The day true love died

jesus

Today, is a good day to reflect …

I was raised as a Christian and although I still maintain many of those core beliefs, my truth aligns more with spirit than religion. Because the more I see how religion separates people, the more inner conflict Ive had with my own religious beliefs.

Nature is now my church and love is my religion

My own fears and hurts around death and loss continues to be some of my greatest challenges, which has led to some deeper understandings. But I still have so many more curiosities about love, life and death. And the more I learn, the more questions I have.

“The more we learn, the less we know”

Our spiritual journey is a life long quest and we are forever a work in progress

As a grown woman, I acknowledge that religious texts are documented accounts of history, based on peoples perceptions of an experience they’ve either personally had themselves, or based on the experience of someone else. These are stories told and passed down to us, but they are not the absolute truth.

They are only versions of the truth

Something that concerns me is that the majority of religious and intellectual texts and stories of all kinds have been written by men. A concern that drives many women like myself, to write and share our own thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories. In the hopes of inspiring others to do the same because this is how we are reconnecting and healing ourselves, others and our world.

However, no matter who wrote it, the story of Jesus Christ is one that touches us all in some way. I remember the first time I watched a movie that retold the story of his crucifixion, and how confronting it was to see. As a child I had heard the very same story being told by our Sunday school teachers and had read various books about it. But there was something more powerful about seeing it come to life on the big screen.

Maybe that’s why I want to see my stories shared on the big screen ?

This morning, as I reflected over the meaning of the day “Good Friday”, I felt overwhelmed with emotion and started sobbing my heart out.

What the actual fuck? … I thought to myself

Where the heck is all this coming from? … I wondered

I was thinking about how this man was treated with such cruelty, for offering nothing but love, light and healing to the world. Then I got to thinking about how fear still drives so many people to act in cruel ways, and I cried some more.

I cry A LOT lately !!!

Today is another family celebration I’m missing out on, and as I look through the photos shared on facebook, the tears just kept on flowing.

I cry because I miss them all. I cry because I want to hug my kids. I cry because I see how cancer effects our Dad. I cry because I feel guilty about not being there to support my parents and sisters. I cry because I feel left out and I cry because why the heck do I always feel like the odd one out ?

I am the daughter and the mother who has made bad choices, and continues to throw herself into experiences that challenges the very core of who she is

WHY ?

Feeling so very unlucky in love, frustrated with the Aged Care system and fed up of feeling like the family failure. I got to a point with my moon manifesting, that I no longer wanted to sit and make endless lists about what I wanted to release or what I wanted to manifest. I recall standing on the balcony of my unit in Australia, over looking the silvery ocean, under the glorious full moon and I …

SURRENDERED

I soon realized that the Universe is listening and knows exactly whats in our hearts, which is reassuring but its also a little unnerving. Because something inside of me keeps saying  OPEN, RELEASE, LET GO and HEAL

And believe me, none of that shit comes naturally

My hearts call to come back to the UK was an overwhelming desire to live my truth and my need to connect with myself on a much deeper level. Everything about this journey is becoming spiritual, which is something I’m so very grateful for, but its challenging. Because its an experience that brings so many thoughts, emotions and limiting beliefs to the surface, for healing on a personal and a collective level.

Something that I struggle to understand at times, because although I knew that this was a path I must walk, I certainly wasn’t prepared to be living a life of service. In fact, Ive lost my shit over it on several occasions.

During my 3rd contract I was definitely strategically placed with both a pilgrim and a family of Christian missionaries. Working alongside women who lived a life of service, in the name of the Lord. Women who had denied themselves of the experience of love, sex and pleasure, was something that challenged me. There were several conversations that left me feeling like I was being forced to live my worst nightmare.

Before coming over to the UK, I joked about seeking solitude in a monastery and living as a nun in the mountains somewhere. After all, my love life was one big disastrous tragedy and my sex life was pretty much none existent.

Geeeez, I wasn’t actually serious about it !!!

As I felt the pull to work as a live in carer on a longer term contract, knowing it would limit my sense of freedom. As I felt the overwhelming pull to fully release myself from the man I shared a soul connection with. And as I felt the pull to not actively date. Well, Ill be honest with you, I started to freak the fuck out.

Did Universe truly want me to surrender my need for intimacy too ?

Dude, none of this shit is funny

Arghhhhhhhh !!!!

So after lots of inner turmoil and many tears, I eventually took a deep breath IN

Hey, LISTEN up I said, as Lilith energy stirred up my spine like a serpent

I CAN live my purpose and be of service, while also living life fully as a woman

I CAN have it ALL

I AM worthy of love and abundance

And I WILL achieve my goals for the greater good

MIND REBOOTING … was successfully achieved !!!

Another limiting belief no longer holding me back from living the life I imagine

Thank fuck !!!

 In reflection, I now appreciate how those challenges helped me to clarify what I wanted, why I wanted it and how serious I am about receiving it.

So, what now ?

Well, the journey continues … of course 😊   

Mindful interaction

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