Walking through change

week3e

I used to believe that if I wanted to go somewhere, then I needed to have a destination in mind. I used to think that if I wanted to achieve a goal, then I had to have it all planned out. I used to feel like a complete failure when my path changed its course

Oh … how times have changed !!!

Although I do hold a vision of the kind of life I want to create, at times its blurry. Sometimes I loose my focus and the vision changes as I do. Its during such transitions that I feel the most uncertain and vulnerable, which is when my fears start to surface. But its a place I no longer run from, its a place I choose to sit in and wait. Its a place I still fear sitting, but its a place I know holds all the answers I seek. I just need to listen

My feelings of discontentment continues to lead me down different paths, seeking fulfillment. My desire to explore, learn and grow continues to drive me

But … in all honesty I have absolutely no idea when, how and where I’m going

At this stage in my life I’m literally only taking one step at a time. I’m flowing with how I feel moment to moment. I’m trusting the process and I’m surrendering to life

New realizations have recently surfaced into my consciousness and has caused me a little upset because I dont like what its telling me

 Since my most recent heartbreak I haven’t actually finished anything Ive started

Nothing is yet fully complete

I started the “Red Tent” course … but still have modules to complete

I started several books … but they all sit on my bedside table unfinished

I started the “Goddess makeover” … but have paused at the sacral chakra

I started the “Meaning of death” course … but pulled out half way through

I started the “Social media & photography” course … but am procrastinating

Hmmmmmmmm … WHY ?

This is not my usual behaviour. I’m the kind of woman who never gives up and always gets the job done. I hold the goal in mind and then I dont stop until its achieved

Its a Capricorn thing

So, I reflected over why I’m struggling to complete what I started ?

And it lead me down several paths of disappointment, loss, failure, rejection and a whole lot of fucking hurt …

A marriage, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

An intense 5 years of university study, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A love affair with a married man, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

A relationship, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

Dating, that didn’t lead to where I wanted it to go

When it comes to my heart it feels like NOTHING has actually gone in the direction I had hoped. Everything that has mattered most to me has ended or changed. Perhaps that explains my reluctance to complete those things I start? Maybe subconsciously I’m afraid to finish something in-case it doesn’t lead to where I want it to go? So by not finishing them, I’m avoiding the disappointment, the rejection, the failure and the hurt?

Who the fuck knows ?

I can analyze the shit out of it OR I can accept this new realization about myself and actually FINISH the damn things I started and go in which ever direction it leads me

The choice is mine and I choose to keep on walking forwards

… and breathe

week3a

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