Although staying informed, I haven’t been turning on the news, doing research or actively engaging in debates and discussions. When the pandemic began to impact upon my own life, I needed to pull back and BE alone with my thoughts and feelings. To sit with and understand my own fears and concerns, without being influenced by external fear.
My sisters and I are so much more honest with ourselves and each other about what we think and how we feel. The death of our beloved parents has only strengthened our love and connection to each other. Although we love each other dearly and enjoy one another’s company, neither of us were keen on going into lock down together. All (3) of us live very different lifestyles with different priorities. Mine is to focus my energy on the new direction I need to move towards. To honour my healing and writing process. To appreciate the opportunity for growth and transformation during these challenging times of change. To prioritize my relationship with spirit and strengthen my connection to the divine, and to do that I need solitude in a place that feels safe.
So, that’s what brought me here to Heaven in the Hills, which is a place I have a little history with. Back in 2009 I was a single mum of (3) teens, working as a nurse in Aged Care and studying full time at university. I would come here to reconnect and recharge my batteries whenever I needed the additional support to self-care. This is the place I began to expand upon my objective mind and re-open to Other Worldly possibilities. I say re-open because as a child our parents told stories of such worlds, so I always felt that connection. My time here was always relaxing and rejuvenating, but I also had a few interesting experiences: A reike massage that introduced me to the release of suppressed emotion (not always pleasant). An intense gong meditation that took me on a wild visual ride through the jungle as a Tiger, above the valleys as an Eagle and in the ocean as a Whale (intense). And it was here I had my first up close encounter with a Nature spirit (the out of this world kinda crazy).
So, when it popped up in our Airnb search, I couldn’t believe my eyes (but the price was way out of my budget). Fortunately, I listened to my sister, who prompted me to message her anyway. To ask if she could drop the price (which she kindly did do). The last time I was here was back in 2011 and after catching up with the owner, she hasn’t been here herself for 8 years. She had rented the property as a retreat to someone working with addictions, and only returned last year to clean up the place because it’s up for sale. It still amazes me how the web of fate is weaved through our lives, bringing us towards the experiences and people meant for us. When I realized that self-isolation was on the cards, I never imagined I would be here again, but here I am.
When I left Chenrezig I was ready to take the next step into the unknown, but I never imagined I would be stepping into a global pandemic. I’ve already shared my thoughts and feelings about my first reaction to COVID-19 in my previous blog, but I want to expand upon my resistance. I’ll be honest, I didn’t react from a place of love because although I didn’t feel afraid, my fear had been activated. That’s why it’s taken me a few weeks to connect with the collective experience. First, I needed to dive in to acknowledge, process, express and rise above my own fear. Otherwise I disown my personal experience, by externally projecting the darkness instead of illuminating the fear within myself.
So, what does that actually mean?
It meant getting honest with myself, by shining a light on my own behaviour. To observe the thoughts that energized my emotions, influencing my choices. It meant taking back my power when I don’t feel in control. A realization that gives me those soulful goosybumps, as I recall my reike session not long after Dad and Christie’s death. Validating my need to work around my solar plexus, because my work will involve supporting the personal empowerment of others, which validated my pull towards Uluru, which is Gaia’s solar plexus.
Flowing with Universal energies is how the Full Moon illuminates our truth.
So, what surfaced for me this Full Moon in Libra?
Well, on the lead up to the Full Moon I noticed an increase in my craving for other, which led to some shady behaviours. I noticed how my habitual pattern to reach out and/or attract male attention is a resistance to go deeper into the discomforts. So, I leaned into the resistance with a little more curiosity. Noticing whenever I was confronted with another rule that served to restrict me, I felt the tension. Although I understand the need for infection control guidelines to protect our vulnerable, I’m reactive to the rules.
So, I asked myself …
Why do I feel like I’m stepping back in time?
Why do I feel like my civil rights are being taken away from me?
Why do I feel angry, defensive and afraid?
Why do I feel the need to rebel?
Why do I feel the need to fight for my freedom?
I needed to acknowledge how experiences from the past was triggering my deepest fear. History was pulling on my attention because I needed to look at what I was the most afraid of. I needed to see how and why wars were fought. To feel the painful devastation of mass destruction, that is happening on a global scale in the here and NOW.
We have every reason to be afraid !!!
A friend sent me a video of a news report this morning. It talked about how China is benefiting from this pandemic and the suspicions about their plans for world domination. It triggered the unsettled feeling I’ve had in my guts since the news of COVID-19. The fear that if we don’t stay focused on creating the NEW, we will suffer the consequences of political control and manipulation.
I began researching what scientists say coronavirus is and the source of its creation, and continued to look back on historical tensions between China and America. While writing about COVID-19 and the political directions, I was interrupted and wrote …
NOW isn’t the time to separate in blame, panic or fear, but to inform ourselves and protect each other. Respecting infection control guidelines to protect the vulnerable but exposing the healthy for immunity. Don’t fear it. Have faith in your healthy body’s ability to heal itself. Our gaze should be on the government, but NOT to blame. To understand their agendas because like it or not, they don’t just think of the people.
It can be argued that this was just my own mind changing course (as it does), or was it divine intervention? Regardless if it was my higher self or an angel whispering in my ear, it redirected my focus in the direction of LOVE.
As a light worker, I surrender to the call to serve my highest good and the Greater good of ALL, which means choosing LOVE. Surrendering to the call to serve the light means choosing love, but not without acknowledging the fear (personal and collective). I stay in the light to serve love during dark times, not by being Little Miss Sunshine, but by being true to myself. The truth is I can’t see what lies ahead of us during these times of uncertainty. I just know I need to keep trusting the call to BE the LOVE and share the LIGHT.
I share my thoughts, feelings and process because I hope it offers insights into how our fear, resistance, tensions and conflicts creates our shadow, that manifests the darkness (internal and external).
A Universal truth is …
Life is about change and we suffer when we resist this truth. Like Nature, we are created to flow through our seasons, transition through our cycles, heal our wounds, grow from our losses, transform and evolve. That is the meaning of life, but the truth we attach to it will depend upon our individual stories, that are either motivated by love or fear. These are the polarities we must learn how to integrate within ourselves, otherwise we unconsciously keep reacting from a place of craving for the positive and aversion for the negative.
It’s only then, from this integrated place that we will begin to fully flow and live the reality of our truth (good and bad). Although I’ve come to this realization, I’m trying to show how I still feel the resistance and confront the choice to either react from fear of love. Every day and in every moment, we are given a choice to either stand in the light and choose love (or) withdraw into our shadow and react from fear. I serve my highest good by continually asking myself …
What would love do?
And I allow those answers to guide me.
By sharing my own resistance, I hope this helps to shine a little light on your own fear responses. These are challenging times, but it’s also an opportunity for the kinda change that usually takes decades. So, lets not waste it.