I’m feeling a lack of authenticity because I wasn’t smiling when I posted “Keep smiling”

So, why did I post it ?

I posted it because I noticed how our smiles were the same. I posted it because no matter what Mam kept smiling. I posted it because no matter what I also keep smiling.

But I also keep it real !!!

I don’t want to impress by sharing only on the positives. I want to inspire you with the truth. I don’t want to comfort you with half truths. I want to challenge you to love the negatives.

Because if we’re truly embracing our TODAYS then we are living and loving ALL of it !!!

Although I believe that Mam is with us in spirit, I still flow with the waves of my grief. Although I trust the process of change, I sometimes struggle with the flow. Although I respond to the whisperings of my soul, I sometimes feel challenged. Although I follow my heart, I’m still balancing my energy and healing my wounds.

For me, writing is part of my healing process. I write to make sense of my world. I write to express and explore my inner most thoughts and feelings. I write to connect with myself and others. I write because I’m called to write.

So, how am I really feeling tonight ?

Tonight I’m not feeling as strong as I seem.

This contract has it’s challenges, as they all do, but I’m also flowing with memories as they pop up. Inbetween the professional, I acknowledge the personal. So, on my breaks, I write because it helps me to process my experiences.

As a sharer, I feel it’s important to be authentic with my offerings, so I drop the mask.

This afternoon, my insides were unsettled and I’ve been cramping. My periods are coming but they haven’t yet arrived. A hot bath usually soothes, but tonight the heat only increased my discomfort. So much so, that I had to get out.

Laying on the bathroom floor, I felt the blood flowing rapidly through my body. As I lay there I was aware of my life force pulsating, but my heart was pumping blood way too fast, so I focused on my breath. As I lay on the cold hard floor, a thought flowed through my mind.

I thought about Mam’s life force leaving her body, cold and lifeless. A thought that brought sadness to the surface. As I cried, I rolled into the foetal position and allowed myself to feel.

In that moment I felt far from strong.

In truth, I needed Dave. I wanted to feel the comfort of his presence, but we are apart and I’m missing him. To be honest, although I share my thoughts and feelings openly, I still struggle with my sense of vulnerability in relationship.

This is the kinda stuff I usually journal, but every now and then, I’m called to share my inner most thoughts and feelings because someone somewhere needs to read it. To know that they’re not alone in their struggle. Perhaps I share so I don’t feel so alone in mine?

As my body flows with the energy of Universe, I feel a deeper sense of connection and a stronger sense of purpose. I don’t fully understand but I trust the process and surrender to the flow. Knowing that all will be known in divine time. Until then, I allow my thoughts and emotions to rise and fall without resistance … and FEEL ❤

Today, is another significant day for my family. This time last year it was Mam’s funeral. I’m sorry to say that it wasn’t the celebration of life that she deserved. Alas, it wasn’t possible for us to celebrate her life when our hearts were so heavy with loss. Most of our family and alot of Mam’s friends live in the UK, so there were alot of people missing that day. We did the best we could, but it was far from easy.

Most of all we missed Mam’s ability to turn a funeral into a cause for celebration. You see, Mam had a gift of bringing love and laughter to any and all situations. She had an energy that infected the room with smiles. She had the ability to lighten the darkest of moods. Those of you who knew Mam know what I’m talking about. She was a blessing to our lives because she really was some kinda wonderful, which is why she’s missed by so many of you.

But I feel it important to remind you all, that she isn’t missing from our lives. Although I flow with waves of grief, having lost the physical presence of my beloved Mother, I still feel her.

Although I miss being able to talk with my Mam, our conversations continue. Although I miss my Mam’s hugs, I still feel the warmth of her love. Although I miss my Mam’s physical presence, her spirit is still here, there and everywhere. Although I miss my Mam, I focus on what’s changed, rather than what’s missing.

Today, is a significant day for someone else too. My cousin lost her beloved daughter the year before we lost Mam. A synchronicity that captures my attention. I’ve been writing about conversations with spirit. This morning I wrote my first outline for a book and spoke with my collegue about it. Having lost her beloved Dad some years ago, she resonated with my words.

Today, I read Mam’s words in my facebook memories and I share them with you. Truth is, Mam and I have always challenged each other. She continues to challenge me in spirit, and no doubt she still wants to censor me at times 🤣

Both of us unafraid to express and share our truth. Having had different life experiences we learned from each other, but she was my role model in life. She continues to teach me in spirit and I’m so very grateful for her presence.

Today, I got caught in the rain. As others were covered in hoods, huddled under umbrellas and hurrying for undercover, I took my time. As the rain poured down onto me, I laughed because the rain felt so damn good on my skin. I smiled because the joy in my heart made me feel happy to be alive.

Today, one year later, I still cry when I gaze upon your photos and read your words, but my heart feels able to celebrate you more than mourn you. I believe that death isn’t the end, it’s just another beginning. So I embrace TODAY

I love you ALWAYS and FOREVER ❤

Still feels like a bad dream to wake up from 😞

Perhaps that’s the point ? Maybe loosing someone awakens us to deeper truths ? Perhaps the purpose of loss is to learn the truth of unconditional love ? Maybe death comes to teach us how to overcome our sense of being seperate from each other ? Perhaps the gift is to connect us to spirit and Source ?

What if we didn’t fear death ?
What if we didn’t suffer loss ?

Are my questions foolish ?
Are my wonderings radical ?
Are my curiosities pointless ?

Do my questions make you think ?
Do my wonderings make you wonder ?
Do my curiosities make you curious ?

I hope so ❤