Embracing all that I am


Today, I’m thinking about those who are drowning and struggling to stay afloat. Those who are sitting in dark spaces feeling lost and alone. Those who are suffering from their loss. Those who are confronted with challenges and facing obstacles. Those who are living the fear in their hearts. Those who have lost all hope.

I want you to know that I see YOU ❤

Sometimes I’m tempted to close my facebook account. Sometimes I need to stay open and connect with you, but I want to shut down and disconnect. Sometimes the oversharer can’t fully express what’s really on her mind and in her heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing in life. Sometimes I feel so fucking lost inside of myself. Sometimes I want to be seen and need to be found. Sometimes I feel so very alone with my struggles. Sometimes I regret looking back into the past because it hurts so damn much. Sometimes I’m scared to look too far into the future because I’m afraid of what could happen. Sometimes the present doesn’t feel like a gift. Sometimes I can’t look away from the suffering in the world because I’m suffering too. Sometimes I’m lost in the sorrows of life. Sometimes I don’t want to see how happy everyone else is or how well they are doing. Sometimes I struggle to celebrate life because I’m overwhelmed and unimpressed with living.

Sometimes I wonder what’s the fucking point?

Fortunately these are only my sometimes.

On the flip side …

I LOVE life. ALL of it, even the struggles. I know how my thoughts can become distorted and irrational, so I thank fuck for my insight. I’m also grateful for the wonderfuls, that prevent me from drowning in my misery. Yup, shit sure does happen, but our self pity only digs a much bigger pit that we can’t get out of. Learning to observe our thoughts and emotions without attaching to them, is a habit worth cultivating.

But it does make me wonder …

How many other people are sharing the smile, that masks their struggles? How many others are faking it till they make it? How many others aren’t talking openly about their “sometimes.”

Sometimes I’m not OK … and that’s OK ❤

Although I’m blessed with love, I still feel the sting of disappointment when a relationship or a friendship doesn’t flow as I had hoped.

Although I believe in seasons, reasons and lifetimes, I still feel the pain of a lesson learned

Although I’m grateful for the time I had with my parents and my friend, I still feel the ache in my heart from the devastation of my loss.

Although I will cherish the many precious memories we made together, I still feel gutted that our time was cut short because there was still so much that I, they and we wanted to do.

Although I believe that life’s too complicated to just end, I still feel angry that my parents and friend had to go through what they did. And I still struggle with those not so great memories.

Although my faith is strong, I still feel kinda lost without my parents and I miss my friend.

Sometimes I just have to be honest with myself

Everyday my facebook memories take me back   to past experiences. An accumulation of the good and the bad times that is my life. To the ups and downs that is my story. Although I’ve endured many heart breaking losses over the years, the hardest by far is our parents cancer diagnosis, and the end of life challenges that my sisters and I confronted. To be honest I relive those moments most days, so don’t need the reminder. As the memories pop up it’s like a count down to your worst nightmare. Each day taking us closer to the worst times of our life.

Why must we relive those shitful moments?
Why must we grieve over and over again?
Why must we feel our pain with such intensity?
Why must we remember things so vividly?
Why must we be reminded what we once had?
Why must we keep thinking about the loss?

No matter what we do or how we think, there’s no denying this truth. And why would we? It’s part of our story and although our past doesn’t define us, it definitely does shape us into the person we are today. So, I accept the memories as they resurface, observe the thought when it pops into my mind and I allow the emotions to rise and fall. Knowing that this too shall pass.

Everyday I’m triggered by something that reminds me, that I am healing. So I try my best to be as honest as I can in my interactions.

Everyday there’s another tension, conflict or concern that challenges me. So, I remind myself that life itself is a wonderful adventure.

As I accept and share my “sometimes” I also embrace my shadow. Shining a light onto the vulnerable parts of myself that I usually hide so well. Knowing that true beauty comes from the heart of who we are, and I want to love it all.

I no longer need to hide my flaws, failures and faults. Because I’m not only healing my own personal woundings, I’m learning how to love and appreciate our past. Every uncomfortable memory that has challenged me, is being seen and felt for what it truly is. So that every moment can be lived as fully as it can be.

I’m learning that …

Healing is balancing our own energy, which is influenced by how we think and feel about ourselves, which is influenced by our past.

As I share my process, I want to lean into my inner tensions with a little more honesty ❤

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