The voices inside of my head

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Our thoughts can often become a huge headache and at times drive us completely out of our minds, turn us upside down, make us feel stir crazy and drive us completely bonkers

Our beautiful minds have the ability to take us all there … You and Me

Which is why learning to understand how our brain functions and processes information is an essential part of our change and growth because our thoughts DO shape our reality

  I’m truly fascinated by the mind. Its a wonderful complex structure that’s constantly firing off signals to the rest of our body, which influences every part of our lived experience. And just as a car needs to undergo regular maintenance, so does our brain

What do we eat and drink ?

How much sleep and rest do we have ?

What company do we keep ?

How much physical activity and exercise do we do ?

What habits do we maintain ?

It all impacts on how our brain functions and processes. I often compare our brain to a computer because it works so much in the same way. Our mind also needing to reboot the hard drive (beliefs) and upgrade the software (thoughts)

Why ?

Because new experiences continue to alter how we perceive and understand our world and ourselves

Although I am a woman who flows with the ebbs and flow of the moon. I am also a woman of logic and reason, which is why I put just as much time and effort into observing my thoughts as I do flowing with my feelings

I love my brain … seriously I do ❤

But I dont believe everything she thinks is truth … at least not MY truth

She really is quite brilliant and there’s still so much potential to be unleashed from her, but quite honestly, sometimes what she thinks is total utter NONSENSE

Sorting out the truth from the nonsense can be an uncomfortable and time consuming process, but it can also be very interesting and at times quite amusing

Have you ever wondered where our thoughts come from ?

I have … of course ☺ and the more I observe my thoughts, the more interesting the voices in my head become

No, I am not suffering from a personality disorder, but I can totally appreciate how those voices could quite easily become the monsters in our head. And I have the utmost compassion for those who suffer from debilitating mental health disorders, which is what motivates me to explore the mind so deeply

Ignorance isn’t always so blissful, especially for those who are suffering from symptoms of depression and anxiety. So, the more we understand how our brain ticks, the more we can support positive change in our own and someone elses life

Lets talk about the voices inside of my head

A voice has something to say about this very blog I am writing now

She says …

“People are gonna read this and think, who the hell are you to help someone, when you’re so fucked up yourself, you’re hearing voices in your head woman” !!!

Hmmmm valid point she raises … I suppose

But who is she ?

She is my beautiful EGO ❤

We learned all about the different aspects of our human psyche in psychology, which was a very interesting journey to be sure. Freud was a brilliant thinker, neurologist and the father of psychoanalysis, who takes us deep inside of our consciousness

Allow me to introduce you to ID, EGO and SUPEREGO

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So, objectively speaking we ALL have 3 voices inside of our heads

Our ID is the “YES man” or the voice of our inner child… shes our most primal self, shes impulsive and she seeks to increase pleasure and decrease tension. She focuses primarily on her own needs, with little regard of others. Shes the one who drives all of those wonderful bad habits we have, but shes also the GO getter and the get things DONE woman

Our SUPEREGO is the “NO man” or the voice of our mother … shes our moral grounding, shaped by our social conditioning. She tries to control the impulsive nature of ID by offering the opinion of what is believed to be right and wrong. Shes a bit of a party pooper, but she also maintains a sense of order in our lives

Our EGO is our “MIDDLE man” or the voice of our inner critic … shes our self regulator, compromising between the needs of ID and the social expectations of SUPEREGO. Shes the thinking, feeling and willing aspects of how we experience and react to the outside world. Shes primarily driven by fear, often holding us back, but she serves to protect us

But what about the other voices ?

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The voice of our INTUITION … “a phenomenon of the mind, describing the ability to acquire knowledge without inference or the use of reason”

The voice of our SPIRIT GUIDES … “incorporeal beings that are assigned to us before we are born that help nudge and guide us through life. Responsible for helping us fulfill the spiritual contract we make with ourselves before we incarnate”

The voice of our FAITH … and whether we name it as God, Buddha, Allah, Nature or Universe, they all refer to the same source of creation and being

With so many voices talking inside of our heads, its no wonder that our thoughts can sometimes drive us completely out of our minds

How the fuck do we determine who is who ?

It would be so much easier if they all spoke in different accents (wink)

But … WHAT IF going out of our mind helps us to fall into our hearts ?

WHAT IF our thoughts drive us out of our minds so that we can tap into the voice of intuition, spirit guides and faith more easily ?

Hmmmmm … she ponders

 

She’s neither here nor there

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A woman of extremes,

either all in or completely out.

Keeps finding herself dwelling in the spaces of in-between.

At the cross roads.

Somewhere she’s never been comfortable being.

 A place of apprehension where she feels uncertain of her direction.

Unsure of her next move,

she ponders

Roll the dice ?

Luck of the draw ?

Play her cards ?

Leave it to chance ?

she wonders

Is she playing the game of life ?

(or)

is she being played ?

The more life doesn’t go to plan or has hoped,

the more she wonders if her destiny is written in the stars ?

Universe guiding her towards a future that she cant yet see.

The road less traveled keeps calling to her,

but its an unfamiliar path without sign posts.

All she has to rely on are her choices,

and a sense of knowing.

That her soul is being called home.

But to where ?

to what ?

to who ?

She doesn’t yet know

So,

there she stands at the crossroads.

In the space of in-between,

guided by blind faith and a hopeful heart.

Believing in her dreams,

and trusting the unfolding.

Mindful interaction

Here I am … lost inside of myself

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Shes living life on her own terms

In a state of conflict between what is and what will be

Turning up each day … not completely dressed

Moving through the motions … not fully arriving

As the clock keeps ticking … her body plays out the roles & responsibilities expected of her, while her heart continues to beat to another rhythm

Her mind lags behind and her heart races forwards, while her soul stays forever present … as if time has the ability to stand still

Mocking her … because time just keeps on ticking

She invites in lovers  who offer some temporary relief from herself

The comfort of a warm embrace …

is a place of refuge in between the spaces of silence

But as soon as she is alone again … the call of silence becomes louder

Unable to avoid the shadow that beckons her, she wanders through the darkness …
but she isn’t lost

Shes exploring the depths of herself. Parts that are waiting to be found, begging to be acknowledged and longing to be loved

Shadows of the past and memories of yesterday that still linger

Choices that were made and consequences not yet free from

Was the loss worth the gain ?

Is the possibility of a gain worth the loss ?

Right or wrong

Life is held together by an accumulation of the choices that we make

And whether we choose to walk away, go back or stand still …

… life will keep on passing us by

It won’t wait for us to catch up

Some choices present to change our life completely …

but only IF we allow it to

So … she sits with the resistance

She wants to RUN towards the calling of her heart

but …

Pride holds her back and

Fear keeps her still

She wants to JUMP into the life she imagines

but …

Doubt restricts and

Guilt imprisons her

So … she stands in the silence … lost deep inside of herself

… waiting to be found

 

 

Allow the downs to transform you

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It takes courage to love ourselves, which is why its easier to focus on loving someone else

Maybe that’s why my heart was suddenly pulled back towards you ?

Right now … I’m sitting in some emotional funk

Revelations have popped up into my consciousness that bring new insights

Insights that serve to transform me … but into what ?

This doesn’t feel like an awakening … it feels more like the damn quickening !!!

A cellular rush

A molecular miracle

A strange, yet wonderful feeling …

Of being fully aware of the changes occurring inside of my body and mind

As if actually feeling the deconstruction of an old belief system and the reconstruction of a new paradigm ?

Bizarre !!!

 Consciously aware of the thoughts that are running at high speed in my mind, as my ego frantically tries to make sense of the new information … but its like Ive left the computer running and just walked out of the room

Consciously aware of the feeling of unrest that keeps my heart in a constant state of anxiety, as my heart excitedly contracts and opens up to receive more love … but its like Ive left the engine running and just vacated the vehicle

As if observing myself from a safer distance

Maybe … its just another form of AVOIDANCE ?

Or perhaps … I’m relaxing into a state of BEING ?

As I relax into the space and choose to flow with whatever may surface …

all I can do is WAIT

No need to explain, rationalize, justify or even understand

Just allowing me to simply describe it … is enough ❤

 

Writing my way home ❤

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Writing has always been a form of expression and release for me. Words having the power to refocus, heal and transform my life, which is why Ive always journalized my thoughts and feelings. And why I decided to share my writing experience in these blogs.

I recently started an online writing course, which is hoped to help me get out of my head and drop into my heart space, with a little less resistance. To a place where I will confront and overcome any fears, beliefs and doubts that are blocking my fullest and truest expression, where I will hopefully find and deepen my sacred writing voice.

Well … its certainly taking me to the heart of it

Write about your first soulful romantic encounter … was the question that prompted my full moon release and kick started the chain of events that followed that night. I thought that releasing my hurts with love and light would set my heart free. I thought I would feel less tension and conflict. I thought I was content with my choices. I thought I was ready to let go without any apprehensions

Hmmmmmmm … I thought wrong

Scorpio full moon was all about endings, rebirth, renewal, soul mates, deep emotion, secrets and shadows rising, transformation, desires, sex, lust, jealousy, trust, abandonment and BIG CHANGE !!!

Since the release Ive been experiencing an even stronger feeling of unrest than before. A feeling that brings me great discomfort. A feeling that’s forcing me deeper and deeper into myself. To a place I know I need to sit and move beyond. I know I need to listen to what lies beneath the silence … but the silence scares me.

Instead, I fell back into old habitual behaviours that scream AVOIDANCE !!!

But … what am I avoiding ?

I’m avoiding MYSELF

Instead of sitting with the discomfort I indulged in alcohol, which reduces my clarity of mind and therefore my ability to mentally process. I indulged in the affections of a new lover, which brings me out of those uncomfortable feelings in my heart and into the physical pleasures of my body, which reduces my ability to fully express my truth. I indulged in TV rather than reading and writing, which escapes my own lived reality.

Hmmmmmm … we are beautiful creatures of habit, aren’t we ?

But, even though I still automatically fall back into avoidance during the tensions of change and transformation, I’m now fully aware that I’m actually doing it. And its that sense of awareness that reflects some change and growth, which is reassuring, because there are times when I doubt if I’m actually learning anything of value or sharing anything of importance.

Oh yes … self doubt at its finest

It seems that my intentions to surrender and release have brought me to a truth Ive been avoiding. A sudden realization that I’ve been avoiding living my dreams out of fear. The fear of following my heart continues to hold me back from myself.

I had so many plans … to move away, to find those parts of myself that are missing, to explore a part of the world my heart still yearns for, to travel, to experience my life to the fullest and to write about the journey as it flowed.

But the moment I decided to give up on love because it wasn’t flowing the way I wanted it to, was the moment that all my plans were thrown into a box and hidden under the bed.

When my heart broke, my dreams were once again shattered into pieces too.

But signs have been coming at me hard and fast, which is getting harder and harder to avoid or deny. I acknowledge that Ive been ignoring the pull of my heart and calling of my dreams out of fear of confronting more hurt. But ongoing tension and conflict reflects how my mind and heart are still not in alignment

My heart still wants to RUN and JUMP … but my mind shouts STOP !!!

What if it doesn’t work out?
What if I fail ?
What if life becomes harder ?

Ive worked so damn hard to be able to support myself as an independent woman and to feel like I dont need to rely on anyone else. I live in paradise, have a beautiful home, a secure job, loving and supportive family and friends, opportunities and possibilities.

I have it all … yet I still feel restless ?

A restlessness that continues to pull me away from everything I have …

But, for what ?

for the adventure ? … for the experience ? … for love ?

So … I make a conscious decision to try and sit with myself. To allow the thoughts to come and to go. To allow the emotions to come and to go. To release the hurt and the tears. To feel the fear and the anxieties. To suspend the judgements. To stay completely present with what ever it is that arises from within me.

WHY am I so afraid of being alone, if it brings me closer to myself ?

I want to be true to myself. I want to follow my heart. I want to trust my instincts. I want to surrender to my destiny. But I’m afraid to let go completely because I dont want to throw away my life for something I may never find.

Perhaps … that IS the journey back to myself ?

Full moon is a time of release … so LET IT GO

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The more truth we speak …
The more emotion we release …
The more thoughts we refocus …
The more love we give …
The more acceptance we find …
The more we let go …
… and the more we can just BE ♡

I wrote those words and took that picture 1 year ago today. My smile hides the hurt, but my eyes express the truth. My words have a softness about them, but I was conflicted with feelings of deep despair, gut wrenching sadness and a fury that raged in silence. Feelings I wasn’t quite ready to put into words because they were still buried deep inside of me … waiting to be found

My heart was battered and it was bruised

After many years of being single post divorce and trying to move on from a complicated love connection with a man from my past, I finally decided to let love completely in again. Sharing 18 months of my life with a man I wanted so desperately to love. A man who took me to places within myself that I had never experienced before. First opening my eyes to childlike wonders and a life of possibility, then leading me into the shadows

To a dark place where he left me, alone … so I left

During the healing process of moving on, the man who still had a hold of my heart reconnected with me. Both of us refusing to let go of the “what if” and the “if only,” which took us on yet another bumpy ride. But the truth was, he still wasn’t ready to live his truth out loud. My heart couldn’t bare the secrets and lies nor feeling like the other woman in his life any longer … so I let go

It felt like part of my heart had been ripped out from my chest because I still loved him, deeply, and I probably always will. But in the process of my heart break, I made a conscious decision to keep my heart open in the only way I knew how … going back online to date other men

I wasn’t on the playground long before I realized that casual sex and meaningless conversation with multiple men wasn’t enough for me anymore. So I choose a lover from Paris … oh a la la !!!

We experienced wonders like never before. Our energies intertwined like two long lost lovers from other times. His from a world far beyond the stars and mine from a dimension long ago. We were both caught up in a whirlwind of magic that deflected away from the reality of what was. But ongoing tensions and conflicts eventually brought the truth to light … he was also a married man !!!

The universe has a way of guiding us towards those who reflect back our own truth. Because the truth was … every tension and conflict between Frenchy and I, brought up unexpressed emotions and unresolved conversations with the married man I still love. Slaps of truth that hurt as they surfaced from deep inside of my heart

Truths that dislodged the thorn that was burrowed down deep

So … tonight as I gaze upon the glorious full moon rising. I write 4 names onto paper. Men who have broken my heart open to loving myself. And as the paper burns, I kiss each one gently and send him love and light. Thanking each one for the part they played in my journey

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Today, I feel the surrender and RELEASE 

I refuse to buy into the sacrificial compromise of marriage

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The sanctity of marriage is supposed to be a sacred and safe space for 2 people to grow in love together. But we continue to see high rates of divorce and people living by principles based on outdated belief systems, which is causing higher rates of unhappiness …

So, I asked myself WHY ? … and did a little self reflection and research

A BRIEF HISTORY of Marriage in the Western Culture

  • Marriage had very little importance in pre-historic times. Coupling was based on a biological desire to survive. According to historians, during the Stone Age, marriage became a way of controlling sexual behavior and providing a more stable structure for child rearing. 
  • During the Dark Ages marriage was primarily based on alliances made for economic gain and protecting family bloodlines. The church power and influence became strong, which led to the creation of a legal document, based on customs that gave more power and control to men.
  • Love had very little to do with marriage until the 17th Century, when “enlightened” thinkers pioneered the idea that life was about the pursuit of happiness. This led us towards divorce because people wanted to experience more happiness, so they took control over their love life.
  • The concept of marriage changed dramatically during the 20th Century, with thanks to the Women’s Movement. Pioneers who fought for equal rights, a fight that continues today for same sex marriages. But as more women come into their own power, more men are struggling with their own sense of self, which is having a negative impact on relationships. 
  • The 21st Century relationship has become even more challenging. The empowerment of women and technological advancement provides more choice and opportunity. Our world has opened up and we are connecting, reconnecting and disconnecting in ways unlike before.

We are hearing more and more about the “awakening”, which is a shift in consciousness that pioneers the idea of oneness. A spiritual belief that focuses on our connection rather than our separateness. This is the beginning of yet another important turning point in our evolution, which is influencing our experiences and changing life as we know it.

Acknowledging how our behavior, thoughts, feelings and beliefs are shaped by our social and cultural conditioning is essential for our spiritual growth. A process of clearing away the old to make way for the new. Dropping the ego and living from our hearts, which is changing how we experience the relationship with ourselves and may alter our perception of marriage in the future. Perhaps the sacredness of marriage will be truly embraced ? 

“Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” … 1 Corinthians 7: 1-40

A statement the wreaks of shame and guilt, based on a belief that our bodies do not belong to us. One of the reasons why I refuse to identify as being a religious woman and instead choose to live a life based on spirituality. A personal choice that has caused me many internal conflicts over the years, as my belief system undergoes the challenging process of deconstruction and reconstruction.

A rebooting of the mind

I was married to a man I loved very much for 11 years, but we grew apart as life took us in different directions. As a divorced woman Ive experienced the ups and downs of being single for almost 10 years. During which time Ive been deceived by many men who struggled with their own truth. I loved and lived with a man for a short time and I fell in love with a man from my past, who lived in an unhappy marriage. So, I believe I offer some valuable insights into this topic of conversation because over the years Ive had many in depth conversations, with both men and women who feel bound to stay in unhappy marriages, due to a sense of loyalty to their family, a need for financial security or a fear of change.

I have the utmost respect for marriage and in truth I am a little envious of those in loving relationships. I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, but its time to wake up to the bullshit we’ve been spoon fed for far too many years. Its time to drop the fucking shame and guilt about choosing to love ourselves first. It’s time to drop the preconceived notion that being married reflects that we are being more responsible in matters of love. Because the truth is some of us are doing it a damn site better as single men and women.

I was raised to believe that marriage and relationships are about love, respect, loyalty, commitment and honesty, which I still do believe. But I was also raised to believe that compromising our needs is an important aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. A belief that kept me in a space of hurt for far longer than needed because my love of self became secondary to the relationship. But I no longer buy into the sacrificial compromise of marriage. I refuse to compromise my own needs until I become invisible, because that’s what it means to be considered a “good” woman, wife, lover, partner or girlfriend.

Yup… in other lifetimes I was one of those witches burned or drowned for flowing with the magic of nature and believing in universal energies. I’m probably considered to be one of those fiery sorts who has too many questions, challenges the status quo, refuses to conform and says fuck a lot. I am a wild woman, who is more in touch with my flow than ever before, unashamed of my passions and desires. I choose to experience life completely and express myself fully, regardless of what others think or have to say. I am slowly awakening to my truth and learning how to truly love myself, without validation from anyone else. And regardless of how many times I confront hurt, failure, rejection or dissappointment, I still believe that love is indeed, an extraordinary and beautiful thing to be cherished between a man and a woman.

The truth is … our world needs people like both you and me. Because those who are resistive to change provide us with a sense of stability that our world needs, while others challenge the norms and inspire the changes needed to ensure that we all progress, move forward and evolve into our fullest potential.