Anticipatory grief …

If you’ve never heard of that before, than google and have an insightful read. Because it explains how the grieving process isn’t something that happens when someone we love dies.

As a family, our grieving began the very first day that our beloved Father was diagnosed with cancer. We grieved the loss of the hopes and plans that our parents had for his retirement.

Each of us responded to that grief in our own unique ways, neither way right nor wrong. Then we were hit with the devastating diagnosis of our beloved Mother. Something that hit our already hurting hearts with an almighty blow.

Mam’s experience has been different to Dad’s from the get go. Forcing my sisters and I to confront the harsh reality of this situation far too soon. Forever conflicted between hoping for the best, while preparing ourselves for the worst.

A grieving process that brings us closer

I keep seeing our family as a structure, each playing a vital role in how we function together as a whole.

Our beloved Mother, the HEART ❤
Our beloved Father, the MIND
My sisters and I, the BONES

(Back bone, funny bone, wish bone)

During this time, the heart of our family is breaking OPEN as a whole. But I see it as something that serves a far greater purpose than breaking our hearts. I don’t believe that loss is only to make us suffer. I believe that heart breaks are the growing pains of our soul.

A belief that continues to navigate me through the darkest storm of our lives. Because no matter who we are, where we come from or what our relationship is like, the loss of our beloved Mother is something that we ALL feel.

But I also believe that Death isn’t the end.

A belief I share with my family, and it’s something that also guides us through these darkest of times.

For me, this is another life experience to learn and grow from. Something that unlocks hidden aspects of my heart, mind and soul. Providing me with deeper understandings about myself and the influence I have on others.

But don’t be fooled because there are many times when I feel overwhelmed by my conflicts and concerns. Times when my mind and heart are at war with each other, striving to find a sense of balance.

Truth is, it’s difficult to stay focused on the bigger picture when our hearts are breaking open. Because our thoughts are irrational and our emotions intense.

But I’m learning how to trust in the challenging process of change.

Truth is, no matter how much we want things to stay the same. The ebb and flow of life will continue as Nature intended. So during our most darkest of days, I hope that my family and I continue to express love from our open hearts and allow our lights to shine.

Because at the heart of our grief there is nothing but LOVE ❤

Mindful interaction ❤

I’m sitting in the lounge room with my parents, writing as they sleep ❤

Listening to the humming sound as the oxygen concentrator pumps air into Mam’s lungs and the wheeze that she exhales as she sleeps. Looking at Dad curled up on the couch, asleep.

My younger sister’s in the spare room cuddled up with her hubby and I’m awake. Because I chuffed of to bed much earlier in the night. For some much needed sleep and rest catch up.

Mam’s been sleeping for both England and Australia lately, but last night she had some broken sleep. Pushing her body a little too far and she suffered for it. A woman who once walked for miles and miles, now struggles to walk afew metres.

Its distressing to see her suffer 💔

But as she sleeps peacefully beside me, I smile as I think about the warrior woman she is. A fighting spirit that still shines through. And I reflect over those little things that she said and did during the few hours of wakefulness.

Like shaking her head at me being a silly bugger. Grabbing her phone, fumbling with the camera to take a photo of me wearing cheezles on my fingers like rings. Ever so cheekily demanding a massage and sharing whatever pops into her mind without a social filter ☺

We had a big day of visitors yesterday and it brought many a smile to her dial. But it also takes alot of energy for her to present her best self to you all. That’s why we ask that people be mindful of their visits, for all of our sakes.

As a family, we ride a roller coaster of emotions that can become overwhelming.

It’s wonderful to have her home ❤

We’re blessed with the love and support of family, friends and community services. But none of that stops the fear from surfacing and the sadness in our hearts from hurting. However, it does ease some of our anxieties and for that we are ever so grateful ❤

The nurse in me sees things that the daughter doesn’t want to see, which can cause me alot of inner conflict. Some of those words I shared with you yesterday.

As a woman who chooses to be open, it feels right to share parts of my inner most experiences with you. But I’m a litte more mindful about my sharings these days.

Because these are trying times for us all. So I want my words to touch your hearts gently, as I express my truth with as much honesty as I can.

Mindful interaction ❤

Dear Diary,

I’m no stranger to the dying process, having worked in Aged Care for 17 years. I’ve cared for so many people during their final stages of life.

So, why does it feel so hard to care for you, our beloved Mother ?

Death continues to teach me so many valuable lessons about life, as I overcome some of my darkest fears.

So, why does it feel so hard to rise above the fear and step into love ?

I can honestly say that I consider it a privelage, to be in the presence of spirit. As the energy of a being, reunites with the Source of all Creation. My sisters and I are so very grateful to experience the cycle of life. Here by your side, the woman who’s womb we birthed from.

So, shouldn’t I consider it a blessing to be a part of this beautiful process ?

Hmmmmm, I wonder …

Why doesn’t it feel the way I had hoped?
Why is there so much resistance?
Why the fuck do I struggle to flow?

Because you are my beloved Mother ❤

Truth is,

In those few hours of wakefulness its easier to convince ourselves that you might bounce back from this ordeal. That this is just another obstacle for you to overcome. And maybe, just maybe, you will prove them all wrong.

But the nurse in me keeps seeing things that the daughter doesn’t want to see.

Everyday we see how the fight gets harder and harder for you. Everyday we see you getting weaker and weaker. And as your deep sleeps get longer and longer. We see it for what it really is.

Our Mother, slowly slipping away from us. And try as we might, there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop it.

We feel helpless !!!

The Doctors never promised a cure, but their treatments offered you more time. But as the beastly cancer continues to feed, I fear that time is closing in on us all too quickly, and I’m scared.

So I focus my attention on your request to be pain free, comfortable, cared for at home and to die with dignity.

Truth is,

We all want so desperatly to wake up from this nightmare and get off the rollercoaster ride of emotions. But we stay fully present, by your side. Riding these turbulant waves with you.

During this storm of all storms 💔

And just when we think that we’re getting a handle on things, yet another challenge is presented that we must confront and we loose our grip.

But as a family, we’ve been compared to a flock of geese. When one falters the others takes over, giving the one lagging some much needed rest and support.

I love that most about our family ❤

Although we sometimes challenge one another, there’s no judgment. We love, accept, respect and cherish each other. But that doesn’t stop our own individual challenges, nor should it.

As nurse/carer and daughter, I struggle

Conflicted between what I hope for and the reality of what is. Torn between what’s expected from me and what I’m capable of achieving. Tormenting myself with feelings of failure whenever I think I’m letting you all down.

Truth is,

Accepting what is, is hard enough. But preparing myself and others for what’s yet to come, has ripped hope from the hearts of those I love most. Something that causes my heart great distress.

I’m trying so very hard to stay strong, so that you feel safe and secure, but at times, I struggle. So I dig deep and pray to the heavens above for the strength and support I need to get through this.

We all do !!!

Because caring for your end of life at home isn’t easy. Our hearts are in a constant state of anxiety.

Why don’t I feel calm ?
Why can’t I find peace ?

Fears demand to be confronted. Forcing me out of my mind and leading me into the heart, where I feel this experience most intensely.

This isn’t how I want it to be !!!

I know I must release myself from my fears and surrender to the flow, yet I hold on. Afraid that you’re slipping away from this world all too soon.

Although I believe that death isn’t the end, but a transition of energy to be embraced. I’m not ready to let you go. I don’t want to give up the fight. I want to hold onto your physical form, tightly.

But as your struggle intensifies, I notice how I seem to gain more comfort when your body is resting peacefully in sleep. Something that causes me great conflict, because it reflects a sense of comfort with you resting in peace.

How can I be at peace with that ?

I explore my fears a little further and realize that I’m afraid that your death won’t be the peaceful transition I hope it will be. And I’m afraid I won’t feel you close when your spirit is released into the cosmos. I’m challenged by the need to surrender to this dance with death.

A whisper …

“A body is not me. I am not limited by this body. I am life without boundaries.
I have never been born and I have never died. Since before time, I have been free. Birth and death are only doors
through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide-and-seek. So laugh with me, hold my hand, let us say good-bye, say good-bye, to meet again soon. We meet today. We will meet again tomorrow. We will meet at the source every moment. We meet each other in all forms of life ”
(Thich Nhat Hanh)

A conversation with Universe ❤

I remind myself,

That the reason why I believe that there’s so much more to life. Is because death has opened up my eyes to things that life could never show me.

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind, melt into the sun, fall upon the stars and become as one with the light.

So, I hold onto my faith.

I trust that it’s the love we feel for one another, that gives us the strength we need to get through this. And I hope and pray that you will find peace. So that death can kiss you gently.

Our beloved Mother ❤

Suffacated,
by my own thoughts and feelings.

A struggle to be in the presence of too many and to be asked to do too much.

My emotions flow as one with the rain
My energy moves as one with the wind

Turbulence

Noises that irritate
Things that annoy

One minute needing people close
The next challenged by their presence

Inner conflict that brings a state of unrest

Confusion
Aggitation
Frustration

I feel myself drifting between worlds

Fighting back the tiredness, that threatens to take me into the abyss.

Fear that wants to drag me back, into the darkness of my mind.

Tensions are rising
Anxieties are building
Challenges are intensifying

Triggers
Exposed nerves
Sensitivities

Feeling overwhelmed

I need to break free from myself
To walk amongst the silence
Seeking solitude
To reconnect with Source

So I can process my thoughts
And express the sadness in my heart

RELEASING what no longer serves me

Inhaling fresh air,
into my grieving lungs.
Filling them with love.

The mountain was calling a little louder today. Because I was feeling extra sensitive and felt the need to temporarily pull myself away from everyone. To process my conflicting thoughts and walk with overwhelming emotions. I needed to be in Nature and reconnect with Source.

My soul heeded the call and off I went.

As I wandered slowly but steadily up the track, I was overwhelmed by the beauty. Each time I climb this mountain my senses are tickled. But when I’m alone, it seems to speak to me. Tis why she calls to me most on these rainy days. Because not many people climb in the rain, so there’s less distraction and more opportunity for my energy to deeply connect with her.

The air was fresh and the rain drops were ever so cool. I’m definitly a woman who feels the rain, because I love how the rain falls upon my head and kisses my skin.

A mist with a haunting beauty danced inbetween the trees and I sensed the presence of spirit walking with me.

The fairy wrens flew across my path and the robin came into sight as I expressed gratitude for the connection.

The trees greeted me like old friends, some of which invited me to step closer. As I wrapped my arms around the trunk, in loving embrace. I felt the life force beating between us. Gently pressing my heart and brow against the tree, I asked my mind and heart to be cleared of any lingering negative energy.

As I carried on walking, I reflected over many of my past experiences.

My sisters and I have been talking about our childhood alot lately. Yesterday we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I remembered, that as a young girl, I enjoyed playing with my imagination and wanted to be a teacher.

I suppose nothing much has changed because I still drift between worlds and often get lost in my wild imagination. Something that keeps opening me up to new experiences that stirs the writer.

But my understanding of teacher has changed. I now believe that I’m no wiser than any other. I can only live my life in the best way that I know how.

A whisper tells me …

“Be gentle with yourself” ❤

It’s OK to admit when we’re struggling.

I don’t believe that any of us should feel the need to prove that everythings going well all of the time.

Truth is,

We DO struggle with our challenges.

It’s the reason WHY it is a challenge.

I believe,

That strength isn’t pretending to be strong when we feel the most afraid. It’s having the courage to fully flow with our experience. To open up our hearts and sit with the rawness of our feelings.

Allowing emotion to rise and fall.

Sometimes we DON’T feel OK

Truth is,

It’s scary to confront our fears, it hurts to feel the agonizing grief of our losses and it’s painful when our hearts break.

And nothing about that feels OK

But I do believe,

That our greatest challenges are opportunities for transformation, which requires complete honesty.

Although its difficult to accept what is and SURRENDER to the flow. It’s essential to acknowledge that our tensions and struggles are a neccessary part of our souls growth.

Appreciating that my triggers and conflicts are rarely about the surface issue, and more about my own unhealed wounds. Guides me through those times when I struggle most with my challenges.

Truth is,

I’m not always OK and that’s OK

Mindful interaction ❤

Life … its all about the journey

Full of experiences to be enjoyed, lessons to learn, problems to solve, love and laughter to share and challenges to overcome.

Although my family and I have been on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Ever since Dad’s cancer diagnosis a year ago. As a family, we continue to flow through life with a sense of gratitude that often amazes people.

So, I wondered to myself 🤔

Where do we get the strength from ?

I believe …

That as a family we are stronger TOGETHER

Because …

First and foremost, we all appreciate and celebrate our differences. We understand that neither of us are perfect, nor expect each other to be. We are forgiving of one anothers stumbles because we understand the need to learn and grow. We are brutally honest with ourselves and each other because we value truth. We look upon life as a blessing. But most of all we LOVE one another deeply ❤

As I reflect, a beautiful story begins to emerge

The Mother, who is the heart of family and the COMPASS that guides us home, as we strive to balance our inner feminine energy.

The Father, who is the mind of the family and the THINKER that keeps us grounded, as we strive to balance our inner masculine energy.

And the Sisters, who are the bones 😊

Each one an important part of the individual

The back bone, who encompasses the strength that is the LOVE within us.

The wish bone, who encompasses the hope that is the LIGHT within us.

The funny bone, who encompasses the humor that is the LAUGHTER within us.

I believe …

That as a family, we come to offer something of value to YOU ☺

A reminder of how each and everyone of us brings something of value to one another. That even during our biggest fears, deepest wounds and greatest challenges, we ALL have the ability to RISE, HEAL and SHINE.

I strongly believe …

That there’s beauty in ALL of life experiences

YES,

Sometimes we need to look a little harder to see the BEAUTY in the midst of chaos.

Sometimes we need to dig a little deeper to find the BLESSING during our challenges.

Sometimes we need to break open a little more to feel the LOVE when it hurts to breath.

Sometimes we need to think very differently to be GRATEFUL for the struggle.

But I believe …

That the more we fully SURRENDER to life, the less resistance we have to the flow. Afterall, we are a part of Nature and the energy of Universe flows through our very being. We are the LIGHT and LOVE with an ability to CREATE the change that we seek ❤

A question that pops up alot, but I wonder 🤔

Do you really want to know how I REALLY am?
Can you listen without feeling uncomfortable?
Are you willing to see the real me?
Will you remove your mask if I drop mine?
Can you hear my truth without judgement?
Do you have the courage to explore my fears?
Are you strong enough to see my pain?
Will you see the beauty of my vulnerability?
Can you refrain from wanting to fix me?
Are you able to sit with me in the darkness?

Truth is, not everyone is ready for honesty ❤

Depression, Dis-ease, Dememtia & Death,
are the dreaded D’s of DOOM.

That stir up our deepest fears,
lurking in the darkness.

Making the unconscious CONSCIOUS

Where we fight our inner demons,
in the shadows of our own minds.

Struggling to find the balance,
between our dark and light nature.

To harmonize the energy within …

Into a state of being that reconnects us,
with self and the Source of all Creation.

I give it no name, only describe what it IS.
The life force that IS our energy.

A sense of ONEness,
where we are FREE to fully flow with life.

A place where …

Our heart beats with the pulse of Nature
And our soul vibrates with Universe

The place of ULTIMATE LOVE ❤

When we vibrate with this frequency,
our life force flows with love, not fear.

We have an appreciation of who we are.
And an acceptance of what IS.

A state of being that radiates beauty,
when our light shines the brightest.

A sense of wholeness from within,
when our happiness comes from self.

An equilibrium that harmonizes us,
with our environment.

A truth that we live as one with all,
because we are ONE.

What if we truly BELIEVED this as truth?
Would we better understand the fight?

What if we TRUSTED the process?
Could we navigate through the storm?

What if we REFLECT upon it?
And see DOOM for the MOOD it is …
A temporary state of being.

Would our experience change?

What if there’s purpose for the storm?
Could it become meaningful?

What if our suffering is a state of mind?
Would we transcend our pain?

What if we RISE above our darkest fear?
Could we activate our power centre?

What if we HEAL our deepest hurts?
Would we be the medicine we seek?

Hmmmmm I wonder 🤔

Mindful interaction ❤

This is for the fallen ones …

Those who allow life to touch them 💔

The one’s who open themselves up fully to experience life in its entirity.

The truth seekers, the mind explorers, the star gazers, the heart healers, the moon worshippers, the fairy whisperers and the magic makers.

I believe in YOU ❤

Our world needs you to show us what IS possible when we begin to awaken to our truth on this planet. So, please don’t hang your head in shame or suffer in silence. Lead us into the darkness with the light that flickers brightly inside of you. Share the love that radiates warmly from you and be our guiding star.

I believe …

That everytime we open up our hearts to love, we dare to pay the price of loss and risk feeling the deepest of our hurts. But the more our hearts break open, the more wounds we expose, hurts we heal and the more love we feel for self and others.

I believe …

That everytime we open up our minds to think, we dare to confront the hidden parts of ourselves and risk feeling the darkest of our fears. But the more we expand our consciousness, the more fears we rise above, fearless we feel and more powerful we become.

I believe …

That those who dare to open up their hearts and minds are the warriors of love and light. Who undergo a daily internal battle of integrating the darkness and conquering their inner demons. Releasing themselves from any limiting beliefs that hold them back. Letting go of what no longer serves the greater good. Surrendering to something far greater than you or I.

I believe …

That the natural vibration of life energy is neither positive nor negative, but a combination of both, which creates WHOLENESS

I believe …

That positive & negative, light & dark, good & bad, masculine & feminine and night & day are all polarities of the same life energy, which we constantly strive to balance within. Therefore negativity reflects a resistance to this balance, which acts as our inner compass that navigates us well through life

I believe …

That balancing our individuality with the collective can create harmony within ourselves and the world around us.

So, my darling, if you have fallen into the darkness or are paralyzed by your own fear, then know this. You are a warrior of love and light …

and I believe in YOU ❤