Today, I’m struggling with what IS

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Sometimes I struggle with what IS …

It was wonderful being surrounded by family yesterday, but those few hours wore Dad out. Since chemo his appetite has gone and its a struggle to keep him nourished and hydrated. Yesterday he managed to eat a little and paid for it last night. He’s struggling to keep food down, his tummys sore from contractions, he’s suffering from acid reflux and he’s tired.

Its great when we all get together, but we miss Mam. Inbetween emptying the vomit bucket at 3am, I distracted myself with facebook and memories from last Father’s Day popped up. Mam and I had what was to be our final sunrise walk together. Fond memories of sitting on the beach, talking about life and love.

Afew days later the cancer in Mam’s hip bone burst. Knowing Dad’s cancer has burst in his spine and seeing Dad’s struggle, triggers me.

When my sisters go home to be with their families, I’m reminded how different my life is.

I’m feeling a strong sense of restriction and limitation that I’ve been struggling with. I can’t drive myself anywhere atm because my UK liscence is in the post. So I haven’t been able to go to the beach and watch a sunrise, I can’t pop in to talk with my friends, I don’t see my cubs as often as I’d like to and I can’t lean into the man I love because he’s in the UK.

Different time zones make it challenging for us and I miss being with him so damn much. 

This week I have orientation for a job and I have mixed feelings. Although grateful for the job because I want to earn money while I’m here, I feel like I’m being pulled backwards.

Processing my thoughts and feelings takes time and energy, which is why I’m so very tired.

This is MY reality behind the smiles

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