Standing back

Focusing on the good

Staying positive

Hoping for the best outcome

But a nagging sense of dread sits just beneath the surface

A feeling we acknowledge …

but refuse to say out loud for fear of breathing life into it

“Trust the vibes you get because energy doesn’t lie”

How do we stand back and be OK with our bad vibes and feelings of dread ?

We ADJUST our thinking

How do we not scream this fear out loud ?

We MUST be completely honest with ourselves

How do we stop ourselves from wanting to repetitively warn those we love ?

We TRUST the process

I believe …

Our need to share our worry and concern for others is more about our own fear

Our need to protect and defend others is more about our own hurt

Our need to influence the choices others make is more about our own self

I acknowledge such truths

Yet as a Mother, how do we separate our fear, hurt and self from our child ?

How do we stand back and watch as their hearts break open ?

How do we stand back and watch as they live out their nightmares ?

How do we stand back and watch as shadow takes them into the darkness ?

How do we stand back and watch as their inner demons dance with them ?

Motherly instinct wants to shield, shelter and save them from themselves

But we must stand back

Standing behind them ready to SIT with them if they fall

Yes … sit with NOT catch

Because when we catch we seek to break their fall

We must be willing to lay down with them in the darkness

To be OK with where ever it is that they are

To do nothing more than BE completely present to what is

To be nothing more than BE completely open to what flows

Allowing OUR emotions to flow more freely gives our child permission to FLOW

Resisting the need to fix, rescue or save gives our child permission to BE

Being honest and open gives our child permission to be more authentic

By standing in our own truth we give our child permission to stand in theirs

Our role as Mother begins to change …

We allow our children to make their own choices and follow their own paths

We allow our children to create their own experiences

We allow our children to bring light to their own darkness

We allow our children to learn and grow

But how do we allow it when sometimes we struggle to accept and embrace it ?

By reminding ourselves that although they will forever and always be our child

They are also growing men and women becoming ALL that they can BE

Responsible for their own choices and consequences

We learn how to take less responsibility for our children

I believe …

As we learn how to embrace our own fears and hurts as valuable opportunities of growth. We also learn how to embrace the fears and hurts of others

Is it easy ?

FUCK NO !!!

Sometimes it can feel like we are in the very depths of hell

As we struggle to overcome our own demons that are created by our own fears and dance with our own shadows that are created by our own hurts

But when we DO

Something beautiful begins to happen

We no longer run from the pain and suffering

We embrace it

The pain takes on new meaning

The suffering has new purpose

We transform our demons into allays and our shadows cast off more light

Being more consciously aware of our own negative behavioral patterns and unhealthy attachments, we are better able to look past our own suffering and start to see the bigger picture

Where we are ALL connected in both our LOVE and our SUFFERINGS

Yesterday …

My heart broke open as I watched my daughter say goodbye to her best friend

My heart ached as I reflected over the past 5 years

So many changes

So much loss

So many gains

Our pets become an important part of our lives, our learning and our growth

Like many, my daughter prefers the company of animals to people

Because animals never hurt or disappointed us like people do

So the death of our pets has always been a deeper sense of loss for her

Weve loved and lost many animals over the years, too many to mention

But this blog is about the connection my daughter has with her beloved dogs

First she lost her sister, Sasha

Our beautiful Husky who was part of our family for 16 years

Then the tragic loss of her best friend Saffron

Our fiercely protective companion we brought home from the dog shelter

and now Laska, her fur baby

A beautiful little soul who came to her when she needed her most

Taken away from her far too soon

None of us would have ever believed it would have ended in this way

None of us prepared for such a twisted plot change

None of us happy about the outcome

But I stand back and I watch

As my daughter sits in the eye of her storm

Confronted by both the very best and the very worst in others

And she rises

She rises above the drama by focusing on what matters most to her

As my daughter lives out the reality of her nightmare

Confronted by both the very best and the very worst within herself

She learns and she grows

As Mothers …

Sometimes we get it right

Other times we get it so very wrong

As Mothers …

We continue to learn and grow as our children do

As Mothers …

We stand back and we watch as our children become ALL they can BE ❤

At the moment I have very few words to speak out loud

Only …

My darling, I’m so very sorry for your loss

Unspoken words flow freely from my heart and fall down onto the keyboard

As once again, I bare witness to your broken heart

Mothers instinct wants to hold onto you ever so tightly and take away the hurt that rips you open

But I know I must stand back, hold space and allow you to feel it

To grow from it

So I hold you and my heart breaks open too

Our tears flow from somewhere deep

Yes, we’ve been here before

And each time its as hard as the last

What is the purpose of a dog ?

A dog comes into our lives and teaches us about unconditional love

They challenge us to be better

Offering us faithful companionship and trusted friendship

Wagging tails and slobbery kisses

Expecting nothing but our time and attention to the present moment

But what if our doggy selection holds a deeper purpose ?

What if a dogs soul is reincarnated and comes back to us ?

We recently spoke about how Laska reminded us of Saffron

Both of them having similar uncanny features and personalities

  Did Saffrons soul return to settle unfinished business ?

Its no secret that my choice to put Saffron to sleep still haunts me

Feelings of guilt still linger

Because as a protective mother I never gave you the option to be present

So here we are again …

In the veterinary surgery, but this time Laskas weak body lays on the table

And I’m so very very sorry that you must go through such pain again

Unable and unwilling to stay strong

My heart opens

Tears flow

And I bare witness to you …

My devoted daughter stroking your beloved little one ever so tenderly

Completely present as she takes her final breath

And I’m in awe of your courage and your strength

Time and time again you teach me so much about life and love

Over and over again I admire and respect the amazing woman you are becoming

As tragic and unfortunate as this is

In the depths of my heart I know the universe orchestrated something we sometimes struggle to understand

Both Saffron and Laska were brought to you because you needed them and they needed you

I believe that a soul is connected to yours

I trust that when the time is right the universe will bring you back together again

Today, we say farewell to her flesh

But know this …

Her spirit energy will forever and always be with you

You will hear it in the roar of the waves that lash up against the shore

You will see it in the twinkle of a star

You will feel it in the gentle breeze that blows soft kisses on your cheek

My darling, I love you so very very much ❤

 

This month the Goddesses worked through the chapter on Aphrodite, our inner beautiful muse. Tanishka led us through our experience with our own Aphrodite energy and then we gathered in circle to discuss it with each other

According to the stories carried down from history, Aphrodite was born from domestic conflict. Her Fathers castrated genitals were thrown out to sea, which produced a white foam that she arose from as a fully grown beautiful woman. The townsfolk married her off to Hephaestus (a humble blacksmith with a crippling disability), who was unable to satisfy Aphrodite’s appetites, so she had passionate affairs with other men

Eventually leaving Hephaestus, she had 2 children with Ares (the God of war). And later had a 3rd child with Hermes (the God of wisdom). The 3rd child was a hermaphrodite (with both male and female sexual organs), which is said to be symbolic of her healed and whole emotional state

Aphrodite is the Goddess of love, desire and pleasure. She is our inner beautiful muse who is driven by a strong need to heal any childhood wounds, though coupling with her opposite

We dont need to look far to see her presence within our world

  Fortunately we are learning how the Barbie dolls we buy for our little girls reinforces an unrealistic expectation of beauty and body image. We are also learning how the beauty and fashion industries have impacted negatively upon the self esteem and self worth of women

The main lesson of this energy is SELF LOVE ❤

Our inner beautiful muse teaches us how …

To appreciate our own unique beauty

To clarify romantic intentions and admit our flirtatiousness, to avoid hurt

How to free ourselves from destructive attachments with those unable to love us

To acknowledge we can only love another as much as we love ourselves

To not seek out prince charming who rescues us from our unhappiness

To own our inner victim and strengthen our ability to meet our own needs, instead of seeking out men to “rescue” us, which creates unwanted karma drama

To take steps to heal our deep emotional wounds

To practice compassion for self and others, regardless of imperfections

To tap into our senses to fully appreciate the experience of pleasure

She challenges us to experience transcendent love without needing the “other” to act as a catalyst, which avoids creating dependent relationships formed from unhealthy attachments

Aphrodite influences our SEXUAL and our CREATIVE energy

According to Tanishka this energy vibrates within our SACRAL CHAKRA, which is located in our pelvis. This is our inner child and pleasure center, where we experience our world through feelings and sensations

This energy is full of EMOTION because its our heart space of FEELING, which influences our creative abilities and our intimate relationships

Many of our challenges in this chakra is related to our social conditioning

Living in a Western culture, feelings are not valued as much as a rational mind. We have been taught to trust the logical process of thought more than our hearts

Our passion and emotional reactions are often frowned upon. We have been taught to not loose control and so we become more and more disconnected from our bodies and from our feelings. Instead of feeling our experiences fully as they happen, we learn destructive psychological self defense mechanisms

We avoid, deny, suppress, regress, act out, repress, dissociate, compartmentalize, displace, project, intellectualize, rationalize and compensate

Fortunately, as our inner wild woman AWAKENS (Lilith) she teaches us how to RECONNECT

Living in a Western culture we are surrounded by SEX because it SELLS !!!

Yet on the other hand we are also challenged with cultural shaming around sexual issues, which results in blocked or excessive energy in this area

As a highly sexual and creative woman I was VERY challenged by this chapter

I confront multiple lessons as my relationship with SELF changes

I continue to experience lots of conflicts and challenges within my intimate relationships, as I consciously focus on my own healing, change, personal development and spiritual growth

  The first time I attempted to work through this chapter, I resisted because I was still in the midst of a heavy heart hurt. I had ended a relationship with a man the previous year and during the healing process was unexpectedly reconnected with an old love (for a 3rd time). A man who came back into my life with the same complications, who ultimately broke my heart open again

During this heartbreak I choose a lover who kept my heart open, who was the catalyst for some deeper healing, to whom I’m very grateful for

But oh yes, my love life was in a bit of a mess !!!

Something that obviously needed to be addressed sooner rather than later

Sometimes I do wonder 😊 hahahaha

With far too many messy thoughts to process and far too many heavy emotions to release, I tentatively retreated and hit ….. PAUSE

So, I will be completely honest with you, I wasn’t really looking forward to getting back into this chapter because I knew it was going to be challenging

Our right to FEEL and our intimacy NEEDS will surface around this energy

Our biggest challenge being our experience of GUILT

Universe blessed me with several opportunities to fully explore and experience this energy, which all became a tad overwhelming, especially towards the end as I juggled other life challenges, transitions and changes

In typical Aphrodite style this energy kept rising as more thoughts became conscious, more patterns became obvious, more emotions were released and more energy was shifted, until it reached a very impressive climaxual conclusion

My perfect storm

The biggest learning for me was ….

Full ACCEPTANCE of emotion, is related to our ability to fully experience the HURT of heartbreak and ALLOW it to break us completely OPEN to love

Full RELEASE of the hurt, is related to our ability to fully overcome our FEAR of being abandoned by another

SELF LOVE then is our ability to release any hurts and overcome any fears that prevent us from FULLY loving ourselves

Sometimes we can love others so much that ultimately we abandon ourselves

Over the years Ive often loved and cared for others more than myself, especially within my role as mother, wife, lover and nurse. Often prioritizing the needs of others above my own. Even now, at times I still struggle with this internal conflict whenever I choose ME first. Each time I chose myself experiences of guilt and shame surface because I feel less than the person they want and/or need me to be

But each time I prioritize the needs of others over my own, I unconsciously say to myself that someone else matters more than I do

Choices that hurt and cause wounds on a personal, cultural and collective level

Granted while our children are young their needs often do come before our own and the needs of our partner are to be considered

BUT …

As our children grow and mature shouldn’t they learn how to become more responsible for their own needs ?

And wouldn’t our relationships flourish more if our partners didn’t rely and depend upon us to meet their needs ?

The process of healing involves acknowledging our wounds, releasing the emotion held in our bodies and then we can begin to experience that wonderful whirly, whizzing orange glow of energy as it flows more freely

Am I totally OPEN and HEALED from all my past choices in love ?

Am I LOVING myself enough ?

Am I completely OPEN to receive the kind of soulful love I seek ?

Only time will answer those question because when it comes to LOVE its all about our every day choices ❤

But I strongly believe that the more self loving we are, the more loving we become. Our service to others then comes from a more stable grounding, which will have many more positive and long term effects

Oh YES … I am enjoying learning more about how energy is blocked and released 😊