When we cant find our own words, we can find our truth in song …

If I could face them
If I could make amends with all my shadows
Id bow my head and welcome them
But I feel it burning
Like when the winter wind
Stops my breathing
Are you really gonna love me when Im gone?
I fear you wont
I fear you dont

And it echoes when I breathe
Until all you see is my ghost
Empty vessel, crooked teeth
Wish you could see

And they call me under
And Im shaking like a leaf
And they call me under
And I wither underneath
In this storm

I am a stranger
I am an alien inside a structure
Are you really gonna love me when Im gone?
With all my thoughts
And all my faults
I feel it biting
I feel it break my skin so uninviting
Are you really gonna need me when Im gone?
I fear you wont
I fear you dont

And it echoes when I breathe
Until all you see is my ghost
Empty vessel, crooked teeth
Wish you could see

And they call me under
And Im shaking like a leaf
And they call me under
And I wither underneath
In this storm I feel it

By Of Monsters and Men

My parents are dead,
but I believe in spirit.
I still love them,
and know they’re still loving me.

So …

Why does it hurt to remember them ?
Why does it hurt to think about them ?

If love doesn’t hurt …
then why don’t I feel happy ?

If love doesn’t hurt …
then why does sadness still flow ?

If love doesn’t hurt …
then why do memories haunt me ?

If love doesn’t hurt …
then why do my tears choke me ?

Didn’t I love my parents ?
Didn’t they love me ?
Wasn’t our love unconditional ?
Isn’t it FOREVER and ALWAYS ?

If love doesn’t hurt …
then why do I feel like I’ve lost it ?

I sit with those thoughts for awhile,
then in the silence I hear …

My darling,
Love doesn’t hurt
Loss does

If this is true, then it’s not a lack of love that’s causing my suffering, then love isn’t to blame for my struggles …

I AM

And in that moment
I am empowered

Because to change my experience
I only need to own it

In my grief, I’ve noticed how my heart doesn’t ache because it’s OPEN to feel, without holding onto the emotion. I’ve learned how to flow, which is why I no longer fear my feelings. I surrender to the process, by welcoming my truth to rise and fall. Knowing that I can only RELEASE what I’m willing to fully feel.

Yet, I still struggle ?

Because my struggle is with myself. My thoughts are the cause of my suffering.

Now, I’m learning how to keep an OPEN mind. To think without holding onto the thought. To observe my thinking process, without fearing the irrational and distorted thoughts. To welcome my messy and conflicting truth. Knowing that I can only CHANGE what I’m willing to fully process.

Knowing, when I open my heart and mind, then emotion and thought will flow. And then I can BE who I truly AM without fear, which is a thinking, feeling and living BEing of love and light. Here to share my kinda magic with the world.

Today, I’m having a bed/sofa day because I don’t have the energy to hike, nor the interest to explore. I just needed to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings. To feel my sadness and acknowledge the burden of my worry and fear.

Yes, I’m having a wonderful adventure here in Perth and V gives the best hugs, but no matter where I am or who I’m with, I still want and need time alone. To process my thoughts, release my emotions and balance my energy.

I have no intentions of avoiding myself. So, I’m well aware that I’m still riding waves of grief, reliving difficult memories, and navigating an uncertain future on a road less travelled. And I have no shame in admitting that some days I struggle. Although I share smiley photos of the beautiful places I go to, I’m still processing challenging experiences, feeling emotions as they flow and adjusting to what is.

Truth is, I often break down on my hikes, but I don’t always share the details because most of my tensions, conflicts and challenges involve other people. So I focus on sharing my process rather than the details of my struggles.

Maybe the juicier stuff will be written and shared, as part of my story in the books I plan on writing ? Perhaps it will just fuel the story ?

Everyday another trigger presents itself.

This morning I recieved a message from a friend with good intentions, telling me about a live in job, caring for someone with cancer who is palliative. I don’t think many people realize just how challenging it was to care for our parent’s end of life. Even I wasn’t prepared for the trauma I experienced, which is something I still struggle with. We didn’t just loose our parents to cancer, we granted their last wishes, which was to care for them at home. Yes, it was a privelage but it was the hardest thing we have ever done … and we did it twice 💔💔

That kind of thing changes you, which is why I have less tolerance for some things and more passion for other things. I know that my path is changing, but my direction isn’t yet known.

No matter how strong my faith is, no matter how many times spirit connects with me, no matter how much I reframe things, I still can’t seem to shake myself free from the past. I’m not really OK with this, but it is my truth.

The challenges I’ve confronted over the last 3 years and the experiences I’ve had have changed me. In many ways I’m not the same woman I once was, which influences upon all of my relationships and friendships. In some ways I’m softer and in other ways I’m harder. 

My family and I feel our sadness, but we don’t dwell in our sorrow, because our parents would want us to keep living, but that doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. I can’t speak for everyone, but some days irrational thoughts consume me, challenging memories haunt me and the rise and fall of emotions overwhelm me.

I’m well aware that Anxiety and Depression are common companions of grief, which is why I dive in to explore my thoughts and feelings.

I’ve sat with depression many times, to better understand its presence in my life. It usually shows up when I’ve lost someone or am failing at something. So, I’ve learned to appreciate my need to rest and dive in deeper to my inner most thoughts and feelings. To honour my truth and identify what I’m still holding onto.

But I have a more challenging relationship with anxiety. I don’t really welcome it so warmly because I want to live a life of love, not fear.

My first experience with anxiety was at my Granda’s funeral, back in 2000. This is when I began to suffer from panic attacks, and over the years I began to realize that anxiety was connected to my fears and worrys.

So, again it’s about being honest with myself.

What am I afraid of ?
What am I worrying about ?
What am I holding onto ?

To be honest, at this point in my life, I’m less afraid of being alone and more afraid of not being true to myself. I’m worried about John’s surgery on Friday and about our kids. I’m holding onto the belief that we can be friends with an ex. Although we might be friendly, I’m realizing that I’ve lost the friendship I had with the men I was once in relationship with.

I notice how I feel more anxious whenever I’m feeling more vulnerable …

Vulnerability IS speaking our truth with honesty, which exposes us to the possibility of being criticized, judged, misunderstood and rejected.

Yup, the more honestly I express myself, the more challenging my interactions become. No matter how much I tell myself, that someone else’s choices has nothing to do with me, it still doesn’t stop my feelings from being hurt.

I notice how my vulnerability heightens my sensitivity, which then triggers my anxiety.

Anxiety has many faces …

Sometimes I articulate my anxiety with words
Sometimes I overreact, withdraw or shut down
Sometimes I drown it with booze to numb it
Sometimes I soothe it with food to comfort it
Sometimes I walk or hike alone with it

Today, I watched a movie “Into the Wild” which both inspired and triggered me. So, I had a long hot shower and released my tears. Then I wrote this, which I decided to share with you. And now I’m gonna pour myself a big glass of wine, prepare myself a plate of yummys and watch an uplifting movie, so I won’t be a miserable cow when V gets home from work.

Yup, I still have my sense of humour

Today, I’m thinking about those who are drowning and struggling to stay afloat. Those who are sitting in dark spaces feeling lost and alone. Those who are suffering from their loss. Those who are confronted with challenges and facing obstacles. Those who are living the fear in their hearts. Those who have lost all hope.

I want you to know that I see YOU ❤

Sometimes I’m tempted to close my facebook account. Sometimes I need to stay open and connect with you, but I want to shut down and disconnect. Sometimes the oversharer can’t fully express what’s really on her mind and in her heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing in life. Sometimes I feel so fucking lost inside of myself. Sometimes I want to be seen and need to be found. Sometimes I feel so very alone with my struggles. Sometimes I regret looking back into the past because it hurts so damn much. Sometimes I’m scared to look too far into the future because I’m afraid of what could happen. Sometimes the present doesn’t feel like a gift. Sometimes I can’t look away from the suffering in the world because I’m suffering too. Sometimes I’m lost in the sorrows of life. Sometimes I don’t want to see how happy everyone else is or how well they are doing. Sometimes I struggle to celebrate life because I’m overwhelmed and unimpressed with living.

Sometimes I wonder what’s the fucking point?

Fortunately these are only my sometimes.

On the flip side …

I LOVE life. ALL of it, even the struggles. I know how my thoughts can become distorted and irrational, so I thank fuck for my insight. I’m also grateful for the wonderfuls, that prevent me from drowning in my misery. Yup, shit sure does happen, but our self pity only digs a much bigger pit that we can’t get out of. Learning to observe our thoughts and emotions without attaching to them, is a habit worth cultivating.

But it does make me wonder …

How many other people are sharing the smile, that masks their struggles? How many others are faking it till they make it? How many others aren’t talking openly about their “sometimes.”

Sometimes I’m not OK … and that’s OK ❤

Although I’m blessed with love, I still feel the sting of disappointment when a relationship or a friendship doesn’t flow as I had hoped.

Although I believe in seasons, reasons and lifetimes, I still feel the pain of a lesson learned

Although I’m grateful for the time I had with my parents and my friend, I still feel the ache in my heart from the devastation of my loss.

Although I will cherish the many precious memories we made together, I still feel gutted that our time was cut short because there was still so much that I, they and we wanted to do.

Although I believe that life’s too complicated to just end, I still feel angry that my parents and friend had to go through what they did. And I still struggle with those not so great memories.

Although my faith is strong, I still feel kinda lost without my parents and I miss my friend.

Sometimes I just have to be honest with myself

Everyday my facebook memories take me back   to past experiences. An accumulation of the good and the bad times that is my life. To the ups and downs that is my story. Although I’ve endured many heart breaking losses over the years, the hardest by far is our parents cancer diagnosis, and the end of life challenges that my sisters and I confronted. To be honest I relive those moments most days, so don’t need the reminder. As the memories pop up it’s like a count down to your worst nightmare. Each day taking us closer to the worst times of our life.

Why must we relive those shitful moments?
Why must we grieve over and over again?
Why must we feel our pain with such intensity?
Why must we remember things so vividly?
Why must we be reminded what we once had?
Why must we keep thinking about the loss?

No matter what we do or how we think, there’s no denying this truth. And why would we? It’s part of our story and although our past doesn’t define us, it definitely does shape us into the person we are today. So, I accept the memories as they resurface, observe the thought when it pops into my mind and I allow the emotions to rise and fall. Knowing that this too shall pass.

Everyday I’m triggered by something that reminds me, that I am healing. So I try my best to be as honest as I can in my interactions.

Everyday there’s another tension, conflict or concern that challenges me. So, I remind myself that life itself is a wonderful adventure.

As I accept and share my “sometimes” I also embrace my shadow. Shining a light onto the vulnerable parts of myself that I usually hide so well. Knowing that true beauty comes from the heart of who we are, and I want to love it all.

I no longer need to hide my flaws, failures and faults. Because I’m not only healing my own personal woundings, I’m learning how to love and appreciate our past. Every uncomfortable memory that has challenged me, is being seen and felt for what it truly is. So that every moment can be lived as fully as it can be.

I’m learning that …

Healing is balancing our own energy, which is influenced by how we think and feel about ourselves, which is influenced by our past.

As I share my process, I want to lean into my inner tensions with a little more honesty ❤