I’ve been reflecting over why I keep reliving the same difficult memories that trigger uncomfortable emotions. Wondering why I keep finding myself confronting the same thoughts and feelings over and over again? I know grief comes in ebbs and flows, but I wonder why are some waves rougher than others?

I recall a conversation I had with a young man, who had been a little quieter than usual for a few days. While we were talking he shared the reason why he hadn’t been his usual self. It had been the anniversary of his Mum and Grandmothers death. He said “my soul was sleeping.”

His words stayed with me because they felt significant.

While chopping vegetables in the kitchen a few days later, my mind kept drifting away in reflection. To be honest I didn’t really want to be there because I felt tired and drained, from all the mental processing and emotional releasing the day before. Yet my mind was STILL active, as I thought about the images and memories that had overwhelmed me so much.

My greatest struggle is an inner conflict between two parts of myself …

BEing a human who experiences suffering
And a spiritual BEing who IS the love and light

How the fuck do I align these parts of myself ?

Which is WHY I’m here, in a Buddhist retreat seeking refuge.

Its not easy to BE fully present during the tragedies of loss, which is why some of us then struggle with the process of grief. My experience of PTSD keeps inviting me to relive the trauma because there’s a need to complete the process. To acknowledge how I really thought about the situation, allowing the emotions to rise and fall without suppressing them, until the energy eventually shifts.

Only then, will I be able to experience the RELEASE

I’ve already done this again and again and again, which is why I get so frustrated when things resurface. I know I’m a little harder on myself because I’ve studied and worked with grief and loss for 20 years. I understand that grief isn’t a process that begins when we loose our loved ones. The anticipation of our loss began the day Dad was diagnosed with incurable cancer (October 2016), so part of me is OVER IT already because I’ve been processing grief for over 3 years.

“When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think”

My struggle the other day had been triggered by Granda’s anniversary and some conversations. It was the images of loved ones on death beds and in coffins that triggered my memories, which then brought rise to the wave of emotions. Its never easy to look upon unpleasant images, relive painful memories and feel uncomfortable emotions, even in reflection.

Its difficult to remain fully PRESENT with those experiences.

I wondered …

Why do we struggle to BE fully present in the moments?
Why do we not share what we truly think?
Why do we suppress our emotions?
Why do we shut ourselves off from an experience?
Why do we over react in other situations?

I acknowledge …

Some experiences automatically trigger out defense and coping mechanisms, which prevents us from being fully present in the moments. As I reflected over the images that trigger those reactions in me. I realize how part of my BEing was absent during those times. The times I had to think like a nurse and not feel like a daughter, which suppressed the full flow of my emotions. The times I wanted to break down, but had to keep going. The times when life felt surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.

Sometimes our mind shuts down
Sometimes our heart closes
Sometimes our soul sleeps

I wondered …

Are the memories inviting me to BE fully present with them? To bring my mind, body and spirit in alignment, to experience the trauma as a whole BEing? 

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Did you notice the flow of my writing in the previous blog ?

How I began writing about Granda, but then my thoughts wandered towards my need for intimacy, which is a great example of how we struggle to remain present with our pain. So, I reflected over my cravings yesterday …

My craving for intimacy was my need to be seen
My craving to be held was my need to feel comforted
My craving to fuck was my need to relieve tension
My craving to drink whiskey was my need to dull the mental anguish
My craving for chocolate was my need for feel good endorphins

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Suffering is the experience of mental, physical or emotional pain, which none of us can prevent from happening because of the impermanence of life. We not only suffer the consequence of some of our own choices, but witnessing the pain and suffering of others can and does trigger our own suppressed pain. The root cause of our suffering is the struggle to rid ourselves of the discomfort, which we have been conditioned to do. By either suppressing our pain, putting our struggles into “perspective” by comparing them to others worse off, or seeking to satisfy our desires. All of which only creates perpetual cravings.

For example: a drug addict isn’t addicted to the drug, they use the drug to manage the pain and reduce their experience of suffering. But we don’t have to be a drug addict to engage in unhealthy behaviours that use substance to manage pain.

These are the cycles we need to break and the habits we need to change, if we want to change our relationship with grief and loss.

Today has been an illuminating kinda day …

Its no coincidence that the last 3 days have challenged me, which has been on the lead up to this months FULL MOON in Lilith, that meets Venus and Chiron. I have a strong connection with Lilith energy, that often conflicts with my inner Aphrodite. Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,”effecting all aspects of wellness (our physical health, mental health, emotions, spirituality).”

After my revelations I walked back to the vollie house in the rain. I found myself a nice soft spot on the grass to meditate, and sat in the rain for a while. As the rain fell upon me, I felt cleansed and renewed.

Don’t forget to put out your crystals 🌖🌕🌔

 

 

I woke early this morning, after a restless nights sleep. Granda was on my mind because its his birthday today (7th Feb). We were fortunate to grow up with all of our Grandparents and I loved them all equally, but I had a special bond with my Granda. Sadly, he was diagnosed with liver cancer and died the day before his birthday (6th Feb) in the year 2000. Although its been 20 years since he died, it triggered memories I didn’t want to see. So, I got dressed and headed out. As I walked up the hill, I stopped to take a photo of the water cascading down the hill over the rocks. I thought about how much I wanted to share the beauty with my Mam, knowing how much she would appreciate it, which triggered other memories. I didn’t want to look back, but it felt like the past was walking right behind me and I was struggling to stay ahead of it.

My body may have been sitting in the Big Love Cafe, but I was back in the UK, reliving the moments. I recalled seeing Granda’s birthday cards, that my Aunt and Uncle had brought back from the hospital. There were splodges on the card I had sent him and I wondered if they were his tears. An image that still breaks my heart to think about. Although my parents and I went back to the UK, we never got the opportunity to say goodbye because he died a few days before we arrived. I wanted so badly to see his smiling face and hug him one more time, but instead I seen his lifeless corpse in a coffin.

And that’s when I began to unravel …

Visions of Mam, Dad and Christie on their death beds. Memories of our parents final weeks, days, hours and moments. There was no escaping the past because it was right there swimming around in my mind, as if I was watching it on a TV screen. I tried to fight back the tears, but the fluid just oozed from my nose instead. The only place I could find privacy was in the toilet, so I shut myself in and silently cried as the images relentlessly persisted. There was too much going on in my head and heart to be able to put on a mask and go on shift. So, I returned to the Cafe with blood shot eyes, to tell the cook that I couldn’t be there today. The look of genuine concern on his and my fellow vollies faces told me that I must have looked as bad as I was feeling.

I decided to go to the Garden of Enlightenment because it was raining and knew it would be quiet. When I got there I took off my soggy shoes and socks because I needed to feel grounded and tried to meditate, but felt too tired to focus my mind. So, I picked up the phone and called my sister. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t get the words out because I was choking on my tears, so I hung up.

I recalled my conversation with the Nun yesterday, who commented again about the complexity of my grief and I was cranky. Why the fuck does she keep reminding me how fucking traumatic it was? Why the fuck does she want me to remember how fucking hard it was? She keeps talking about getting under my words and I know she means the pain I’m still sitting on. Well, here it is. The images I keep trying so hard to push out of my mind keep returning to be seen. I know its because emotions are still attached to them, but I’ve already felt these feelings before. So why do they keep coming back to be felt? Will I ever be able to watch the story unfold and not feel the sorrow? Am I gonna be haunted by these memories forever? How can I heal from something that keeps replaying in my mind? Who the fuck holds the remote control to my thoughts?

When the flow of thought and emotion finally calmed, I called my sister back and we talked for over an hour. While we were talking I noticed the face of a whale in the tree in front of me. His kind eyes and gentle smile was comforting.

“Whales are associated with compassion and solitude. Knowledge of both life and death. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace.”

Well, that’s part of the reason why I’m here !!!

After our conversation I wandered back to the vollie house, which was busy. So, I had a long hot shower, then locked myself in the bedroom. I cried and slept most of the day because I wanted to feel the closeness of another human being. I wanted to be held and touched, but I was alone.

Why do I keep finding myself alone in these moments of vulnerability?
Why don’t I have someone to hold me and tell me everything will be OK?

When I finally had the house to myself, I opened up the door to let some fresh air in, lit the incense, put on some shamanic music and picked up my drum. I wanted to rip off my clothes, stand out in the rain and howl at the heavens, as I felt a primal rush of energy flowing through me. Although I crave the tenderness of love, I wanted to fuck and be fucked. Urges I haven’t and cant fully satisfy, so they continue to be suppressed. I’m abstaining from many things, mindful masturbation included, which is having an impact on me. On days like today the path to so called “enlightenment” is a fucking struggle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke thinking about CHOICES this morning …

Our lives are made up of an accumulation of choices and consequences, that create the experiences we have. If we aren’t happy with our lives, then all we need to do is make a different choice, but sometimes we get stuck in an unpleasant experience because of the way we think about it. We feel powerless to change our circumstances and begin to suffer the consequences of our choices, which is an experience in itself.

EVERY experience is an opportunity to learn and grow from …

We make choices every day and in every moment. Many of those choices become habitual. We decide when to wake up, what to wear, what to do, where to go, who to spend our time with and how to live our lives. These choices are subtler, but they can and DO have a huge impact upon our life experiences. Other choices are the kinda life changing choices that have the ability to totally alter our experiences. Every choice has its own set of consequences and some can be difficult lessons to learn, but if our lives are an accumulation of choices and consequences, then we can begin to experiment with our life choices.

As I reflect upon my life, I begin to have a deeper sense of appreciation for my struggles. Because without my struggles, I wouldn’t have learned any of the lessons I have learned. My struggles have often reflected a resistance to change, which has been connected to an inner conflict. I notice the struggle when Im rejecting a different reality thats trying to manifest itself, which can create suffering if I keep resisting the change.

I suppose thats why I woke thinking about CHOICES.

I recall a conversation I had with Mam while walking on the beach. She was concerned about a choice I was making in love because she was worried about the consequences of those choices. Although LOVE motivated both of our choices, we were both becoming a little agitated with one another, which happened a lot with us. Mam wanted to protect me from “mistakes” which she understood as being “bad choices” but I believed my heart was guiding me towards the experiences I needed to have. Mam didn’t want me to suffer the consequences of my choices, but I believed if I didn’t follow my heart, then I wasn’t living my truth. We talked about our need to protect our children from hurt and how that can impact upon their growth. As Mothers, we think its our duty and responsibility to guide our children (whatever age they are) into the direction we “think” is best for them, but I challenged that belief because I understand the need to protect is attached to our need to reduce our own suffering. Because when our kids are happy, then we are … right?

Many of my inner conflicts have been attached to the challenges I’ve had with my family. As a child I constantly challenged those I loved with my curiosity and open nature, and I’ve never grown out of it. If anything, my struggles have deepened my curiosities and made me even more open. Granted, not everyone appreciates or celebrates that, but it’s my curious nature that motivates me to explore and live life to the fullest, and it’s my openness to experience that attracts the many gifts and blessings I receive.

When my choices are guided by my curiosity and openness to NEW experiences, I begin to experience the magic, but to have these experiences I have to be willing to let go of the OLD. To release myself from the limitations of my mind and the struggles that create my suffering. Each choice generates a different set of consequences and manifests a different experience. If we are mindfully aware, we will soon come to realize and learn to appreciate, that our choices will generally reflect the lesson life is teaching us.

I made the choice to come here, to work and live in the Buddhist Retreat because it was time to take a step back into life, but I wasn’t sure which direction to go in. After loosing our parents, I felt lost and alone in life because they were always my safe place to fall during the major transitions in my life. Although friends offered sanctuary and support, I needed to have a sense of SELF, but aspects of who I was died when I lost my parents.

If I no longer have a Mother and Father, then am I no longer a Daughter?

I’ve often described the death of our parents as being an Apocalyptic experience, because when Mam was dying the ground beneath me shattered, and when Dad was dying the sky fell down upon me. The whole experience has been an unveiling of lessons and truths, which could only occur when my world fell apart. In truth, it was my fixed identify that was crumbling, which is cause for celebration, but first I had to grieve the loss of who I once was. Like ALL transitions and transformations we only suffer if we resist the change that is naturally occurring. Truth is, NOTHING stays the same and EVERYTHING changes moment to moment. To flow with life is to accept this truth and allow ourselves to BE fully present in those moments, however uncomfortable.

Like a tree, our seeds of intentions are nourished and nurtured by our thoughts.

Although conditions may hinder its growth, the nature of an acorn is to become the mighty oak it was intended to BE. So, as a conscious BEing we have the ability to make conscious choices instead of allowing our habitual thoughts take control.

I love and appreciate the warmth of the sun,

but after hot n humid days, its wonderful to feel the cool n crisp air.

I’ve been watching the rain falling all afternoon.

There was no sun setting at dusk.

Instead the clouds hovered above the trees and the fog drifted in,

The cicadas played their noisy tune and the frogs joined in the chorus.

I love how the forest comes alive when it rains.

The trees look, sound, smell and feel different.

I sense their enjoyment as the water falls upon their leaves,

and down their trunks.

I can hear their contented sighs as the water quenches their thirst.

I feel grounded,

Connected to Nature, to Universe and to Source energy.

As I inhale the Earths scent, I feel nothing but love filling up my lungs.

My thoughts begin to flow …

Im thinking about where I am and where Ive been

About all the wonderful places Ive seen and stayed.

A realization …

We dont need to own something to be able to experience and enjoy it.

Im thinking about the experiences Ive had and am having.

A realization …

The journey is full of so many important lessons.

I have nothing, yet I have everything I need-

A realization …

Sometimes taking a giant leap of faith.

only requires us to take a small step in the right direction.

My heart feels a strong sense of gratitude.

For the path Im walking and the life Im living.

I feel a sense of freedom I haven’t felt before.

A realization that Ive finally broken FREE from a materialistic world.

Experiencing life without the pressure and stress of money

And everything is OK 

Im having a completely NEW experience with people I’ve never met before,

yet I feel safe, secure and supported.

My mind feels clearer and my spirit feels lighter.

Every day I get a little more enthusiastic about the day ahead of me,

and I feel my passion for life returning with even more fire.

I feel liberated from my doubts and fears.

Excited about the adventures that await me.

Whatever they may be.

There is NO settling for me,

because I wasn’t created to live inside the zones of comfort.

Im made from star dust, wishes and magical things.

A BEing of love and light here to create a life that feels good on the inside.

And thats the kinda magic Im here to share with YOU 🌟