Lost inside of myself


They say time heals,
but every day seems to be getting harder.

November 3rd 2017 at 6am,
you took your final breath.

Living through the challenges of your end of life was hard.
Living through the challenges of Dads end of life was harder.
and now I must confront living life without you both, which is even harder.

They say life goes on,
but it doesn't feel like I'm moving forward yet.
It feels like I'm tredding water,
trying my hardest not to drown.

Although your love still beats in my heart.
Although you still live on in my memories.
Although your energy still flows in spirit,
I’m also left with memories that haunt me.

Images I don’t want to see
Thoughts I don’t want to think
Feelings I don’t want to feel
Regrets I don’t want to have

Now, I’m left to pick up the pieces of my own life, but I no longer know where I belong.
They say home is where the heart is,
but my heart is everywhere.

So, do I belong nowhere?
Is it my fate to drift in life?
Am I destined to wander the world alone?

Nothing is the same.
Everything is different.

I’m no longer the same woman I once was.
Life and death have challenged me.
Love and loss have changed me.

I see things I don’t always want to see.
I know things I don’t always want to know.
I feel things I don’t always want to feel.
And my regrets keep tripping me up.

I’m lost inside of myself.
Stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts.
Fighting battles no one can see.
Trying not to believe the voices.

You’re a failure
You’re a fuck up
You’re a loser
You're crazy
You’re alone

It’s easier to believe these thoughts because

I've failed
I've fucked up
I've lost
I feel crazy
And I am alone

I’m struggling to focus on the process,
without getting lost in the darkness.
Unsure if I can fight my way out,
towards the light.

I’m tired

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