I’m feeling a lack of authenticity because I wasn’t smiling when I posted “Keep smiling”
So, why did I post it ?
I posted it because I noticed how our smiles were the same. I posted it because no matter what Mam kept smiling. I posted it because no matter what I also keep smiling.
But I also keep it real !!!
I don’t want to impress by sharing only on the positives. I want to inspire you with the truth. I don’t want to comfort you with half truths. I want to challenge you to love the negatives.
Because if we’re truly embracing our TODAYS then we are living and loving ALL of it !!!
Although I believe that Mam is with us in spirit, I still flow with the waves of my grief. Although I trust the process of change, I sometimes struggle with the flow. Although I respond to the whisperings of my soul, I sometimes feel challenged. Although I follow my heart, I’m still balancing my energy and healing my wounds.
For me, writing is part of my healing process. I write to make sense of my world. I write to express and explore my inner most thoughts and feelings. I write to connect with myself and others. I write because I’m called to write.
So, how am I really feeling tonight ?
Tonight I’m not feeling as strong as I seem.
This contract has it’s challenges, as they all do, but I’m also flowing with memories as they pop up. Inbetween the professional, I acknowledge the personal. So, on my breaks, I write because it helps me to process my experiences.
As a sharer, I feel it’s important to be authentic with my offerings, so I drop the mask.
This afternoon, my insides were unsettled and I’ve been cramping. My periods are coming but they haven’t yet arrived. A hot bath usually soothes, but tonight the heat only increased my discomfort. So much so, that I had to get out.
Laying on the bathroom floor, I felt the blood flowing rapidly through my body. As I lay there I was aware of my life force pulsating, but my heart was pumping blood way too fast, so I focused on my breath. As I lay on the cold hard floor, a thought flowed through my mind.
I thought about Mam’s life force leaving her body, cold and lifeless. A thought that brought sadness to the surface. As I cried, I rolled into the foetal position and allowed myself to feel.
In that moment I felt far from strong.
In truth, I needed Dave. I wanted to feel the comfort of his presence, but we are apart and I’m missing him. To be honest, although I share my thoughts and feelings openly, I still struggle with my sense of vulnerability in relationship.
This is the kinda stuff I usually journal, but every now and then, I’m called to share my inner most thoughts and feelings because someone somewhere needs to read it. To know that they’re not alone in their struggle. Perhaps I share so I don’t feel so alone in mine?
As my body flows with the energy of Universe, I feel a deeper sense of connection and a stronger sense of purpose. I don’t fully understand but I trust the process and surrender to the flow. Knowing that all will be known in divine time. Until then, I allow my thoughts and emotions to rise and fall without resistance … and FEEL ❤