Keeping it real

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Today, I’m having a bed/sofa day because I don’t have the energy to hike, nor the interest to explore. I just needed to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings. To feel my sadness and acknowledge the burden of my worry and fear.

Yes, I’m having a wonderful adventure here in Perth and V gives the best hugs, but no matter where I am or who I’m with, I still want and need time alone. To process my thoughts, release my emotions and balance my energy.

I have no intentions of avoiding myself. So, I’m well aware that I’m still riding waves of grief, reliving difficult memories, and navigating an uncertain future on a road less travelled. And I have no shame in admitting that some days I struggle. Although I share smiley photos of the beautiful places I go to, I’m still processing challenging experiences, feeling emotions as they flow and adjusting to what is.

Truth is, I often break down on my hikes, but I don’t always share the details because most of my tensions, conflicts and challenges involve other people. So I focus on sharing my process rather than the details of my struggles.

Maybe the juicier stuff will be written and shared, as part of my story in the books I plan on writing ? Perhaps it will just fuel the story ?

Everyday another trigger presents itself.

This morning I recieved a message from a friend with good intentions, telling me about a live in job, caring for someone with cancer who is palliative. I don’t think many people realize just how challenging it was to care for our parent’s end of life. Even I wasn’t prepared for the trauma I experienced, which is something I still struggle with. We didn’t just loose our parents to cancer, we granted their last wishes, which was to care for them at home. Yes, it was a privelage but it was the hardest thing we have ever done … and we did it twice 💔💔

That kind of thing changes you, which is why I have less tolerance for some things and more passion for other things. I know that my path is changing, but my direction isn’t yet known.

No matter how strong my faith is, no matter how many times spirit connects with me, no matter how much I reframe things, I still can’t seem to shake myself free from the past. I’m not really OK with this, but it is my truth.

The challenges I’ve confronted over the last 3 years and the experiences I’ve had have changed me. In many ways I’m not the same woman I once was, which influences upon all of my relationships and friendships. In some ways I’m softer and in other ways I’m harder. 

My family and I feel our sadness, but we don’t dwell in our sorrow, because our parents would want us to keep living, but that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. I can’t speak for everyone, but some days irrational thoughts consume me, challenging memories haunt me and the rise and fall of emotions overwhelm me.

I’m well aware that Anxiety and Depression are common companions of grief, which is why I dive in to explore my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve sat with depression many times, to better understand its presence in my life. It usually shows up when I’ve lost someone or am failing at something. So, I’ve learned to appreciate my need to rest and dive in deeper to my inner most thoughts and feelings. To honour my truth and identify what I’m still holding onto.

But I have a more challenging relationship with anxiety. I don’t really welcome it so warmly because I want to live a life of love, not fear.

My first experience with anxiety was at my Granda’s funeral, back in 2000. This is when I began to suffer from panic attacks, and over the years I began to realize that anxiety was connected to my fears and worrys.

So, again it’s about being honest with myself.

What am I afraid of ?
What am I worrying about ?
What am I holding onto ?

To be honest, at this point in my life, I’m less afraid of being alone and more afraid of not being true to myself. I’m worried about John’s surgery on Friday and about our kids. I’m holding onto the belief that we can be friends with an ex. Although we might be friendly, I’m realizing that I’ve lost the friendship I had with the men I was once in relationship with.

I notice how I feel more anxious whenever I’m feeling more vulnerable …

Vulnerability IS speaking our truth with honesty, which exposes us to the possibility of being criticized, judged, misunderstood and rejected.

Yup, the more honestly I express myself, the more challenging my interactions become. No matter how much I tell myself, that someone else’s choices has nothing to do with me, it still doesn’t stop my feelings from being hurt.

I notice how my vulnerability heightens my sensitivity, which then triggers my anxiety.

Anxiety has many faces …

Sometimes I articulate my anxiety with words
Sometimes I overreact, withdraw or shut down
Sometimes I drown it with booze to numb it
Sometimes I soothe it with food to comfort it
Sometimes I walk or hike alone with it

Today, I watched a movie “Into the Wild” which both inspired and triggered me. So, I had a long hot shower and released my tears. Then I wrote this, which I decided to share with you. And now I’m gonna pour myself a big glass of wine, prepare myself a plate of yummys and watch an uplifting movie, so I won’t be a miserable cow when V gets home from work.

Yup, I still have my sense of humour

Embracing all that I am

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Today, I’m thinking about those who are drowning and struggling to stay afloat. Those who are sitting in dark spaces feeling lost and alone. Those who are suffering from their loss. Those who are confronted with challenges and facing obstacles. Those who are living the fear in their hearts. Those who have lost all hope.

I want you to know that I see YOU ❤

Sometimes I’m tempted to close my facebook account. Sometimes I need to stay open and connect with you, but I want to shut down and disconnect. Sometimes the oversharer can’t fully express what’s really on her mind and in her heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing in life. Sometimes I feel so fucking lost inside of myself. Sometimes I want to be seen and need to be found. Sometimes I feel so very alone with my struggles. Sometimes I regret looking back into the past because it hurts so damn much. Sometimes I’m scared to look too far into the future because I’m afraid of what could happen. Sometimes the present doesn’t feel like a gift. Sometimes I can’t look away from the suffering in the world because I’m suffering too. Sometimes I’m lost in the sorrows of life. Sometimes I don’t want to see how happy everyone else is or how well they are doing. Sometimes I struggle to celebrate life because I’m overwhelmed and unimpressed with living.

Sometimes I wonder what’s the fucking point?

Fortunately these are only my sometimes.

On the flip side …

I LOVE life. ALL of it, even the struggles. I know how my thoughts can become distorted and irrational, so I thank fuck for my insight. I’m also grateful for the wonderfuls, that prevent me from drowning in my misery. Yup, shit sure does happen, but our self pity only digs a much bigger pit that we can’t get out of. Learning to observe our thoughts and emotions without attaching to them, is a habit worth cultivating.

But it does make me wonder …

How many other people are sharing the smile, that masks their struggles? How many others are faking it till they make it? How many others aren’t talking openly about their “sometimes.”

Sometimes I’m not OK … and that’s OK ❤

Although I’m blessed with love, I still feel the sting of disappointment when a relationship or a friendship doesn’t flow as I had hoped.

Although I believe in seasons, reasons and lifetimes, I still feel the pain of a lesson learned

Although I’m grateful for the time I had with my parents and my friend, I still feel the ache in my heart from the devastation of my loss.

Although I will cherish the many precious memories we made together, I still feel gutted that our time was cut short because there was still so much that I, they and we wanted to do.

Although I believe that life’s too complicated to just end, I still feel angry that my parents and friend had to go through what they did. And I still struggle with those not so great memories.

Although my faith is strong, I still feel kinda lost without my parents and I miss my friend.

Sometimes I just have to be honest with myself

Everyday my facebook memories take me back   to past experiences. An accumulation of the good and the bad times that is my life. To the ups and downs that is my story. Although I’ve endured many heart breaking losses over the years, the hardest by far is our parents cancer diagnosis, and the end of life challenges that my sisters and I confronted. To be honest I relive those moments most days, so don’t need the reminder. As the memories pop up it’s like a count down to your worst nightmare. Each day taking us closer to the worst times of our life.

Why must we relive those shitful moments?
Why must we grieve over and over again?
Why must we feel our pain with such intensity?
Why must we remember things so vividly?
Why must we be reminded what we once had?
Why must we keep thinking about the loss?

No matter what we do or how we think, there’s no denying this truth. And why would we? It’s part of our story and although our past doesn’t define us, it definitely does shape us into the person we are today. So, I accept the memories as they resurface, observe the thought when it pops into my mind and I allow the emotions to rise and fall. Knowing that this too shall pass.

Everyday I’m triggered by something that reminds me, that I am healing. So I try my best to be as honest as I can in my interactions.

Everyday there’s another tension, conflict or concern that challenges me. So, I remind myself that life itself is a wonderful adventure.

As I accept and share my “sometimes” I also embrace my shadow. Shining a light onto the vulnerable parts of myself that I usually hide so well. Knowing that true beauty comes from the heart of who we are, and I want to love it all.

I no longer need to hide my flaws, failures and faults. Because I’m not only healing my own personal woundings, I’m learning how to love and appreciate our past. Every uncomfortable memory that has challenged me, is being seen and felt for what it truly is. So that every moment can be lived as fully as it can be.

I’m learning that …

Healing is balancing our own energy, which is influenced by how we think and feel about ourselves, which is influenced by our past.

As I share my process, I want to lean into my inner tensions with a little more honesty ❤

Full Moon in Pisces

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This FULL MOON in Pisces has been difficult for many of us, for different reasons …

No doubt, some of you are assuming I’m riding waves of grief and my struggle is with LOSS.

But GRIEF isn’t my only fight …

My struggle is with LIFE and my battle is with the PAST and the hold it has on me. My mind has been racing out of control this morning. I’m recognizing patterns and cycles. Feeling a little confused and conflicted, which is why I’m better off alone. Because whenever I do share, I seem to feel so very misunderstood. I need something but I don’t really know what the fuck it is. I’m feeling so many things at once. I need someone to help me make sense of all this, but I know that someone is ME.

Sometimes it seriously feels like I’m literally going out of my mind. I wish the monestary would reply, God knows I need it. Either that or a fucking straight jacket cos my mind’s racing with all kindsa stuff. I never cope well with massive downloads of information all at once. Yet when it comes, it always seems to come so fast and so much of it at once. I suppose that’s because I keep insisting on pushing my limits.

Anyhoo …

I’ve had a rough few days, so thought I’d see what the star gazers are sharing in their news feeds. After reading Tanishka’s Full Moon in Pisces post, maybe I “shudda” read it earlier, to avoid the misery and despair I suffered? Then again, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt the depths of those things if I had read it? Maybe I’m reading it at the right time because everything is as it should BE?

These last few days, I’ve been compelled to dive IN to my Mam’s thoughts and feelings. I’ve read journal after journal. Reliving the past and some not so good memories from Mam’s perspective. At times it kinda felt like a trainwreck I just couldn’t look away from.

As if that hasn’t been challenging enough in itself, I also recieved more bad news. Ironically it involves a male Piscean from my past, present and future (The Father of my kids).

I’m learning more about how the past has and does influence what’s happening NOW, and how the present impacts on what will and can happen in the future. This stuff matters to me because I care about how MY actions, both conscious and unconscious influences others. Specifically MY cubs and our future generations.

     PAST  🔁 PRESENT 🔁 FUTURE

This is the bridge that creates a connection in my mind, to drift between a variety of realities. To what was, what IS and what could BE.

So, what is the lesson of Pisces?

“It’s the most sensitive of all the signs, so it’s an energy that will heighten our sensitivities. It will increase our awareness of what needs to be healed in our psyche. When operating in shadow (unconscious) we drink, we seek to escape uncertainty through co-dependancy, we seek to escape from reality with fantasy and meditation. But when we operate consciously, then we will seek to heal our core wound, like the parable of The Fisher King”

Fuck !!!!

I failed to hear the King Fishers message the other day at the mountain. I failed to honour my own thoughts and feelings this full moon, by focusing on Mam’s instead. I failed to respond consciuosly because I drank far too much whiskey. And I failed to learn another fucking lesson … yet I don’t feel like a failure.

Why ???

Because there is NO right or wrong choice. We learn from ALL of our experiences. Each choice increasing our awareness of self and other.

This FULL MOON I was “taken deep into the murky depths of old past pain” (both my own and my Mothers). I consciously dove in to the messiness of Mam’s mind and willingly felt the heaviness of her heart. And I unconsciously responded in shadow, which is a pattern and cycle I’m ready, willing and able to SEE and therefore RELEASE, with the support of the divine energy of this Piscean FULL MOON.

As I read through Tanishka’s post, I got goosy bumps when I reached the last paragraph …

” Like the Frog Prince who goes to the bottom of the pond to retrieve the golden sphere of light and break the enchantment, he is unlovable. If we don’t believe we are loveable at the deepest level (because we haven’t faced the one who cast the spell) we won’t escape rejection; Or other tales of distorted perception like The Ugly Duckling or The Lion who Thought he was a Lamb that echoes rejection of the divine self who’s not truly seen and understood by those in their tribe of origin. These illustrate the futility of trying to be seen and understood by those unwilling to look within and see their greatness by exploring what makes them unique. Instead, they scapegoat those who are, mocking that which they don’t understand ”

A frog leaped across the fence the other night. I took a photo. Although I didn’t know what, I knew it was significant because he/she was sitting above the frog statue Mam bought me.

Perhaps I’m not so fucking crazy afterall 🤔

This is for my witch bitches

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Happy Friday 13th witches ✌😍

I recall the very first time I watched The Wizard of Oz. It was at junior school in the hall on a big projector screen. I recall the excitement I felt when the film turned into colour. Not everyone had colour televisions at this point. It was one of my favourite movies, until my cubs started watching it over and over again as littlies, then I became sick of it (they obviously loved it too).

Anyhoo …

The reason I’m sharing this is because movies, stories and history shapes our beliefs. For too long people have had this idea of witches being an evil pagan presence. That a witch is either good or bad, white or black, dark or light.

W(h)itch is total BULL SHIT 🤣

What if I told you that a witch is a WOMAN in tune, connected, balanced, healing and whole.

Would YOU believe me ?

A woman who is WHOLE, embraces, embodies and expresses ALL that she IS …

She’s the High Priestess who has fallen in love with the life within herself. She’s the Wild Woman who has the heart of a Warrior. She’s a Force of Nature, flowing with the seasons and elements. She’s the Mother who nurtues. She’s the Banshee who wails and screams in the face of grief, without shame.  She’s the Goddess from the stars, flowing with Universal energies. She’s the Wounded who feels her growing pains. She’s the Siren who seduces with the promise of pleasure. She’s the Medicine Woman with her own special kinda magic to share. She’s the Sha(wo)man drifting between worlds, creating a bridge between realities. She’s the Creator of her own life and she’s the Heroine of her own story.

Do you recognize her within YOU ?

The witch is just a WOMAN and she is YOU ❤ She’s neither good nor bad, white nor black, dark nor light. She’s ALL of those things and EVERYTHING inbetween. She’s glorious in her chaos and beautiful with her complexity and contradictions. She’s magnificent when she’s messy and divine when she’s breaking open 💔

Today, I felt called to remind YOU and I needed to also remind my messy self🌟

Seeking support for my soul

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I’m reflecting over the reike and card reading I had yesterday …

I was in dire need of some assistance with an energy cleanse and balance. I decided not to tell her anymore than that, because I wanted to ensure that spirit was guiding her. She suggested doing reike before reading the cards, to ensure I was in equilibrium. So from the get go she recognized my needs. Laying on the table, I focused on surrendering to the process and my breath, while she began to clear my chakra centres.

As energy shifted, I experienced the odd sharp pain in my back, under the shoulder blades, which I attributed to the grief in my lungs. I felt the usual heaviness in my head, and as expected, waves of emotion released from my heart. Uncontrollable waves of energy that made my face quiver, like an ugly cry. My eyes rolled and my body trembled, but only a single tear fell from my eye, which I thought was odd.

Afterwards she said I had alot of dark energy around my thighs, legs and feet. It wasn’t negative but it was a void. As if I was refinding my sense of security and in search of my tribe. She cried, when she told me that my heart chakra was open and almost crystalized, and one of the purest she had ever experienced. She recognized that I’m usually able to clear and balance my own energies, but understood it was too heavy for me to clear and balance alone.

Yup, she was guided by spirit ❤

Although I had been preparing my heart for Christie’s transition, the confirmation of her death threw my soul into a state of despair. And I’ve already acknowledged how our parents death, has shaken my foundations and it triggers my yearning for external support.

Having told her nothing about my inner conflicts, I was confident the cards would now offer the clarify I seeked.

A card flew out while I shuffled, so we set it aside. It was a dark, but receptive “feminine energy” card, that reflected my need to retreat into the void, to balance and heal. To be in a place that enables me to work with my divine Goddess power. Affirming that I’ll know when its time to come back into the bigger world.

She suggested, while Moon was in her darkest phase, to draw upon the stars. To leave a glass of water outside, asking it to be infused with star energy, then drink it when I wake. Having had many reincarnations, she said this will help my soul receive what it needs to bring the past and present together.

Yup, the work I’m doing in my nest 🌟

The first card she drew was the “inner child” reaffirming my need to nurture and express this part of myself. Clarifying how my creative flow will benefit from this energy. To release myself from high expectations and create from a place of joy. This is how I’ll write from my highest self and serve the Greater Good, which will support others and attract my tribe.

She drew two fire cards next, that represented my passion and rebirth. A willpower card, that represented my ability to uplift others and empower their power centres. But she clarified a need to strengthen my own solar plexus, so I can stand more confidently in my knowings.

Hence my need to retreat into my cave

The Lapis Lazuli card was drawn in my relationship sector. I was intuitively drawn to this crystal afew days ago. It helps to access higher realms of understanding, which I felt I needed. She affirmed my ability to see the path that others take, but clarified a need to stay true to my own path.

The courage card was in the communication aspect, which reinforced my need to have the courage to take my writing to another level. She got goosybumps when she spoke about this, which we both knew was a good sign from spirit. Clarifying my need to heal and PLAY, so that I can create from a place of joy and healing.

My message from spirit was a fire sign and new beginning. Although unsure how it will evolve, it clarified a connection I was feeling.

She talked about the reprogramming of the software in my mind. And I got goosybumps because it’s the process I’ve been trusting …

To break free from the limitations of my mind, which is our cultural conditioning, that creates the collective conscience. To BE more fully in my heart space, so I can FREE the spirit and connect with Source energy. This is my understanding of our spiritual awakenings.

Yes ❤ Yes ❤ Yes ❤ Yes ❤

The final card she drew in the centre was the Moldavite, which represented transformation. She said the changes I’m going through aren’t small because this was a storm card.

Major life changes !!!

After the reading we spoke about how to strengthen the bridge between our hemispheres. How our soul seeks to deepen understandings, broaden perspectives, increase awareness and expand consciousness for the Greater Good. I was glad I went because I came out feeling a little less conflicted and a little more certain of myself.

Grateful for the support I received ❤

To dance with love, we must also ride the waves of loss

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It’s with a heavy heart I write this …

I’m having my cuppa at my sister’s home this morning, listening to the rain while everyone is sleeping (I’m feeling the urge to go stand in the rain to cleanse). Keza brought me here last night because it was a tough day. I recieved the message I’d been waiting for, but dreading.

“The life support was being turned off”

So, I was given the opportunity to see my friend, which I’m eternally grateful for, because I needed to touch her warm body one last time. She passed away peacefully yesterday avo. Although we talked openly about death and both have faith. Although I believe her spirit has been drifting between worlds since last week. Although I sensed her presence when the “locked” shower door flew open last Wednesday. Although I’ve noticed the black crow/raven frequently crossing my path. Although she visits me in my dreams. Although   her love and support continue as a spirit guide.

My heart breaks 💔

She was more than a friend, she’s my soul sister. I feel the heaviness of my loss, but my heart understands the hurt in her family’s heart. Although unafraid to die and accepting of the cards she had been dealt, like our Mam, she didn’t want to leave her beloved children. She has 4 gorgeous kids, all under 25 yrs old. And 2 beautiful Grandchildren, whom she adored.

It’s times like this, I struggle to wrap my head around the BIGGER purpose and meaning of life. Although death isn’t the end and our soul is on a journey, there’s so much loss to bare.

Not only have I lost our parents and a best mate, within the space of 3 years. We’ve also lost our Nana, a cousin and an Aunt. Then there are our Family friends who have lost their parents too. And several family and friends who are still on the battle field with cancer.

I drank afew whiskeys last night, which is never the answer, but meditation wasn’t easing my racing thoughts and overwhelming emotions.

My light’s a little dull at the moment and my heart feels heavy. So, I’m booked in for a reike and card reading session this morning. To help balance my energy and give a little clarity.

To those reading this with a heavy heart

I LOVE YOU ❤

Van life …

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I’m getting used to settling into bed early and rising with the birds, which seems to better suit me. It’s nice to be flowing with my natural body clock, which has been one of my dreams in life.

Another dream was to live a simple life, in a cozy little space, where I could focus more intently on my writings. I imagined my days to be filled with writing, meditating and drinking whiskey in the evenings. Although it’s not quite what I had expected, I am doing just that.

I wonder if my other dreams are unfolding ?

My sleep was restless last night because I was drifting in and out of dreams. The kinda dream we keep waking from, but return to. The details are foggy this morning. I was on a trip, but for the life of me, I can’t recall who I was with me. I do recall moving between colours of all things. The colours red and green were prominent, which represent the base chakra (our inner wild woman) and the heart chakra (our inner Earth Empress). They also represent STOP and GO.

In my dream I recall moving through these colours to find meaning. As I did flickers of gold began to create beautiful geometrical shapes within the colours. I kinda felt like a spider weaving a web within creation itself.

This morning I woke feeling a little confused by it all. I wondered if the new stones I bought yesterday had anything to do with it ?

Cherry Quartz – Heart chakra (green). A female stone and healer of emotional wounds.

Lapis Lazuli – Opens both our 3rd eye (higher consciousness) and our Throat chakra (communication). Enlightenment of dreams.

Fire Agate – Fires up the Base chakra (red). Security and Safety. Grounding and Supportive. Returns harm back to Source.

Hmmmmm 🤔

I’m keen to get stuck into some work. Today I plan on working with the heart chakra, which is connected to the Goddess Demeter. An archetype that involves our relationships with our Mother (inner crone) and our Daughter (inner maiden). Even though my Mam is in spirit, our relationship still influences my life.

It’s time to dive a little deeper into the Collective Conscience, and how the Mother wound subconsciously affects us.

As I read through my Mam’s journals, the gap between us that often caused conflict is closing. We had a very close relationship, but we challenged each other. My life’s choices often caused my poor Mother so much worry, which made me feel like the “bad daughter.” It was difficult for Mam (and me) to understand why I did what I did and felt how I felt. Fortunately, she knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. But isn’t it funny, how you think you can’t possibly love someone anymore than you already do. Only to find yourself falling deeper in love with them. That’s how I feel as I read Mam’s journals ❤

I wonder how my daughter and sons will feel reading through mine when I’m gone? I was talking about that the other day with Jods.

Another wonderful synchronicity involved my son yesterday. Before CJ picked me up I was reading an entry from Christmas 1978. Mam was telling us, she bought Dad an identification bracelet. When CJ and I were at Yam, he picked up the little ceramic pot, that Uncle Bryan had made for Mam. Inside it was Dads bracelet and a little bracelet that was mine as a little girl.

Spirit keeps touching my life in wonderful ways such as this. Reminding me that death isn’t the end. Nudging me to share the magic with YOU.

Anyhoo, have a GREAT day y’all ✌😍