Getting out of our comfort zones is sometimes a choice we make in the hopes of improving our quality of life in some way
As a 41-year-old sexually active woman I decided it was time to close the chapter, reduce my stress about unwanted pregnancy and opt for something more permanent. Having used various contraception over the years and never being completely happy with them, I wanted my body to flow more naturally through hormonal changes and I’ve never enjoyed the feeling of wearing condoms. So after many years of pondering a tuber ligation was the logical step to take
I’ve always been curious but it seems the more consciously aware I become, the more observant I am of my own experiences, which deepens my understandings and allows me to flow more consciously through my discomforts
But my “over thinking” is something I’m both admired and criticised for … I myself prefer to call it CONSTRUCTIVE THINKING (insert wink)
There were a number of discomforts before, during and after my tuber ligation procedure. Being aware of each and every one of them is essential for me to consciously flow through the experience. I believe this is how we reduce the need for healing further down the track because we may have held onto a thought, an emotion or a belief that may block the natural flow as it occurs
We can either choose to move mindlessly through our experiences or we can choose to flow mindfully with them … the choice is ours to make
I believe … being completely present and FLOWING with our discomforts is a habit worth cultivating and a skill worth learning
I believe … ALL of our experiences occur on multiple levels and by exploring those levels, it helps us to identify if we are flowing or resisting
Physical discomfort (body)
Our bodies experience pain and discomfort for many reasons. Increased physical activity, illness, disease, post op or manifested emotional pain (to name a few). How we respond to our discomforts will depend on our beliefs about pain and suffering, which will impact on how we experience it
Does the pain and discomfort exist or persist ? or does it flow and shift ?
Emotional upset (mind)
Our thoughts about an experience will impact on how we feel about it. So, if we believe pain is a negative experience to be avoided, then we will experience it as such. If we believe pain to be just another experience to be understood, then we will experience it in that way. Sometimes our emotional upset is triggered by past experiences, which have been previously blocked out or we may choose to avoid and deny our present experience of pain and discomfort
Does the emotional response match the situation ?
Is the emotional response extreme or is completely nil and void ?
Energetic disturbances (spirit)
After exploring my thoughts and expressing my feelings, I find myself working from this place more often as I become more aware of my own energy blocks. Our chakras are our energy centres that influence ALL of our experiences. If we are aware of any thoughts or emotions and still feel blocked in some way, you can bet ya bottom dollar that there’s an energy blockage somewhere in your being that’s preventing the flow and your healing
Spiritual distress (belief system)
Whenever our present experience is in conflict with our personal beliefs, we start to question and doubt ourselves, which disrupts our entire state of being. We may experience feelings of anger and fear during times of great uncertainty. Making sense of our lives, finding meaning and seeking purpose helps us cope and adjust with this kind of discomfort … this is GROWTH
So … let me walk you through some of my recent discomforts, which may help you with your own process of flowing with discomfort
A straight forward procedure that involves 3 small incisions. Gas is pumped into the belly to inflate the abdomen, which gives the surgeon a better view and more room to work. A narrow tube with a light and camera is inserted into the abdomen and a long thin instrument is inserted to locate and hold the fallopian tube, which are cut and clamped … sounds simple enough ?
A simple enough operation, but I still had a lot of nerves and anxieties. The last time I went under anesthesia was for an abortion when I was 17 y ears old. Some unpleasant memories and uncomfortable emotions that stirred during my pre op consult told me that there was still some energy around that choice. I was also told that being a larger woman there was a higher risk of complications, such as perpetrating the bowel … gulp !!!
Well … that would certainly put a damper on my sex life wouldn’t it !!!
For those living this reality, check out these creative and groovy ideas that will have you rocking the ostomy look
So … before even walking into the surgery I was already well aware of my past hurt that was triggered and my present fear, which were both acknowledged, hence the feelings and anxiety. Getting prepped for the operation the nurse gave it to me straight … “Youre going to be uncomfortable” … BRING IT ON !!!
I have dodgy veins and am overweight so I’m a real challenge with needles, so the first discomfort was being told they had to use a large IV needle … oh heck !!! … I’m well aware that I’m a sooky la la when it comes to pain, but I’m also the woman who will confront and challenge that reality
So when he asked if I wanted a local to numb the hand, I said “No, just don’t wriggle it around too much” … survived it !!!
The next discomfort was being told that because I was a heavy weight I had to hop onto a hover mat and use a ramp on the operating table to lower my head. Feelings of SHAME surfaced to add a nice flavour to the mix. Although I take complete responsibility for my choices and am actively working on reducing my weight … I still feel the shame everytime someone reminds me that I am FAT !!!
The hover mat turned out to be very cool and it was kinda fun. Air was blown into it until it enveloped me like a cradle and raised me up. The nurses only needed to push it in the right direction and I was hovered off the trolley and onto the operating table
Made me feel like I was travelling on a magic mat … LOVED it !!!
This was my biggest FEAR !!! … the last time I was in this position I had made another life changing choice during a time when I felt lost. A choice that shook my world and changed the direction of my life. Oh yes, I recall this moment so very clearly, even though it was 24 years ago. I remember feeling scared, vulnerable, confused, alone and like I was about to make a terrible mistake
I had lost my virginity and was having an abortion
Ironic … that after all those years, I choose to place myself back on the table ending the chapter as it had begun
I woke up from my abortion feeling very sore, sorry … and empty of life
In reflection … this was my first experience of depression and it was a black hole I avoided back then by drinking copious amounts of alcohol, smoking, comfort eating, nail-biting and casual sex. I lost all respect for myself and self punishment came in a variety of different costumes. A black hole that Ive since been exploring anxiously for years, looking for answers …
Where did it came from ?
Why cant I escape it during times of uncertainty ?
How does is serve to help me ?
What am I avoiding by falling into it ?
Ive been aware for some time now that the abortion was my first real trauma in life and it was my first experience of HEART BREAK …
… but until now I never really comprehended how it also relates to my inability to truly love myself. To love ourselves is to love ALL of who we are and ALL of who we are not (tears fall and she sobs)
I’ve been feeling very alone in this experience because my usual support network(my Mam and 2 younger sisters) have been over seas and I’ve been pulling back and isolating myself from friends more and more, as I work through my process of healing. So any discomforts I’ve been feeling as I recover from the operation have been intensified, which ofcourse serves a very important purpose in my experience …
As I recover from my tuber ligation … I also heal the source of my heart hurts