I’m reflecting over the reike and card reading I had yesterday …

I was in dire need of some assistance with an energy cleanse and balance. I decided not to tell her anymore than that, because I wanted to ensure that spirit was guiding her. She suggested doing reike before reading the cards, to ensure I was in equilibrium. So from the get go she recognized my needs. Laying on the table, I focused on surrendering to the process and my breath, while she began to clear my chakra centres.

As energy shifted, I experienced the odd sharp pain in my back, under the shoulder blades, which I attributed to the grief in my lungs. I felt the usual heaviness in my head, and as expected, waves of emotion released from my heart. Uncontrollable waves of energy that made my face quiver, like an ugly cry. My eyes rolled and my body trembled, but only a single tear fell from my eye, which I thought was odd.

Afterwards she said I had alot of dark energy around my thighs, legs and feet. It wasn’t negative but it was a void. As if I was refinding my sense of security and in search of my tribe. She cried, when she told me that my heart chakra was open and almost crystalized, and one of the purest she had ever experienced. She recognized that I’m usually able to clear and balance my own energies, but understood it was too heavy for me to clear and balance alone.

Yup, she was guided by spirit ❤

Although I had been preparing my heart for Christie’s transition, the confirmation of her death threw my soul into a state of despair. And I’ve already acknowledged how our parents death, has shaken my foundations and it triggers my yearning for external support.

Having told her nothing about my inner conflicts, I was confident the cards would now offer the clarify I seeked.

A card flew out while I shuffled, so we set it aside. It was a dark, but receptive “feminine energy” card, that reflected my need to retreat into the void, to balance and heal. To be in a place that enables me to work with my divine Goddess power. Affirming that I’ll know when its time to come back into the bigger world.

She suggested, while Moon was in her darkest phase, to draw upon the stars. To leave a glass of water outside, asking it to be infused with star energy, then drink it when I wake. Having had many reincarnations, she said this will help my soul receive what it needs to bring the past and present together.

Yup, the work I’m doing in my nest 🌟

The first card she drew was the “inner child” reaffirming my need to nurture and express this part of myself. Clarifying how my creative flow will benefit from this energy. To release myself from high expectations and create from a place of joy. This is how I’ll write from my highest self and serve the Greater Good, which will support others and attract my tribe.

She drew two fire cards next, that represented my passion and rebirth. A willpower card, that represented my ability to uplift others and empower their power centres. But she clarified a need to strengthen my own solar plexus, so I can stand more confidently in my knowings.

Hence my need to retreat into my cave

The Lapis Lazuli card was drawn in my relationship sector. I was intuitively drawn to this crystal afew days ago. It helps to access higher realms of understanding, which I felt I needed. She affirmed my ability to see the path that others take, but clarified a need to stay true to my own path.

The courage card was in the communication aspect, which reinforced my need to have the courage to take my writing to another level. She got goosybumps when she spoke about this, which we both knew was a good sign from spirit. Clarifying my need to heal and PLAY, so that I can create from a place of joy and healing.

My message from spirit was a fire sign and new beginning. Although unsure how it will evolve, it clarified a connection I was feeling.

She talked about the reprogramming of the software in my mind. And I got goosybumps because it’s the process I’ve been trusting …

To break free from the limitations of my mind, which is our cultural conditioning, that creates the collective conscience. To BE more fully in my heart space, so I can FREE the spirit and connect with Source energy. This is my understanding of our spiritual awakenings.

Yes ❤ Yes ❤ Yes ❤ Yes ❤

The final card she drew in the centre was the Moldavite, which represented transformation. She said the changes I’m going through aren’t small because this was a storm card.

Major life changes !!!

After the reading we spoke about how to strengthen the bridge between our hemispheres. How our soul seeks to deepen understandings, broaden perspectives, increase awareness and expand consciousness for the Greater Good. I was glad I went because I came out feeling a little less conflicted and a little more certain of myself.

Grateful for the support I received ❤

It’s with a heavy heart I write this …

I’m having my cuppa at my sister’s home this morning, listening to the rain while everyone is sleeping (I’m feeling the urge to go stand in the rain to cleanse). Keza brought me here last night because it was a tough day. I recieved the message I’d been waiting for, but dreading.

“The life support was being turned off”

So, I was given the opportunity to see my friend, which I’m eternally grateful for, because I needed to touch her warm body one last time. She passed away peacefully yesterday avo. Although we talked openly about death and both have faith. Although I believe her spirit has been drifting between worlds since last week. Although I sensed her presence when the “locked” shower door flew open last Wednesday. Although I’ve noticed the black crow/raven frequently crossing my path. Although she visits me in my dreams. Although   her love and support continue as a spirit guide.

My heart breaks 💔

She was more than a friend, she’s my soul sister. I feel the heaviness of my loss, but my heart understands the hurt in her family’s heart. Although unafraid to die and accepting of the cards she had been dealt, like our Mam, she didn’t want to leave her beloved children. She has 4 gorgeous kids, all under 25 yrs old. And 2 beautiful Grandchildren, whom she adored.

It’s times like this, I struggle to wrap my head around the BIGGER purpose and meaning of life. Although death isn’t the end and our soul is on a journey, there’s so much loss to bare.

Not only have I lost our parents and a best mate, within the space of 3 years. We’ve also lost our Nana, a cousin and an Aunt. Then there are our Family friends who have lost their parents too. And several family and friends who are still on the battle field with cancer.

I drank afew whiskeys last night, which is never the answer, but meditation wasn’t easing my racing thoughts and overwhelming emotions.

My light’s a little dull at the moment and my heart feels heavy. So, I’m booked in for a reike and card reading session this morning. To help balance my energy and give a little clarity.

To those reading this with a heavy heart

I LOVE YOU ❤

I’m getting used to settling into bed early and rising with the birds, which seems to better suit me. It’s nice to be flowing with my natural body clock, which has been one of my dreams in life.

Another dream was to live a simple life, in a cozy little space, where I could focus more intently on my writings. I imagined my days to be filled with writing, meditating and drinking whiskey in the evenings. Although it’s not quite what I had expected, I am doing just that.

I wonder if my other dreams are unfolding ?

My sleep was restless last night because I was drifting in and out of dreams. The kinda dream we keep waking from, but return to. The details are foggy this morning. I was on a trip, but for the life of me, I can’t recall who I was with me. I do recall moving between colours of all things. The colours red and green were prominent, which represent the base chakra (our inner wild woman) and the heart chakra (our inner Earth Empress). They also represent STOP and GO.

In my dream I recall moving through these colours to find meaning. As I did flickers of gold began to create beautiful geometrical shapes within the colours. I kinda felt like a spider weaving a web within creation itself.

This morning I woke feeling a little confused by it all. I wondered if the new stones I bought yesterday had anything to do with it ?

Cherry Quartz – Heart chakra (green). A female stone and healer of emotional wounds.

Lapis Lazuli – Opens both our 3rd eye (higher consciousness) and our Throat chakra (communication). Enlightenment of dreams.

Fire Agate – Fires up the Base chakra (red). Security and Safety. Grounding and Supportive. Returns harm back to Source.

Hmmmmm 🤔

I’m keen to get stuck into some work. Today I plan on working with the heart chakra, which is connected to the Goddess Demeter. An archetype that involves our relationships with our Mother (inner crone) and our Daughter (inner maiden). Even though my Mam is in spirit, our relationship still influences my life.

It’s time to dive a little deeper into the Collective Conscience, and how the Mother wound subconsciously affects us.

As I read through my Mam’s journals, the gap between us that often caused conflict is closing. We had a very close relationship, but we challenged each other. My life’s choices often caused my poor Mother so much worry, which made me feel like the “bad daughter.” It was difficult for Mam (and me) to understand why I did what I did and felt how I felt. Fortunately, she knew how much I loved her and I knew how much she loved me. But isn’t it funny, how you think you can’t possibly love someone anymore than you already do. Only to find yourself falling deeper in love with them. That’s how I feel as I read Mam’s journals ❤

I wonder how my daughter and sons will feel reading through mine when I’m gone? I was talking about that the other day with Jods.

Another wonderful synchronicity involved my son yesterday. Before CJ picked me up I was reading an entry from Christmas 1978. Mam was telling us, she bought Dad an identification bracelet. When CJ and I were at Yam, he picked up the little ceramic pot, that Uncle Bryan had made for Mam. Inside it was Dads bracelet and a little bracelet that was mine as a little girl.

Spirit keeps touching my life in wonderful ways such as this. Reminding me that death isn’t the end. Nudging me to share the magic with YOU.

Anyhoo, have a GREAT day y’all ✌😍

My sadness flows in waves, but our parents are great teachers. I say “are” because even in death, they continue to teach me. My faith is stronger than ever, so I keep surrendering to what IS. Opening myself up to spirit, which I understand to BE love in its purest form

I won’t lie, there’s plenty going on around me, that has the potential to throw me into a state of deep fucking depression. In truth, I’m often thrown into the abyss of darkness. And why wouldn’t I ?

In the space of 3 years we’ve lost both of our parents to cancer, I’ve fallen in love twice and each relationship has ended. I’m living alone in a caravan on a drive way, I’m not earning any money because I can’t bare to go back to a job that no longer feels like my work, which has been my life’s work for 20 years, so WTF do I do now? My best mate is on life support because of a fatal brain infection and I’m so very unsure of my direction. It’s enough to make anyone fall into the depths of fucking despair.

Yet here I am …

Feeling how I feel, doing what I’m doing and basically just allowing myself to BE

But HOW ? you may wonder 🤔

Well, I’ve been exploring grief and loss for 20 years, so one would hope I’ve fucking learned something. For 20 years, I’ve LIVED what I’ve studied and researched. Both my personal and professional experiences have deepened my understandings. And I’ve gathered the tools and skills I have personally been experimenting with.

The human experience has always fascinated me, hence my curious nature and rebellious spirit. Reading through my Mam’s journals, I can see how even as a child, this challenged and amused others. It’s a real blessing to be reliving the past through my Mam’s eyes.

I’ve been purposefully and mindfully drifting between the past, present and future for years now, which is why I can fully appreciate the great quotes …

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present” … “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” … “The future depends on what we do in the present” … “Learn from the past, live in the present and believe in the future” … “The past gives us experience, the present is where we experiment and the future is an expectation”

Sometimes my life really does feel like one BIG adventure, but isn’t that the purpose of life ? To live a GREAT one !!!

I have visions that aren’t always pleasant and often don’t make sense. I’ve been called to service from an entity I’ve never seen, yet know exists. I’ve been on quests that have taken me through hell and back, many times over.

For years, it feels like I’ve been living in 2 very different worlds. I feared, that if I openly talked about my challenges and struggles, I would have been committed to a psych ward. So, I found ways to ground myself, to maintain a sense of reality, while drifting and exploring.

It’s MY shift from fear to LOVE as I experience it. And it’s the long journey home, that we’re all invited to take.

In any given moment we have CHOICE

So, I choose to breathe into my challenges and focus on the lessons I’m learning. I remind myself that I also have so much to be grateful for, because I’m blessed in so many ways. I choose to flick the switch in my brain and choose LOVE and gratitude, instead of fear and suffering. YES, life can get fucking hard, but its still fucking beautiful. ALL of it, even the tragedy 💔

I suppose it helps that I dont believe that death is the end. So in my mind, I see our parents on their next wonderful adventure together. I’m grateful to feel their spirit and sense the magickal worlds of other dimensions and realms.

Maybe I’m just fucking crazy, but in the words of the Great John Lennon …

I know I’m not the only one ✌😍

So, I pose the following questions …

What if other realms and dimensions are an insight into other forms of reality, that WE have the ability to create? … What if its possible to accept the unacceptable? … What if its possible to achieve the impossible? .. What if we drop the masks and share our truths ? .. What if we stopped coping with our grief and instead, learned the tools to process it more effectively? .. What if we just fucking screamed at the unfairness of it all ? .. What if we felt safe enough to break open to FEEL the pain of our loss? .. What if we cried openly? .. What if we FALL and RISE as many times as we need to, until we release and heal ? .. What if we can do more than survive our loss? .. What if we can thrive and grow from it? … What if there IS another way of BEing?

These are the questions I’ve sat with for many years. The questions that have been encouraging me to move into the space of WHAT IF to explore another way of BEing and sharing in the world.

And it’s making all the difference …

I dare to shine my light in the darkest of times because this IS the magick my soul is here to share with YOU 🌟

Can you feel the LOVE from beyond the veil? … I can 😊 always and forever ❤

Oh how I LOVE and miss those beautiful cheesy grins 😍

I started to write this blog back in August 2019, but didn’t share it because I was struggling with a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. I wrote it only a few weeks after Dads death, while I was reading through Mams journals.

Thoughts of Mam and Dad flow into my mind on a daily basis, which still stir a variety of conflicting thoughts and feelings. Its why Im here, seeking the support I need to find peace with those conflicting truths.

I believe, to improve the quality of our relationships, we need to improve the relationship we have with ourselves. Although this blog was written in reference to romantic love, ALL of our relationships, friendships and social interactions are influenced by how we think and feel about ourselves. Therefore, isnt it logical to want to improve the relationship we have with SELF ?

Over the years, I’ve learned to value the solitude and freedom of being single, just as much as I value being in a loving and committed relationship. I’m neither afraid to be alone, nor am I afraid to open my heart to someone new. I can honestly say that I fully appreciate both experiences equally, knowing only too well that both have their own set of challenges.

When it comes to love, I refuse to settle for less than we both deserve.

Although I don’t strive for a perfect relationship, I openly admit that I DO want to experience an extraordinary kinda love. And believe that we are ALL worthy and deserving of sharing that experience with someone. I don’t believe it’s an unrealistic dream to have because its something I’ve seen with my own eyes.

Our parents had an extraordinary kinda love ❤️

They met and fell in love when they were only 15 years old, and were together for 50 years. They were legit, each others ONE and ONLY. It was a love that grew deeper and stronger over the years. Neither of them were perfect and they had their fair share of challenges and struggles, but their love really did conquer all.

I grew up observing how our parents loved one another …

I seen them holding hands when they walked
I seen them cuddling up together on the couch
I seen them wrapped up in each other while they slept
I seen them teasing and tormenting one another
I seen them misunderstanding each other
I seen them argue and fight
I seen them suffer when they fought
I seen them kiss and make up
I seen them being playful and passionate
I seen them trigger and push each others buttons
I seen them learning and growing together
I seen them never giving up on each other

Our parents taught me that relationship was wonderful, but not always easy.

Some of the most traumatic memories I have of our parents end of life, was seeing them loosing each other. Baring witness to that kinda suffering triggered something deep within my heart and soul, which my mind still struggles with.

Im gonna share an experience with you …

We had brought Mam home from Dove, knowing we had reached the stage none of us wanted to be at. Mam was sleeping deeper and for longer, so we had very few wakeful moments with her. A friend had dropped off a record player, so Dad was trying to awaken his beloved from her deep sleep with the sound of music. He played songs from their youth and songs she loved, in the hopes of triggering a reaction from her. She continued to sleep, until he played …

“There goes my everything” by Engelbert Humperdink.

Like many others, its an image that has been forever imprinted into my brain because it was felt so deeply with my heart. Mam was sitting on the recliner chair and Dad was sitting on the puffy beside her. Their foreheads were gently touching and they were holding each others hands. Although there were no words spoken, there was so much being said. I recall my sisters and I standing in the room, feeling like we shouldn’t be there because it was so intimate. As if we had just walked in on our parents making love. Although it was a beautiful sight to behold, it was far too painful to watch, so we left.

We stood on the drive way and held each other as our hearts broke 💔

This song was played twice more and it broke our hearts each time 💔

While Mam was taking her final breaths, I picked up my phone to play her some songs. The first song was her favourite “Life in a Northern Town” by The Dream Academy. The second was another song she loved “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. The third and final song was one I didn’t want to play.

I recall looking at my sister, saying “I wasn’t sure which one to play next.” Her reply was, “YES you do.” She was right, I did, but I didn’t want to feel the agony of those words again. But, we knew it was the song Mam had chosen to say her final farewell to her beloved. To Dad, her ONE and ONLY

As the song played, all of our hearts broke and when Mam took her final breath moments later, I felt a part of myself die with her.

Its taken me all day to write this blog because as the memories flow, so have my tears. I hit PAUSE while searching for “There goes my everything” to share with you all. A flicker of red caught the corner of my eye. It was a male King Parrot sitting in the tree outside, which automatically made me think of Mam. She loved them coming to feed in the garden at Yam.

Not long after she died, I had an up close experience with a King Parrot …

I was staying on my ex hubby’s property, seeking solace in Nature, getting ready to confront my first night alone. My youngest son had spent almost a week with me, but he wasn’t keen on being confined to a tent if the rain was settling in. My daughter was gonna stay with me, but she had been called in for a Centrelink appointment. And my eldest son isn’t really keen on camping, so I was preparing myself. It was a secluded rural block, I had no car, limited charge on my phone, it was a Full Blood Moon and a storm was blowing in. As I sat thinking about the fear I knew I had to confront, a King Parrot flew down from the tree and perched itself on the rope of the tent beside me. I was surprised how close he came, as he wandered down until he was at my eye level. I couldn’t believe what he was doing, but when I gazed into his eyes I had a strong sense of Mams spirit, which both comforted and upset me because I felt both love and loss in my heart at once.

Feeling a connection with the King Parrot in present time. I got up to open the screen door to take a closer look, and thats when I noticed the other one. Both the male and female were together. It was no coincidence that they showed up when they did. Whether it was Mam and Dads spirit itself doesn’t matter to me. I know such synchronicity as divine timing. A sign from Spirit, Nature, Universe and the Source of ALL Creation itself, that we are ALL part of something far greater than we can ever fully comprehend.

A revelation …

The evolution of our consciousness is a generational process

Each generation playing an important role, which is WHY our healing matters.

Our parents taught me the importance of communication and compromise in relationship, but my lessons needed to expand beyond their experience of love. Not ALL relationships are destined to grow because not all of us are destined to fall in love and BE with our forever loves. Some of us grow in different directions and experience a variety of different relationships. However, regardless of HOW we learn and grow IN love, our journeys are similar.

I recall the many conversations I’ve had with my Mam over the years, woman to woman. I openly shared my challenges both in relationship and as a single mother, and she (reluctantly at times) shared hers. Although our experiences were different, we shared similar tensions, conflicts, challenges and struggles.

Women are beautiful complex creatures of contradiction, with a strong desire to express and share ourselves in relationship. We grow deeper in love when we are encouraged and supported by our partners to DO that.

But what does it mean “TO BE IN LOVE” ?

My understanding of BEing in love has changed. I noticed how I started to reject the concept of “falling in love” because I had a stronger desire to RISE in love. I didn’t want a man to complete me, I certainly didn’t want to be rescued by a man and I acknowledged my resistance to need a man. The rejection and resistance soon revealed NEW realizations, which continue to guide me IN to explore the shadows of my inner masculine and feminine. To learn how to take full responsibility for my own experience and balance my own energy …

So I can BE the love instead of seeking it from other.

As I read through my Mam’s journals, I recognized the same need to express and share her inner tensions and conflicting truths as I do, but she struggled to get to the core of her challenges. SELF LOVE wasn’t really encouraged nor supported in her generation. It was seen as being selfish. It was more important to BE a good Wife and Mother, and she was one the BEST, but she was so much more than a Wife and Mother. She was a WOMAN with a wild heart, BIG dreams and restless spirit, who wanted more than the mundane routines of life.

I recognized myself in her ❤

Which is probably why we challenged each other so much

Mam achieved her dreams …

To share her life with the man she loved. To have a close relationship with her daughters. To move overseas and explore new lands. To live her best life in a place she described as being “paradise”. To watch her family grow. And to live a good life surrounded by the love of family and good friends.

Dad achieved his dreams too …

To share his life with the woman he loved. To provide for his family. To be a good Father to his daughters. And to live long enough to see his Grandchildren.

Acknowledging that makes me smile 😊

 

 

Happiness is no longer my goal in life …

WHOLENESS is ❤

Regardless of being single or IN relationship, I’ve never bought into the “he’s my other half” and “he completes me” bullshit. I apologize if that offends any of you who are living that truth, but it needs to be said. So, if I haven’t pissed you off too much and you’re still reading, thank you for keeping an open mind.

Regardless of our gender or sexual orientation, we all have masculine and feminine energy flowing within us. And when these energies aren’t balanced, we can experience more inner tension and external conflicts in relationship.

What is the relationship with yourself like ?

I notice how I sometimes struggle with myself when I’m alone, especially when I’m feeling sad and lost. My inner child wants to be comforted by her Mother and to feel safe with her Father. So, when neither my Mam nor Dad are there for comfort or security, my inner Eve seeks it from her partner. When she doesn’t have a partner (or) if her partner isn’t fully present for her, then she feels a sense of lacking, which intensifies her sadness and she feels abandoned.

These are the tensions I lean into 😊

Hence why I was guided to reconnect with my inner Goddess and work through Tanishka’s sacred union meditations. I want to improve the quality of my sacred relationship with SELF.

I’ve just wrapped up the first of our 7 energy centres, which is the base/root chakra, where we experience and express our inner Lilith and Pan, which is our inner WILD man and woman.

Primal and passionate, they stay true to their heart’s desire and have a strong connection to Nature. I can’t speak for Pan, but Lilith flows with the moon cycles and seasonal changes.

This is the part of us who stands confidently in our truth, even if it means standing alone. The part of us who refuses to hide and surpress the truth of who we are. The part of us who rises above the shame and guilt and says …

I am who I am and I am worthy of love

Rejecting and surpressing parts of who we are is how our shadow is created, which is why I’m so passionate about expressing my truth.

When our shadow grows, so does the darkness

Truth is, I may have a positive attitude but I still struggle with negative thoughts. I may have a cheerful personality, but I still suffer from dark moods. I neither reject nor surpress this truth.

I allow the thoughts and emotions to flow, but I no longer attach to them. I believe I am more than the thoughts I think and emotions I feel.

I am a beautiful BEing of love and light

My inner Lilith is well grounded and stands so much more confidently in her truth. She puts the whooo in my Arrrrwhoooooooooo 🤣

Now, to move up to the sacral chakra, where my inner Aphrodite is awaiting my attention 😊

I’m drinking my cuppa this morning, alone at Yam. Too many thoughts are racing through my mind, so I observe the flow and focus on …

How do I feel ?

My heart feels NOTHING …

NO emotion, NO anxiety, NO ache and NO pain.

I wonder, is this inner peace or am I numb ?

Then I notice that Dad’s chair is empty, the curtains are open and the blinds are up. The nothingness now feels like emptiness. As I sit in Mam’s empty chair, looking over to Dad’s empty chair, a sense of sadness begins to flow, and the waves of grief begin to lap the shore.

The tears begin to flow because I still struggle to accept that they’re both gone

Dad was a traditionalist, so he would want the curtains closed for a week after his passing. We sat and dwelled in the dark for days, weeks and months after Mam’s death, because it felt like the light had gone from our lives.

Yup, she was a shining star alrighty 🌟

Reluctantly, I honoured Dad’s tradition on the first day of his passing, but struggled. I didn’t want to dwell in the darkness one minute longer. After months of having the lounge room blinds rarely up and the curtains often drawn. I desperately needed the light and air to fill my BEing, before the darkness consumed me.

I no longer fear the dark, but I refuse to dwell in it. I don’t avoid the darkness because I know this is when my inner light shines the brightest.

I am the WISH BONE afterall 😊

I hung a crystal in our parents bedroom when Mam was dying. We surrounded ourselves with crystals because we embraced their healing energies. I intuitively need to bring the light into the dark, but light began to hurt Dad’s eyes. So the only time we could open up the curtains wide, was whenever he wasn’t in the room.

It became my morning routine to open up the bedroom blinds and watch as the sunlight shone through the crystal, creating rainbows that bounced all around the room. It was a little something, but it did shift the energy.

YES, the light does still shine through the darkest of times. Sharing the light isn’t hard to DO, it’s as easy as opening up the curtains, to allow the sun to shine IN 🌞

Mindful interaction ❤