The journey continues …


A conversation starter that made me wonder, is my beloved on an online dating site ?

I believe that love finds us, if we are OPEN to it and that our beloved arrrives when our soul’s are ready to reconnect in this lifetime.

In all honesty, I’ve never believed that I will find the “one” on a dating site. I’ve used dating sites because I don’t get out alot, socially, so there’s less opportunity to meet men.

Online dating increases our options.

I’ve had some wonderful experiences and have learned so much about myself, thanks to online dating, which is why I probably find myself gravitating towards it when I’m single again.

As a conscious woman, I’m well aware of my needs. Last Saturday night, I was alone in the training house, sipping on wine, feeling lonely. So I went on POF (online dating) to rub my bruised ego and distract my hurting heart. Sure enough the messages soon started to roll in, which still amuses me. Oh yes, there’s plenty of fishes in the sea alrighty, but this little fishy is wondering who is the fish and what’s the bait?

There’s the usual variety of fish in the ocean, its only the faces that change. But its so very reassuring to see more men wanting to engage in conversation. It reflects a shift from ego to heart that’s good to see in the dating world.

Some people are fortunate to find each other young, while others have individual lessons to learn before reconnecting with their beloved.

I believe that our soul mates are any soul that helps us to grow. But I’m still determining my beliefs around the twin flame. Unsure if it is another soul mate connection or the beloved?

Regardless of my beliefs or relationship status, I am a woman on her own journey in love. And its been an interesting one thus far to be sure.

The journey continues ❤

Riding the waves


After afew wonderful days, I found myself back on that damn rollercoaster of emotions this morning. A chain of thoughts that dragged me back into grief and my frustrations about an uncertain future. More feelings that demanded to be felt and more tears in need of releasing. The hurts from my past and fears of my future. A rollercoaster ride I often want off !!!

Loosing the matriarch of our family is having such a huge impact on me. Especially when I’m feeling so very lost and insecure within myself. I don’t feel like the Woman or the Mother I had expected and hoped to be at 44 years of age. I wonder …

How can I feel unsettled, yet fear settling?

How can I trust in my dreams, when the nightmare keeps replaying in my mind?

Life continues to challenge me !!!

Although I focus on taking one step at a time, day by day and moment by moment. There are times, like today, when I need more support. Today, I’m reminded that family IS love ❤

Love, knows no bounds. Therefore, family is as small or as big as we decide it to be. As I continue to walk my path, not a day goes by when I don’t miss my family in Australia. So, I’m so very grateful for my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins here in the UK. Thankyou for your listening ears, words of wisdom, loving hearts, warm hugs, hot baths and the tasty tatti pot. I love and appreciate you ALL ❤

Life is a wonderful adventure


I decided to take myself on an adventure …

Chatted to a woman at the bus stop, a traveller who came to Maryport by ship in the 1970s. Her hubby an avid sailor, they sailed, exploring the oceans. She spoke about her time in Portugal and Swizerland. About the hot summers and wet winters of Portugal. Surfing beaches in the Algarves, where you can walk for miles. She guided me in the right direction and onto the right bus towards Keswick.

It was a small bus, mostly full of pensioners heading to Cockermouth for their shopping. I listened to the Cumbrian accents, as the local travellers greeted each other.

I changed buses in Cockermouth. The Wordsworth and Fletcher Christian pubs were infront of the bus stop. Writers who inspire writers like myself to keep writing. I opened up a conversation with another lady standing next to me. Asking if she had walked Derwent Water. We had a chuckle about getting lost.

It was a busy bus to Keswick, so I headed straight to the back. Opened up a conversation with a young man, who told me all about the bus service around the lakes. He even walked me to the information office before he started work. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I knew where it was because he wanted to help me. He was from Preston, had broken up with his girlfriend and moved here to work. A new start, which I could totally relate to. Shoke his hand and wished him well on his journey.

On my wander around Derwent Water, I smiled, saying hello and asking for directions, to make sure I was on the right path. Everyone was so friendly and helpful, so I left the map in my bag and kept asking people for the directions. It rained on and off but the magnificence of the Lake District can’t be reduced by grey clouds.

It took me 4 hours and 20 minutes to walk around the whole thing, and I was absolutely fooking stoofed by the end of it. But it was WONDERFUL because I was on an adventure and my heart was full of joy.

Had to wait an hour for the bus back to Maryport, so I wandered over to the Fletcher Christian pub for a whiskey or two. First time in a pub alone and it wasn’t so bad.

Came home to a mighty feast that Uncle Keith had prepared for us. After dinner Aunty Julie and I popped over to Aunty Violets for a catch up. And now I’m soaking my sore footsies in a nice hot bowl of salt water, while sipping on another whiskey. Oh YES, I’ll sleep tonight 😋

Break ups, break downs and break throughs !!!


Letting go is a process and it can get so bloody messy and confusing. Even when we KNOW it’s the right time for our paths to diverge, we can still find ourself caught up in our fears. Holding on and staying stuck, where there is no flow, only resistance to what IS.

Although we both knew it was time for us to part ways, I struggled to fully let go. Although I knew that our choices were leading us down different paths because we wanted different things in life, I still struggled to let him go.

Why did I struggle ?

Because when we “feel” the one we’ve been loving taking the steps to walk away in another direction, our niggling doubts can play on our minds, causing all kinds of chaos with our thinking. My fear of making a mistake, of being alone and never finding a man who would ever love me in the same way he did, made it impossible for me to let go. My thoughts made me feel like shit. I felt rejected, abandoned and sorry for myself.

Feelings I had to FEEL !!!

I’m learning that acceptance, like healing, isn’t instant, it’s a process. I’m also learning how to be more gentle with myself during the process of accepting what is. As I continue to walk a little more confidently on a road less travelled.

To believe in the magic, is to believe in yourself


We are not the thoughts that we think
We are not the emotions that we feel

Our thoughts and emotions serve to navigate us on the journey of our human experience.

We are a pure form of energy
We are immortal
We are in essence, the magic 🌟

Our greatest challenge in this life time is to find the core of who we are. Uncovering the truth of our coexistence so we can live in harmony.

YES, we are the change we seek in this world.

We are peeling away what we’ve been told and rediscovering what we know. We are breaking free from our minds and trusting in the truth of our hearts. We are being guided home to heal.

What if I told you that ” Every woman that heals herself, helps to heal all women that came before her and all those to come after her ”

Would you walk through this world with more intention ? ? ? Would you live your life with more deliberation ? ? ? Would you open up to life and love with complete abandonment ? ? ?

To believe in the magic, is to believe in yourself

Life, is all about the journey ❤

Why am I angry about not staying angry ?


I don’t particularly like feeling angry because it usually reflects a sense of not being in control.

A struggle that makes me feel uncomfortable because it reflects a resistance to the flow.

But our emotions communicate so much without words. Anger is a valid emotion that shouldn’t be surpressed, so don’t deny it. There is no shame in feeling any emotion that rises because ALL of our emotions serve a purpose. Anger can be and is a powerful energy that can motivate us forward towards change. 

What makes YOU angry ?

Even if its yourself asking the question, be prepared to be angry about being asked why you are angry. Because anger doesnt like to be questioned, it wants to be in control.

My anger falls as quickly as it rises, which in itself makes me fucking angry. Because I fall into those underlying feelings that bring me back into my truth, where I feel most vulnerable

Fuck it !!!

Dare I share what was making me angry ?

Initially, NO !!!

So, I took pen to paper and wrote about it. To better understand why anger arose, why it fell so quickly and why I was angry about that.

Why was I angry about not being angry ?

Because right now I feel somewhat like the defeated warrior. Life has broken me to the core of my being and I’m bleeding from my open wounds. Dramatic perhaps, but none the less it’s how I feel. Because the world as I knew it was shattered and it’s changed everything.

And I’m not glad about it, I’m fucking angry !!!

Why did cancer come to both of our parents ?
Why did Universe rip Mam from our lives ?
Why did I trust my heart while it was broken ?
Why do my lessons in love have to be so hard ?

Why ? Why ? Why ? Why ?

Questions that are not to be understood, only accepted. But how do I accept what I don’t yet understand ? The seeker in me often struggles to surrender to what IS when I don’t understand

So, I wrote about how I am dealing with the current situation I am in. Acknowledging any emotions, I haven’t fully processed. And sure enough my fear is feeding my feelings of frustration and insecurity. Instead of standing in my power, I am feeling utterly powerless.

Feeling angry about not being able to hold onto my anger, is reflective of my inability to control the situation, which ofcourse I can’t.

Life is unfolding and that IS the journey ❤

Dear Wild Woman …


Dear Wild Woman
At times your roar won’t rumble
But please don’t be silenced
Know what it is that YOU do or don’t want
Speak your truth even if your voice trembles
Walk your path even if your legs shake
Don’t be afraid to trust your heart
And I beg of you, follow your instincts
Allow your feelings to guide you home
And return to the centre of your being
Where the Source of all Creation flows
And connect with Nature and Universe
YES not everyone will like it
YES you will be judged
YES people will fall away from your life
DO it anyway !!!
Never doubt yourself
Trust the process of change
Accept life as it unfolds 
Acknowledge the hurts and fears as they rise
Seek support and stay open
Feel your way through the pain
Breathe !!!
You are shedding another layer of yourself
You are becoming more conscious
You are discovering something wonderful
After death comes rebirth
So focus on your healing
Believe in yourself
And be ready to receive your hearts desire ❤

If we BELIEVE do we see (or) do we SEE if we believe ?


Feeling overwhelmed, I decided that I needed a break away from study, work and motherly responsibilities. I was in dire need of some ME time. So I booked myself into a place called “Heaven in the Hills”. I usually took myself away to the mountains to reconnect, but this time I felt like a little romance and a lota sex. Although not in a relationship, I had friends with benefits, who satisfied my wants and fullfilled my needs.

So a weekend of lustful love was planned with (lets call him Felix). He had to work, so I gave him the details. Felix planned to join me later and I arrived early. Booking myself in for a massage from the lady in the main house, who offered a variety of healings and relaxation therapies. I’d seen her before and swore she had magic flowing through her hands. Intuitively, knowing exactly where the tension was in my body and using the right amount of pressure to relieve it.

Yup, it was heavenly alrighty !!!

At the end of the massage, I was laying on my back, in a state of blissful relaxation, when she positioned herself to do some reiki. I felt the warm buzz of energy as soon as her hands rested on my head. An energy that flowed in a way I’d never experienced before. Waves of emotion vibrated through my body. I felt my heart chakra open up and was overcome by an overwhelming sense of sadness. I was mindful of my thoughts, “Don’t make a fool of yourself, DON’T cry” !!!

But I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I cried and cried and cried, then felt the energy moving from my heart, up towards my head. Pressure began to build in my head but her hands seemed to absorb it. The whole time, she kept her hands resting on my head, until my entire body relaxed again. I lost track of time and drifted off into a deep sleep.

When I woke, I felt strange, as if I had arrived on a new planet. I thought to myself “WOW, that was amazing.” My body felt relaxed but heavy when I got off the table. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought “Geeez, you look bloody rough.”

The woman was waiting for me outside the room, with a cool drink of water and a smile. When I told her how embarrassed I was for crying, she explained to me that it was the release my body needed.

She suggested I go take a bath, drink plenty of water and sleep. Inviting me to come along to the group sound meditation the next day. I said I’d think about it, but I was looking forward to being ravished. I was there to indulge in lotsa sex, not hang out with a bunch of people listening to a gong. So I pottered back to the cabin, ran myself a bath and opted for a glass of whiskey instead of water. But it wasn’t long before I could barely keep my eyes open. So I dried myself off and decided to take a nap.

When I woke it was dark outside because I had napped for 3 hours. I checked my phone to see if there was a message from Felix, but there was no connection. I figured he must have worked later than expected and was opting to join me the next day. Because there’s no way he could find this place in the dark. So I got the log fire going, made myself a bite to eat, poured another whiskey and settled down with a book before sleeping.

The next morning, I felt a little heavy in the head, so I poured a big glass of fruit juice and ate a hearty breakfast. Feeling a flow of creative inspiration, I grabbed my journal and started writing. Afew hours later, I wondered if Felix had been trying to reach me. So I got dressed and walked up to the main house, hoping there would be phone reception there.

Nope, no phone reception, but I wondered if he would call the office if he couldn’t reach me. So I rang the doorbell and asked if anyone had rang asking for directions. No one had, so now I was starting to feel a little annoyed. He had been known to let me down before, so I was starting to feel abit disappointed.

Walking back to my cabin, I noticed a large gong in the corner of the therapy room and lotsa cushions on the floor. The note on the door said it started in an hour, so I thought what the heck, why not.

There was eight of us and we were told to make ourselves comfortable on the floor with the cushions. I had no idea what to expect because I’d never been to a group meditation or heard a gong of this size before. So, I found myself a quiet corner to lay down and I waited for guidance. She told us to close our eyes, focus on our breath and to allow the sounds to take us wherever they carried us.

In the beginning I felt abit awkward being the newbie. Totally out of my comfort zone and a little anxious about fully letting go. But the sounds from the gong were divine, so it didn’t take long for the mind chatter to stop.

As I slipped deeper into a state of relaxation, I began to feel like I was somewhere else. The rhythmic sounds of the gong carried me away.  I was suddenly running through a forest at great speed. I could feel the branches of trees against my body, as I rushed past them. I felt the exhilaration of the wind on my face and when I looked down, I didn’t see my feet.

I was a Tiger !!!

My heart beated to the vibrations from the gong and I felt like every cell in my body was excited. I was transfixed by the sounds from the gong. The faster I ran the more my breath increased. I was panting heavily, but as she changed the rhythm on the gong, my experience began to change. My heart rate slowed down and I was in my own body again. My mind was trying to understand what the fuck had just happened, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I kept focusing on the sounds from the gong and my breath. Allowing myself to fall deeper and deeper into relaxation. The tone of the gong changed again and I was suddenly running ontop of a mountain top. I wondered what was I ?

I was an Eagle !!!

Fearful of heights, my mind wanted to stop me from falling, but I wasn’t in my body. I was the eagle. I watched my feet as I ran for the edge of the mountain and gasped as the wind took my breath away. “Fuck me, I’m flying.” I thought to myself. As I soared above the clouds and over the mountain ranges. My chest expanded as my lungs inhaled the air and I felt alive. The rhythm of the gong eventually changed and I was once again in my body. But it wasn’t over yet. She changed the rhythm once more and the deeper tones took me into an unfamiliar place. I wondered where was I and what was I ?

I was in the ocean as a Whale !!!

Fearful of drowning, my mind wanted to throw me out of the meditation. For a few moments I was floating around in the dark depths, but panic soon threw me back into my body.

“WOW that was fanfookintastic” !!!!

The gong was still vibrating and everyone else was still in relaxation, but I layed there with my eyes open, eager to share my experience.

I didn’t walk back to the cabin, I floated. I still hadn’t heard from Felix but I no longer gave a fuck. I had just experienced something that left me feeling in a prolonged state of climax. I ran the bath, undressed, submerged my naked flesh into the warm water and made love to myself. I had several intense orgasms that night, no whiskey and a restful sleep.

When I woke I felt amazing and I was starving, so I cooked up a big breakfast and poured myself a cup of tea. As I sat at the dining table, I gazed upon the garden. Noticing how the crimson sunrise was shimmering light inbetween the trees, through fairy ferns and upon fallen leaves. I was in total awe of the beauty.

I noticed the bugs buzzing to and fro and tiny winged creatures that danced with the light. “But what was that I just seen” ? I blinked and looked again. Something the size of my index finger was playfully dancing with the tiny winged creatures that danced with the light. My eyes widened and my heart fluttered because I’ve always believed in fairies, but this was the very first time I’d ever seen one.

She had noticed me too and was equally curious about me. Slowly approaching the window, we gazed upon each other. She had long brown limbs and although she wasn’t wearing clothes, her body was covered in what looked like leaves. As she got closer, her head tilted to the side and I leaned in to get a closer look. Her small round face was so very small and delicate, the size of my smallest finger nail, but she was captivating.

I blinked and she was gone !!!

Rubbing my eyes, I wondered what had just happened ? Had I caught a glimpse into another dimension ? Was I face to face with a magical creature ? Had I connected with a Nature Spirit ? Did I really just see a fairy ?

Excited to tell my family but reluctant to share my story with others, who may believe me crazy. I realize now that it was the beginning of a wonderful relationship with the Nature of spirit.

You may wonder what happened to Felix. Well, he told me that he had tried to reach me without success. Apparently his car played up and he lost the directions, but I was doubtful. So I thanked Universe for intervening with my plans and began to open up to the magic 🌟

Let the healing begin


Falling in love is easy
Living in love is challenging
Growing together in love is rare
Forever the hopeful kinda gal
I trust that the one for me is on his way
But for now its me, myself and I time (AGAIN)
Yes …
My heart feels the sadness of loss
My mind keeps replaying the what ifs
I feel the sting of rejection
I feel the wound of abandonment
But I realize that my conflictions in love
And the way my relationship ended
Intensifies my grief
The loss of my beloved Mother
Sits at the core of my hurt
Some days my thoughts drive me crazy
Some days my heart ache is unbearable
But each day I have a choice
Most days I choose to focus on the healing
Consciously aware of myself
I observe the thoughts that flow
I feel the emotions that rise and fall
Other days
I fall into the depths of my despair
Knowing no one can save me from this
On those difficult days I remind myself
That this is important work for my soul
That our healing matters to this world
Sometimes all I can DO is breathe
Either overwhelmed
Messy thoughts and heavy emotions
Or empty and numb
Each day is different and that’s OK
If you are choosing to heal your wounds
Trust the process
Don’t give up on yourself
Because YOU are worthy of love ❤

Soul work requires the vulnerability of truth


In the heaviness of her grief, she spoke the truth that surfaced from within the dark depths of her broken heart. Knowing it was the only way she could live an authentic life.

More aware of her seasons, reasons and lifetimes, she either opened up to or pushed people away. Knowing in time, it would determine who was meant to stay or be released from her life.

No matter how much pain it caused her to keep an open heart and mind, she refused to give into her fears. Knowing that her greatest adventure was awaiting on the path she couldn’t yet see.

She has the heart of a warrior

Generous with her love and forgiving of heart, but she’s no longer the fool in love. While her heart is hurting, she protects what’s sacred to her. Knowing that not everyone serves her growth or healing.

She feels the devastating discomforts of heartache, but refuses to be the victim and fall into the abyss of her pain. Knowing that it’s her own choices that liberates her from suffering.

As she continues to navigate through the dark night of her soul, she walks with grace. Guided by the energies of Universe that flow. Knowing that this is the path she was destined to walk.

Releasing herself from the old story, she lets go of the men causing the conflict within her heart. Knowing neither of them were the beloved, who could dive into the depths and surrender to love.

In her solitude she is becoming more soulful in her purpose. She falls, but each time she rises stronger than before. And she knows that the love she is yearning for is seeking her too.