Feeling a tad chuffed with myself for finally getting my ass into a size 18 jean. But instead of showing off with a flattering photo, I decided to keep it real. Because my marshmallow tummy still needs my oh so sexy bridget with handles knickers to give me less rolls. Instead of several, I have one mega muffin top. And when I sit down, I fear the button may pop off and someone could loose an eye.

Jokes aside, my weight gain and loss is never just about what I put into my mouth. It’s also about why I’m eating and how I’m feeling when I’m eating it. As a comfort eater, I either eat my emotions and suppress them (or) shovel in the food in attempts to soothe my woeful self.

Ain’t nothing healthy about that !!!

My eating habits have been changing over the years, but challenges are my biggest setbacks. As creatures of habit, we often fall back into unhealthier habits during stressful times. I’m learning how to be a little gentler with myself, but I still get annoyed when I go backwards. 

I refuse to jump on the scales because it only feeds my misery. But I guesstimate I gained around 10kg during those challenging months. Additional weight I couldn’t really afford to gain because I already had so much to loose. And before Mam’s diagnosis, I was loosing it and feeling so much better for it. Hence why I felt so shitful as the weight began to creep back on again.

My focus is how I’m feeling more than what I weigh. Mind you, I am looking forward to the day I jump onto the scales and see a number that makes me smile, instead of cringe.

YES, my body is soft and squishy, but I feel less ashamed of my body these days. I’m inspired by those who share their truth and I want to inspire others to do the same. I’ve always been able to see the beauty in others, and I’m finally beginning to see my own beautiful truth.

YES, the weight has been slowly coming off, but as it does, so do the emotions attached. And I notice how the more I release, the lighter I feel within myself. And the better I feel, the more self loving my choices are. It’s not really rocket science, but it’s so easy to get stuck.

Hence why I’m sharing this with you.

FAILURE and REJECTION hurts like a bitch !!! Truth is, none of us like change when it feels like it’s being forced upon us. Especially when it means loosing something/someone we love.

But WHAT IF we believed that things like fear, failure, rejection and pain were navigators sent to guide us ?

How would it change YOUR experience ?

Would you hold on a little less ?
Would you dive in a little more ?
Would you release your grip ?
Would you let go and flow ?

The only constant thing in life IS change

Accepting that is how I’m learning to trust the process of change. Becoming more aware of any thoughts attached to limiting beliefs, is how I’m learning to flow with a little more ease.

My greatest challenge when life is changing direction, is learning how to TRUST the process, stay OPEN to love, let go and FLOW with life ❤

The previous blog I wrote about wearing an incontinence pad, was supposed to be a confronting piece of writing. It was my intention to challenge attitudes about incontinence on purpose.

This blog will hopefully shed a little more light onto why I decided to DO and share something, that was considered by some, to be so gross and shocking.

You see, I’m all about having new experiences, to expand my perspective and deepen my understandings. Because I believe, although we can have compassion for others, we can only truly understand something if we have experienced it for ourselves.

Incontinence is a HUGE challenge for so many people. Most of my clients suffer from incontince. I have family members and friends who are incontinent. And as a Mother of 3, I have lost control over my own bladder. Yet this is a problem that most people don’t really want to talk about, because it’s “embarassing.”

Hence WHY I’m writing about it !!!

I strongly believe that the BIGGEST challenge of all, is the negative attitudes about incontinence, which in turn, is having a HUGE impact on the indivuals experience of incontinence.

On my very brief experiment, I noticed the reactions to what I shared. And it got me thinking about those people who suffer from incontinence, who need to wear pads on a daily basis. It got me wondering more about how it feels to urinate in a pad, especially while in the company of others or out in public. And it got me thinking about how many incontinent people are retreating from life and isolating themselves.

It’s my experiences and wonderings that usually motivate me to DO something. My menstral cycle was intense this month. The fasting and full moon brought my flow on earlier than expected. Hence why I wasn’t prepared and had no tampons in my bag. But I’m learning that going with the flow, is about recognizing the opportunities to do something different. Hence why I decided to wear my client’s incontinence pads for my menstral cycle this month.

But why the fuck would I want to ?

Well, over my 18 years of working with the elderly, I’ve had many conversations about the challenges of incontinence, but my understanding is still limited. So, I decided to open myself up, to fully experience the EMOTIONS of incontience and allow it to teach me.

YES, with a little apprehension, I did piddle in the pad and was VERY surprised by my own reaction.

The first emotion to flow was HORROR !!!

My collegue was in the other room with my client. And as the warm gush of urine began to flow, I was horrified to be feeling like I was pissing my pants. I instinctively felt around my crotch because it felt like the urine was leaking from the pad and flowing down my leg. Oh my gawd, what am I gonna do if I piss on the floor and my collegue walks through? I thought.

The next emotion to flow was DISGUST !!!

When my bladder was empty, I was left feeling relieved, yet disgusted with myself. You dirty bitch, you’ve just pissed your pants, I thought.

This emotion was soon followed by SHAME !!!

So, what did this experience teach me ?

First of all it taught me to appreciate my own continence and ability to use the toilet, which I am grateful for. It gave me deeper insight into how my confused client’s feel, which helps me to better understand and then respond to any behaviours that may arise.

It also reaffirms how our “negative” thoughts and emotions can either flow (or) be held onto.

Imagine, how many experiences we’ve had throughout our own life, that has brought feelings of shame. Take a moment to think about how often YOU may have unconsciously inflicted shame onto others. And I hope it helps you, as it does me. To become a little more aware of your own attitudes and are a little more mindful in your interactions with others.

Fortunately, my period stopped yesterday because I had a date with Dave. Although he embraces my kinda weird and wonderful. I did have conflicting thoughts and feelings about rocking up wearing a pull up pad 🤣