A trip to the hairdressers can be one of two things. It can be a wonderful experience that improves your mood, increases your self esteem and makes you feel fanfookintastic (or) it does the complete opposite.

I wonder …

Why does our hair mean so much to us ?
Why does a bad hair day effect our mood ?
Why does a tragic hair style devastate us ?

Today, is the perfect day to explore this because I now have a hair cut that makes me look like Lloyd Christmas (Dumb and Dumber) and Bubbles de Vere’s (Little Britain) love child. I’m sure my trauma will bring you all a giggle. 

Feeling fat, frumpy and frizzy, I decided to treat myself to a new hair doo. Fairly confident that I was gonna walk out feeling like a new woman.

Instead, I felt a little agitated from the get go. As the young lass began to tell me all about the date she was going on. With a nice young man who was gonna pamper her with love. She hit a soft spot because I miss spending time with the man I love.

But I listened attentively, praising her for not settling for anything less than she deserved. Then watched as she proceeded to chop the length of my hair off, without even blinking an eye.

Gulp !!!

I asked for the funky spiked look with feathery lengths down my neck. I even showed her a photo of the style I wanted

Now what ???

“No need to panic Tracey, you were contemplating a shorter style anyways, so just flow with it ” I told myself.

So, I browsed through some images to find a shorter hairstyle that appealed to me. And found this sexy Stone number.

Although the hairdresser started to focus a little more attention on what she was doing and what I wanted. She continued to tell me a little more about herself, which was starting to annoy me because I was making no further enquiries.

To be honest, I haven’t been in a very sociable mood lately and didn’t want to engage in conversation, especially small talk. I just wanted to sit in silence.

“Why won’t she just shut the fuck up” I thought to myself. “Don’t be so rude, she’s just being friendly” I rebuttled.

Gazing into the mirror, I watched as she created a hair style that looked nothing like the picture I had shown her AGAIN, which only annoyed me more.

And it went from bad to worse !!!

The blow dry made me look like a fuzzy wuzzy troll, which I’m sure my sisters would have found amusing. Because not so long ago they introduced me to Bridget from the “Troll” movie. A character with whom I share a few things in common … apparently 🤔

But all this was doing absolutely nothing for my self esteem. I felt worse than I did before I went in, which began to upset me. Throughout the entire hair cut I had openly expressed my displeasure and concerns. Doing my very best to flow with the fuck ups, but when the ordeal was finally over, it all became TOO much.

Yup, I was that over sensitive woman tearing up in the salon. But not wanting to make a scene, I fought back the tears and said that I needed to get out of there. So the lass in charge told me I didn’t have to pay today. Suggesting we make another appointment for next week to fix it up. “Just let me get out of here before I make a complete fool of myself.” I thought.

Once out of there, the flood gates starting to come down. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Standing on the escalator, the tears began to flow.

Fuck !!!  Fuck !!!  Fuck !!!

For the love of God I’m crying in public AGAIN and I look like a fat fuzzy troll.

All the way home in the car, I cried and cried and cried. The kinda tears that come from the guts. Heart wrenching wailing that felt like I was birthing something … the RELEASE !!!

Hmmmmm … I thought to myself 🤔

It was only a friggin hair cut !!!

Why the heck did it feel so traumatic ?
Was my upset really about the hair cut ?
What if it was a catalyst for the release ?
What had I learned from this experience ?

As I pondered over the questions, I soaked my sorrowful self in the tub. My very own pity party in the bubbles as I wallowed in the depths of my emotions.

Allowing what ever flowed to surface

Truth is, it’s all about the growth: Releasing some more unhealthy attachments, having a good soulful cry and giving birth to new aspects of self.

So, I got out, stood infront of the mirror and assessed the damage. Not sure I wanted to go back to the salon and “fix” the mess. I wondered if I could just avoid mirrors for the next 3 months.

Don’t be daft ya fool 😂😂😂

So, how can I funk up the doo ?

I had a play around with some hair products and straighteners. And as usual, it’s not as bad as it seemed. I’m adjusting to the new look and thinking about getting some of those funky feather clips, to lay down my neck ☺

Note to self …

I’m making it my mission in life “to not merely survive, but to thrive: And to do so with some passion, compassion, humour and style” (Maya Angelou)

Mindful interaction ❤

Sometimes I ask myself
Is it OK to feel how I feel?
And I wonder,
Why do I need permission to feel?
Why do I devalue my own feelings?

Sometimes I ask myself
Is it OK to believe what I think?
And I wonder,
Why do I feel the need to challenge my beliefs?
Why do I constantly question my thoughts?

Sometimes I ask myself
Is it OK to do what I do?
And I wonder,
Why do I believe that my actions are wrong?
Why do I doubt myself?

Sometimes I need to give myself permission
To BE whatever the fuck feels right for me
And flow with whatever shows up for me
Without feeling the need to justify myself

Why should I be someone I’m not?
Why do I struggle to stay true to me?

I don’t want to do what’s wrong
But I don’t want to do what’s right either
I want to be fully in the reality of what IS

I wonder …

What if the polarity is an illusion?

Positive/Negative 
Good/Bad
Hope/Fear
Love/Loss
Light/Dark

Aren’t they all part of the whole?
An experience to be had in its entirety
To live life fully is to embrace ALL of it

Yet we struggle

Truth is,
We fight to be all of who we truly are
It’s an ongoing battle within ourselves
As our light struggles to shine
During our darkest of times

Those are the times we must dig deeper
Those are the times we must hold tighter
Those are the times we must open wider

During the storm
Nothing is as it seems

While I try to stay strong for you
I feel weary

While I try to stay positive for you
I feel defeated

While I try to offer you reassurance
I feel unsure

While I try to be of support to you
I feel shakey

Sometimes I ask myself
Is it OK to drop the mask?
And I wonder,
Why am I afraid to show you?
What are you afraid to see?

My energy moves in ebbs and flows
My thoughts aren’t always useful
My emotions aren’t always pleasant

But they are real !!!

The days come and go
Rolling into each other
Time seems irrelevant
Yet so very important

Sometimes I feel so very alone in my struggle

I know who I am
But why is this happening?
What is it teaching me?

Just when I think I get it
Universe delivers more
The challenges seem relentless

Sometimes the fear gets a firm grip
And I’m propelled back into the depths
Into my mind
Where the shadows lurk
Falling into an abyss of darkness

What is to be found here?

Sometimes the anxiety takes hold
And I’m suspended in panic
My breath becomes my focus
A reminder
That we control nothing

I surrender !!!

Life just keeps on happening around us
As we are tossed around inside of our bubble
Life is so very wonderful
But it can also be so fucking cruel

The fun fair isn’t much fun
When we can’t get off the roller coaster

Mindful interaction ❤

Yesterday, I dropped Dad home after another big day at the hospital with Mam. Both of us ready for an early night and a good sleep. But I needed to go check in on my daughter who had sent me a message, letting me know that she was feeling unwell again. “But don’t rush me to emergency,” she said … Hmmmmmm 🤔

Turned up to find her with a raging fever of 39.9, feeling aggitated, with fluctuating obs. A pulse spiking 131 and blood pressure that jumped to 134/116 within 10 minutes … Hmmmmm 🤔

“Get in the car Missy,” I said

NO, it wasn’t Mumma intuition.

Because just as before it was my daughter who prompted me by her own intuition. She knew herself that she didn’t feel right. But was seeking validation from her Mumma to ACT upon it.

My darling girl had been suffering for afew days before sending me the message, which makes me wonder 🤔

Why don’t we trust our own knowing ?
Why do we choose to suffer ?

She was admitted overnight again, with the same course of action to treat this lingering infection (chronic tonsilitis). IV antibiotics, fluids and steroids. Another followup app with the GP tomorrow and referral to see the ENT  docs to hopefully get the tonsils out ASAP !!

My daughter doesn’t comfortably or easily communicate. So it’s no surprise to me that this has physically manifested itself. Because blocked energy begins a process of events that occur at a cellular level. And this is how our body communicates with us. I believe that we are guided towards our own healing.

Yup, I know there are many of you reacting to what I’ve just said. And in truth it bothers me a little that even my family roll their eyes at some of my thoughts and feelings 😜 hahahaha

But, I believe that deep down you already know this truth yourself. An inner knowing that many of us are relearning how to reconnect with.

Truth is, I care a little less about how crazy you think I am. And I care a little more about how my own inner knowing is better serving me. And I strive to help YOU to better trust YOURSELF ☺

Mindful interaction ❤

During our challenges
We instinctively step back
But I step forward
Out of the crowd
I want to be seen
For ALL of who I am
The pain
The confusion
The doubt
The fear
But I’m censored
Because all of my experiences
Are influenced by others
My sharing is mine
But its yours too
We are ONE in the same
I feel resistance
Surrounded by fear
I drown in my truth
Mindful of your discomfort
Tension that stifles us both
I breathe into this space
Exploring the energy
Where is the blockage ?
Why doesn’t it flow ?
How am I resisting ?
What am I holding onto ?
I fear being seen
Because you may not like what you see

Mindful interaction ❤

Fear,
it sits in my gut,
rumbling.

Its late at night,
and I lay on my bed.
Unable to sleep,
gazing upon the ceiling

A heavy feeling,
that tells me.
Something doesn’t feel right.

Doctors are planning.
Nurses are doing.
But in the silence there’s a sense,
that somethings coming.

A knowing that tells me to prepare.

But my heart holds onto hope,
and the grip tightens.
Causing an inner conflict,
that brings tension.

My thoughts are messy,
and my heart is racing.
So, I breath,
deeply.
To relax,

But my body tenses.
Bracing itself,
as the fear begins to move.,
up from my guts.
Slithering up my spine,
like a snake.

A darkness,
that spreads up the core of my being.
And a claw,
that reaches out to grip my heart. Squeezing.
Ripping it open.
As if my heart was a piece of fruit.

Releasing raw emotion.
And I FEEL,
the disabling pain of loss,
as I succumb to my grief.

I acknowledge the fear,
and allow the feelings to flow.
But its relentless,
and wants more.

The darkness shows me.

And I SEE,
flashes of images,

I’m in a hospital hallway,
my legs weaken,
and I’m falling.
Down to the ground,
onto my knees.
Crying unconsolable tears.

Then I see myself standing in a room,
surrounded by my family.
Feeling conflicted,
because I’m unable to comfort them all.
As each heart breaks open,
the pain in my heart intensifies.

A room full of broken hearts 💔

OMG !!!

I dont want to see any of this.
I need to see the healing.
PLEASE let me see the healing !!!

A whisper …
This IS the healing.

But my mind screams,
NO … not like this !!!

I barter,
I beg,
I plead,
I pray.

Do you hear me ?
Are you listening ?

I will continue to serve.
For the greater good,
I SURRENDER !!!

Haven’t I released ?
Haven’t I dared ?
Haven’t I trusted ?

I only hold onto my dreams.
So take all I have to give.
It’s yours,
for her life.
I surrender it all !!!

A whisper …
This IS the dream.

NO !!!
I scream,
THIS is the fucking nightmare !!!

A whisper …
It asks,
What lies at the core of your fear ?
What bleeds from your heart ?

I know its LOVE,
but this is TOO much.
My family deserves none of this !!!

A whisper …
The great dreams of dreamers,
are always transcended.
So rise above the fear.
Let your family’s love lead the way.
For its in the darkest of times,
that light shines the brightest.

Truth that resonates,
As reflections of my own healings,
run through my mind.
An understanding,
that we must feel to heal.

I breath,
deeply.
My heart beats.
Da dum da dum da dum da dum.

A sense of calmness sweeps over me.

I visualize fear,
no longer within me.
But as a dark figure,
that stands in the shadows.

And I notice,
the light radiating from my core.
Warmth,
and an overwhelming feeling of love.

The figure bows its head,
in respect.
Acknowledging defeat.

Overcoming my fear,
doesn’t feel like I thought it would.
Instead of standing victorious,
it humbles me.

A knowing that fear is not my enemy,
but an ally in the battle within myself.
Guiding me deeper into the darkness,
where I’m able to confront myself.

A whisper …
We close our eyes when we feel afraid,
but open them and you’ll see.

A sense of gratitude,
for what fear came to give me.
I bow my head,
in respect.

A gasp,
escapes me.
As I awaken.

Was this a dream ?

Mindful interaction ❤

Dear Diary,

I know the importance of SELF CARE so why do I continue to fail myself ?

I awoke at 1am with a shocker headache and a nauseated tummy. Something that could have been prevented and reminds me that I may be smart but not always so clever. And I’m so very sorry ❤

So, up I got for a big guzzle of water and washed down 2 paracetamol. Sat on the loo and had a good clean out (thanks to Mam’s homemade pea and ham soup). Poured myself a cup of tea and started to write …

My choices have been questionable 🤔

On Father’s Day I binged out on sugar, reflective of my need for comfort.

It’s a day when I’m reminded that my family isn’t the way I imagined it to be. Choices that continue to impact upon my cubs and at times I struggle with that. It was a day I missed them and the man I love because I was surrounded by couples and families. And even though it was MY family, it made me think and feel things that lingered beneath the surface.

Awaiting to be expressed.

I choose not to process and fully FEEL the feels as they flowed. And the following day I didn’t pay attention to my own body’s need to rest during the day or drink water and eat while at the hospital with our parents. Instead, I was wrapped up in conversations and discussions. Then later in the evening I choose to drink 2 glasses of wine with dinner.

I acknowledge that it was a choice to self medicate overwhelming thoughts, instead of processing and once again fully FEELING the feels. I also acknowledge that my body has less tolerance for sugar and alcohol.

Hence, why I woke feeling so shitful !!!

Why did I choose to avoid myself ?
Why did I choose to punish my body ?

A limiting belief .. “Im not as important”

Hmmmmm 🤔

Do I believe this as truth ?

Fuck NO !!!

How often do we say this to ourselves ?

I see so many other Women expressing this belief often. Especially during challenging times. But that doesn’t mean its right. I continue to witness my own Mother and Friend choosing to think about others before themselves, even during their cancer and chemo ordeals. And in all honesty it makes me frustrated as fuck.

Why do they prioritize others ?
Why do they avoid themselves ?

Mam and I have had afew deep and meaningful conversations about this. Because it’s something I continue to challenge in myself.

What if there’s a better way ?

I believe that during challenging times it’s our responsibility to take better care of ourselves. DEMAND it if we must because WE deserve the kind of love and concern we give so freely to others. So that we can be of better support to others. And I strongly believe that until we choose to dive IN and explore ourselves. We will continue to believe our bullshit. Those self limiting thoughts that deepen our wounds.

What are the Mother/Father wounds ?

Its NOT about pointing fingers and blaming our parents for what they did wrong. It’s about how our individual experiences have been influenced by collective thinking. It’s historical, it’s cultural and it continues to shape our personal experiences.

Like any wound it either festers or heals

The state of our wounds shape the kind of Woman/Man we are, influences the quality of our Mother – Daughter/Son and our Father – Son/Daughter relationships. Determines how we experience intimate love with our partners and ourselves. And ultimately influences our health and well being.

Therefore, exploring our wounds has the potential to reprogram any limiting beliefs and HEAL some of our deepest heart hurts, that are preventing our ability to SELF LOVE ❤

Imagine living a life deeply CONNECTED to yourself and Nature. FREE to flow with the wonderful energy of Universe.

I believe that’s how we create magic 😊

As I write, my head still hurts, my tummy feels upset and I’m farting like a trooper. But it feels more like a purging of toxins. And so I welcome the process, SURRENDER to the experience and meditate on the RELEASE ❤

I bought a new journal, made myself comfortable, picked up a pen and began to write a few paragraphs, before reminding myself that I was going to BLOG my thoughts and feelings as they flow, instead of journalling them.

But its proving to be a little more challenging to DO than I realized. Because journal writing is a very personal process. For me, like many, its how I explore, navigate and better understand my “inner world”.

The part of ourselves we don’t share so easily, for fear of judgement …

My journals are full of questions that I ask myself and ponder over, hopes and dreams I’m actively working towards, tensions and conflicts I explore, challenges and fears I acknowledge and strive to overcome, triggers I identify, problems I seek solutions to, wounds I’m healing and the thoughts and feelings about my every day experiences.

ALL of my writing helps me to clarify the many thoughts that run around in my head and any emotions I struggle to fully understand and express.

My inner tensions and conflict …

Thoughts and feelings that are NOT always positive, pleasant and at times may not make much sense.

Like you, some of my thoughts can be irrational, illogical, pessimistic and conflicting. Like you, some of my emotions can be uncomfortable, confusing and difficult to express. Like you, some of my experiences are a little more challenging to understand and explain. Like you, I sometimes wonder if others think and feel the same way I do.

Hence why I share my writing …

But if truth be told, I’m never completely certain that I want to share some of my inner most conflicts and tensions so openly with you. In all honesty, when I feel judged or misunderstood I retreat further into myself and don’t share.

I am a very open person but I’m always mindful of those involved in my life. So, I often procrastinate before sharing my words. But I believe that we all benefit most from sharing the real stuff.

Because our inner dialogue shapes our individual experiences and determines the quality of our relationships.

Mindful interaction ❤