Today is NEW MOON, so if you haven’t done so already, its the perfect time to hit PAUSE and go within to rest, reflect and release. Its the perfect time to clear away anything that no longer serves us or our greater good, so that intentions can be set for the new monthly cycle ahead.

Our reflections take us into the past on purpose, so we can better understand the present, which then enables us to set clearer intentions for our future.

“The PAST is behind us, learn from it
The FUTURE is ahead of us, prepare for it
The PRESENT is here, live it”

As a writer, its a constant state of being because our stories are created from our own lived experiences, as well as from our wildest imaginations. That place within our hearts, that yearns to set sail into Other worlds, where alternate realities can be created. Oh how I love that place.

As a writer, my reality is wonderful (mostly) because my world is magical

Yes, I am a writer

 I may not (yet) be a published author, but the possibility is closer than it was yesterday because I take action towards it EVERY DAY

The choice not to write is no longer an option because the deeper I go, the more demanding the need to express, release and share my words becomes. In truth, Ive also known that “I would write one day, it was just a matter of living enough, healing enough, avoiding it for long enough until the moment was right”
(Jeff Brown)

After years of wanting and wishing for the kind of life that allows me to feel a sense of freedom to write, I finally am, which is making all the difference to my life NOW and I’m very excited about the possibilities of tomorrow.

My life is changing direction because I made a choice and took a chance

But, nothing about it has been or is easy, because although I follow the calling of my heart, its a call that takes me away from those I love most. And in all honesty, there’s no guarantee that my wildest dreams will actually come true, but I do believe that its becoming a stronger possibility.

Many moon cycles ago, I surrendered

Setting intention to serve the greater good, to open my heart completely, to actively heal and love myself, to realize my souls true purpose and to trust the process as it unfolds. A seed that Universe has been nurturing as my experiences continue to help me grow into my dreams.

You see, being a writer is the process of becoming

As a writer, we not only express ourselves with the written word. We are constantly overcoming internal obstacles that hold us back in the past. We are constantly discovering hidden aspects of ourselves, which brings new perspectives into our present. And we are constantly exploring alternate realities as we experiment with our lives and shape our future.

The world of a writer is one of a great adventure

We each awaken our senses and stumble upon our truths in different ways. For many the journey of self discovery begins with a curiosity about the meaning of life. For some, its trauma that throws us into the endless abyss of self discovery.  And for others a broken heart shatters the world in which we live, forcing us to recreate ourselves.

Regardless of how our journey begins, we all become explorers

Exploring the thoughts in our minds, the emotions in our bodies, the love in our hearts and how the energy within and around us influences our choices and experiences. Explorations that eventually lead us towards our awakening.

As a deep thinker, I first recognized it as a shift in my consciousness

An awareness of an expansion in my mind that was endless, accompanied with a feeling of an expansion in my heart as it beat to the rhythm of everything around me. A change in thinking that brought many more curiosities, which Ive been exploring and experimenting with over the years. Diving in deeper and connecting with Universe and spirit energy. Learning more about how we can flow together and create new realities.

Manifesting the experiences that I need to be on purpose

For far too long I struggled because in all honesty, I didn’t like where my path was taking me. It seemed to keep wanting to lead me away from those things I wanted most, so I resisted. Fear kept holding me back and influencing my choices. So, I kept repeating the same patterns and experiencing the same challenges in all aspects of my life, until eventually the frustrations began to overpower the fear.

 A liberating, but challenging time

Since then the path unfolds with a little more ease because I’m starting to flow with a little less resistance. I have less need to feel in control of my life because I have more trust in Universe and more belief in myself.

Coming to the UK has enabled me to fully surrender to the flow of my writing, but it doesn’t come easily. I suffer the consequences of my choices as much as I celebrate them. Waves of emotion flow in and sometimes linger a little too long for my liking, which is all part of the process.

“Forgive yourself for not being what everyone else needed”

As unpleasant memories surface, this is what sits deep within my heart. The need to forgive myself for not always being the Mother, the wife, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the nurse, the lover and the woman that other people needed me to be.

Oh yes, standing in our own truth can feel uncomfortable at times. Our insecurities are far from pretty, but our shadow just wants to be seen because whether we like it or not, it IS very much a part of who we are.

Is it easy to share our shadows ?  

FUCK NO !!!

That’s why very few people do 

The spirits of those deemed as “witch” still live on within our own hearts

She’s the fierce voice of truth that challenges your reality. Threatening to burn down everything that you know and the very world in which you live in.

The fire that once caused her death is now the very same fire that Goddess arises from. Women who hear the whisperings of the ancestors, heeding the calling of their hearts and returning home.

Alas, women are still being burned for their radical ways that challenge the norm. But they no longer burn on the fiery stake, surrounded by angry mobs and cheering crowds. Those who stand in fear of what she stands for. Now, she is being burnt by love itself and left alone to confront her own fears.

With a promise of rebirth, if she accepts the hand of death and chooses to walk through the shadow lands, where she will learn her deepest truths. Towards experiences that serve a far greater purpose, that she may not yet fully understand.

Heart breaks that serve to break her heart open

Break downs that serve to break her mind open

Shedding old skin, she steps away from any outdated beliefs that hold her back. Liberating herself from the grasp of those who feel challenged by her self determination.

She becomes the mighty warrior and goes to war within herself. As ego and fear try to silence the truth within her heart. In a constant state of unrest, she desperately digs deeper and deeper. Peeling away years, decades and centuries of programmed bullshit.

Because as women, we have lived according to the stories that have been primarily written by the hand of man. Stories that have influenced our choices and continue to shape our experiences. But those experiences are becoming the very stories that we are writing ourselves. Stories that give women a voice and will become our legacy for future generations.

My darlings, the witch never dies, she is forever reborn

Which is why people fear the spirit of this kind of woman

People fear her because she is the voice of virtue. Living her life with integrity and an honesty, that not everyone can appreciate. She dares to speak with an air of righteousness because she no longer shy’s away from her own short comings, she welcomes them. Basking in the glory of her beautiful complex contradictions and many imperfections.

People fear her because she uses the pain of both loss and death as fuel for our growth. She dares to stand up to the patriarchal systems that seek to silence and suppress her because she no longer stands alone. She senses the presence of a silent army that grows stronger, an energy that surrounds and supports her.

People fear her because she threatens to destroy the institutions that continue to oppress our healing and empowerment. She dares to challenge you and refuses to back down from the fight for our greater good. Standing stronger in her own beliefs and more flexible in her thinking.

The flames will never silence the voice of such women

Because the fire in their belly’s will continue to burn down any out dated thinking that hinders the journey. If you choose to stand in her way, then she will burn you to the ground too.

For she IS the storm

A soul with purpose and she comes to create the change that we seek

She’s here to remind us that the Source of Creation beats to the very same beat of our own hearts. To remind us that the energy of Universe is responsive to and flows through our very own bodies. To remind us that Mother Nature is a part of who we are. To remind us that we are the love that we seek from others. To remind us that regardless of our sex, culture or religion, we are ONE.

She comes to destroy all that no longer serves human kind

Here to set us free from our own hurts and fears, that hold us back in a constant state of suffering. Here to show us the way towards experiencing our own magic. Here to support us in our healing and re-connection to divine love.

She is not a witch, she is WOMAN

Mindful interaction ❤

Today, I had a conversation with my work colleague about rape

She told me about men who had raped young women in the neighbourhood not so long ago. Sharing her feelings of fear and concerns for her daughters safety when walking home alone.

But as a Mother, my RAGE was much louder than my fear.

It was interesting then, how our conversation progressed

I NOTICED my collegues fear and concern,
I NOTICED our differing opinions,
I NOTICED my emotions flowing from my gut,
I NOTICED the energy exchange within and between US,
I NOTICED the shift from fear to POWER.

HELLO SOLAR PLEXUS !!!

Fanfookintastic to feel your free flowing energy radiating through me

It was a fine example of how women are RISING in their power

No longer lowering our heads and stepping back in fear, as the weaker sex. Instead, we are standing tall, fists clenched ready to fight any fucker who DARE disrespect us and our body in any way.

ENOUGH !!! … she roars

Then I realized, that THIS is the gift we give each other when we decide to heal the deeper wounds in our own hearts and dare to confront our biggest programmed fears. Because the less our hurts and fears hold us back, the more able we are to STAND in our TRUTH, which is our ULTIMATE expression of LOVE and experience of EMPOWERMENT

And ladies and gents, THAT kind of powerful shit is contagious

However, as women WE also NEED men to be accountable for their own behaviour and actions. Because its not just “bad” men DOING bad things. Too many “good”men are also not DOING the right thing.

Men with good intentions pointing the finger towards the wrong doing of “other men” while failing to be accountable for their own actions.

I NOTICE this happening a lot … Do you ?

Something that triggered a memory

A conversation with my parents many years ago comes to my mind

A story about young men bragging about their weekend conquests, including the rape of a young drunken woman on a bridge. It was a conversation that was raised with intentions of alerting 3 young daughters of the dangers in this world. And a reminder that even “nice” young men can act like total dicks while under the influence of substance or when egged on by even dickier mates.

A memory that reminded me that even back then, at the tender age of around 13 years old, I had FURY in my belly and many questions to ask.

How could those young men think that it was OK to behave in such a way?
How could other men (and fathers) listen, encourage and condone such behaviour?

Why aren’t such men being held fully accountable?
Why aren’t all men standing up and stopping these kinds of conversations?
Why aren’t all men seeking justice for every young woman?

Questions that are STILL very relevant today

Because I could give you so many more examples of both men and women who are not yet standing in their complete truth, struggling to speak from their hearts and challenged with ongoing social expectations.

Good men and women who are oblivious to how their own action (or lack there of) reinforces the harmful behaviour of others.

A challenging concept I know

YES, I see what the “bad” men have done and are STILL doing in this world. But I also NOTICE the behaviour and actions of “good” fathers, husbands and men.

I NOTICE the “good fathers” drooling over the big breasted young woman like a dog on heat, while expecting his own daughter to be treated with respect by other men.

I NOTICE the “good husbands” indulging in porn to satisfy his sexual hunger, instead of focusing his attention on how he can gain more intimacy with his wife.

Sure, its not rape but is it respectful behaviour towards women?

I believe that its not only what we DO but also what we DON’T do, for which we are accountable. And the more accountable we are for our own behaviour, the more ability we have to respond in a more responsible manner for ALL.

Mindful interaction ❤

This isn’t just another tragic love story,
its a story about love ❤

Never able to fully comprehend what lies ahead of her,
she still chooses to follow her heart.

Always heeding the call of love,
no matter where it leads her.

But time after time love has continued to hurt her.
Breaking her heart open,
again and again.

Her demands for more growth, more intimacy and more honesty,
met with abandonment and rejection.

Left to gather up the pieces of her broken heart and face her darkest fears alone.

Yet, she still loves the men who broke her heart

Why ?

Because they each led her deeper

Deeper towards new understandings of herself,

and about the kind of love that she wants to experience.

But, it wasn’t always so

In the past she walked away,
falling into an abyss of despair,
and into the arms of other men.
Sharing her body,
while guarding her heart.

Then love got complicated when her heart connected with his

A connection that knew no time, distance or reason

Although she remained in the shadows of his life,
her heart remained true to him.

Trusting in the truth of their love

A feeling that kept pulling them back together,
again and again.

But, while she was willing to give her all,
he was conflicted with his choices.
And, while she crossed oceans,
he struggled to jump puddles.

A pattern repeated,
time after time.

Until she broke open to the truth

As the final pieces of the impossible dream fall away,
she still holds love in her heart.
Because she no longer questions the love,
and finally appreciates the lesson.

You see,
The woman she once was,
would step back and lower her head in defeat.
Lick her wounds,
and feel a sense of betrayal.

A hopeful heart forever holding on,
refusing to let go of the possibility of more.

But that woman has gone,
burned down to the ground in ceremonial passage through the shadow lands.

The loss no longer hurting her heart,
but changing her forever.

She woke up to her truth

Awakened

Perhaps that was always the purpose?
To destroy the woman she once was,
so she could become all that she was meant to be.

She smiles to herself

Because she no longer blames any of the men who have hurt her,
nor does she expect anything from them.
In fact she has offered thanks,
for breaking her open to love.

Grateful for the gift

Taking full responsibility for her own choices,
accountable for her own actions.
OWNING IT !!!
Because its hers,
not theirs.

Forgiveness that heals her heart and cleanses her soul

Yet she still feels a sense of discomfort inside of her

What is she still holding onto?

“Get into your body,
it has the answers that you seek”.

The whisperings keep telling her.

“Its time to share how the shit fertilizes our growth”

She starts walking,
faster and faster.
As her heart rate increases,
the realizations soon begin to flow.

In the past YOU have used men,
to escape yourself.
Seeking men for comfort, for pleasure, for balance.

For the love that YOU struggled to give yourself

Your body
Your heart
Your choices
Your lessons

No shame
No regrets
No guilt
No remorse

Tears begin to flow,
as she suddenly acknowledges that her soul was free.

Wandering aimlessly

Lost

Afraid to be this free,
with nothing left to hold her back.

No anchor

She feels herself drifting,
seeking something to hold onto.

Her grandparents come to mind

A vision of the devoted and forgiving wife.
Dutiful but unfaithful husband.
And in the distance,
a hopeful woman waiting in the shadows.

A reflection

Their hearts,
her heart.

ONEness ?

A strong sense of spirit surrounds her,
as she falls deeper and deeper into heart space.

Overwhelming emotion pulsating through her veins

Someone hold me !!!
she crys,
as her legs grow tired and knees begin to weaken.

The lyrics of a song plays in the background,
“baby let the light shine through you.”

Words that resonate with her heart,
but thoughts tell her.

“You’re not good enough to stand among the greats”
“Who do you think you are to believe that you can achieve great things?”
“You’re not worthy of the life you want”
“Why do you believe that you are deserving of success?”
“You’ve been a fool in love, so what wisdom do you have to offer others?”

Falling to her knees,
her sobs become more desperate.

No matter how afraid she is,
she still follows the guidance of her heart.
No matter how much it hurts,
she still opens up to the flow of love.

Blind faith guides her

But why must she walk alone?

Does she have a bigger purpose?

or is it true …

Is she just a foolish dreamer?

Lowering her head,
sweat and tears fall onto the ground.
Her body crippled with grief.

Thoughts of,
Dishonest men,
Wanting women,
Cheating husbands,
Compromising wives,
Emotionally detached men,
Needy women.

So many hurting hearts

Then a voice whispers,
“THIS is what you write”

NO !!
she pleads.
“my words would bleed all over the page”
she cries.

Which is why you MUST write !!

Mindful interaction ❤

Today’s writing is brought to you by my GO FUCK YOURSELF mood

If my mood and language offends you, if you think I need an attitude adjustment, if you want to tell me to shut up, sit down and stop over reacting or if you believe that I have no right to feel this way.

Then I say with complete love and devotion for ME

GO FUCK YOURSELF !!!

I am here to stand up and speak out for those of us who are fed up with being led to believe that what we need, want and expect is TOO much. For ALL those women who continue to be disrespected, devalued and disregarded by men.

I am here to remind you that YOU are worthy of LOVE ❤

The wild woman who roars her truth and the Goddess who rises in her power are well aware of their own TOO muchness.

We see how our needs, wants and expectations cause you constant discomfort and we feel the challenges and conflicts deep within our hearts.

We love YOU

Our Fathers, Our Lovers, Our Sons

But we need you to STAND in your truth and RISE so you can stand beside us

Although we accept the consequences that we must suffer, in the name of the path we have chosen and the truths that we seek. We refuse to be forced into submission by those who mindlessly seek to silence us.

I suppose the courage to share my truth is because I have nothing left to loose, and no longer want to hide from the truth of who I am

My emotions flow with less resistance and more ease because the more my heart opens, the more authentic I am in my interactions, without shame or guilt.

A change I WELCOME wholeheartedly, but its a change that still challenges me at times because there’s no more hiding from myself, even if I want to.

And believe me, sometimes I DO want to avoid myself and those uglier truths.

So, today as anger arises and I feel the rage in my belly, I choose to share it.

Ive been reflecting over the ever evolving experience of dating …

How prehistoric man selected a woman and dragged her back to his man cave, to satisfy his primal urges. Then we evolved (a little), selecting our mates based on which family had more land and live stock. Men selecting a woman who could bare him sons to carry on the family name, or a daughter who could be married off into wealth.

My favorite time in history was the courtships and wooing of poets and romantics. But alas, I reached adolescence during the 1980s and so my dating experiences can be summed up as the drunken disco daters. We were the ones hooking up after a night out on the town and snogging down the back lane (how romantic). Although love was our motivator, selecting a mate was also based on who could offer us a sense of security for our future.

Some, were a little more wiser and a lot more fortunate in their selection.

While others, like me, are still stumbling in their experiences of love.

And now we have online dating, which has opened up our opportunities to connect and meet with a variety of different people.

My experiences of dating sites has ALWAYS been insightful and valuable learning, which is probably why I decided to have another go.

So, why did I decide to go back online you may well ask ?

Well, I’m opening myself up to allow NEW male energy to flow into my life, which is something I’m more than ready for and in need of.

Being new to the area, I’m keen to meet new people and although I’m enjoying meeting new women, I miss being in the company of men. I want to sit down and have conversations with men because I value their presence, both in my life and in this world. I want to be wrapped up in the arms of men who care about me. To feel the warmth of their strong embrace because it makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel the giddiness of those flirtatious interactions between a man and woman because I enjoy being playful. I want to fall deeply into love because I like how it tickles my senses. I want to connect, mind, body and soul with the one I choose to share my life’s journey with. And although I dont need a man, I never not want to want a man in my life because I love men.

But it hasn’t taken long to feel the frustrations of POF

Its been 3 days now and a total of 169 men want to meet me, yet only 25 of those men have been bothered to send a message. Granted, my profile isn’t as exciting as it has been in the past and I’m a lot less willing to waste precious time and energy.

But I wonder …

Does this suggest that the men are waiting to be approached by the women (or) are they just passing time swiping through the multiple pretty faces, while sitting on the couch scratching their scrotum’s ?

The men who did capture my attention seemed nice enough. So I gave them my number and we exchanged a few messages .. then it got interesting.

I was keen to learn more about the man behind profile one because we shared similar interests. Conversation was flowing and I actually found myself fantasizing about romantic strolls in the park (tragic I know). However, he decided that it was perfectly acceptable to leave the conversation abruptly, without acknowledging the question I had just asked. If the said question was a tad too bold then I may have understood, but it was

“Whats a highlight of your job?”

Although I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, especially when I noticed that he was showing up as “online” on the dating site, I didn’t. I just carried on with my evening and went to bed, deciding to give him time to respond.

Then morning came and I decided NO !!!

I wasn’t going to wait around for a response and instead I was going to let him know, that although he seemed like a nice chap, he definitely wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to get to know more. A message he promptly responded to, which annoyed me because he still hadn’t responded to the question sent 12 hours previous. When I explained that I found his behaviour to be disrespectful, his response was “well, you’re not the woman for me because you’re TOO NEEDY”

Hmmmmmm … I admit, the delivery of those words stung a little and for a brief moment I did actually question my own behaviour, in fear of being too needy. Fortunately it was only a passing thought, which was soon followed by the thought …

Damn straight I am … I not only need respect, I fucking DEMAND it !!!

So, I politely wished him well on his search and once again carried on with my day, but I was annoyed because why was it TOO much to expect respectful communication ?

Then came man behind profile number 2, who was keen to add me to Skype, telling me that he had gone off POF, before we even had a conversation (WTF?) Then half way through chatting decided that it was acceptable to abruptly end our conversation without explanation. Then a message “You seem lovely but I’m just looking for fun”

Arrghhhhhh !!!!

At this point I was a little hurt if I’m honest and for a moment felt the fear of being unworthy of the kind of love I want. Fortunately it was only a passing feeling, which was soon followed by a fire in my belly that made me FEEL the ANGER that I had only previously acknowledged.

I felt angry about the amount of men who continue to devalue women by disrespecting our feelings and how easily those we love can disregard us.

Oh yes … its a very personal as well as a collective experience we share !!!

Being the curious kind of woman I am, Ive always had a lot of interest in our experiences of love. I suppose my multiple challenges has had a lot to do with it. Struggles that often leave me wondering why some of us fall in love, marry, raise a family and grow old together. While others seem to feel challenged in relationship after relationship.

People like me, who refuse to settle and stay in relationships because its what we “should do.” Instead, driven to follow our crazy hearts towards deeper understandings about love and life. Towards experiences that bring disappointments and heartache. Experiences that are intended to break our hearts open, shatter our worlds apart and enable us to recreate ourselves. But at times its a very isolated and lonely journey and we get tired.

I know I’m not alone with my frustrations, which is why I often feel compelled to openly share my challenges in love. Because I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. I’m here to remind you that there are others who are opening, learning and growing in love, who are not yet in relationship with their significant other.

YOU are not alone and YOU are loved regardless of your relationship status

Mindful interaction ❤

 

 

A woman’s labia majora are those luscious outter lady lips that some call

“camel toe”

A part of the female anatomy that’s getting a little more attention of late

” The Camel Toe Cup “

Nope, its not a joke and if you’ve been keeping up with the Kardashian’s, then you’ll know all about the products available for the camel toe. But if this is the first time you’re hearing about it.

Then you’re welcome 😊 hahahaha

I admit that I was intrigued by this product when it popped up in my news feeds the other day, even more so as I read through some of the responses to it. To be honest I was a little concerned by the “its disgusting” comments by other women and wondered …

Did it suggest a belief that larger labia lips were gross or was it related to a belief that enhancing this particular body part was considered to be socially unacceptable.

Then I got to thinking about other female body parts that women enhance

The cleavage is probably one of the most sensual and sexual aspects of a woman, which has been enhanced and appreciated for centuries. Yet flash a bit of nipple and people start to get excited and uncomfortable.

Of course, context is everything, but there are conflicting opinions about breast exposure.

I tend to believe that its totally acceptable to see a woman baring her breasts while bathing on the beach and perfectly natural when a Mother is feeding her hungry baby. However, admit that I would feel a tad uncomfortable seeing a topless woman walking through a supermarket, which makes me wonder that perhaps the camel toe enhancer may have its place ?

What if we decided to rock the body we are in NOW no matter how big or small ?

What if we decided to love and care for our bodies instead of judging it ?

What if we ALL looked in the mirror and liked what we seen ?

Call me a radical but what if we stopped judging others based on what the fuck they look like or what the fuck they wear and focus more on WHO they are ?

 Mindful Interaction ❤

Hungry for truth,
I seek those willing to bare their delicious souls.
A longing to hear words that fall from open hearts.
Words that tickle my own truths.
Yearning for conversation that stimulates my mind,
as I fall deeper and deeper into my consciousness.

Although I’m grateful for daily niceties and positivity,
share with me how you dance with your shadow.
Although I appreciate the funnies that tickle my funny bone,
share with me how you keep your tender heart open to love.

Dare we drop the masks that we hide behind,
and talk about our deepest hurts and darkest fears ?
Dare we start conversations that matter,
to deepen our understandings of life and love ?

Although I believe that both life and love is unfolding just as it should,
Sometimes I struggle with the consequences of my choices.
But during those times its pointless wondering why,
because my mind doesn’t yet have the answers.

All I can do is rise up to the challenge,
feel my way through the struggle.
Trust my heart knows the way and grow from the experience.

Mindful interaction ❤