I took this photo after my shower yesterday, to capture the mood I was in.
I noticed the “I’m” and I began to write …
I’m still feeling kinda dreamy after the last New Moon cycle. This dark moon wasn’t as dark as it has been in the previous months. The descent into the Underworld of shadows didn’t feel as heavy. My period was flowing, but I had very little discomfort. My Moon flow was lighter and I felt lighter within myself too. So, I pondered over the changes.
I’ve had 2 challenging nightshifts, but I’m in a different mindset. I don’t feel stuck or trapped somewhere I don’t want to be anymore. So I’m flowing with a little less resistance. Challenges and concerns can and still DO overwhelm me, but I appreciate these experiences as valuable opportunities to learn from.
My heart’s back IN the work again ❤
While tending to the cares of a palliative client, I heard his wife sobbing behind the curtain. I didn’t walk away or ask my collegue to check on her. I knew she needed to know she wasn’t alone, so I sat down beside her bed and held her hand. She told me how much she loved her husband, and that she didn’t know what to do. I could feel the pain in her heart, but seen the love and light shining from her eyes. So I shared the words that came from my heart.
“Just keep loving him” ❤
She smiled and her tears fell, as did mine
I cried for her, for the loss she was feeling
I cried for him, for the life he was loosing
I cried for me, for the deaths I have faced
I cried for us, for the loves we have lost
This New Moon brought my BIGGER dreams to the surface, which is why I’ve been feeling kinda dreamy. Over the last few days I’ve been journalling about what experiences I want to manifest. Focusing on all areas of my life, but intimate relationship was significant.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with my “friendships” with men. So, I’ve been reflecting over my choices in love. Thinking about the challenges we had in relationship, and how those challenges now determine the quality of our friendship. And I’ve been thinking about how I feel about being single again.
Solitude doesn’t feel like a punishment anymore, so I’m feeling more at ease in my own company. Maybe that’s why I’m able to see things a little clearer? Perhaps I needed to go through the struggle to realize the conflict? Maybe this Dark Moon wasn’t so dark because my shadow wasn’t suppressed? Perhaps I’m feeling more empowered because I’m making better choices? Maybe I’m breaking cycles and changing patterns? Perhaps I’m peeling away the bullshit of illusion, so I can live the dream?
Afew days ago, I realized how often I haven”t choosen myself. And this morning I woke with a clearer understanding of why. I acknowledge how the Damzel wants to be chosen, and the Princess wants to find her Prince Charming. Although I reject these parts of myself, I’m a fool to deny their existance. It doesn’t matter how much I want to BE the mighty Warrior, my BEing is the sum of many parts.
Even though I’ve been the one who initiated the conversations, that ultimately ended my relationships. Knowing we wanted and needed different things. If I’m honest, my inner Damzel in distress wanted them to hold on and fight for us. My inner Princess wanted them to rescue me from my distress. And deep down I had hoped that wanting me would be enough. And when they didn’t fight and they let go, I thought
“I’m not enough”
And there it is, the limited belief !!!
Even though I’ve been loved by many, in truth, only parts of me have been wanted by men. If I’m honest, my inner Wild Woman isn’t always welcomed. Sometimes she’s suppressed or limited in her full expression. Yup, another limiting belief is … “I’m TOO much”
I realize that this is why I’ve felt abandoned and rejected in and out of relationship. Therefore, a lack of love isn’t why we can’t be friends with ex lovers. It’s our own woundings and therefore our own healings, that impact upon the quality of our “friendships”
If I’m the one who’s chosen to reject parts of myself. If I’m the one who’s chosen to abandon myself, then I’m the ONE to choose myself.
But HOW do I choose myself ? ? ?
Choosing to disconnect from “complicated” connections and drama, that no longer serves my spiritual growth, is how I choose ME.
Choosing to release myself from any limiting beliefs, that no longer serves my growth and the Greater Good, is how I choose ME.
Choosing to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW, not fighting the old, or reliving past mistakes, is how I choose ME.
Choosing to believe in my dreams and trusting the visions I have, is how I choose ME.
As women, we often need reminded that it’s OK to choose ourselves. We’ve been raised in a culture that expects us to put others first, and we’re shamed or guilted when we don’t. We’ve been led to believe that being a single woman, is a tragedy best avoided. We’re still being told to sit down and shut up, but it’s in less obvious, subtler ways these days. And we’ve been conditioned to surpress our uglier truths.
Authenticity isn’t easy because it’s hard to look beyond the darkness. To confront our shadow, to own our fuckups, to love our flaws, to learn from our failures and to admit our faults.
Sometimes we choose to live in the ignorance of our bliss … and that’s OK ❤
As women, we fear owning our personal power because strong women are misunderstood. Our strength doesn’t lie within our ability to conquer and overcome obstacles alone. It’s not even in the raging roars of I AM WOMAN !!!
Our strength comes from our willingness to BE vulnerable. To drop the masks and in letting the walls of our defences fall to the ground. It’s in our willingness to BE seen as we truly are.
Not pretending to BE someone you want us to be. Not faking it till we make it. Not diluting our truths to make you feel more comfortable. Not trying to be something we’re not, to please you.
Our strength is BEing the mighty hot fucking mess we are, and not apologizing for it.
Our strength is seeing and loving the beautiful imperfect BEing of humanness YOU are ❤
Our strength is saying this is ME and I LOVE her, ALL of her and if you can’t, then Fuck Off !!!
Our strength is in our ability to believe in love, after having lost what we feared loosing.
Our strength is saying YES to ourselves.
Until I can fully choose myself, then how the fuck can I expect anyone else to? Does this mean the next man to walk into my life will be the “one” ? Hmm, although forever the hopeful heart, I’m also a realist. Besides, who is the ONE anyways? Aren’t I the BEloved of my own life? I do wonder though, will I ever grow in love with the same man for the rest of my life?
Perhaps not ? Maybe that isn’t my path in this lifetime ? Perhaps relationship with a variety of different men provides the growth I need in this lifetime ? Maybe my destiny isn’t to love one ?
What if I AM THE ONE ?
Who the fuck knows ? All I can do is improve the quality of the relationship I have with myself. Break free from co-dependency. Stay true to myself and BE open to learn from love.
I’m heeding the Wanderluster call and looking forward to the NEW adventures that await me in 2020, as a much stronger single woman.
And I’m at peace with that 😌
I choose ME and I choose to be FREE 💪😍