I’ve been reflecting over why I keep reliving the same difficult memories that trigger uncomfortable emotions. Wondering why I keep finding myself confronting the same thoughts and feelings over and over again? I know grief comes in ebbs and flows, but I wonder why are some waves rougher than others?
I recall a conversation I had with a young man, who had been a little quieter than usual for a few days. While we were talking he shared the reason why he hadn’t been his usual self. It had been the anniversary of his Mum and Grandmothers death. He said “my soul was sleeping.”
His words stayed with me because they felt significant.
While chopping vegetables in the kitchen a few days later, my mind kept drifting away in reflection. To be honest I didn’t really want to be there because I felt tired and drained, from all the mental processing and emotional releasing the day before. Yet my mind was STILL active, as I thought about the images and memories that had overwhelmed me so much.
My greatest struggle is an inner conflict between two parts of myself …
BEing a human who experiences suffering
And a spiritual BEing who IS the love and light
How the fuck do I align these parts of myself ?
Which is WHY I’m here, in a Buddhist retreat seeking refuge.
Its not easy to BE fully present during the tragedies of loss, which is why some of us then struggle with the process of grief. My experience of PTSD keeps inviting me to relive the trauma because there’s a need to complete the process. To acknowledge how I really thought about the situation, allowing the emotions to rise and fall without suppressing them, until the energy eventually shifts.
Only then, will I be able to experience the RELEASE
I’ve already done this again and again and again, which is why I get so frustrated when things resurface. I know I’m a little harder on myself because I’ve studied and worked with grief and loss for 20 years. I understand that grief isn’t a process that begins when we loose our loved ones. The anticipation of our loss began the day Dad was diagnosed with incurable cancer (October 2016), so part of me is OVER IT already because I’ve been processing grief for over 3 years.
“When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think”
My struggle the other day had been triggered by Granda’s anniversary and some conversations. It was the images of loved ones on death beds and in coffins that triggered my memories, which then brought rise to the wave of emotions. Its never easy to look upon unpleasant images, relive painful memories and feel uncomfortable emotions, even in reflection.
Its difficult to remain fully PRESENT with those experiences.
I wondered …
Why do we struggle to BE fully present in the moments?
Why do we not share what we truly think?
Why do we suppress our emotions?
Why do we shut ourselves off from an experience?
Why do we over react in other situations?
I acknowledge …
Some experiences automatically trigger out defense and coping mechanisms, which prevents us from being fully present in the moments. As I reflected over the images that trigger those reactions in me. I realize how part of my BEing was absent during those times. The times I had to think like a nurse and not feel like a daughter, which suppressed the full flow of my emotions. The times I wanted to break down, but had to keep going. The times when life felt surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.
Sometimes our mind shuts down
Sometimes our heart closes
Sometimes our soul sleeps
I wondered …
Are the memories inviting me to BE fully present with them? To bring my mind, body and spirit in alignment, to experience the trauma as a whole BEing?
Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)
Did you notice the flow of my writing in the previous blog ?
How I began writing about Granda, but then my thoughts wandered towards my need for intimacy, which is a great example of how we struggle to remain present with our pain. So, I reflected over my cravings yesterday …
My craving for intimacy was my need to be seen
My craving to be held was my need to feel comforted
My craving to fuck was my need to relieve tension
My craving to drink whiskey was my need to dull the mental anguish
My craving for chocolate was my need for feel good endorphins
Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)
Suffering is the experience of mental, physical or emotional pain, which none of us can prevent from happening because of the impermanence of life. We not only suffer the consequence of some of our own choices, but witnessing the pain and suffering of others can and does trigger our own suppressed pain. The root cause of our suffering is the struggle to rid ourselves of the discomfort, which we have been conditioned to do. By either suppressing our pain, putting our struggles into “perspective” by comparing them to others worse off, or seeking to satisfy our desires. All of which only creates perpetual cravings.
For example: a drug addict isn’t addicted to the drug, they use the drug to manage the pain and reduce their experience of suffering. But we don’t have to be a drug addict to engage in unhealthy behaviours that use substance to manage pain.
These are the cycles we need to break and the habits we need to change, if we want to change our relationship with grief and loss.
Today has been an illuminating kinda day …
Its no coincidence that the last 3 days have challenged me, which has been on the lead up to this months FULL MOON in Lilith, that meets Venus and Chiron. I have a strong connection with Lilith energy, that often conflicts with my inner Aphrodite. Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,”effecting all aspects of wellness (our physical health, mental health, emotions, spirituality).”
After my revelations I walked back to the vollie house in the rain. I found myself a nice soft spot on the grass to meditate, and sat in the rain for a while. As the rain fell upon me, I felt cleansed and renewed.
Don’t forget to put out your crystals 🌖🌕🌔