Have you ever observed your own reactions? I have and it’s hard to look down upon yourself when you don’t like what you see.
I’m a lover, not a fighter but that doesn’t mean there’s no conflict or battles. There’s often a push and pull between my lower and higher self.
Both the beautiful flawed human BE-ing of complex contradictions and the enlightened spiritual BE-ing of love and light I am.
Even when I’m conscious of this inner tension, I still get pulled back into the old stories of limitation. Being impulsively reactive to my triggers instead of respectfully responsive.
The struggle is all too fucking real !!!
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and function to the best of my ability somewhere in-between. Is what I’ve been telling myself for the past 4 years. It’s how I got through some of the hardest and most challenging times of my life.
But this motto is no longer serving my highest good. It doesn’t serve me to think about what could go wrong. It doesn’t serve me to create different scenarios and possibilities in my mind. It doesn’t serve me to give the what ifs my time or energy.
I’ve been living in a state of conflict for many years. Torn between two hemispheres (UK and Australia). Torn between the light and darkness. Torn between fear and love. Torn between life and death. Torn between hope and despair. So it’s not surprising that when those conflicts resolve, I feel a sense of uneasiness.
So much uncertainty in the NEW
I’ve been struggling to just BE in relationship with someone who wants nothing more than to just BE with me.
I wanted MORE !!!
I was creating conflict by telling myself the man I love doesn’t desire me enough, doesn’t need what I need, doesn’t want what I want, doesn’t see what I see. Thoughts that made me feel suppressed and manipulated. Was I settling for less than I deserve? Feelings that kept fueling an internal split and external seperation. Creating a sense of disconnection from the one I desperately wanting to connect with.
No, the one wasn’t he, it was ME ❤️
My healing process has been about integrating fragmented parts of myself. Embodying the truth of who I am, by loving those parts I’ve rejected and denied in the past. Our healing requires us to become whole, which is why relationship triggers us so much.
Just BE …
Is something my higher self does with ease, but my lower self is reactive to what’s seen or felt. Although I know I’m more than my thoughts and feelings, I still feel the weight in my head when I’m holding onto old stories of limitation. And I still feel the heaviness in my heart when I’m drowning in the depths of my emotions.
That’s when I get lost inside myself That’s where drama is created That’s how I feed fear and fuel doubt That’s why stress is experienced That’s what I’m ready to change That’s what I release this Full Moon
There’s no shame in being reactive to our triggers. Unless these things surface to be seen, felt and processed they cant be released.
NOW more than ever is the time to BE more fully present in-between love/fear, light/dark, life/death. To integrate the polarities and BE an embodiment of experience.
I’m far from perfect, but my growth game is strong 💪😍
Sitting on the bank of yet another dry river bed, I picked up 3 stones and thought about my sisters. How we are the same, but different. As I looked out upon a river of stones, I thought about how each and every one of us are the same, but different. Yet we live in a culture that strives to organise and conform us, by giving us labels and ticking boxes so we can fit in. I believe that’s why so many of our systems claiming to provide “person centred care” in theory are struggling to provide it in practice.
Reflecting over recent tensions with my partner I see how the same but different is usually the source of our conflict. Living this kinda lifestyle in a new relationship means we get to see the best and worst of each other very quickly, and without the filters and masks. We are complete opposites in so many ways, but sometimes we are also mirrors of reflection. That’s why we both challenge and compliment one another.
Our relationships challenge us to look beyond ourselves. When we struggle to respect our differences, then there’s something separating us. That’s when we are invited to dig deeper, to find the source of our tensions and conflicts.
Unfortunately, we don’t always have the time to privilege those important reflections and conversations with ourselves, let alone with each other. Our multiple roles and many responsibilities usually take priority, so our inner tensions build and our conflicts create additional stress to our already busy lives.Then we wonder why we suffer from dis-ease 🤷
I broke up with stress years ago, knowing it’s the biggest source of our suffering, but the challenges persist. I’m living the dream with more freedom than I’ve ever experienced before, but restrictions persist. Truth is, if life was without challenges or restrictions, then there would be no opportunity for growth.
This month’s descent with the dark moon has been a little more challenging to navigate. My insecurity button has been flashing red, so my sensitivities were heightened. But I’ve surfaced with a clearer realization I wish to share …
Communication is a key to change 🗝️ but it requires us to unlock the limitations in our own minds, so we can release the LOVE in our ❤️
Surprised when my guts started to growl again, because I’d already been for my morning elimination. An overwhelming sense of urgency to empty had me retreating back to the toilet block …
… in a hurry.
Waves of energy began to flow through my body as my bowel contracted. My fingers and toes began to tingle, then my body temp dropped and I began to feel faint. Billy must have sensed what was happening because he ran into the toilet block, sticking his nose under the cubicle, as if checking on me. I was too busy focusing on not fainting, taking deep breaths. Trying not to fall like a sack of potatoes onto the floor. I watched him through the cubicle crack. Noticing how he sat outside, facing the toilet I was in.
Every bowel contraction made me feel weaker and weaker. The tingling in my fingers and toes spreading into limbs. My arms and legs numb, cold and pulsating. Although my body temperature had dropped I began to sweat. The cold icy kinda sweats we get as something toxic leaves our body. When we’re sweating out the flu, fighting a virus, eliminating poison or releasing our shit.
Whatever the fuck was leaving my body, it was toxic for sure.
There’s so much more to our digestion and elimination process than a physical act. We digest more than food and release more than shit.
Our body is in constant communication with us, but how often do we listen?
NO, I don’t have irrital bowel syndrome (IRS) because I don’t suffer from constipation. My body doesn’t hold onto shit because I talk about the shitful stuff we usually hold onto.
These kinda episodes usually happen to me when I’m fighting my inner demons, manifesting as symptoms of anxiety and/or depression.
IBS sufferers often go through these kindsa “exorcising inner demons” episodes after constipation. Although there’s physical causes for this, we benefit from responding Whole-istically, rather than limiting our focus on symptom management.
That’s why I share my experiences …
Over the last few days my insecuritues have been triggered. I was thrown back into the fear of loss. Once again, overwhelmed with feelings of uncertainty, as I walk through the dream, that is my life.
Yesterday, as emotions intensified, I began to feel more and more detached from reality. I didn’t want to feel connected to anything or anyone because I didn’t want to feel the intensity of my emotions, or process the conflictions of thought weighing heavily in my mind. I just wanted to zone out and not think or feel.
As a nurse, I’m well aware of the physical causes of IBS and the “shits”, but my desire to heal keeps inviting me to dive deeper. To explore how our limited beliefs, thoughts and emotions influence the flow of our energy, that impacts upon our health and wellbeing. If we focus solely on the physical manifestation of symptoms without exploring other possibilities, then we give our power away. Missing opportunities to find the medicine we need to heal.
Fortunately, my partner is open to talk about the shit, but I’ve been struggling to find the source of my insecurity. Unsure why I’m being triggered back into the old stories of limitation, that serve to hold me back. His soulful depths is what I love most about the man he is. I feel safe to be myself. Sharing the truth of who I am, however ugly it may be. As trust builds and our love deepens, I finally feel growth in relationship.
I needed reminded …
When I’m triggered I can either BE reactive (or) observe and BE aware of what’s happening within me.
If emotion is energy in motion, then our feelings are supposed to flow. If the story we attach to emotion creates discomfort. Then we either keep repeating old patterns of thinking (or) break the cycle by making a difference choice.
Although I have many conversations with spirit, can sometimes see and often feel spirit in Nature, sense the presence of ghosts and know I could tap into this sight, a fear of ghosts still lingers.
I had another unsettling dream that brought this fear to the surface to be seen. So, this dark moon I’ve been reflecting upon it.
When I was a young girl, I had a nightmare (or visit), who knows for sure. My parents told me I was afraid of the big woman and little man in my bedroom, which is the earliest memory I can recall that may have triggered a fear of ‘ghosts.’ Mam shared her experiences with spirit and Dad told us magical stories, that made me feel safer to explore Otherworldly possibilities. Then I started to watch horror movies and seen a darker side that scared me.
Our imaginations can either create a fantasy or a fear. To either explore our wildest dreams or our worst nightmares. We experience fantasy and fear stories in the movies we watch and the books we read. Or, we ourselves are having the experiences that can become the stories other people watch and read. As a writer, both life and death are a source of inspiration.
So, why am I writing about ghosts?
We’re camping at Mary Kathleen, which is an abandoned mining community that’s now a ghost town. So, dreaming about ghosts isn’t all that surprising.
In the dream Stan was taking me to haunted places without me knowing, as part of a shamanic initiation. I was being tested, to see if I was able to tune into the negative energies and transcend the darkness into light. Although that’s not necessarily the reality of what is, dreams explore our conscious and unconscious mind, which is why our dreams can and do guide us in our waking life. It’s why psychoanalyst’s study dreams, Sharman’s experience altered states of consciousness, and I suppose it’s also why I descent deeper into my own psyche during dark moons.
I recall another unsettling dream I had while camping at another abandoned place. A stock man’s yard near Rainbow Valley. I’ve since been told that this place (like many others) is haunted because of what happened on the land in the past. Whether that’s true, who really knows for certain, but I have had afew interesting experiences.
My dream being one of them.
I can’t even be sure that I was asleep and dreaming that night because the fear began to surface while I was laying awake in bed. A paranoid thought popped into my head about being in an unknown place with no phone reception, that triggered my fear. What was a beautiful vast and expansive valley of rocks and caves during the day, suddenly became something sinister and dangerous. As the wind blew through the night, I listened to the old windmill creaking in the distance. Imagining people with ill intent emerging from the deepest, darkest caves and descending the mountain towards us. While Stan slept soundly, I was preparing for our fateful demise, planning how I would begin the fight for our lives. Perhaps that’s when I drifted over to sleep and found myself at the abandoned stock man’s yard? Maybe it was just a dream? Perhaps I had an out of body experience and my spirit was exploring another reality?
I don’t know for certain if I was awake or asleep, but I do recall the dream.
I was at the abandoned stock man’s yard, standing in front of the (3) rusted single beds we had seen sitting on the bank of the dry riverbed, but they were no longer empty. Aboriginal women were laying on them, but they were tied up. I looked around and seen a group of white men sitting around the campfire drinking and noticed aboriginal men hiding out of sight. I was there, but only as an observer. So, I watched as the men fought and blood was shed because land had been taken and their women raped. I felt these negative energies flowing through me like a raging storm. The darkness threatening to consume me as I found myself surrounded by their shadows.
The word FORGIVENESS came to mind and although unspoken spirit responded. First, the women found forgiveness in their hearts and they transformed into light, then the aboriginal men found forgiveness in their hearts and they transformed into light. The white men struggled and had to dig much deeper to find forgiveness. It’s easier to forgive others, but much harder to forgive our own wrong doings. Eventually they found forgiveness in their hearts and also transformed into light.
A few days after this troubling dream, I sat naked on top of the mountain overlooking the valley as the sun was rising. Listening to “Amen, by Enigma.” The words touch something deep within me. I outstretched my arms and had a powerful vision of having rainbow wings. The following day Stan and I both felt ready to pack up and move on towards Uluru, that was calling to us both.
Now, that’s a story for another time …
Although I believe in spirit, I’m still afraid to see ghosts because it’s a fear that’s constantly fed by the scary movies I sometimes watch. Knowing what my fear feeds upon, is the key to rising above them, which is why I dive into the depths of my mind and look beyond myself. I knew illumination was the focus of this month’s dark moon when the glow from the Waning Moon woke me at 3am the other night. As the nights sky gets darker, the deeper I seem to descent into my psyche.
It’s been an interesting few days …
My initial response to Stan’s suggestion to walk in the dark the other night was “no thanks”. He invited me to take a walk without a torch and sit in the dry riverbed in the dark, alone. My overactive imagination was already having a field day, so I didn’t really want to encourage it? Then we talked some more about how our experiences of the dark provide us with valuable opportunities, to not only confront our deeper fears, but also the darker aspects of ourselves. So, I decided to accept his invitation, acknowledging I didn’t want to do it alone.
I shared how fear had paralyzed me the night I was alone on John’s property, during a blood full moon on a stormy night. How I had stayed in the tent like a scared rabbit, too afraid to step outside into the darkness and witness the beauty of Nature. I was lost deep inside my head, recalling every scary movie I had ever seen. Imagining all manner of evils lurking outside the tent, waiting to inflict pain and suffering.
This NEW MOON these are the questions that have surfaced for me …
What is my greatest challenge? What is my biggest conflict? Where does the darkness take me? What am I afraid to see, feel, release? What fear is feeding the shadows? How am I inspiring a better world?
My beliefs and perceptions are no longer limited, but constantly shifting in response to new experiences that challenge my sense of reality. So, I can explore the possibility of creating NEW story lines, which the Indigenous describe as the New Dreaming.
My greatest challenge is learning how to live in a constant state of movement and flow. My biggest conflict is how old stories can and do still influence my thoughts and feelings. But I know that the darkness takes me to whatever demands to be seen, felt or released. So I can release what no longer serves my highest good or the greater good of all.
I no longer believe that ghosts and spirits are the same thing, I believe there’s a difference between the two. I understand spirit to be the essence of who we are, which is an energy that never dies. The word “ghost” has a different feel to it. I wonder if a ghost haunts places and people because it’s a spirit unable to fully transition into the essence of what they truly are? I wonder if the past haunts us in the same way because we’re unable to accept and flow with the natural changes and transformations of life?
Maybe that’s why it makes me think about our relationship with grief and loss? Perhaps holding onto the past is why we suffer from the death of our loved ones? Maybe our lesson is to become one with spirit, so we don’t experience the disconnection?
What if that connection can change how we experience death?
All I know for certain is that it’s changing my own experience for the better, which is why I’m sharing it with you.
Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of heights, but of falling. I conquered my fear of heights by climbing mountains. Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of death, but of living without those I love. I’m rising above the fear by learning how to live with my parents in spirit. Having acknowledged that I’m not afraid of the dark, but of what I “think” is hiding in it. I’m rising above the fear by exploring the darkness. I acknowledge that I’m less afraid of ghosts because I’m releasing myself from the past. Stepping into an unknown future that’s full of limitless possibilities. Although there’s no security or certainty in that truth, there’s plenty of magick to be found, which is why I continue to trust the process, believe in myself, have faith in the path and find the courage to shine a light upon the darkness.
I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been journaling my thoughts and feelings more than sharing them. Stan and I have been on the road together since 31st July and every day feels like a wonderful adventure. Although there hasn’t been any obstacles, there’s been a few challenges along the way. As I adjust to the new lifestyle and we learn more about each other in relationship.
Many people have told me that I’m living the dream. So, I’ve been reflecting over what that means to me. Interestingly, a blog I wrote 4 years ago (Dare to manifest your dreams) popped up in my FB newsfeeds yesterday. I believe synchronicity is a conversation with spirit, so I pay attention to those divinely timed “coincidences.”
I’m unsure if these conversations are with my Higher Self, Spirit Guides, Universe, God/Goddess or the Source of ALL Creation itself (what ever that may be). But I don’t waste much energy wondering who’s communicating with me, I focus on the message.
So, what does it mean to live the dream?
I suppose it varies depending on who’s answering the question, but when reality feels surreal then life can feel kinda dreamy. When the world no longer makes sense to us, it can feel like the world is moving around us, while we are standing still. I’ve always lived in my own little world, but grief definitely alters our perception of reality. But what if living in this dream-like state is how we eventually wake up from the illusion of death?
Maybe that’s the spiritual awakening people refer to?
But that’s not what people mean when they tell me that I’m lucky to be living the dream. When people say those things, it usually reflects their desire to have more freedom and less responsibilities. Yup, that IS the kinda life I’m living, but releasing myself from a stressful lifestyle hasn’t been easy. I’ve worked damn hard, lost so much, let go of lots more and surrender daily to going with the flow and living moment to moment.
That’s probably why living the dream requires courage.
I’ve dived pretty deep into what my heart desires, to make sure my ego isn’t in the driving seat. Discovering a desire is usually connected to an unmet need.
A desire for more money is generally a need for more FREEDOM
A desire to find our soul mate is generally a need for more LOVE
A desire for to have a dream job is generally a need for more CREATIVITY
A desire for more adventures is generally a need for more INSPIRATION
I say “generally” because the desire will depend upon the person, but identifying the desire helped me to focus directly on what I wanted to experience, rather than the object I “thought” I needed to achieve it. This has been a game changer for me because it automatically opened up more opportunities and possibilities. I was guided to experiences that showed me how to experience more freedom without money, how to experience more love without a partner, how to experience more creativity without having a regular job and how to experience more inspiration in unexpected challenges.
Having the freedom to love, create and inspire is important to me.
For me living the dream isn’t about being successful (not anymore). It’s experiencing the things I’ve imagined and wanted to experience. It’s following my heart and doing the things I’ve been called to do. Its the dreams and visions becoming a part of my lived reality. I’ve had many dreams, callings and visions that continue to guide me forward on the road less travelled. On a spiritual path that keeps inviting me to stay out of the comfort zones. Challenging me to rise above my fears. Daring me to take another step deeper into the unknown. Demanding me to surrender completely to the journey without a known destination. Guiding me to share what I learn from the challenges I overcome and the wonderful experiences I have.
But as you know, life hasn’t always been so wonderful.
Although I’m living the dream, I still feel those waves of sadness when I reflect over the last few years. After going through the cancer journey with our parents, we’ve all gathered up the pieces of our broken world. Knowing there was no going back to what was, and I had no fucking idea what I was going to do, or where I was going to go next.
So, I focused on taking one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. Trusting I’d eventually figure it out. To be honest, I doubt we ever really figure it out. I’m still just going with the flow of what feels right for me. Following my heart and listening to my gut instincts. But as I flow with the winds of change, it feels like my spirit has been liberated.
I wonder …
Is this what a spiritual awakening feels like?
Is this how the butterfly feels when it leaves the cocoon?
Is this what it feels like to BE free from the limitations of our mind?
Is this what freedom feels like?
Is this how a soul feels when the last breath leaves a body?
Is this what death comes to teach us?
I’m still peeling away years and lifetimes of conditioning, at times falling deeper into the messiness of my emotions. Stripping myself bare of defences. No longer rejecting, denying, or avoiding the truth of who I am. Instead, I see, embrace and celebrate ALL of who I am. Knowing that healing demands us to call back those lost and fragmented parts of ourselves. So we can BE-come whole again.
Call me crazy, but I believe that may be the source of our healing.
When I found resistance was at the core of my agitations, I realized why I keep falling back into the limitations of my mind. Its hard for our rational minds to comprehend that our messy and often conflicting emotions might be right. Although our emotions aren’t always an accurate representation of our reality, they are an accurate manifestation of our truth in that moment, which is why I trust my feelings more than how I think about, or processing my experience.
But how do we allow our emotions to rise and fall without creating unnecessary suffering to ourselves or harm to others?
As a soulful woman whose work is connected to serving the Greater Good, this is one of my greatest challenges. I’m often triggered to feel deeper into my own pain, but I’m also triggered to feel the suppressed inner tensions and conflicts of others. I can’t always distinguish between the two, which is why I seek more solitude and less social interactions these days. The more open I am to accept my own shadow, the more sensitive I am to the shadowy behaviours of others. And there’s nothing like a global pandemic to trigger fear responses on an epic scale.
Switching off the TV and strengthening my connection to spirit is how I release myself from the fear. Not following the crowds has been the most liberating thing I’ve ever done and I highly recommend it. Some would say I’ve taken social distancing to the extreme, yet I can honestly say that I’ve never felt more deeply connected to life as I do now.
I’m definitely less attached to those things that once defined who I “thought” I was though. Realizing that those things were only my roles and responsibilities, based on what society and culture tells us what we “should” be doing and who we are “expected” to be.
Who am I when I’m no longer someone’s wife, partner or lover?
Who am I when my children no longer need mothering?
Who am I when I can no longer work in a system I don’t believe in?
Who am I when I’m no longer the daughter caring for her parents?
Who am I when I no longer have a Mother?
Who am I when I no longer have a Father?
Who am I when life no longer has the same meaning and purpose as it once did?
Who am I when my job no longer aligns with the work I’m here to do?
Who am I when I’m not working towards a goal?
Who am I when I’m not trying to achieve something?
Who am I when I no longer fit into the systems or tick boxes?
Who am I when I’ve been ripped bare of all my roles and responsibilities?
Who am I when I’ve drifted so far away that I can’t find my way back?
I am …… ME 😊
And isn’t that enough?
My life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns, so change isn’t a new concept to me. Transformation is a little more challenging though, but what’s the difference? From my understanding, when something in our life changes, there’s usually other things that stay the same. For example: when I went through divorce, my family, friends, and work were the familiarity that provided me with a sense of security during that life change. Transformation involves EVERYTHING changing at once. For example: the cancer journey with our parents changed everything in my life.
When this kinda change sweeps through our life our sense of reality is turned upside down, and our sense of identity is turned inside out. Life as we knew it is changed forever and the only thing we do know, is that we’ll never be the same person again. We not only grieve the loss of our loved ones, but we mourn the life we once had and the person we once were.
Its true what they say: Every next level of your life will demand a different version of yourself. So, I’m doing my best to step into this next chapter of my life with a little more acceptance and a lot more courage to live those BIG dreams.
As a SEEKER of truths I ask alot of questions. Especially around death …
If death isn’t the opposite of life, but a part of it, why are we so afraid of death? If life and death is an illusion because we’re in a constant state of transformation, why does death feel so final? If death is the only 100% certainty in life, then why do we resist death’s presence?
Some of the questions I’ve pondered over 🤔
Truth is, there’s no escaping death even if we want to. We can’t out smart it and we can’t avoid it, which is why I want to know it better.
Having looked a little deeper into grief and loss for 20 years, I have a relationship of sorts with death. I’ve worked in Nursing Homes where it lingers in the shadows, waiting for the next soul to leave it’s body. Death danced around our parents, tormenting us with it’s presence for 3 years. So it was no surprise that death found me in my dreams, during times of great uncertainty. Taking me towards the depths of my despair. To expose my deepest and darkest fear to be seen. It was then I discovered my greatest fear is death IS the end. That there is no light, only darkness. That we are consumed by an eternal darkness and then fail to exist.
An existential crisis that tested the strength of my faith several times during our family crisis, when all hope was lost. From those traumatic and challenging experiences the daughter lived through her worst fear and lost her BE-loved parents 💔 but the SEE-KER gained deeper truths by dancing a little closer with death 💀
I’m not a religious woman, but I am a spiritual BE-ing who believes in a higher power. My FAITH is strong, but like many, it’s been tested by experiences of loss. Regardless of our faith based beliefs, many of us agree that there’s a higher power. I refer to it as The Source of ALL Creation, rather than labelling it as a God. However, I’m far more interested in knowing how your beliefs have and DO shape your faith, than proving what we believe is right or wrong.
Because our FAITH usually comes into play when death presents itself, we can’t deny how loss impacts upon our lived experience. This is something I understood when working in Aged Care. But we can’t talk about death without also acknowledging the significance of our lives.
What and who IS the source of ALL Creation ?
Many of us hold onto a particular theory about creation, but like death no one knows anything for certain. We seek answers to find meaning in our lives and purpose for our losses. When answers can’t be found, we keep exploring until we find something that fits within our belief systems (or) we may come to realize that we know nothing for certain, so our minds open a little more to other possibilities. We don’t hold onto (or) defend our belief systems, because we’re no longer afraid of being proved wrong.
The seeker becomes a SEE-ER when she/he releases themselves from the need to be right.
Over the years I’ve heard many different faith based beliefs, that have either resonated or challenged my own beliefs. Although I believe that a higher power is a source of energy, I accept that I don’t know for certain what it is.
I believe …
We are so much more than the thoughts we think and emotions we feel. Spirit is the true essence of who we are. Love and light is the expression of that essence, which is energy in its purest form. Energy is our life force, but it’s not the only way to exist. Spirit is our eternal BE-ing, but I wonder if our immortal soul is part of the whole that is the collective conscious?
Hmmmmm 🤔 she ponders
Whether we believe that death brings us eternal darkness (or) infinite light when our essence is transformed is irrelevant. Because no one knows for certain until we cross that threshold for ourselves. What matters most is how our beliefs influence our lives NOW. Truth be told, even if the cynics are right and I discover there is nothing after death, it won’t matter because I’ll be dead anyways 🤷
So, I choose to keep on living my best life in whichever way that feels right for me. BE-ing the LOVE ✌️😍 Shining LIGHT on the darkness 🌖🌑🌔 and sharing the MAGICK ✨
Learning how to love ourselves, I mean TRULY love ourselves is one of our biggest challenges in life. It’s certainly one of mine. Sure, I might say the words and want to make the changes, but until I FREE myself from a limited belief, then the patterns and cycles persist. And that’s why I decided to start this blog in the first place. To reflect, write and share my process of change.
Recently I’ve been asking myself …
Do my actions reflect self love? Do my choices honour my truth? Do my decisions serve my highest good?
I question myself often because sometimes my choices and actions are questionable 🤔
Self love covers a wide range of topics, but today I wanna talk about how we feel about our body. Sadly, some of us hate our body so much, we’re unable to look upon it without self loathing. Some of us dislike our body and struggle to feel comfortable in our own skin. And some of us don’t like a certain part of our body, wishing we could somehow change it.
HOW do I feel about my body ?
Well, the relationship I have with my body is a work in progress. You see, I don’t always feel comfortable or confident in my skin, while other times I feel like a sexy Goddess. I’ve never hated my body, but I don’t always like it. My body is far from perfect, yet I love it. And like many of us, I have my insecurities about how my body looks. My biggesest being my breasts, which is why I wanted to change them … but why ?
Ever since I was a young woman I haven’t been happy with my breasts. I was a late developer, so my breasts didn’t ripen until I was in my late teens. I envied my big breasted friends and felt less attractive because I didn’t have the same beautiful bouncy cleavage. As an older and supposedly wiser woman, I still find myself comparing my breasts to other women. And often wonder how I can appreciate the beauty of another woman’s imperfections, yet struggle to love my own? Over the years a combination of genetics, pregnancy, breast feeding, hormones and weight fluctuations have contributed to my breast shape, size and nipple alignment.
In all honesty I’m quite content with the size, shape and even the sag of my breasts. I love their soft fleshiness, but I’m dis-contented with the nipple alignment. For years I’ve wanted to be able to afford the operation to “fix” them. To make them “right” so I can feel more confident in my skin. Only afew weeks ago I wrote about how I wanted to “liberate” my nipples.
Is cutting my nipples off how I liberate them? Is risking their death worth realigning them? Is changing my breasts how I love them more?
Although I’ve wanted to change my breasts for years, I was in two minds about going ahead with the op. An inner conflict that created disruption to the flow, which began with an early morning text message from the Doctor. Telling me she had a cancellation, so did I want to jump the queue and have the op today?
Part of me wanted to say YES, but I listened to another voice that said NO. The voice from my guts that is my intuition. She didn’t check her notes, forgotting she advised me to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon. An appointment I was going to the next day. So it didn’t feel right to rush into it before seeing him. Turns out this was the right thing to do, because he suggested a different incision to encourage blood flow and reduce the risk of nipple necrosis. Even with the risk of loosing my nipples, I decided to confirm the op. Only to be told she had gone on unexpected leave.
Universe trying to tell me something ?
I was a little annoyed if I’m honest because I really did “think” I wanted the surgery. However, I’ve come to realize that not everything we want is right for us, which is WHY it’s so very important to question what we think.
After several conversations and lotsa self reflection, I’ve changed my mind. Deciding not to go ahead with the op when she returns.
So, WHAT has changed my mind ?
(3) significant conversations …
First, it was a conversation with a young man who openly shared his disappointment. He wanted to see more topless young women on the beach. But notices how it’s mostly older women with saggy boobs, or MILFs with boob jobs. As an older woman preparing for an op, it hit a nerve and I felt uncomfortable. Instead of reacting, I observed my inner dialogue, noticed how I felt and was grateful for the trigger. Appreciating that he was merely the voice of many men who sexualize and shame women based on how we look.
I asked myself …
Am I truly changing my breasts for me?
My desire to change my breasts was based on a need to look more attractive. My want to “fix” my breasts was motivated by how they looked, rather than how they truly felt.
I suppose that explained my nipple sensitivity. My nipples began to feel the tingles of sensitivity after a conversation with my sister, who was bleeding heavily. As women, our body has a wonderful way of connecting to each other, especially when in flow. I was ovulating, so my body was feeling super ripe and hyper sensitive.
The second significant conversation was a conversation with my sisters, that triggered a concern I was sitting with. I openly shared that if my nipples died, it would be another loss that would tip me over the edge. A disclosure that unsettled us all. They ofcourse responded in their usual funny way. Serena telling me that she would get another set of nipples tattooed on too. Sunflower nips 🌻🌻
The third significant conversation was with a friend, who wisely suggested I listen to my body and ask my breasts what they wanted. When I shared this with Keza, she acted out a funny scene in the car. Her hands were talking nipples saying “don’t cut me, don’t cut me” in her best chipmunk voice.
Fuck, I love my sister’s 🤣💕
After those conversations I spent a little more time exploring WHY I wanted to change my breasts. The extra nipple sensitivity and womb ripeness helping me to connect with myself on a deeper level. As the days unfolded I realized that my breasts and womb are so much MORE than what I see, or what you’re looking at.
My breasts are a manifestation of nurturing and loving energy, that responds to external stimuli. The sensitivity of my nipples are not only sexually arousing, they have a maternal presence that connects me to others. And my womb is a connection to the Source of ALL Creation. To LIFE and creativity itself. So why the fuck would I want to disconnect myself from that?
Light bulb💡penny dropped 💰
There’s no denying that part (if not most) of the reason why I wanted to change the structure of my breasts, is a deep seeded limited belief that my breasts aren’t visually attractive. That they aren’t good enough because my nipples points south, not east. When I say that out loud to myself, I hear how ridiculous it sounds.
Yes, I can fully appreciate the beauty of a great pair of breasts, but does that mean mine aren’t as equally great? Are my breasts not great just because my nipples point down instead of up?
Ofcourse not !!!
The medical term for my breast “condition” is Ptosis, which basically means the different stages of a sagging breast. A natural part of the aging process and a gravitational response that many women (myself included) don’t like.
Fortunately, I believe aging is a privilege, which is why me and my Snoopy Boobs are going beyond nipple liberation. We are breaking FREE from the limited belief that my breasts aren’t good enough. Because how my nipples FEEL is way more important than how they look, or which direction on the compass they are pointing. I want to BE the kinda woman who walks her talk. So, I’ll continue to question myself. To make sure my actions reflect self love, my choices honour my truth and my decisions serve my highest good. And my nips couldn’t be happier 😍
Yip, I don’t look like a miserable cow today cos I feel like smiling. The photo’s captured a look in my eye I kinda like. I can see determination and confidence, which is something I don’t always see in myself. I see a woman of strength who has the courage to not only stand more confidently in her truth, but shares it openly. A woman without a mask or defences because she’s not afraid to be seen as she truly IS.
I see …
A warrior of light ✨ and a solidier of LOVE 💗
Like YOU, I’m far from perfect, yet I’m perfect in my imperfections. I’m a beautiful complex human BEing full of contradictions. A combination of light and dark because there’s neither one without the other. My flaws, faults, failings and fuck ups don’t define me, but they do shape me into the woman I am. Just as my achievements, strengths, privileges and successes do.
I’ve been thinking about WHO I am …
I am the sun that rises in the sky each and every morning, regardless of how many clouds prevent the light from shining through. No matter how hopeless it seems, I am the hope of each and every new day. I am the moon that waxes and wanes in the night sky, the one who sees the light shining from the depths of your soul. I am the stars that sparkle in the sky. The twinklings of light that shine on from a vast and eternal Universe. I am the Source of Creation and the infinite Nature of LIFE itself.
No, I’m not on a grandiose trip 🤣
I believe this is who I am because whether you are alive or dead, I can see the infinite Nature of who YOU truly are too. This is my connection to spirit as I experience it. The sacred masculine (sun) and feminine (moon) is our divine birth right. I see the sun, the moon and the stars within YOU too because everything we are is but a reflection of each other. When we are in flow with who we truly are, we align our energy with Universe. To manifest experiences and co create realities. This is the kinda magic WE are ✨
Read that again and allow it to EMPOWER you.
None of us are good or bad. Neither of us are right or wrong when we are who we truly are.
And BEing who we truly are is enough 💗
I can and DO get caught up in old stories that serve to limit my experience. I can and DO react to things not working out as hoped. I can and DO struggle to flow without resistance. The only difference is, I notice when I DO, which is how I can then have the power to make the change.
I see the ripples from the changes I’m making.
Whenever I share my darker thoughts, feelings and/or experiences. My sharings either trigger or resonate with others. I dare to drop the mask and risk being seen, not only as my need for self expression, but so YOU can see yourself.
Those who see the beauty in my misery have embraced the darkness within themselves 💗
Those who cannot look or see the beauty are struggling to love the darkness within them 💗
That’s WHY it’s important to shine brightly ✨
I still find it truly fascinating how thoughts can shift us from feeling like nothing, to then feeling like we are literally part of everything.
Perhaps they really are ONE in the same?
What if, we must BEcome nothing, to be able to fully realise that we are infact everything?
Maybe that’s the void of emptiness?
I know, my thoughts are deep and I’m feeling a little philosophical this morning. Its not unusual to emerge from the dark with deeper thoughts and new insights. These are the purpose of our descents into our shadow. I also had the best night’s sleep (close to 12 hours infact) and I didn’t get out of bed for a piddle once, which is a rarity. Although I woke and turned, I kept drifting back over into sleep with ease. I woke this morning recalling a strange sorta dream.
No, I won’t smile when I don’t feel like smiling, and I don’t give a fuck if I look like a miserable cow. I can’t pretend to be someone / something I’m not, nor will I. Instead of hiding behind a mask, I drop it and BE the miserable cow I am.
Because I can look at this photo and fall deeper in love with the truth of who I am 💗
Yes, I believe in Otherworldly magic, but I won’t buy into the fairy tale bullshit. If I notice myself building a fantasy castle for the damzel in distress, then I’ll keep digging deeper. To find the strength and courage I need, to slay the inner demons who want to fucking dance.
They want to dance, which is why I’ve been triggered. First it was a FB memory that took me back. To the day I was confronted with the possibility of loosing both of our parents. The day I walked alone on a path between the past and the future. I was in the UK when Dad had been rushed into hospital in a critical condition, and later that night Mam collapsed and was also rushed to hospital. If Serena and James hadn’t been there, then we may have lost Mam then.
I’m grateful for the time we had, yet troubled by some of the experiences we shared. And I can’t seem to shake myself free from those difficult moments that still cause me distress to think about.
Then my troubled mind was thrown even deeper into my feelings, when my hopeful heart felt the sting of rejection. A realization that the opportunity had already passed me by, and the man in question no longer wants to explore our connection. Although I know this to be a sign of what’s not meant to be, I’m beginning to tire of having an empty space beside me. And it’s a space I seem to be noticing more and more.
While waving goodbye to my son and his girlfriend yesterday, I turned around and felt the emptiness of not having someone to turn to.
Although I experience plenty of bliss here in the cabin, there’s still so much solace in my solitude. Something that not only triggers my grief and loss, but also makes me miss the presence of a significant other in my life.
My heart wants to open
My hands wants to be held
My lips want to be kissed
My skin wants to be touched
My body wants to make love
But I’m being encouraged to sit with myself, to BE fully present in the moments and feel life as it IS, no matter how uncomfortable. I’m tired of feeling the heaviness of grief and the weight of bullshit. I want to feel angry because there’s so much more power in my rage, but all I feel is sadness, despair and a whole lot of anxiety.
That’s why I decided to have afew puffs on my pipe last night. I stopped smoking about 5 years ago and have no interest in starting again, but every now and then I have a fancy for weed. So I got myself a little, with plans to use it as part of my meditation when or if the mood struck.
I shouldn’t have had any last night because I hadn’t drank enough water, so my body wasn’t well hydrated. I was on the last day of my cycle afew days after dark moon, so energies were flowing more towards shadow than light.
My heart began to race so fast I thought I was gonna die right there and then, alone in the cabin. I’ve felt this depth of panic before (afew times actually) under different circumstances and for different reasons, but fear always comes with the same sense of dread and panic.
I reached out to my daughter and my sister. Not wanting to worry them, but I was confronting my deepest fear. Afraid of my life coming to a sudden end, and I was terrified of dying alone.
For 3 hours I rode waves of fear that eventually took me back to my wounded 17 year old self, where I relived and felt some intense emotions. As my body temperature dropped, I shook like I had hypothermia. But as each emotion flowed, my heart rate started to slow down. My sister said I was literally shaking off the shit. I’m not so sure because I still feel kinda crap today.
As I began to feel the relief of panic easing, feelings of shame began to flow. Instead of riding the waves alone (as I usually do) I had exposed my weakest and most vulnerable self, to those who love and care about me. Instead of being the Mother and Sister I so desperatly want to be, I was the mighty mess that I am. In some ways I still feel like that lost 17 year old girl, who’s life just never seems to work out as she plans or hopes.
To be honest, it’s not easy to acknowledge or write these words, nor is it easy to read them, but it’s my truth.
Today I’ve been gentle with myself and doing my best to stay present, by focusing on my senses instead of getting lost in my head, or dwelling in my emotions. By saging the cabin (and myself), burning lemon grass candles, holding crystals, sniffing essential oils, bathing in a hot bath of herbal salts, drinking warm tea, filling my belly with yummy food, hugging trees, inhaling lots of fresh forest air, appreciating the beauty of Nature, counting my blessings and writing. All of which helps me to stay present, without distracting me from my truth.
Yesterday was just another example of how rough those waves of grief can get during times of uncertainty. These are waves my sisters and I have been riding for years, but it never seems to gets any easier, even if we are stronger.
I did realize something while in the tub today …
That my anxiety is attached to unexpressed emotion, which is an indicator that I’m thinking as a way of avoiding how I’m truly feeling in the present moment. The biggest obstacle I need to overcome is myself, which is why I sometimes need to sit with myself. It takes courage to acknowledge, own and share my darkest truths. I share my darkness in the hope that you will see beyond, to the light that I truly am ✨
“She is the type of woman who needs alone time. She feels deep, she thinks even deeper. Her alone time allows her to figure out her mood, where her energy is and how to take each step in life.” (Sylvester McNutt)
This is the type of woman I am, but despite all the blissful solitude posts, alone time isn’t always easy. Because there is less distraction, I can’t avoid myself and sometimes I don’t want to BE alone with myself. I’ve been diving in deep for many years, but those dives can take me to some pretty dark places. I was alone in a dark place last night and I made the experience worse by drinking whiskey.
The conscious woman is mindful of her choices, but she doesn’t always choose well, or perhaps her choices are a little more conscious than she realizes?
It wasn’t just one thing that tipped me over the edge last night, it was (3) experiences. And I’m learning to appreciate that it’s no coincidence that the power of (3) keeps showing up in my life.
First, I had a doctor’s appointment with our GP for a referral to a breast clinic. Dr Di has been our family doctor since we emigrated to Australia in 1991, so seeing her triggered me. Not only the cancer journey with our beloved parents, but she is also a link to my wounded 17 year old self. The parts of me I’ve been consciously bringing back in, to feel and heal so I can BEcome whole again.
Second, my sisters and I went to the solicitors to sign the last of the paperwork. Although all (3) of us agree that not keeping Yam is the right thing for us to do, it doesn’t make it any easier to let it go. Yam is the home our beloved parents built on the foundations they choose for our life in Australia. It’s the place we have all gathered together to make the memories we now cherish. A home that holds so much history for the Fletcher family. It’s the (3rd) significant loss we’ve been preparing ourselves for, but in all honesty, we can never really prepare ourselves for how we’re gonna feel.
Third, we started to take the final step in laying a difficult chapter to rest, which is putting our parent’s ashes together in the cemetery. Although my sisters and I go through the motions together, we ride our own waves of grief alone.
Last night I felt groundless and I spiralled into the depths of my despair. I was drowning in the stormy sea of loss, while being tossed around by the waves of uncertainty. Truth is, its difficult to stay fully present in the moments when we are letting go of the past, and surrendering to an unknown future. For me, I visualize it as being completely alone in a boat on calm open waters. I’m holding a lamp, but its dark and foggy so I can only see a few metres in front of me. I’ve lost sight of the shore and have no idea what lies ahead of me. So, all I can do is stay calm, drift and trust I’m heading in the right direction.
Those are the times I fear being alone the most, because when I’m lost in the dark I struggle to see the light and need to dig deep to feel the love that I am. These are the times I desperately want to be found and need to be rescued, but often find myself alone. Staying fully present with this kinda solitude is challenging because it demands faith in what cannot be seen. This is when fear can and does distort my thought process, which is why I can relate to those with mental illness who have taken their own lives. Although it’s my own personal experience, its in this place I also feel deeply connected to those living souls who are lost in the dark, consumed by fear.
I understand this as the collective unconsciousness
The global pandemic has triggered many souls to reassess their life choices. To dive in to explore their inner realms and experience the dark night of their soul, which is why there is so much more fear to be felt. Alas, not everyone can see beyond the health crisis and political chaos because not everyone needs to. We each have an important role to play during these uncertain times of change.
As I consciously dive in deeper to myself and connect with the collective, I know there is purpose. Although I trust the process (even when I don’t always understand it), its not always easy to sit amongst the shadows. It’s not all about love and light for a light worker, we are invited to explore the darker realms to shine a light on our shadow. These are the battles I must fight alone and although I know spirit is always guiding me, I’m still afraid the darkness will consume me.
In all honesty, I feel a little uncomfortable sharing my truth because not everyone will understand my process or my journey.
In (3) weeks I return the Jucy camper van, so I’m contemplating my next move.
Although Heaven is a wonderful place to BE in solitude, my gypsy soul is feeling restless and I need to wander. I acknowledge that I don’t want to settle in a community of women because my mind, body and spirit desires more. I want to share my life with a man I can grow with. I want to explore and have experiences with someone. I want to find the place that feels right for us to lay our foundations. I want to create the kinda memories our family and friends will cherish long after I’m gone. And I want to do the work that feels right for me to do. So I’m taking the steps towards fulfilling my heart’s desire.