secret that I fell in love with a married man, so perhaps Im a little biased. But my story, like many others is not the story most of you have constructed in your own minds. Im just a woman who fell in love and trusted the man who fell in love with me to do the right thing, but he couldn’t for a multitude of reasons

Having found myself in yet another conflicting situation with Frenchy. I’ve been reflecting ALOT over my own part in the equation to better understand my own choices, and trying my hardest to understand his choices too

But I keep hearing the same thing over and over again. “I love you … but its not as simple as that” or “I want you … but its just TOO complicated” or “I thought you were more open minded than that ” … which ofcourse is all complete and utter BULLSHIT !!!

The thing is Im no stranger to the complications of love because I ended an 11 year marriage that effected everyone in my family. I’ve walked away from several unhealthy relationships and Ive chosen to be single. Choices that have all brought a multitude of challenging consequences, but I regret none of them because the simple part is … I choose to live MY truth, however messy it gets because Im not afraid to follow my heart

But Im a little confused as to why men and woman stay in these kind of unhealthy relationships, but think its then OK to seek out another person to fullfill their intimacy needs or accepting your partner doing so ? Im a little confused as to how they then get upset when tensions and conflict arise ? Is it really because they want the best of both worlds ? Or is it because they are too afraid to step out of the comforts of familiarity and into the space of uncertainty ? Are they motivated by love or fear ?

I’m a little fed up with this kind of bullshit to be honest and believe me there’s alot more of it going on than you realize. As a single woman Ive been hit on by countless men in marriages and relationship. Men in “complicated” situations seeking sex, love or emotional intimacy and some of those men playing the part of being in so called “happy marriages”. Ive counselled more than dated whenever Ive been on the online dating scene, which has been a great learning experience but it concerns me

Why are there so many people living in unfullfilled relationships ? Why are there so many men and women looking for sex, love and intimacy ?

I believe its because we are ALL on the same journey back to ourselves. I’ve had conversations with players and I too have played. The game is all about sex and power but the underlying truth is that we ALL seek LOVE ❤

But let me put it simply, just incase you still believe the whole complication bullshit … IF you have fallen out of love. IF you are miserable. IF you live an unfullfilled life. IF you dont want to fix the problems in your relationship. IF you no longer want to share love with the one you are with … then its not OK to bring another person into the equation. IF you are looking for another person then its time to leave the one you’re with

Its a simple choice that YES may bring challenges but it will also lead you towards living the life your heart wants, which is to BE living a life of LOVE, regardless of your relationship status

In the process of living MY truth I’m teaching my kids that its not OK to live in an unhappy relationship. Im teaching my kids that its OK to want more from life. Im teaching my kids that THEY matter. Im teaching my kids that its not OK to compromise yourself in love. Im teaching my kids that being in love with themselves is much more important ❤

So, instead of casting judgments on other peoples choices. Instead of partaking in idle gossip. How about we ALL stand in our truths and extend more love and understanding to one another. How about we drop the bullshit and encourage one another to live and love with more integrity and LOVE the one who will always and forever be with you ….

YOU 😊

Ive never been really good at the whole “tough love” thing because in truth it probably hurts me more than it hurts the other person

WHAT IS tough love ?

By definition its … “promotion of a persons welfare, especially that of an addict, child or criminal by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions”

Obviously this is why Ive struggled with tough love in the past because in truth Ive often struggled to do the right thing for myself, let alone for other people

But why is wanting the best for ourselves and others considered to be tough love ?

Most likely because when we enforce constraints and set clear boundaries we limit a persons choice. This will then either be the beginning of a positive change OR all hell will break loose, which is when the going can start to get a little rough

Sometimes our tensions and conflicts are a result of our own internal bullshit

Other times its because of someone elses bullshit

The tricky part is determining whose bullshit we are actually dealing with

When it comes to my maturing KIDS …

Tough love has been needed to reinforce respect and responsibility. My triggers being the guilt trips and blame games of divorce. A choice that still haunts me, causing self doubt and over the years has shattered my confidence as both a mother and a woman. My hurts being based around my fear of loosing my children and watching them choose the harder path

When it comes to my FAMILY & FRIENDS …

Tough love has been needed to reinforce my boundaries. My triggers being uncomfortable reflections of my own unhealthy habits or patterns. A choice that can cause more self doubt and chip away at my confidence some more. My hurts being based around criticism, judgements and lost connections when Ive spoken or lived my truth

When it comes to my LOVE LIFE …

Tough love has been needed to reinforce my self respect, self dignity, self worth and self love. My triggers being those uncomfortable feelings of rejection and being of less importance in their order of priorities. Walking away from men who declare love, while their actions express otherwise is a choice that still challenges me. Over the years its caused even more self doubt and destroyed what little confidence I had left. My hurts being based around my thoughts of not being enough and my fear of being alone and unloved

YES … at the heart of ALL my hurts are my own fears

YES … I’m much tougher on myself than I am on you

People often tell me that I think TOO much, but in truth if I’m unable to identify my own triggers, hurts and fears then I would be oblivious to my own thoughts, feelings and actions and therefore unaware of how my choices shape my experiences

HOW can we then change something we dont understand ?

Does having insight and being self aware make tough love any easier ?

Fuck NO !!!

Being consciously aware can seriously suck balls because once we have awoken, we can no longer escape ourselves. We no longer gain satisfaction from avoiding or denying our truth because we are only satisfied when we are living it

The truth is I am a woman with a soft heart who sometimes has to do tough things, but I am far from being a tough woman. The truth is I am not always a strong woman who has the courage to do what needs to be done with confidence. The truth is I am a woman who still confronts her own challenges and dances with her own demons. The truth is I am a woman who chooses to free herself from any hurts and fears that hold her back

But I believe as a woman, I am strong and courageous in my softness

I believe that a woman committed to her own personal growth and development will make sacrifices far greater than her expectations because she embraces the lessons

So, WHAT are my lessons ?

I’m learning that my change and growth effects everyone else around me

I’m learning that when we change for the better other people will be inspired to change too, but only after challenging us to stop growing

I’m learning that understanding my hurts helps me to appreciate the value of hurtful experiences, which is changing how I experience it

“When we dont allow others to suffer the consequences of their actions, we cripple them emotionally. We deprive them of the ability to learn from their mistakes. We also take away their ability to overcome their problems and change their life for the better” (Randi G Fine)

Is it easy choosing not to protect those we love from experiences that may hurt ?

Is it easy choosing to take a step back and allow others to learn their lessons ?

Is it easy choosing to let go of something we want ?

Is it easy choosing to walk away from something we need ?

Fuck NO !!!

Tough love hurts my foot as much as it hurts your ass

Its an unbearable feeling to be the one who kicks our children out of the nest because it goes against everything we are as loving and supportive mothers. Its an uncomfortable feeling to be the one who decides that her growth is more important than maintaining unhealthy friendships and relationships

But take heed …

There is nothing tough about choosing LOVE

Its only tough when we are motivated by our FEARS

When we choose to love and respect ourselves we are not only showing others how to treat us, but we also support others to love and respect themselves

When we maintain healthy boundaries we are not only choosing to communicate that we value ourselves, but we also show others how to live and love with more integrity

When we take complete responsibility for ourselves, we also encourage others to take personal responsibility for themselves

When we stand confidently in our truth we support others to do the same

LOVE and SUPPORT is not just about our willingness to listen and give good advice or walk with others through troubles

It is about who WE are and how WE choose to live our own lives

I hope you understand that the intention of my blog is not to stand in a place of all knowing. I’m not here to give advice or offer great words of wisdom because I, like you am a work in progress

My writing is also a work in progress. I write because its how I express myself and its how I process my thoughts and feelings. I share some of my personal experiences, challenges, thoughts and feelings with you because I believe it supports others on their journey. By sharing aspects and insights into my self, I believe it brings more authenticity to who I AM and what I DO

Some of what I write is wise and insightful, but some of it can be a bit messy, confusing and even a little amusing because I’m trying to write with more truth and integrity

Today I write about something personal. I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings about love. Yesterday I finally ended a relationship with my lover. I ended it because even though we shared love, it was a love without a future. I ended it because even though he was willing to risk loosing it all for me, he was relying on ME to make him happy. I ended it because even though he wanted to be open and honest with the woman he lived with, he was still living a life that had limited room for me

Was this the right choice ?

I believe so

Today I am choosing celibacy (for a little while at least) because I need to clarify what it is I actually want

After an emotional few days I woke this morning with an awareness of my dream. I dont always recall my dreams but when I do they are usually insightful

My dream …

I had the “house” dream again, which is something I dream whenever change is happening within myself. Last night the house was a very large building, with many rooms, hallways, doors and windows. Some of those rooms and hallways were hidden with little secret man holes that allowed people to move freely through the building. On the top floor there were adults (big important people) behind desks who were confining and controlling children (smaller unimportant people) to the lower ground levels. In my dream I was one of those smaller unimportant people exploring the house with a group of others. Those on the the top floor were unaware of the hidden rooms and hallways and oblivious to the smaller people moving through the house freely

Then I was my adult self again, outside, walking down a path on my own, when suddenly I started to birth a child. Then the dream got a little confusing because it flicked between scenes of being in a hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors to being on my own on the path outside. The child was birthed easily but the after birth didn’t leave my insides and then I woke up …

Dream interpretation …

Dreams of a house is symbolic of our SELF, with rooms relating to different aspects. According to dream analysts the attic represents our mind and the basement our subconscious. Secret passageways being symbolic of new opportunities, relationships or attitudes towards life. Dreams about birth is symbolic of new ideas, projects and beginnings. Placenta symbolizes dependency and reliance on others and them on us. As for the placenta staying inside of me … I’m not quite sure of that meaning ?

So, what is my dream telling me ?

Perhaps my mind isn’t controlling my choices as much as it used to ?

Maybe the more I explore my inner self, the more I discover ?

When it comes to love, Ive often settled for less than I deserve and Ive often stayed for longer than I should. Regardless if its been as a wife, girlfriend, partner or lover

What has kept me there longer than I should have been ?

My need for love, sex or intimacy ?

My need for comfort, safety or security ?

My fear of being celibate, untouched and alone ?

My hunger for experience ?

My thirst for understanding ?

Hmmmmm ?

Ive always been open to love but love isn’t what Ive gone out actively looking for. Instead, Ive looked for satisfying sex, fun experiences and great adventures. Telling myself that while waiting for love to arrive I will live and enjoy life to the fullest, which is probably why my experiences have been conflicting. Because the lines between sex and love have often become blurred. When I have fallen in love Ive ignored the warning signs, justifying my own or his behaviour. Ive found myself in situations where Ive trusted someone else to do the right thing instead of doing the right thing myself. Ive started to value someone elses feelings more than my own. Ive compromised my own needs until I began to compromise myself. Ive given more than I received and then lost myself in the process

But I believe that we attract the experiences we need and therefore we make a conscious choice to be in what ever situation we find ourselves in. This isn’t always a comfortable truth to confront because why the fuck would we choose to be in a situation that hurts us ?

We choose it because there is something to learn from it

I believe that when we begin to feel tension and experience conflict we are given a lesson. The universe is blessing us with an opportunity to learn and grow

” Some lessons cannot be taught. They simply have to be learned ” (Jodi Picoult)

Exploring our thoughts, our feelings, our energy, our behaviour, our choices, our habits, our triggers, our patterns and our experiences is one of the greatest journeys we will take. Its a journey that will lead us back to ourselves and our own inner happiness, instead of depending on someone else to make us happy. A journey that leads us towards our own wellness, where self love is possible

Once we’ve FINALLY learned our lesson in love, we need to adjust our personal boundaries, let go of what was and move the fuck on with our head held high

But remember, we are ALL a work in progress, so be gentle with yourself and each other

” Suspend judgment and extend LOVE “

Allow me to introduce Mary Poppins and Magic Mikey

Its week 4 of my ” changing habits. ” Still not sure what I actually want to call the process yet because “Get fit and fabulous at forty ” is too cliche. A warrior woman quest sounds like I’m traveling with hobbits and body transformation brings far too much pressure. So lets just figure it out as we go and hopefully something profound will come to mind

My 2 bikes may look the same, but they each give a slightly different experience

The cruiser style bike …

Mary got her name because the cruiser holds my body in a more upright position (when I’m not slouching), which distributes my weight more evenly. Depending on the mood of the day, depends on whether I hear the Mary Poppins or Wizard of Oz sound track. I feel more comfortable on her and I like how I’m better able to admire the scenery as I pedal. The basket up front can give me the wobbles and she has no gears, so she makes me work much harder, which isn’t such a bad thing (I suppose). Shes great for flat roads, fabulous going down hill (once you get the feel of the foot pedal brake and hand brake) but my legs still cant push her up those darn hills … but all in good time Tracey

The mountain and road style bikes …

Military personel from all over Europe compete in the 2006 United States Forces Europe Mountain Bike riders prepare to race at Aviano Air Base, Italy. Military personel travel from all over Europe to compete in these series of races. ( U.S. Air Force photo by Airman Nathan Doza ) ( Released )

Mikey seems to have lost his magic because his gears are dodgy and the brakes broke the other day (thank fook I wasn’t going down hill or it could have been disastrous). This style of bike puts my body in a bent over position, putting a lot of weight and pressure on my hands, which hurts. Hes a little higher than the cruiser, so getting on and off him in a hurry is a little tricky for someone like me, who isn’t overly confident on a bike to begin with. I feel awkward and clumsy (unlike other areas of my life where I’m totally graceful and dignified). Who am I kidding, I’m like the ugly ducking flapping her feathers like fuck. But as in the fairy tale she soon transforms into a beautiful white swan … right ?

The reality is a little more confronting ….

This image pretty much sums up how I feel. I wish I could say that I feel fit and fabulous, but the truth is I still feel fat and unfit. Every time I put on my silly little helmet and jump on the bike, I feel out of my comfort zone. Every time I get off the bike to push it up hill, I feel frustrated. Every time someone on a bike zooms past me, I feel slow. Every time I pass someone who looks me up and down, I feel less than. Every time I see someone snigger and smirk at me struggling (which isn’t often, thank fookness), I feel shame. Fortunately the majority of people are encouraging and the majority of the time I have a positive attitude and can laugh at myself, which makes it easier

I kinda lost my mojo in week 3 because of the crazy energies circling around new moon and my menstrual cycle. So I found it really tough to get up and out in between my nursing shifts, which is why being car less was definitely the right choice to make. Because like it or not 3 to 4 times a week, I am riding 5km and like it or not if I needed to go anywhere, I am walking or riding. So, even during my low motivation, bad attitude, carb and sugar blow outs, I still see and feel some positive changes in my body. Granted its been a little slower … but progress IS progress no matter how slow we go

Whenever I’m struggling with negative mood or thoughts, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and dig deep to find the inner warrior within …

… and she gives me the strength and courage to keep on going. She reminds me why I have chosen to focus on and prioritize my health and well being. She keeps pushing me forward because she knows I’m worth it

Given a choice I prefer to mount Mary Poppins, but I think we may need to introduce someone else and have ourselves a threesome (insert giggle). Ive decided that I want a cruiser bike with gears because I think it will encourage me to ride further if I’m more comfortable … its all about enjoying the ride after all

What is a Warrior Woman ?

A warrior woman is not WHAT she does it is WHO she is …

She is a woman who makes a conscious decision to take control of her own life

She creates positive changes for herself and for her loved ones

She defends core feminine values and serves to empower others

She is strong, independent, ambitious and honorable

She is willing to fight with relentless perseverance for her principles regardless of the outcome

She leads, mentors, encourages, inspires and motivates others

She is soft, sensitive and compassionate

She is highly spirited and expresses herself freely

She knows her words are powerful and uses her voice

She has a “can do” attitude and overcomes obstacles

She falls , but rises bigger, stronger, brighter and more determined each time

She stands on a mountain of spiritual integrity and understands her mission is to serve the greater good

She walks the difficult path of challenging cultural views, unsatisfied by the comfort of status quo

She is resilient and confident

She views adversity as grand opportunities for growth

The warrior woman lives inside ALL of us

She IS your strength and courage to be ALL you can be ❤

To be a warrior we must be willing to change how we see ourselves

Who are YOU ?

So, with that in mind I reflected over my “Get fit and fabulous at 40” quest and thought to myself, how boring and cliche that sounded, which is everything I am not. So, I decided to write about my journey of transformation in the way I feel it. Telling my story, which is about so much more than changing the way I look

❤ I am here to be the best version of myself ❤

As strange as it may sound I can pin point the exact moment in time when I knew my life was going to take a completely different course. I didn’t know why it was happening, I had no clue about how it was going to happen and I had no idea where I was going. I just felt the change in myself. A change that put my in a sudden state of panic

Ironically, it was pretty much to this exact same day 16 years ago. Around February 10th in the year 2000. The exact date is a little blurry because we had flown over to the UK for my Grandas funeral, who died a day before his 79th birthday. I was married with 3 small children and it was my first trip back home. Come to think of it, we also emigrated to Australia February 11th 1991, which was a another huge change in my life

Hardly surprising then, that its around this time again that I’m feeling yet another big shift happening in myself, only this time without the panic. This time I am excited because I know that even though its a place of uncertainty, change IS happening

When I first had this “feeling” back in 2000 I suffered from anxiety and had several panic attacks. It was a place that terrified me, yet something deep inside kept pushing me forward. I fell down into depression many times as I struggled to find my way. It was a very challenging few years because it was like breathing air that felt foreign yet familiar to me. My body reacted as if it was infected by some unknown virus

❤ It was the journey back to myself ❤

Many of us wander off track and loose ourselves. Sometimes we are influenced and drawn into worlds where we don’t really fit, as a result of the choices we have made. Choices that take us to a place where we feel like we are only existing. As if we are living someone elses life. A place where we have feelings of discontentment and a sense of emptiness inside

But … are we really swaying off our path of discovery ? Or are we choosing to walk those paths because they are important experiences for us to have ?

I think that those experiences provide us with the valuable lessons that we need

❤ I believe our choices are all part of our journey back to ourselves ❤

Our hearts are simple … its purpose is to LOVE

Its our minds that often screw us over

Can love remain after a loss ?

I believe so

I think its our thoughts about what we’ve lost that can hold us in our pain and suffering for longer than necessary. But I also believe that this is a natural part of our grieving process and it should be privileged for what it is

Our hearts break open and cause us physical pain when a love is lost because it feels like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. Its the part of loving that often makes us decide never to be open to fall in love again, to give up on our dreams and to loose hope. Our hurts can temporarily shut us down for business and build walls around our hearts without us even realizing that its happened

Accepting and allowing the pain depends upon the type of love lost

Loosing a child is different to loosing an elderly parent. Loosing a lover is different to loosing a friend. Loosing a job is different to loosing a dream. Loosing our independence is different to loosing our home. Loosing our limb is different to loosing our memory. Every loss will be experienced differently for each and every person

But whatever the loss and who ever the person, the best way is to flow naturally through our grief, however messy it gets and however slowly we go

Choosing to stand in our truth, however uncomfortable it is to face

Choosing to remain open, however much we want to shut down

Choosing not to rely on someone else to fill the gap, however hard it is to confront alone

Choosing to love our selves, however challenging it is to heal our hearts

Unhealthy hearts suppress the process of grief to protect itself, but the hurt doesn’t go away until its fully expressed and released. It manifests in other areas of our lives. We may make different choices to avoid or seek love. Our behaviours may change so we can deny or invite love in. The kind of love we invite in may change. Our relationships may suffer. Our friendships may change. Our bodies may experience fatigue, pain, illness or disease and we may even eventually loose ourselves in the darkness

Sometimes this is a place we choose to be because there is something we are meant to find there. Sometimes we need to accept the help we need to find our way out. Sometimes we must fight hard to find the light and sometimes the light finds us. It doesn’t matter how our relationship with darkness begins. What matters is understanding its purpose

The darkness isn’t a place to fear because it IS a part of us. Its purpose is to make us a whole being of both light and dark. Neither being good nor bad, right nor wrong but both being just a state of what is

“I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there really is only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light” (Barbara Brown Taylor)

A healthy heart is not only full of rainbows and light, its not without pain or suffering

A healthy heart is open to feel whatever it feels

A healthy heart appreciates and flows with both love and loss without resistance

A GRATEFUL heart is a healthy heart that LOVES

I used to believe that if I wanted to go somewhere, then I needed to have a destination in mind. I used to think that if I wanted to achieve a goal, then I had to have it all planned out. I used to feel like a complete failure when my path changed its course

Oh … how times have changed !!!

Although I do hold a vision of the kind of life I want to create, at times its blurry. Sometimes I loose my focus and the vision changes as I do. Its during such transitions that I feel the most uncertain and vulnerable, which is when my fears start to surface. But its a place I no longer run from, its a place I choose to sit in and wait. Its a place I still fear sitting, but its a place I know holds all the answers I seek. I just need to listen

My feelings of discontentment continues to lead me down different paths, seeking fulfillment. My desire to explore, learn and grow continues to drive me

But … in all honesty I have absolutely no idea when, how and where I’m going

At this stage in my life I’m literally only taking one step at a time. I’m flowing with how I feel moment to moment. I’m trusting the process and I’m surrendering to life

New realizations have recently surfaced into my consciousness and has caused me a little upset because I dont like what its telling me

 Since my most recent heartbreak I haven’t actually finished anything Ive started

Nothing is yet fully complete

I started the “Red Tent” course … but still have modules to complete

I started several books … but they all sit on my bedside table unfinished

I started the “Goddess makeover” … but have paused at the sacral chakra

I started the “Meaning of death” course … but pulled out half way through

I started the “Social media & photography” course … but am procrastinating

Hmmmmmmmm … WHY ?

This is not my usual behaviour. I’m the kind of woman who never gives up and always gets the job done. I hold the goal in mind and then I dont stop until its achieved

Its a Capricorn thing

So, I reflected over why I’m struggling to complete what I started ?

And it lead me down several paths of disappointment, loss, failure, rejection and a whole lot of fucking hurt …

A marriage, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

An intense 5 years of university study, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A love affair with a married man, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A relationship, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

Dating, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

When it comes to my heart it feels like NOTHING has actually gone in the direction I had hoped. Everything that has mattered most to me has ended or changed. Perhaps that explains my reluctance to complete those things I start? Maybe subconsciously I’m afraid to finish something in-case it doesn’t lead to where I want it to go? So by not finishing them, I’m avoiding the disappointment, the rejection, the failure and the hurt?

Who the fuck knows ?

I can analyze the shit out of it OR I can accept this new realization about myself and actually FINISH the damn things I started and go in which ever direction it leads me

The choice is mine and I choose to keep on walking forwards

… and breathe