Learning how to love ourselves, I mean TRULY love ourselves is one of our biggest challenges in life. It’s certainly one of mine. Sure, I might say the words and want to make the changes, but until I FREE myself from a limited belief, then the patterns and cycles persist. And that’s why I decided to start this blog in the first place. To reflect, write and share my process of change.
Recently I’ve been asking myself …
Do my actions reflect self love?
Do my choices honour my truth?
Do my decisions serve my highest good?
I question myself often because sometimes my choices and actions are questionable 🤔
Self love covers a wide range of topics, but today I wanna talk about how we feel about our body. Sadly, some of us hate our body so much, we’re unable to look upon it without self loathing. Some of us dislike our body and struggle to feel comfortable in our own skin. And some of us don’t like a certain part of our body, wishing we could somehow change it.
HOW do I feel about my body ?
Well, the relationship I have with my body is a work in progress. You see, I don’t always feel comfortable or confident in my skin, while other times I feel like a sexy Goddess. I’ve never hated my body, but I don’t always like it. My body is far from perfect, yet I love it. And like many of us, I have my insecurities about how my body looks. My biggesest being my breasts, which is why I wanted to change them … but why ?
Ever since I was a young woman I haven’t been happy with my breasts. I was a late developer, so my breasts didn’t ripen until I was in my late teens. I envied my big breasted friends and felt less attractive because I didn’t have the same beautiful bouncy cleavage. As an older and supposedly wiser woman, I still find myself comparing my breasts to other women. And often wonder how I can appreciate the beauty of another woman’s imperfections, yet struggle to love my own? Over the years a combination of genetics, pregnancy, breast feeding, hormones and weight fluctuations have contributed to my breast shape, size and nipple alignment.
In all honesty I’m quite content with the size, shape and even the sag of my breasts. I love their soft fleshiness, but I’m dis-contented with the nipple alignment. For years I’ve wanted to be able to afford the operation to “fix” them. To make them “right” so I can feel more confident in my skin. Only afew weeks ago I wrote about how I wanted to “liberate” my nipples.
Is cutting my nipples off how I liberate them? Is risking their death worth realigning them? Is changing my breasts how I love them more?
Although I’ve wanted to change my breasts for years, I was in two minds about going ahead with the op. An inner conflict that created disruption to the flow, which began with an early morning text message from the Doctor. Telling me she had a cancellation, so did I want to jump the queue and have the op today?
Part of me wanted to say YES, but I listened to another voice that said NO. The voice from my guts that is my intuition. She didn’t check her notes, forgotting she advised me to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon. An appointment I was going to the next day. So it didn’t feel right to rush into it before seeing him. Turns out this was the right thing to do, because he suggested a different incision to encourage blood flow and reduce the risk of nipple necrosis. Even with the risk of loosing my nipples, I decided to confirm the op. Only to be told she had gone on unexpected leave.
Universe trying to tell me something ?
I was a little annoyed if I’m honest because I really did “think” I wanted the surgery. However, I’ve come to realize that not everything we want is right for us, which is WHY it’s so very important to question what we think.
After several conversations and lotsa self reflection, I’ve changed my mind. Deciding not to go ahead with the op when she returns.
So, WHAT has changed my mind ?
(3) significant conversations …
First, it was a conversation with a young man who openly shared his disappointment. He wanted to see more topless young women on the beach. But notices how it’s mostly older women with saggy boobs, or MILFs with boob jobs. As an older woman preparing for an op, it hit a nerve and I felt uncomfortable. Instead of reacting, I observed my inner dialogue, noticed how I felt and was grateful for the trigger. Appreciating that he was merely the voice of many men who sexualize and shame women based on how we look.
I asked myself …
Am I truly changing my breasts for me?
My desire to change my breasts was based on a need to look more attractive. My want to “fix” my breasts was motivated by how they looked, rather than how they truly felt.
I suppose that explained my nipple sensitivity. My nipples began to feel the tingles of sensitivity after a conversation with my sister, who was bleeding heavily. As women, our body has a wonderful way of connecting to each other, especially when in flow. I was ovulating, so my body was feeling super ripe and hyper sensitive.
The second significant conversation was a conversation with my sisters, that triggered a concern I was sitting with. I openly shared that if my nipples died, it would be another loss that would tip me over the edge. A disclosure that unsettled us all. They ofcourse responded in their usual funny way. Serena telling me that she would get another set of nipples tattooed on too. Sunflower nips 🌻🌻
The third significant conversation was with a friend, who wisely suggested I listen to my body and ask my breasts what they wanted. When I shared this with Keza, she acted out a funny scene in the car. Her hands were talking nipples saying “don’t cut me, don’t cut me” in her best chipmunk voice.
Fuck, I love my sister’s 🤣💕
After those conversations I spent a little more time exploring WHY I wanted to change my breasts. The extra nipple sensitivity and womb ripeness helping me to connect with myself on a deeper level. As the days unfolded I realized that my breasts and womb are so much MORE than what I see, or what you’re looking at.
My breasts are a manifestation of nurturing and loving energy, that responds to external stimuli. The sensitivity of my nipples are not only sexually arousing, they have a maternal presence that connects me to others. And my womb is a connection to the Source of ALL Creation. To LIFE and creativity itself. So why the fuck would I want to disconnect myself from that?
Light bulb💡penny dropped 💰
There’s no denying that part (if not most) of the reason why I wanted to change the structure of my breasts, is a deep seeded limited belief that my breasts aren’t visually attractive. That they aren’t good enough because my nipples points south, not east. When I say that out loud to myself, I hear how ridiculous it sounds.
Yes, I can fully appreciate the beauty of a great pair of breasts, but does that mean mine aren’t as equally great? Are my breasts not great just because my nipples point down instead of up?
Ofcourse not !!!
The medical term for my breast “condition” is Ptosis, which basically means the different stages of a sagging breast. A natural part of the aging process and a gravitational response that many women (myself included) don’t like.
Fortunately, I believe aging is a privilege, which is why me and my Snoopy Boobs are going beyond nipple liberation. We are breaking FREE from the limited belief that my breasts aren’t good enough. Because how my nipples FEEL is way more important than how they look, or which direction on the compass they are pointing. I want to BE the kinda woman who walks her talk. So, I’ll continue to question myself. To make sure my actions reflect self love, my choices honour my truth and my decisions serve my highest good. And my nips couldn’t be happier 😍