I’m not just interested in REST and RECOVERY …

I want to HEAL …

 

Recovery from a tuber ligation hasn’t been the usual straight forward process for me, which isn’t a surprise, considering I made a conscious choice to work on myself energetically. I wanted to identify any blocks that are preventing me from letting go, releasing, moving onwards, forwards, inwards and upwards

… so the universe DELIVERED

I knew WHY I was experiencing increased pain and discomfort, but if I didn’t want to avoid, numb, escape or fight it … then, I needed to explore WHAT it meant and HOW I could heal from it ?

The surgery is only keyhole but it involves sticking 3 large metal prods into your abdomen, filling it up with a gas and fiddling around with your parts, which of course has an energetic influence on our body, mind and spirit. Then to add some intensity to the pot, because we all know how much I like to experience those extreme high and lows to strengthen my understanding. I asked the Doc if I could stop taking the pill post op and she said “YES”, so I did, but on day 2 of my recovery an early period presented itself in full force. I’ve never experienced a cycle so intense, it certainly wasn’t a normal period for me, it felt like I was in labor, which told me that my uterus wasn’t very happy with me …

or was she trying to tell me something ?

When the shit started to get real I reacted from old ways of doing, as we all do during those times when we feel most fearful about our health and wellbeing. I admit the intense pains, pulsating uterus, excessive bleeding and clotting had me a little worried. But reassurance was given that there were no signs of infection or complication, it was “just” a period

Seriously ? It actually felt like there was a war happening inside of my uterus and there was an ongoing massacre in my panties. Although it was a little reassuring knowing that it wasnt anything more sinister, I certainly wasnt content with the comment “its just a period”

That comment delivered from Doctors, Nurses, Friends and Family kinda pissed me off actually !!!

I was told to keep going with the regular Panadol and prescribed some medication called “Ponstan” to relieve my period pains and was told to take it 3 times per day for 3 days, with an active ingredient of Mefenamic acid, the name alone had alarm bells sounding “TOXIC”, but pre conditioned Tracey took a dose anyways because Doc knows best … hmmmm … I soon gave myself a shake and thought to myself … “WTF are you doing” ? … here I am preaching about how our bodies communicate to us and I’m taking chemicals to shut her up

WAKEY WAKEY !!! … Miss Hypocrite at your service … Geeeez !!!

So, I threw the drugs away and decided to dive deeper than what I was experiencing physically and tap into the underlying emotions and energy that was manifesting the pain and discomfort. First, I dragged out some clay to help me express my inner experience because I love playing with it. But I did something a little left of center, something that even I felt a little squeamish about, until I actually did it and then I really got into it and ENJOYED it !!!

I collected some of my menstrual blood and poured it into a cup of water and used it to work with the clay. It was a little smelly but OMG the energy that poured out of me and into the clay was amazing, I expressed some very intense emotion and created some beautiful pieces of art, which was my ultimate goal

 

As I thought about my abortion I found myself wanting to sculpt a vagina and place a baby fetus inside of her. It was a very emotional and intense experience, which was a beautiful way to release and LET GO of something I’ve held onto energetically for far TOO many years. 24 years I’ve carried it inside of me, so the RELEASE was way overdue !!!

The other piece came as my energy shifted, she is my symbol of Lilith, our inner wild woman and she is my emerging Goddess. I’m currently working my way through an intense 7 month energy healing that focuses on how our chakras connect with different parts of our feminine psyche, because I want to learn MORE about how I experience myself. So, she represents the journey of my awakening …and I LOVE HER !!!

The next day after my clay activity I lay on my bed and consciously invited the soul of the baby I aborted to join me in meditation (it was suggested by a beautiful friend of mine who understood the hurt I still carried around this choice). I used to believe that I wasn’t very good at the whole meditation thing because it’s not something I do often, but the few times I have my experiences have been enlightening, which made me think to myself  “WTF aren’t you doing this more often” ???

 

Although I felt a presence I couldn’t visualize or see an image, which was a little frustrating because I really wanted to see how he or she looked. During our conversation some realizations surfaced that shifted some energy. One being that my decision to have a tuber ligation was about removing my CHOICE !!! … I no longer wanted to carry the fear with me of becoming pregnant and being in a position of having to choose how an unwanted pregnancy would impact on my life … WOW !!! … now there was my TRUTH smacking me in my face and it kinda stung a little and I cried

Then my circle changed, the presence of that soul left and I was standing alone with my 17 year old self and I stood there feeling a little awkward to be honest. During a conversation the previous day, my friend asked me “what would you tell your 17 year old self laying on the operating table about to have an abortion? ”

Emotions overcame me even being asked that question, let alone actually asking one to myself, because I didn’t know ??? … So standing there silently beside her I just allowed my mind to wander where it wanted, which took me to observing my 18 year old daughter, which then took me to thoughts of “well what the fuck do I know because no matter what I say or do its wrong anyways”. I didn’t attach to those thoughts but just let them flow

WOW, now there’s a first for me (insert wink)

 

My thoughts flowed to mundane things like “my backs itchy” and “I wish that outside noise would stop so I can concentrate” … but then an answer came. I would tell her that she was not alone and that I would be completely present with her in whatever moment she was in, with no need to fix it, just BE there with her. My answer made me cry AGAIN !!! … because even though I had my family support system, I remember feeling completely alone and isolated in my experience back then and even now sometimes during my ever changing experiences

Then my Mam entered the circle, the woman who has been my biggest support throughout my life. A woman I admire, love and respect. We stood holding hands and I cried AGAIN (oh yes ALOT of tears were shed). I told her how very sorry I was for causing her so much pain and suffering. Then her Mam entered and I giggled and cried because it was like a beautiful reunion of spirit. I had a strong sense of other generations of women being present. So I invited them all into the circle, there was a strange sense of knowing between us, about how times have changed and are changing and how we are all working together for the higher good, then my daughter stepped in beside me and took my hand … and YES I cried AGAIN because beside her was her child

WOWZWES !!! … talk about an intense family get together (insert giggle)

So … then I had to come back to reality with a bump having to get busy with the normal routines of life. My sisters and parents visited, I had a Doctor’s appointment, dropped off my sick note to work and my daughter returned home from her Dads. And I tell you what, I was well aware that EVERY interaction since my meditation had a different energy than usual. I felt and thought differently about certain things that were said or done …

Like the look of disgust on my sister’s face when I proudly showed her my clay sculpture. The comment that “you are weird” from my Mam. The eye roll and I don’t give a fuck attitude from my daughter. The advice to keep taking the toxic drug from my Doctor even though I had said I wasn’t comfortable taking it. I actually tried to tell her that I was also working on other levels of my discomfort, which was effectively reducing symptoms but she completely ignored it. I found myself not engaging or attaching emotionally, instead I accepted it and moved on doing my own weird and wonderful thing

That evening there was a very intense FULL MOON, the skies were stormy and I sat beneath it on the beach feeling VERY excited about how the universe was opening up for us. But after a few clashes of pink lightning, that were a little TOO close for comfort, I scurried back to my car like a timid little mousey (insert giggle). When I got home I decided to DIG DEEPER and explored my experience of constipation, lower back pain, menstrual cramps and bleeding and this is what I found …

The primary function of the BOWEL is to eliminate the crap we no longer need, so in metaphysical terms CONSTIPATION is experienced on an emotional level as the resistance to LET GO of anything that no longer serves us (ideas, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, material things, people or situations). Reflecting a mental block with our inability to RELEASE or EXPRESS

Our body is literally telling us that if we don’t LET GO of whatever crap we are holding onto then it will eventually poison us !!!

When we respond primarily on a physical level we are only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Upping the fiber and fluid intake, regular exercise and routine, taking stool softeners and aperients may help the crap come out easier, but without those interventions the body will continue to experience constipation as a chronic condition, until we address what needs to be expressed and released. I’ve often jokingly said to myself that I was dumping the shit whenever I’ve had the runs

Since my clay healing I’ve been shitting A LOT (insert giggle)

The primary function of our spine is to provide support for our physical bodies, so in metaphysical terms LOWER BACK PAIN is experienced on an emotional level as not feeling SUPPORTED or it can also be related to a fear of losing our freedom if we continue to help and support others

So when we respond primarily on a physical level we are again only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Taking pain relief medications, using heat packs, rubbing on ointments, resting and avoiding activities may reduce the discomfort, but without those interventions the body will continue to experience chronic back ache, until we address our thoughts, feelings and experience around support

Since my clay healing I stopped ALL pain relief and although there’s still some tenderness and back ache, Im consciously exploring my experience of support

The primary function of our uterus is reproduction so in metaphysical terms MENSTRUAL CRAMPS or DISORDERS is experienced on an emotional level as difficulty accepting our femaleness, which is our body’s way of telling us that our belief system concerning women is inaccurate in some way. So when we respond primarily on a physical level, once again we are only dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. Again, interventions will ease monthly discomforts but until we explore our thoughts, feelings and experiences as a woman then we will continue to experience intense PMS … this stuff is fucking brilliant but logical !!!

I now have minimal bleeding, a little back ache discomfort but still very tender around the belly button incision, which makes sense because the tummy is where we hold onto our emotions and I’m still in the process of HEALING as I set my status to rest and recover. New realizations and understandings are popping up into my consciousness as my awareness of self continues to expand

Another TWINGE I had this morning was how I’ve allowed men who held no love for me to penetrate my sacred being. In layman terms I’ve shagged men I didn’t love and who didn’t love me. Justifying my actions as me being a sexually liberated woman, when the TRUTH was I was disrespecting my self because I wasnt loving myself. Each lustful but loveless encounter has filled my body with negative energies, not to mention HEART HURTS

Now that shifted some interesting energy …

NO more tears … but I was a little cranky with myself

How times have changed (insert smile)

NO MORE cigarettes, booze, sex or food to comfort and avoid myself. NO MORE running to others for answers because I don’t trust myself

Instead I indulge in a variety of different creative art therapy techniques, I listen and believe in myself more and more, I attract the support I need, I attract the love I believe I deserve and if I don’t, you betcha sexy socks that I will walk away. I actively work with the energy of the universe, I keep my heart and mind open even when its challenging to do so, I invite my hurts and fears into my conscious experience and I continue to share even when I’m mocked

… because I TRUST the process of CHANGE

I keep getting asked WHY do I SHARE my personal experiences with so much detail ?

 

First and foremost, I have no shame about WHO I am …

Secondly, I LOVE to learn and I like to share what I learn …

Thirdly, I believe its how I can inspire, encourage and support others to HEAL

But lets face it … Some wont even bother reading my blogs. Some will read them and take away what they need from it. Some want to read them because we walk a similar journey. Some will stumble across them as part of the perfect divine plan and some will only read them to mock or criticize because it challenges their reality

HOWEVER my sharings reach you, its none of my business how you perceive or receive it. My intention is to CONNECT and HEAL with LOVE

Getting out of our comfort zones is sometimes a choice we make in the hopes of improving our quality of life in some way

As a 41-year-old sexually active woman I decided it was time to close the chapter, reduce my stress about unwanted pregnancy and opt for something more permanent. Having used various contraception over the years and never being completely happy with them, I wanted my body to flow more naturally through hormonal changes and I’ve never enjoyed the feeling of wearing condoms. So after many years of pondering a tuber ligation was the logical step to take

I’ve always been curious but it seems the more consciously aware I become, the more observant I am of my own experiences, which deepens my understandings and allows me to flow more consciously through my discomforts

But my “over thinking” is something I’m both admired and criticised for … I myself prefer to call it CONSTRUCTIVE THINKING (insert wink)

There were a number of discomforts before, during and after my tuber ligation procedure. Being aware of each and every one of them is essential for me to consciously flow through the experience. I believe this is how we reduce the need for healing further down the track because we may have held onto a thought, an emotion or a belief that may block the natural flow as it occurs

We can either choose to move mindlessly through our experiences or we can choose to flow mindfully with them … the choice is ours to make

I believe … being completely present and FLOWING with our discomforts is a habit worth cultivating and a skill worth learning

I believe … ALL of our experiences occur on multiple levels and by exploring those levels, it helps us to identify if we are flowing or resisting

Physical discomfort (body)

Our bodies experience pain and discomfort for many reasons. Increased physical activity, illness, disease, post op or manifested emotional pain (to name a few). How we respond to our discomforts will depend on our beliefs about pain and suffering, which will impact on how we experience it

Does the pain and discomfort exist or persist ? or does it flow and shift ?

Emotional upset (mind)

Our thoughts about an experience will impact on how we feel about it. So, if we believe pain is a negative experience to be avoided, then we will experience it as such. If we believe pain to be just another experience to be understood, then we will experience it in that way. Sometimes our emotional upset is triggered by past experiences, which have been previously blocked out or we may choose to avoid and deny our present experience of pain and discomfort

Does the emotional response match the situation ?

Is the emotional response extreme or is completely nil and void ?

Energetic disturbances (spirit)

After exploring my thoughts and expressing my feelings, I find myself working from this place more often as I become more aware of my own energy blocks. Our chakras are our energy centres that influence ALL of our experiences. If we are aware of any thoughts or emotions and still feel blocked in some way, you can bet ya bottom dollar that there’s an energy blockage somewhere in your being that’s preventing the flow and your healing

Spiritual distress (belief system)

Whenever our present experience is in conflict with our personal beliefs, we start to question and doubt ourselves, which disrupts our entire state of being. We may experience feelings of anger and fear during times of great uncertainty. Making sense of our lives, finding meaning and seeking purpose helps us cope and adjust with this kind of discomfort … this is GROWTH

So … let me walk you through some of my recent discomforts, which may help you with your own process of flowing with discomfort

A straight forward procedure that involves 3 small incisions. Gas is pumped into the belly to inflate the abdomen, which gives the surgeon a better view and more room to work. A narrow tube with a light and camera is inserted into the abdomen and a long thin instrument is inserted to locate and hold the fallopian tube, which are cut and clamped … sounds simple enough ?

A simple enough operation, but I still had a lot of nerves and anxieties. The last time I went under anesthesia was for an abortion when I was 17 y ears old. Some unpleasant memories and uncomfortable emotions that stirred during my pre op consult told me that there was still some energy around that choice. I was also told that being a larger woman there was a higher risk of complications, such as perpetrating the bowel … gulp !!!

Well … that would certainly put a damper on my sex life wouldn’t it !!!

For those living this reality, check out these creative and groovy ideas that will have you rocking the ostomy look

So … before even walking into the surgery I was already well aware of my past hurt that was triggered and my present fear, which were both acknowledged, hence the feelings and anxiety. Getting prepped for the operation the nurse gave it to me straight … “Youre going to be uncomfortable” … BRING IT ON !!!

I have dodgy veins and am overweight so I’m a real challenge with needles, so the first discomfort was being told they had to use a large IV needle … oh heck !!! … I’m well aware that I’m a sooky la la when it comes to pain, but I’m also the woman who will confront and challenge that reality

So when he asked if I wanted a local to numb the hand, I said “No, just don’t wriggle it around too much” … survived it !!!

The next discomfort was being told that because I was a heavy weight I had to hop onto a hover mat and use a ramp on the operating table to lower my head. Feelings of SHAME surfaced to add a nice flavour to the mix. Although I take complete responsibility for my choices and am actively working on reducing my weight … I still feel the shame everytime someone reminds me that I am FAT !!!

 

The hover mat turned out to be very cool and it was kinda fun. Air was blown into it until it enveloped me like a cradle and raised me up. The nurses only needed to push it in the right direction and I was hovered off the trolley and onto the operating table

Made me feel like I was travelling on a magic mat … LOVED it !!!

This was my biggest FEAR !!! … the last time I was in this position I had made another life changing choice during a time when I felt lost. A choice that shook my world and changed the direction of my life. Oh yes, I recall this moment so very clearly, even though it was 24 years ago. I remember feeling scared, vulnerable, confused, alone and like I was about to make a terrible mistake

I had lost my virginity and was having an abortion

 

Ironic … that after all those years, I choose to place myself back on the table ending the chapter as it had begun

I woke up from my abortion feeling very sore, sorry … and empty of life

In reflection … this was my first experience of depression and it was a black hole I avoided back then by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, smoking, comfort eating, nail-biting and casual sex. I lost all respect for myself and self punishment came in a variety of different costumes. A black hole that Ive since been exploring anxiously for years, looking for answers …

Where did it came from ?

Why cant I escape it during times of uncertainty ?

How does is serve to help me ?

What am I avoiding by falling into it ?

Ive been aware for some time now that the abortion was my first real trauma in life and it was my first experience of HEART BREAK …

… but until now I never really comprehended how it also relates to my inability to truly love myself. To love ourselves is to love ALL of who we are and ALL of who we are not  (tears fall and she sobs)

I’ve been feeling very alone in this experience because my usual support network(my Mam and 2 younger sisters) have been over seas and I’ve been pulling back and isolating myself from friends more and more, as I work through my process of healing. So any discomforts I’ve been feeling as I recover from the operation have been intensified, which ofcourse serves a very important purpose in my experience …

As I recover from my tuber ligation … I also heal the source of my heart hurts