An unlikey romance

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If anyone had told me that a bicycle could change my life … I would have laughed

Yet, here I am in a budding new romance with my bike and its changing my life

Week 2 of my “changing habits” comes to an end and I can honestly say that I never imagined that it would have unfolded in the way it has

I bought a bike …

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No big deal …

I just wanted to get to work quicker because I decided to get rid of my car

Part of my ” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

At 42 years old Ive had enough of feeling fat. Ive had enough of the comfort eating excuse. Ive had enough of hearing the reasons why I cant do something. Ive had enough of bills bogging me down and Ive had enough of holding myself back

ENOUGH is ENOUGH !!!!

  So, in an effort to change that, I made a different choice …

  Letting my car go and buying a bike seemed logical because it will help me to save money and get fit … sounds FABULOUS to me

However, the first few days have been anything BUT fabulous !!!

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” A picture is worth a thousand words “

Isn’t it just … my face after my first ride to work says it all

Thank fook it was dark !!!

I was wobbling all over the place like a tipsy driver because of the weight in the basket, but once I got my balance all was well … until I hit the first downward slope. I recall zooming down hills as a youngster feeling invigorated by the speed and wind in my hair. But as a wobbly overweight middle aged woman I was bloody terrified !!!

Then came the upward slope, which was no better. Even the tiniest of incline felt like I was peddling through sand. I tried to stand up and pedal but got the wobbles, so had to get off and push the damn thing … hence why they call it a “push bike” I suppose

The entire way there I was thinking to myself WTF am I doing ?

I had been enjoying my walks last week and with a change in thinking, was actually starting to feel kinda fabulous. But there I was in the bathroom at work, looking in the mirror and I wanted to cry because I felt and looked every bit of FAT and UNFIT

I wanted to GIVE UP !!!

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The next day I got back on it … and the next day … and the next day

Regardless of how hard it was. Regardless of how foolish I felt. Regardless of how tragic I looked. Regardless of how disgracefully I did it … I got back on

On my first day off I decided to get up and out at 4am and try out a more flatter and longer distance (around 15km return trip). Mostly because its cooler and there are less people around, so Id feel a little less self conscious. And for the first time all week I was actually starting to enjoy the ride. Mind you when I dismounted my legs were so wobbly that I almost fell onto the ground, my bum was numb and my vagina felt like I had participated in a 24 hour orgy …

but I felt like I had accomplished something

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So, although its been a very bumpy start to the week, with a little persistence it turned out to be something kinda wonderful

After 2 weeks I’m noticing a few changes that I’m very happy with

  • I can already see a change in my body shape
  • I’m starting to feel muscles forming in my legs and bum
  • My clothes are starting to fit better
  • My mind is clearer and thoughts more positive
  • I have more energy
  • I’m making better choices with my food
  • I’m drinking more water
  • My libido has hit an all time high

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Yesterday was a day of bike riding

Today I shall be climbing a mountain with friends

Tomorrow … who knows what inspirations it will bring

I look forward to sharing the adventures awaiting to be had in week 3 of my

” GET FIT and FABULOUS at FORTY ” quest

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Honour thyself

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How wonderful it will be to raise children who don’t need to peel away layers of bullshit to find their inner knowing …

As we begin to unfold our own stories and expose our truths, we begin to lead the way for our own children to do the same …

Diving deeper into our own sense of self, the layers of false truths that once defined and confined us begin to crumble away …

Time and space begins to take on new meaning as we travel from past, present and future to what was, what is and what can be …

As the shadows rise to the surface and we confront our demons, the less we fear the darkness because it’s no longer our enemy …

Both light and dark dance together like lost lovers, with a deeper understanding and sense of gratitude for one another …

Our heart is the inner compass that guides us towards our fate, so hush now and allow yourself to fall into the abyss of love …

The brilliance of our minds and the power of thought becomes an expansive arena of possibilities, as we tap into our full potential …

Honour thyself ♡

Tonights FULL moon …

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Just a little quicky about tonight’s full moon …

The moon controls our oceans and tides and human bodies are over 50% water, so its no surprise that the moon has a strong influence on our emotions

I just love the energy that swirls around a full moon and I’m very excited after reading a little about our Full Moon in Leo as Mercury is finishing Retrograde

This month is all about our creative self expression, love life and passions. Its about being the shining star that we are born to be

During Mercury in Retrograde some of us were given the PUSH we needed to help us make the necessary changes to create the life we want

Hearing from a past love and my car breaking down were my kick starters

What was yours ?

“When synthesizing the energy of the full moon in Leo with Mercury square to Uranus in Aries, we may be seeking freedom and independence in how we express ourselves creatively and authentically in our work. Or want to make significant changes or liberate ourselves from confining or controlling circumstances in either our careers or structures so we can align ourselves with what we enjoy and care about, and where our creative potential can shine best” (Carmen Di Luccio)

If you’re aligning with any of that, then this is when we start to get excited, because our energies are in sync with the universe and so its the right time to CREATE …

Reflect over …

What is your passion and hearts desire?

Where and how do you shine the brightest in your life?

What are the things you need to do that will help you to achieve your goals?

What changes need to be made in your life that will better support you to be successful?

How does your authenticity and creative expression better serve the greater good?

Enjoy your evening … I know I will

(っ”)っ ♥ ☆★☆♥

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Changing habits …

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This is a blog about “breaking the habitz” so lets talk about my effort to change one of mine. Its been my intention to shed the added kilos, get fit and feel healthier for YEARS. It feels like a battle Ive had FOREVER. And just when I thought I finally had a handle on it, the handle fell off and I was back to square one again. Life has a way of knocking us down … but what matters most is getting back up again

How did I get started ? … well, Ive been procrastinating on it for a while now but the start wasn’t entirely my own doing. I did need a little help to kick start my motivation. My car has been dying a slow death and I haven’t had the funds to fix it. So when it broke down for a 2nd time this month, I had choices …

  • I could pick up more nursing shifts and run myself down
  • I could go into more debt and stress myself out more
  • I could explore other ways to bring in the money flow
  • I could be without a car and save money and be more active

Not really a hard decision to make … is it ?

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Deciding to get rid of my car and walk to/from work has been my starting point. Its not particularly hard at around 2.5km if I walk the short way and around 5km if I take the scenic route, but getting started can sometimes be an effort …

So, I asked myself … How can I make it a little easier on myself ?

Ive figured out a way to reduce the “OMG I can’t be bothered” thoughts impacting on my motivation too much during nursing night shifts … being organized before my nap has been essential. That way I can literally jump out of bed to the alarm, get dressed and walk out the door before my mind wakes up enough to start thinking. Once I’m out and moving, the body is already in motion and all is good … its working well for me.

Its on the way home after a long night when my body is tired, that I’m aware of how the mind tries to pull me back. I’m slow and I’m weak and so I’m vulnerable. As other walkers keep passing me by thoughts like “hurry up fatso” and “why are you even bothering” or “its too hard, so lets just give up” pop into my mind. I don’t talk like that to anyone else, so WTF am I talking to myself like that ?

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My negative thoughts impact on how I feel, which then reduces my motivation and gives me a bad attitude. I look down more, I smile less and I feel disconnected from other people.

The mind can be our worst enemy as we try to reprogram and change our habits. So its important to observe what we are thinking, then we can make a conscious decision to interrupt the negative thought process.

For me walking home the scenic way helps to flip the thoughts over to “no need to rush Tracey, enjoy the beauty” and “the more you do this the faster your pace will get, so just enjoy the process.” … which makes a HUGE difference to how I feel. I look up and smile more. I make eye contact with people who are passing by, we share our good mornings and I feel a sense of connection.

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Its only early days, but like any new habit the first week is generally the most challenging. So I’m looking forward to sharing my progress next week.

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Be the stronger woman …

Be the stronger woman …

Even though the stronger woman knows that her heart needs time to accept the truth, when its over she is DONE. She knows that focusing on her own self helps her to regain the balance she needs to move her forward into new directions

The stronger woman will always hold love in her heart for someone she once shared love with because it never goes away, nor should it. But shes not the kinda woman who will beg you to stay. She won’t manipulate your emotions and she will never wish you bad karma

The stronger woman walks away because she will never settle for less than and she doesn’t want you to either. She will rise above the blame and take responsibility for her own choices and her forgiving heart will forever defend your choices

The stronger woman doesn’t want a love that holds her down and she will never hold you back. She wants to experience the liberation and exhilaration’s of love. She isn’t afraid to spread her wings and fly alone, nor does she fear jumping into the arms of love

She hopes that her love will set you free

The stronger woman is more interested in sorting out her own messy mind than trying to mess with yours …

I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the lessons I’m learning in love

I hope you do too ♡

Heed the call …

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 “The mountains are calling and I must go” (John Muir)

 I often hear the call of the mountain when my heart and mind are in conflict,
She calls to me because it’s the place I feel closest to my truest self

Walking the winding paths that lead deeper into the heart of the mountain …
… there is no escape from my truth

During the climb the truth of who I am surfaces with each and every step,
Conflicts between my past, present and future self …
What was …
What is …
What will be ?

But she understands my internal conflict and welcomes me to share with her

Sweat and tears flow and fall onto her surface …
… she challenges me to surrender to my truest and deepest feelings

My mood changes as my energy shifts …
… she accepts the shadows that linger behind me with love

I push my way through self doubt, fear and anxieties …
… she supports me as I process messy thoughts and release heavy emotion

I move past uncertainties and apprehensions …
… she encourages me to drop out of mind and step into heart space

I feel the love where my energy becomes one with spirit
Perspective that is forever changing as I get closer and closer towards her peak

Then, I reach the top … where the air is clean and the view is expansive
An overwhelming sense of endless space and limitless time
My mind is clear and my heart is open

I am balanced
We are ONE

The liberations of truth …

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Trusting this process without hanging on is how we flow with change, which isn’t always easy. Especially when someone else is involved and especially when it means walking away from something or someone we thought we wanted

The liberation of truth is the process of freeing ourselves from someone elses control or freeing someone else from our control

My recent blog about letting go of a past love caused a reaction with my current lover, which then woke me up to my own truth. A lover who also claims to love me deeply, yet also loves me with limitations and restrictions based on his situation and choices. Although I wasn’t aware of his situation in its entirety until he eventually shared his truth some months later, I still chose to maintain our intimate connection and was settling for less than what I truly wanted and deserved

In truth, the tensions began niggling at me early on but I trusted what he told me more than I trusted those niggles of tension. Even when others voiced those niggles out loud, I didn’t really listen … WHY ? … because I believed I was getting what I wanted, which was an extraordinary energy connection that was blowing my entire being wide open

Being the kinda woman who will always explore something that she has never experienced before, I told myself that although he wasn’t able to give me everything I wanted, I didn’t really see a future with him anyways, so it was OK. I told myself that so long as we were both being open and honest with each other, then it was OK

Hmmmmm … how easy it is to lie to ourselves

Our tensions increase conflict, which are ALWAYS valuable opportunities to hopefully communicate our truths and increase understandings. However, not everyone can appreciate that and so we must also acknowledge when to say enough is enough

But how do we know when enough is enough ?

How do we say it in a loving way ?

How do we walk away from someone knowing how much our departure is hurting them ?

We listen to those niggles and we share our truth, however difficult it is

We acknowledge that our tensions and discomforts are communicating an internal conflict, which if ignored will only cause us unnecessary suffering

Yes, it takes courage to walk away and let go of those somethings and someones that we once wanted, but YOU are worth it. Yes, we still feel the experience of loss, but YOU can do it. Yes, we may endure those emotional messages or painful silences from the ones we are hurting, but YOU can change it …  

In the past I would reply to the begs and pleadings because I hate hurting someone I love and care for (I still do) but it only prolongs both of our suffering. When its time for a reason or season to end, I want so desperately to come to a sense of closure that leaves both of our hearts still in a space of love, instead of hurt. In the past I would become consumed by our pain and struggle to accept the truth, which would continually pull me back into the fantasy of what was, instead of allowing us both to accept the reality and move forward. I would then lose all sense of control over my emotions and become consumed by the hurt, which would set off all those self defenses that projected anger, disappointment and frustration

SELF destruction mode then being activated … BOOM !!!

A place that holds very little space for love because its motivated by the fear of letting go. A place where conflict thrives and suffering persists 

But the lesson has been learned 

So, its easier … right ?

Not entirely, because it still takes courage to express our truth, knowing that it hurts both ourselves and someone else. It still takes strength to walk away from something we want, knowing its not what we need. It still takes acceptance to flow with our own feelings and so it can still get messy because we are not perfect and we are all learning as we go

Trust the process of liberation and step into freedom

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When the past comes knocking

I’ve never really given Mercury in retrograde much thought in the past because although I’m a self-confessed moon gazer, I’m far from being an avid astrology follower. But I’m beginning to wonder more and more about how the universal energies are able to have such a profound impact on our energy and experiences

Mercury in retrograde is here until January 25th. Its a time of confusion, delays and yes, MORE reflection. Its a time that will pull us back into our shadow self, where we tend to react more from our needs, hurts and triggers, with a focus on others more than ourselves. Therefore, it provides us with a valuable opportunity to become more consciously aware and hopefully step into our heart space where we can be more aligned with spirit

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Sounds very much like finding our calm in the midst of the storm of change doesn’t it ?

Hmmmm … she ponders ?

With some recent positive energetic shifts and a change of direction I started to feel like I was finally healing my heart and getting my shit together …

Then BAM !!!! … it hit me like a freaking freight train. “Ding Ding” went the viber bell and there it was …

“the past knocking on my door”

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I only have myself to blame because a little over a week ago I made a mindless wish to hear from him on my birthday, which I did …

WHY did I invite him back into my life ? Was I looking for closure or am I still hanging on ?

“Hi, how are you?” …………………. I paused and asked myself,

Does he really want an honest answer?
Do I really want to give him an honest answer?
Do I want him to know that I’m still healing the wounds?
Do I tell him that life for me is just fine and dandy?
Do I want him to know that he still has a hold on my heart?
Do I tell him that I’m doing OK?
Do I ignore it?
Do I wait a few days before responding?
Do I reply back at all?
Do I really want to reopen communication?
Do I block him?

I found myself in a sudden state of anxiety, unsure what the fuck I should DO?

So, I took a deep breath and got OUT of my head and dropped down INTO my heart

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I answered truthfully, but it got a little messy because with the reopening of communication I also began to feel my heart tighten as emotions flowed through feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, sadness and before I knew it I was crying …

Fuck you Mercury in freaking retrograde !!!

Is it really necessary to bring me back to this place to prove to myself that I do want to let go and move forwards? … Haven’t we already spent hours, days, weeks, months even years going over this same shit !!!

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The following few days I was in a state of disarray and confusion. Although the contents of his messages were brief and even “nice”, I was conflicted. So, not wanting to repeat past mistakes by falling into old patterns, I shut down communication as quickly as possible

But then the darkness began to consume me. I spent the rest of the day and night in my bed, wrapped up in my sadness and suffering. My energy and motivation disappeared and I just wanted to sleep. I felt myself pulling back, seeking isolation, I didn’t want to process it, I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to express it, I didn’t want to feel it …

SHUT DOWN mode was activated

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In the past this is the time I begin to experience a state of depression and fall into my old habits of coping; smoking, drinking, eating, sleeping, promiscuity

ANYTHING to numb the pain

ANYTHING to avoid confronting the truth about myself …

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… and hence the HEALING and our long journeys BACK to ourselves

My wise mother, knowing me only too well came to my side to offer her love and support. During our conversations I realized that I’ve been moving forward with every memory, every tear and every hurt. Even my last email asking him to let me go, reflected a sense of blame for him holding me back and there was obviously fragments of hope left in my heart. I wasn’t accepting responsibility and I was still giving my heart away

So, what do you do when the past comes knocking?

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Its obviously not as easy as making the choice to walk away, saying out loud that we want to let it go, writing down the words that come from our messy minds and hurting hearts and burning the notes with good intentions of moving the fuck on !!! … so WHAT else prevents us from leaving our pasts behind  ?

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In the romanticized fantasy world that I often live in, I open the door, greet with a smile, we reminisce over wonderful times and then we either continue on our merry separate paths, wishing one another love, light and happiness OR he tells me that he can no longer live without me, that he loves me and wants to explore a life with me

Wakey fucking wakey Tracey !!!

The reality was … standing at the door was the same man, in the same situation, doing the same things, holding the same bunch of “if onlys”, the very same man I fell in love with

but WHY was he standing there? and WHAT did he want?

Perhaps he was holding onto the same old story I was ?

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Sometimes we hang onto our seasons and reasons far longer than we should because our hearts hope for the lifetime … but the truth is WE are our lifetime and so our own hearts should matter most ♡

Sometimes we hold onto the hurt because when the love no longer connects us, our hurts do … but the truth is our hearts are holding onto false hopes that keep us locked in our own suffering and eternal damnation ♡

When love hurts our heart, then we are holding onto something or someone that isn’t meant for us … but the truth is WE sometimes struggle to accept this truth ♡

Letting go isn’t something we just DO, its a process we must go through … but the truth is our closure can only come once WE loosen our grip with fantasy and accept our reality

And with the simple acknowledgment that I was still holding onto OUR STORY, instead of accepting that we shared a wonderful chapter …

I reclaim my heart, my choice, my power and my life  ❤

The Illusionary Visionary

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I’m feeling a little exposed and quite vulnerable at the moment because what I thought I was doing is not what Ive actually BEEN doing, in more than one area of my life

Illusionary visionary … Yup that’s ME !!!

I hope that my musings offer a piece of my heart to those who are also moving through their own process of change. So feeling a little braver after the publication of my first submission to Elephant Journal, I took another risk and submitted my latest blog on “Living with Love” … and it was REJECTED

Stung a little because it tugged at the “I’m not good enough” strings.
But after the initial sting I reread the email and was extremely grateful for the valuable feedback they willingly offered. My blog was too scattered and covered too many topics at once with not enough depth, which kinda reflects my head space to be honest …
They also asked … is your writing Emotionalism ?

At first glance it sounds like a positive thing because I like to think that I DO write with emotion. However, it’s NOT a good thing for a writer because although writing with heart involves our emotions, TOO much of self can offer a sense of “Look at me”, which separates instead of connects
Ouch !!! … another sting

Yes, I was one of those kids and some would argue that I’m still one of those adults, but its neither my motivation nor intention for writing. I want my words to come from an open heart, sharing my experiences with intentions to support others as they also move forward through the discomforts of their own changes

Massive FAILURE !!!

I really wanted to hear another “we love your work” response, not “you’re not quite there yet” … but part of the journey is the breaking down of old ways of being and doing, to become something new, which can be totally terrifying … yet also kinda exhilarating !!!

I consider constructive criticism to be a mighty stroke of luck because it reflects an offering of support and guidance on our journey, so I’m taking it all on board gratefully and reflecting over the feedback

Improving my writing and counseling skills is my motivation and I want my blog to reflect that learning process, hence why I’m sharing this experience with you

So … I’ve now learned that the difference between emotionalism and catharsis is GENEROSITY … which is about opening up our hearts and offering the suffering instead of using the suffering as the motivating factor

Hmmmmm ?
How do I offer it ?
How DO I get MORE real ?

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“what the writer least wants to share is what the world is bleeding to hear”
Hmmmmm ?
So, some questions to sit with are …

What DOES the world want to hear ?
How can I offer that to my readers ?
Is there a common, clear theme in my writing ?
Does it inspire the reader ?
Can the reader benefit from what I share in some way ?

So … this is where I ask YOU the reader to feedback on ANY of those questions

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Living with L.O.V.E

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I’ve been fortunate over the years to have met many delightful men
Blessed to have been loved by some wonderful hearts
And privileged to have fallen in love with some beautiful souls
Men who have all loved me far more than I had ever truly loved myself
Men who loved me far more than they were also loving themselves
And for that I am so very grateful ♥

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My journey has never been about hating men … and never will be
Because I’m forever grateful for any love I experience and share
My heart has led me down some wonderful paths and I’ve had some extraordinary experiences
Paths that I never regret walking and experiences I never regret having
My path has always been about the journey … learning HOW to love ♥

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When I think about my heart aches and broken hearts
Its only during the aftermath of emotion …
can I appreciate the experience in its entirety
Only once the loss has been acknowledged and the grief expressed …
do I realize that it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own heart ♥

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trust the journey

I’m a woman who chooses to live a more conscious life
A choice that continually challenges and changes me
A way of living that isn’t for everyone
The men I have loved have also tried to become more conscious …
We both did, but unfortunately we were destined to fail
Because they didn’t actively choose to live a conscious life
Each of them feared the necessary uncomfortable changes that accompany the awakening process
Whether it was fear of growth, vulnerability or the change itself…
Fear started to trump our experience of L.O.V.E ♥

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Tensions and conflicts have always arisen with my need for MORE …
More honesty, more truth, more openness, more intimacy, more time
My need for more causing feelings of frustration
Neither one of us feeling like we were ENOUGH
Both of us hanging onto fragments of love, unwilling to completely let go
I believe that the men I have loved, still love me ♥
Not because I’m egotistical, but because my heart loved them so fiercely
Perhaps, I challenged the way we both had experienced love in the past?
Maybe, I brought us out of our comfort zones, offering a taste of something that we both craved?

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It’s not easy to hold onto a woman like me
Because I’m driven to experience ALL that life has to offer
Ive never doubted the love of any man who has declared his love for me
But to love a woman like me, he must also love the journey
And the journey of love is fraught with hurt, loss and discomfort
Experiences that break our hearts open for an important purpose ♥

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Others have criticized and judged who, why and how I have loved
Criticisms that often made me feel like the love I was feeling was wrong
Judgements that caused my heart more anguish than was necessary
But each and every criticism and judgement are also important aspects of the journey towards living a life of L.O.V.E
For, if we choose to listen to the opinions of others, then we ignore the truth in our own hearts ♥

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Yesterday, I shared an intense experience with my lover

During our love making in the light of day
Our naked bodies exposed and entwined in full goddess and godly glory
I kept my eyes wide open … and I witnessed the love ♥

During our heart to heart conversations
Our shame and guilt cast aside
I gazed deep into his eyes … and I witnessed the love ♥

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Those of us who choose to walk the path less traveled, with intentions to become more consciously awake … will always challenge what IS
Our desire to explore and experiment with love will often confuse those who misunderstand us …

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But its through our experiences that we WITNESS the LOVE
Each of us are OPENING and GROWING in love in different ways
So, just because MY truth is different to YOURS … doesn’t mean that my experience of love isn’t TRUE ♥

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Suspend judgement … extend LOVE ♥

5th APRIL post feeling it in my bones

If Ive already met, connected with, loved and been loved by so many beautiful, wonderful and amazing men
Imagine … the experiences of love I am still yet destined for ♥