Have you ever observed your own reactions? I have and it’s hard to look down upon yourself when you don’t like what you see.

I’m a lover, not a fighter but that doesn’t mean there’s no conflict or battles. There’s often a push and pull between my lower and higher self.

Both the beautiful flawed human BE-ing of complex contradictions and the enlightened spiritual BE-ing of love and light I am.

Even when I’m conscious of this inner tension, I still get pulled back into the old stories of limitation. Being impulsively reactive to my triggers instead of respectfully responsive.

The struggle is all too fucking real !!!

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and function to the best of my ability somewhere in-between. Is what I’ve been telling myself for the past 4 years. It’s how I got through some of the hardest and most challenging times of my life.

But this motto is no longer serving my highest good. It doesn’t serve me to think about what could go wrong. It doesn’t serve me to create different scenarios and possibilities in my mind. It doesn’t serve me to give the what ifs my time or energy.

I’ve been living in a state of conflict for many years. Torn between two hemispheres (UK and Australia). Torn between the light and darkness. Torn between fear and love. Torn between life and death. Torn between hope and despair. So it’s not surprising that when those conflicts resolve, I feel a sense of uneasiness.

So much uncertainty in the NEW

I’ve been struggling to just BE in relationship with someone who wants nothing more than to just BE with me.

I wanted MORE !!!

I was creating conflict by telling myself the man I love doesn’t desire me enough, doesn’t need what I need, doesn’t want what I want, doesn’t see what I see. Thoughts that made me feel suppressed and manipulated. Was I settling for less than I deserve? Feelings that kept fueling an internal split and external seperation. Creating a sense of disconnection from the one I desperately wanting to connect with.

No, the one wasn’t he, it was ME ❤️

My healing process has been about integrating fragmented parts of myself. Embodying the truth of who I am, by loving those parts I’ve rejected and denied in the past. Our healing requires us to become whole, which is why relationship triggers us so much.

  Just BE …

Is something my higher self does with ease, but my lower self is reactive to what’s seen or felt. Although I know I’m more than my thoughts and feelings, I still feel the weight in my head when I’m holding onto old stories of limitation. And I still feel the heaviness in my heart when I’m drowning in the depths of my emotions.

That’s when I get lost inside myself
That’s where drama is created
That’s how I feed fear and fuel doubt
That’s why stress is experienced
That’s what I’m ready to change
That’s what I release this Full Moon

There’s no shame in being reactive to our triggers. Unless these things surface to be seen, felt and processed they cant be released.

NOW more than ever is the time to BE more fully present in-between love/fear, light/dark, life/death. To integrate the polarities and BE an embodiment of experience.

I’m far from perfect, but my growth game is strong 💪😍

Sitting on the bank of yet another dry river bed, I picked up 3 stones and thought about my sisters. How we are the same, but different. As I looked out upon a river of stones, I thought about how each and every one of us are the same, but different. Yet we live in a culture that strives to organise and conform us, by giving us labels and ticking boxes so we can fit in. I believe that’s why so many of our systems claiming to provide “person centred care” in theory are struggling to provide it in practice.

Reflecting over recent tensions with my partner I see how the same but different is usually the source of our conflict. Living this kinda lifestyle in a new relationship means we get to see the best and worst of each other very quickly, and without the filters and masks. We are complete opposites in so many ways, but sometimes we are also mirrors of reflection. That’s why we both challenge and compliment one another.

Our relationships challenge us to look beyond ourselves. When we struggle to respect our differences, then there’s something separating us. That’s when we are invited to dig deeper, to find the source of our tensions and conflicts.

Unfortunately, we don’t always have the time to privilege those important reflections and conversations with ourselves, let alone with each other. Our multiple roles and many responsibilities usually take priority, so our inner tensions build and our conflicts create additional stress to our already busy lives.Then we wonder why we suffer from dis-ease 🤷

I broke up with stress years ago, knowing it’s the biggest source of our suffering, but the challenges persist. I’m living the dream with more freedom than I’ve ever experienced before, but restrictions persist. Truth is, if life was without challenges or restrictions, then there would be no opportunity for growth.

This month’s descent with the dark moon has been a little more challenging to navigate. My insecurity button has been flashing red, so my sensitivities were heightened. But I’ve surfaced with a clearer realization I wish to share …

Communication is a key to change 🗝️ but it requires us to unlock the limitations in our own minds, so we can release the LOVE in our ❤️

Surprised when my guts started to growl again, because I’d already been for my morning elimination. An overwhelming sense of urgency to empty had me retreating back to the toilet block …

… in a hurry.

Waves of energy began to flow through my body as my bowel contracted. My fingers and toes began to tingle, then my body temp dropped and I began to feel faint. Billy must have sensed what was happening because he ran into the toilet block, sticking his nose under the cubicle, as if checking on me. I was too busy focusing on not fainting, taking deep breaths. Trying not to fall like a sack of potatoes onto the floor. I watched him through the cubicle crack. Noticing how he sat outside, facing the toilet I was in.

Every bowel contraction made me feel weaker and weaker. The tingling in my fingers and toes spreading into limbs. My arms and legs numb, cold and pulsating. Although my body temperature had dropped I began to sweat. The cold icy kinda sweats we get as something toxic leaves our body. When we’re sweating out the flu, fighting a virus, eliminating poison or releasing our shit.

Whatever the fuck was leaving my body, it was toxic for sure.

There’s so much more to our digestion and elimination process than a physical act. We digest more than food and release more than shit.

Our body is in constant communication with us, but how often do we listen?

NO, I don’t have irrital bowel syndrome (IRS) because I don’t suffer from constipation. My body doesn’t hold onto shit because I talk about the shitful stuff we usually hold onto.

These kinda episodes usually happen to me when I’m fighting my inner demons, manifesting as symptoms of anxiety and/or depression.

IBS sufferers often go through these kindsa “exorcising inner demons” episodes after constipation. Although there’s physical causes for this, we benefit from responding Whole-istically, rather than limiting our focus on symptom management.

That’s why I share my experiences …

Over the last few days my insecuritues have been triggered. I was thrown back into the fear of loss. Once again, overwhelmed with feelings of uncertainty, as I walk through the dream, that is my life.

Yesterday, as emotions intensified, I began to feel more and more detached from reality. I didn’t want to feel connected to anything or anyone because I didn’t want to feel the intensity of my emotions, or process the conflictions of thought weighing heavily in my mind. I just wanted to zone out and not think or feel.

As a nurse, I’m well aware of the physical causes of IBS and the “shits”, but my desire to heal keeps inviting me to dive deeper. To explore how our limited beliefs, thoughts and emotions influence the flow of our energy, that impacts upon our health and wellbeing. If we focus solely on the physical manifestation of symptoms without exploring other possibilities, then we give our power away. Missing opportunities to find the medicine we need to heal.

Fortunately, my partner is open to talk about the shit, but I’ve been struggling to find the source of my insecurity. Unsure why I’m being triggered back into the old stories of limitation, that serve to hold me back. His soulful depths is what I love most about the man he is. I feel safe to be myself. Sharing the truth of who I am, however ugly it may be. As trust builds and our love deepens, I finally feel growth in relationship.

I needed reminded …

When I’m triggered I can either BE reactive (or) observe and BE aware of what’s happening within me.

If emotion is energy in motion, then our feelings are supposed to flow. If the story we attach to emotion creates discomfort. Then we either keep repeating old patterns of thinking (or) break the cycle by making a difference choice.

That is the NEW storylines !!!