Share the light and BE the love

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I’m drinking my cuppa this morning, alone at Yam. Too many thoughts are racing through my mind, so I observe the flow and focus on …

How do I feel ?

My heart feels NOTHING …

NO emotion, NO anxiety, NO ache and NO pain.

I wonder, is this inner peace or am I numb ?

Then I notice that Dad’s chair is empty, the curtains are open and the blinds are up. The nothingness now feels like emptiness. As I sit in Mam’s empty chair, looking over to Dad’s empty chair, a sense of sadness begins to flow, and the waves of grief begin to lap the shore.

The tears begin to flow because I still struggle to accept that they’re both gone

Dad was a traditionalist, so he would want the curtains closed for a week after his passing. We sat and dwelled in the dark for days, weeks and months after Mam’s death, because it felt like the light had gone from our lives.

Yup, she was a shining star alrighty 🌟

Reluctantly, I honoured Dad’s tradition on the first day of his passing, but struggled. I didn’t want to dwell in the darkness one minute longer. After months of having the lounge room blinds rarely up and the curtains often drawn. I desperately needed the light and air to fill my BEing, before the darkness consumed me.

I no longer fear the dark, but I refuse to dwell in it. I don’t avoid the darkness because I know this is when my inner light shines the brightest.

I am the WISH BONE afterall 😊

I hung a crystal in our parents bedroom when Mam was dying. We surrounded ourselves with crystals because we embraced their healing energies. I intuitively need to bring the light into the dark, but light began to hurt Dad’s eyes. So the only time we could open up the curtains wide, was whenever he wasn’t in the room.

It became my morning routine to open up the bedroom blinds and watch as the sunlight shone through the crystal, creating rainbows that bounced all around the room. It was a little something, but it did shift the energy.

YES, the light does still shine through the darkest of times. Sharing the light isn’t hard to DO, it’s as easy as opening up the curtains, to allow the sun to shine IN 🌞

Mindful interaction ❀

The SEE’er doesn’t have psychic abilities, she shares insights

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As a SEEKER I ask alot of questions …

If death isn’t the opposite of life, but a part of life, then why are we so afraid of death ? If life and death is an illusion because we’re all in a constant state of transformation, then why does death feel so final ? If death is the only 100% certainty in life, then why don’t we fully embrace and accept death for what it is ?

Hmmmmm πŸ€” she ponders

I’m not a religious woman, but I am a spiritual BEing and my FAITH is strong. Faith that’s often tested when I confront my own fears, but I no longer fight it. I dive in deeper and disect my fears, to determine what the fuckers are feeding on. Because I don’t want fear to limit me, I want LOVE to motivate all of my choices

As an Aged Care nurse, I have an acceptance of death, but I still fear loosing those I love.

Hmmmmm πŸ€” she ponders

There’s no escaping death at the moment because it dances around Dad every day, tormenting us with it’s presence. I go to work and see death lingering in the shadows, waiting for it’s next soul to deliver. So, it’s no surprise that death also finds me in my dreams. The details of my dreamings are irrelevant, but the message is always clear.

It’s not death we fear, its the changes that loss brings. Loss forces us to confront our greatest fears and takes us to the depths of our despair. Although I accept death, I struggle with loss because my greatest fear is that death is final. So I dig a little deeper and these questions come to mind.

What if death IS the end ?
What if there is no light ?
What if we’re comsumed by darkness ?
What if we fail to exist anymore ?

Arrggghhhhh !!!!

Existential crisis in progress …

Who the fuck am I anyways ?
What’s the point of all this seeking ?
Why bother if there is no spirit ?
WTF does Universe want from me ?

I sat with these deeper questions in contemplation. Observing the thoughts flowing in and out of my mind, allowing the emotions to rise and fall, feeling the inner tensions within my body.
Until my mind was silent and my heart calm, then the insights began to flow.

Regardless of our faith based beliefs, we all tend to agree that there’s a higher power. I’m more comfortable calling this The Source of All Creation, because I understand it as being an energy, more than taking a form. Hence my resonance with Nature and Universe, but whether we believe that death brings eternal darkness or everlasting light is irrelevant. Because no one really knows until we cross that threshold ourselves. What matters most is how our beliefs influence our lives NOW.

Truth be told, even if the atheists are right and there isn’t anything after death, there IS an unexplained energy in the here and now. As a woman who appreciates both scientific and spiritual truths, I trust that the experiences I keep having are serving a far greater purpose.

As a SEE’er I focus on the messages ❀

Releasing the OLD stories …

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Sometimes shit happens that triggers my inner demons. Someone may say or do something that triggers a defensive reaction and I notice my negative self talk firing up …

“You’re not good enough”
“You’re TOO much woman for one man”
“You’re not worthy of the love you seek”
“You’re destined to wander alone in life”
“You don’t deserve the kinda love you hope for”
“You’re better off alone”

Yip, the tragedies of my love life …

Hmmmmmm, she ponders πŸ€”

Thoughts that make me feel like total SHIT !!!

These shitful experiences, however shitful and at times hurtful, guide us IN towards a wound that’s still afflicting us, a fear that’s still protecting us or a belief that’s still limiting us.

BREAK FREE FROM THAT SHIT !!!

Let’s clarify …

You DO need to FEEL it before you RELEASE it

So, ALLOW yourself to get fucking messy πŸ’”

Break OPEN, fall down, let the tears flow from your heart when you can’t find the words to express your pain. Get fucking mad at the fuckery of the fucking fuckers and SCREAM, so the grief can leave your lungs. Let the ache grumble in your guts, then have a BIG shit 😜

Become AWARE of the mind-body connection because this is your FLOW. Expressing and releasing our emotions is how we keep the energy flowing through our body.

Accept, welcome and celebrate these shitful little moments and turn that steaming hot shit into fertilzer for YOUR growth πŸ’©

BE GRATEFUL to the fuckers who disappoint and hurt you, because their actions are shit, but their souls are fucking beautiful 🌟

Having an OPEN heart is a wonderful state of BEING because I seriously LOVE everybody. Yup, even the fuckers who hurt me ❀ I used to “think” this was a vulnerable state of being to BE in. Hence my defensive reactions, but now I know better 😊 I no longer believe everything I think, so I’m no longer confined to the limitations of my mind. I now totally TRUST my beautiful, messy and fucking mighty heart πŸ’“

So, this post is for the wonderful weirdos who love me, the poor bastards who lost me and the lucky fuckers who are yet to meet me …

I LOVE YOU ❀

Fall in love with life, heal your own heart and GROW into the best version of yourself, then go out and share that kinda beautiful rainbow magic with the world β€πŸŒ»πŸ’šπŸŒ·πŸ’›πŸŒΊπŸ’œπŸŒΉπŸ’™

Triggers guide us towards our attachments

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I’ve been contemplating and processing about my recent triggers. So thought I’d share some of my realizations and releases this New Moon

What is a trigger ?

It’s an emotional response to something that triggers a memory. Back to a past traumatic, challenging or hurtful experience, which hasn’t been fully processed, felt and released.

Why does this matter if it’s from the past ?

Because our attachments to the past hold us back from being fully present to live in the moment. Attachments in general limits energy flow, causes imbalance, hinders inner harmony and prevents the body’s natural ability to heal.

Hence why I drift between past, present, future

I notice how I sometimes struggle to be fully present in the moments when I’m challenged with an uncomfortable situation. Working in Aged Care, caring for Dad’s end of life and my relationships are my biggest triggers at the moment. Some experiences have triggered my limited beliefs that are holding me back.

Yes, believe it or not even I, the woman who is open and expressive still holds onto stuff. But I’m mindful of how my resistance to let go and release limits, blocks and holds me back.

This is why I’m called to dive IN to explore my deeper thoughts and feelings during most New Moon cycles. And it’s why I try to live in a state of surrender. So I can be fully present and flow with as much love and honesty as I can.

Triggers are like signposts because they guide us IN towards the limitation that’s holding us back from actualizing our truest potential. Our triggers serve an important purpose, so be grateful to those who trigger a reaction from you. Truth is, without them you would have less opportunity to learn, heal and grow.

When we blame others for our experiences instead of taking full responsibility for our choices, we only limit and hold ourselves back.

When we are triggered we will either …

React in fear (or) respond with love

Sometimes my defences are up and I react, triggering the other persons defenses, which prevents open communication to occur.

Sometimes I PAUSE and choose to walk away or I stay silent, because I need time to process  and feel what has arisen before I communicate

Sometimes my response is an open and honest conversation, that cultivates deeper connections and initiates positive change.

I react when I’m unaware and unconscious of my trigger. I’m responsive when I’m aware and mindful of my inner tensions and conflicts. And I respond with open and honest conversation when someone or something pushes a button that no longer triggers a reaction. I celebrate when this happens because it suggests that I have successfully released an attachment.

This New Moon brought many things to the surface to be seen, processed, felt and accepted. It’s my intention to release what no longer serves my greater good. I was able to move through the pain, the pattern and the old stories playing in my mind. I’m walking my way to a different ending, creating NEW stories ❀

Come dance with me

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We are more than our thoughts and feelings
We are beings of love and light energy

“Energy moves in waves
Waves move in patterns
Patterns move in rhythm
A human being is just that
Energy, waves, patterns and rhythms
Nothing more, nothing less”

Da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum

Our heart beat is our life force

Come dance with me ❀

LOVE is a state of being with life

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LOVE is a state of being and a relationship with life. I came to this realization awhile ago, but it’s been a challenging truth to accept because my journey with love hasn’t been an easy road. I’ve been blessed with the love of many men, but I’ve also endured the sting and aches of many heart breaks over the years. Yet I still believe in love ❀

Because those who have let me down, hurt and disappointed me have been the mirrors and reflections I needed to BE the love I seek. This is why I don’t fear failing in relationship

Although I’m open to explore clicks and connections, I’ve never looked for love (lovers yes, love no). It’s my intention to be the love I seek from other because I want to experience less attachment and deeper connections.

I am a seeker of deeper truths 😊

Love flows freely from me, so YES I do fall in love easily because I feel genuine love for everyone I meet. Truth be told I fall in love with those who share a piece of their heart and soul with me, whether man, woman, young or old.

However, I don’t commit to relationships so easily because I value my time and energy. I don’t need to be in a relationship because I’m not afraid to be alone. As a writer, I’ve learnt the value of my solitude and at times I crave it. But I am always open to learn from love

Openness to love means allowing life to touch our hearts. Learning from ALL of our intimate relationships with everyone and allowing our hearts to break open to deeper truths. So, my relationship status is OPEN because I’m either single, open to explore connections or I’m in a committed relationship, open to grow together in love.

LOVE is our greatest teacher in life ❀

The shifting …

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This mornings contemplations …

I dragged Mam out of bed to watch this sunrise (11th Aug 2017) and she loved every minute of it. We talked alot that morning but there was so much left unsaid. She had been diagnosed 8 weeks previous and we lost her 12 weeks later. Memories like this are so very precious because there’ll never be another opportunity to share these kinda wonderfuls together again. Not in the flesh and not in this lifetime anyways. This is a truth that still hurts my heart to acknowledge and is challenging to accept.

We have loadsa photos of Mam but I wish I had taken more videos. Because when those waves of grief wash over me, I miss seeing her physical form so damn much it physically hurts. Watching a video like this or hearing her voice offers my inner child a sense of comfort.

I often wonder why it’s easier to accept some deaths and not others? I wonder if I’ll ever be truly ready and able to fully let go of my attachments? I wonder why I’m struggling to let go and flow with this reality so damn much?

Being a woman who drifts between worlds and dips her toes in different dimensional realities, I  need to clarify reality to ensure I’m not living in a fantasy and following an illusion of truth.

The reality IS …

My Mam has died
My Dad is dying
My relationship status is single once again
My cubs are moving in different directions
My job no longer brings me joy
My life direction is uncertain

No fucking wonder I feel the way I do !!!

To be honest I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with Mam’s death yet. In truth, it all still feels like a bad dream because we’re still living the same nightmare with Dad. This is another truth that hurts to acknowledge and is challenging to accept. This nightmare began back in October 2016, when Dad was first diagnosed. It’s been a journey full of so many tensions, conflicts, struggles and challenges.

Although we go through this as a family, our experiences aren’t the same. We see, feel, seek and need different things because we have our own soul purpose on the journey in this life time and we are ALL the hero of our own story.

Truth is, no matter how prepared we “think” we are, nothing can really prepare us for watching someone we love die. Because every person, relationship and experience is different.

Although my spirit has awoken to deeper truths, sometimes I wonder if I’m yet to fully awaken from this nightmare? As we adjust to our new “normal” that’s forever changing, I cant help but wonder how am I gonna feel when all this is over? I wonder what life will be like when our parents no longer exist in this world?

In all honesty it kinda feels like Mam hasn’t really gone, it’s like she’s in another room and I’m just waiting for her to walk through the door. Maybe that’s because I believe that she is waiting for Dad? Perhaps its because I don’t believe death is the end? Maybe its because I can still feel her energy even though I can no longer see her body? Perhaps my faith helps me to feel connected to her spirit? Maybe I’m just holding onto whatever the fuck I can?

In truth, I’m just doing my best to get through each day with as much honesty and love as I can. Sometimes its a struggle to get out of bed or off the chair. Sometimes the darkness is too heavy and its a battle to fight my way out. And other times I have a sense of knowing in my heart that makes me feel like I AM the love and light navigating the way through this nightmare

These are the energetic shifts between 3rd and 5th dimensional realities. This is the shift from fear based thinking that limits me, into heart space where divine love guides my choices ❀