I’m in the hinterland, surrounded by an abundance of Australian Gum trees, listening to their branches swaying in the breeze and the birds singing their songs. Its been raining, so the air is filled with an earthy aroma, that makes me feel grounded. I’m sitting on a comfy yellow arm chair, that’s on the wooden deck of the volunteer house at the Chenrezig Institute. There’s a wonderful sense of peace here, that invites calmness into my BEing, and with each breath I feel a little less anxious and a little more at ease in my new surroundings.

The woman in charge of coordinating the Work Exchange Program (WEP) is down to earth and friendly, so it was a pleasure to sit down and chat with her in the Big Love Café, which was heaving at lunch time. It was full of volunteers, general public, paying visitors on retreat, nuns and monks. She introduced me to some, but I was feeling a tad overwhelmed. I’m shocking at retaining names when I first meet people, especially when they have beautiful foreign names I can’t even pronounce properly. I need to interact and get to know someone to retain a name to memory, which there’ll be plenty of opportunities to do while living here. An opportunity presented itself within hours of being here. I was asked if I was interested in learning how to make coffee. I said YES because it’ll be a useful skill to have whilst looking for work when travelling. I love how opportunities begin to unfold on the path when aligned with our truth.

Before my orientation, I wandered to the Garden of Enlightenment with my son. We chatted about why Im here and what I hope to achieve. There were lots of little froggies hopping around our feet and I saw a red dragon fly. The garden was full of Stupas, which are symbolic of Buddhas Enlightenment.

After my orientation, I wandered into the Art Studio, where they make Stupas and roll mantras. I never realized that the heaviness of a prayer wheel is because it holds many of those rolled mantras. While I wandered back to the house, I thought about why I’m here and what I want to gain from the experience. Although I align with Buddhist core values, I have very little knowledge about the culture or their practices. So, I’m here to learn by living within the community. Apart from a few back-packing experiences, I’ve never lived in a communal setting, so I’m looking forward to this experience.

I joined a fellow volly (volunteer) for dinner, so we chatted over a yummy pea and kale soup. I don’t know why, but I seem to enjoy food so much more when someone else has either cooked or prepared it. Ive had a few one on one conversations with a few people, sharing our stories and getting to know each other. Everyone is lovely, which I never doubted considering the environment., but its refreshing to talk to others who share similar beliefs and visions.

It was quiet and cool overnight, so I slept well. The house woke up quietly, which was nice. Everyone is mindful of each other, so noise is minimal. I ate my breakfast on the deck, so I could watch the birds. A kingfisher flew down into the tree in front of me and flew back and forth between trees. I listened to a variety of different bird songs. I couldn’t identify them all, but there were plenty to see. The yellow breasted robins playfully flew back and forth, a fantailed wren flew onto the deck and a flock of female fairy wrens flew in and out of the scrub. My heart burst open and I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy, as I watched them

I’m not on the roster until tomorrow morning, so I’m free to do as I please today, so I came to the Big Love Café for lunch, bringing my lap top, so I could write and upload my blog on the book of face. Lunch was a delicious vegetarian dish packed full of nutrition and flavours. The Institute is closed to the general public Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so it’s quiet here today. It’s nice to see the comparison after such a busy day yesterday. Although it’s a communal setting, I see many people sitting alone, which reflects a respect for one another’s need for reflection and peace.

The Big Love Café is placed in the center of the Institute. From the deck where I’m sitting, it has the feel of being in a tree house because its elevated above the ground. It’s wonderful to BE amongst the trees that have rainbow Buddhist prayer flags tied to them. Its been raining on and off most of the day again today, so the sky is grey, the air is fresh, and the ground is oozing those wonderful earthy aromas. I’m overjoyed to see fairy lights hanging on the beams because they illuminate a beautiful soft light that feels magical to me.

I may sit a while and soak up the atmosphere and bliss out

Its the first FULL MOON of 2020 and Im a little restless. As I get ready to step into a new experience, Im feeling nervously excited. In a few days I begin a work exchange program at the Chenrezig Institute, working as a volunteer in a Buddhist Monastery. Although I know its only a small step in the right direction, it kinda feels like a giant step into the unknown. I suppose having taken many of those smaller steps before, I realize how many have been giant leaps of faith.

This Full Moon feels like a significant ending, which is a little strange considering its occurring at the beginning of a NEW Year.

During a Full Moon the Moon is fully illuminated by the light of the Sun because its sitting directly opposite. The lunar and solar are in natural harmonic balance.

It can either be an intensely challenging time for us (or) it can hold potent potential. Because the Moon represents our inner world, our experiences during a Full Moon will be determined by the shadow, which is our hidden emotions, desires, fears, worries and dreams.

I get excited as a Full Moon approaches because I embrace her energy.

Its the New Moon that challenges me the most because its during the dark moon, that I experience a strong desire to dive into myself (especially when menstruating). To explore my inner most thoughts and feelings. Its a time of deep reflection, so I can be clearer about my intentions. During the New Moon I confront the hidden and suppressed parts of my self. Ghosts from the past that haunt my memories. Inner demons that taunt and torment me. The monsters in my own mind that feeds upon my doubts, worries and fears, holding me back from attracting my hearts desire and achieving my big dreams.

Our hidden truths becomes the darkness within us, that creates the shadow that follows us. Its why I observe my thoughts, express my emotions and identify any limited beliefs. Its what motivates me to learn how to shine a light on my shadow and LOVE it for what it really is.

As an energetic BEing my shadow influences my aura, which is why understanding my chakra is so very important. Im learning to recognize when and why a chakra is blocked or overactive, then experimenting with ways to unblock and balance the flow of energy. Its an ongoing process, a NEW habit Im cultivating and a NEW skill Im developing.

During a FULL MOON I gain the rewards of those descents into the darker depths of myself, which is why I welcome it. Whatever needs to be RELEASED will surface to be seen. The Full Moon shines a light upon my soul, which is why her energy feels so very healing. When something has risen from my unconscious mind, it kinda feels like that first delicious breath of air when you surface after being under water too long (or) feeling the warmth of the Sun on your skin for the first time after a long, cold winter (or) the first glimmer of light that shines into your eyes after being lost in a dark cave.

Many of my crazier beliefs have been reaffirmed during the ordeals of 2019.

I look upon the SUN as a sacred masculine energy (Father) and the MOON as a sacred feminine energy (Mother). I believe these are a connection to the Source of ALL Creation. To the God and Goddess archetypes that reside within us all. I believe this is the BALANCE we seek. And the RE-CONNECTION that expands our consciousness, opens our heart, liberates our spirit, unlocks our creativity and expresses the true essence of who we are.

According to the Star Gazers, this Full Moon on the 10th January is a rare Wolf Moon eclipse. The eclipse is in Cancer (my moon sign), and the Sun is in Capricorn (my Sun sign). The axis is that of family, foundational love and our connection to life. Oh yes, these are the kinda spookyliscious synchronicities that let me know Im aligned with those juicy Universal energies. Reminding me that Im not as crazy as I think I am, which is reassuring because sometimes I do question my own sanity.

This Full Moon can be a heavy, dark and strange energy because its the final wave of what defined 2019, so we cant breathe easy just yet. This Full Moon will be nudging us to look back, to shine a light on what needs to be seen. It may help to ask yourself …

What was challenging YOU most in 2019 ?
What was YOUR greatest struggle ?
What brought rise to YOUR sufferings ?
What was it teaching YOU ?
What were YOU refusing to let go of ?
What are YOU ready to release with this Full Moon ?

Our hard times and struggles haven’t been in vain. This Full Moon brings an energetic shift to those of us who do the inner work. An opportunity to cleanse our minds, purify our spirit, open our hearts and replenish our energy.

THANK FUCK !!!

Because 2019 challenged me in ways I could never be fully prepared for.

It was an accumulation of a series of significant events. A very challenging (3) years, that began with my plans to set off on a wonderful adventure to the UK, which was soon followed by the unexpected cancer diagnosis of our beloved Father, then Mother and then my best friend. In between family crisis, I still felt called to pursue my path in the UK, so work continued to challenge me. I kept my heart open to love, so relationship continued to challenge me.  There were so many challenges and battles fought during those (3) years, but my hardest battles were fought in 2019.

The last 4 months of 2019 took me to a very dark place, but it was somewhere I couldn’t avoid going. I needed to process and feel my way through the challenges and battles of the last (3) years, to gain a deeper understanding.

I needed to understand WHY the ground had to shatter beneath me?
I needed to understand WHY the sky had to fall in on top of me?
I needed to understand WHY my supports had to be taken away from me?
I needed to understand WHY I was alone during the worst time of my life?
I needed to understand WHY I had to be completely destroyed?

I was seeking meaning and purpose …

There is only one word to describes those (3) years, APOCALYPTIC because we confronted catastrophe after catastrophe. It was the destruction of life as we knew it and the ongoing struggle between what was and what will be.

As 2019 came to an end, another series of events led me towards my 46th birthday on December 27th. Rejection, that triggered my insecurities, that took me to the depths of my despair. Another synchronicity full of meaning and purpose.

It was the climactic ending of those (3) years.

The ghosts, demons and monsters all standing before me, demanding to be seen and loved for who and what they really were. They are no longer the dark distorted images projected from the fears in my mind, but visions of light, illuminating a deeper truth of love. Is this the releasing of OLD stories, in preparation for the NEW?

Experience is the teacher of all things (Julius Caeser)

Learning is experience, everything else is just information

(Albert Einstein)

I understand that life can be a struggle, which inevitably can lead to suffering. Like the Buddhists, I believe the root of all suffering is attachment. A belief that continues to guide me through life. Towards taking a small step in the right direction and another giant leap into my FAITH.

A beautiful poem that describes my kinda soulful kisses …

Caress my cognisance
Stroke my intellect
Show me your genius
Give me a climax I wont forget
Taste my pearl of wisdom
When you go down on my mind
Plant kisses on my perception
Leave my senses blind
Touch me in the places
you cant reach with your fingertips
Make love to my imagination
Ill kiss your thoughts
without using my lips

(Soul kissing)

Freedom is open to interpretation.
It expands beyond liberating slaves from chains,
and releasing people from oppression.
In the Western world we are FREE to choose,
but we often suffer the consequences of those choices.
The world has progressed in so many ways,
but regressed in others.
We have lost sight of what matters most.
In searching for cures we have lost our ability to heal.
In seeking power and wealth we have lost heart.
Is this why we are triggered by our environments?
Are we becoming more aware of what IS?
More mindful and conscious in our choices?
To rebel against what was before is a healthy process.
Challenging what IS,
is how we learn, grow and evolve as a species.
Yes, life can be fucking hard,
but it can also be an exciting experiment.
A wonderful adventure.
We cannot control things,
but we DO have the FREEDOM of choice.
I choose to follow my heart and trust my guts.
To release myself from the limitations of my own mind,
so I can flow with Nature and align with Universal energies.
To balance and HEAL.
I am not the civilized lady who wants to be admired.
I am not the saintly woman who wants to be good.
I am not the dutiful subject who wants to please.
I am the Wild Woman.
Liberating my spirit,
so I can experience the magic 🌟

Sometimes the flow doesn’t take us on a horizontal path. Sometimes its a veritcal descent into our shadow. I understand these to be our personal storms, but they have a collective purpose.

My horizontal flow has been disrupted, and I’ve been flowing vertically for what feels like most of the year.

Grief has taken me on one hell of a ride !!!

When Dad died, I couldn’t just “get on” with life because I didn’t have anything or anyone to go back to. My relationship had ended before I left the UK, and I didn’t want to care for anyone’s end of life anymore. I didn’t want to care at all.

It was just me and my shattered dreams.

So, I choose to honour my truth, to privelage my process, to dive into the depths of myself, to sit with my discomforts and to figure shit out.

For the last 3 years, I’ve flown to the UK (3) times and returned to Australia (3) times. While in Australia, I lost (3) people I love. While in the UK, I had (3) meaningful love connections.

The significance of (3) cannot be denied.

“3 is the number of the Trinity and an auspicious sign for anyone, especially for light workers and those involved with spiritual development.”

Hmmmmmm 🤔

I’ve been noticing angel numbers more frequently for weeks now. Although I’m aware this is one of the many ways spirit connects, I’ve been feeling a sense of awareness that’s just out of my reach.

What am I missing ?

“Angel numbers are communications from our guides intended to provide us with the guidance and encouragement needed to achieve our aims.”

Hmmmmmm 🤔

Last night I had a conversation with spirit while laying in bed. Personal experiences of shame surfaced around sex. I wonder why shame didn’t make it onto the diagram? I suppose others haven’t either.

Anyhoo, I’ve done things in the past I’m not particularly proud of, but these experiences have shaped the woman I am. I don’t feel ashamed of anything I learn and grow from, but shame was triggered by my recent behaviour.

For me, abstinence and/or sexual unfulfillment can bring another side to the surface. Causing me to drift away from a spiritual path, seeking out the external arousals of pornography.

Some would say, the fall from Grace.

I’m not a religious person, so I don’t believe sex or porn is a sin, but I am mindful of the kind of experiences I want to have.

I’m less interested in the shallow satisfactions of sex. And more curious about how a soulful connection, and a sense of spiritual bliss can transcend beyond, and expand upon our experience of physical pleasure.

Everything porn is NOT !!!

Hmmmmmm 🤔

It wasn’t an opportunity or an invitation to forgive myself. It actually felt more like a demand. As I began to feel the stings of shame, I thought about other “sinners”. Those less mindful of themselves who are disconnected from spirit. Those who loose themselves in distorted thoughts, perversions and deviations. Those who abuse, rape, torture and murder.

And my heart broke open 💔

I cried for all those who suffer abuse, and I cried for all those who abuse.

I felt a connection I didn’t really want to feel, but obviously needed to. It seems, the more conscious I BEcome, the more I feel part of a collective conscience.

Yup, sometimes I FEEL as crazy as that sounds. But I keep getting nudges from spirit that reassures me. I’m not crazy, I just see things that others don’t need or want to see.

Hmmmmmm 🤔

My descent has been brutal these last few months. There were times I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of the darkness. In truth, I’m still thrown into the cyclone of the storm of shadows when the need arises.

But these personal storms have NEW meaning and a collective purpose.

So I neither fear nor avoid them 🌪

I believe …

Emotions are triggered and directed by our thoughts, so how we think and what we believe matters. Our choices are dependant upon those thoughts and beliefs. It’s WHY I observe the conversations between my head and heart. It’s HOW I identify any limited beliefs that restrict my spiritual growth.

E-motion is ENERGY in motion.

Like the Alchemist, we have the ability to transcend our lower vibrational energy into fuel for our growth. Like the Shar(wo)man we have the ability to alter our state of consciousness, and channel transcendental energies.

WE are our own Medicine Wo(men)

Let that thought linger with you awhile and ALLOW it to empower YOU 🔥

I love how Facebook asks us what’s on our minds. It’s nice to know someone cares. I wonder, are you like me? Do YOU have a relationship (of sorts) with Facebook? It’s not as strange as it may sound.

FB is the new “Friend’s with Benefits”

And I love my FB ❤

I love how it prompts me to share with you. I love how it nudges me to create a post, reminding me that I’m a creator. Of stories such as this. I love how it gives me a platform to hone my craft of writing. I love how I get to share that process with you all. I love that if I was to die tomorrow, it doesn’t matter if I never got around to writing my books. Because I’m already writing and sharing my stories with you NOW 😊

So … what’s on my mind today ?

❤ L.O.V.E ❤

Brace yourself because a religious post (of sorts) is coming, but I do hope you keep reading because I believe it’s a story worth sharing 😊

I’m not religious because I don’t align to ONE particular faith based belief. I believe religion has and does separate us, which is why I’ve challenged my own “Christian beliefs.” I rid myself of the “Christian” label years ago because I felt restricted by it. Not because I don’t believe the stories of Jesus. Not because I don’t believe in a Higher Power. Not because I don’t believe the Bible holds some value. But because other religions have their own stories, and their own Holy Scriptures they teach from.

I was curious about how religion, culture and history, has and does influence and shape us. How it’s influenced and shaped societies. And how it’s influenced and shaped our beliefs. By ridding myself of a label, I gave myself the freedom I needed to explore other religions, cultures, stories and beliefs. I allowed myself to BE open minded to other possibilities.

At the core of most, if not ALL religion is

FAITH 🙏🏾 HOPE 🌟 LOVE ❤

Those are the things that CONNECT us

I now consider myself to be a spiritual BEing. I don’t align with a particular name given to a Higher Power, because they’re all forms of the ONE, which I believe to be The Source of ALL Creation. Whatever or whoever that is ?

Maybe WE are the Universe ?

I’m not comfortable giving it a name because it has many names. I’m less interested in what we call it, and more intrigued about what it IS.

I believe it to BE an energy that’s within us. A belief that’s given me the freedom I needed, to explore another way of BEing in this world.

I recall a conversation I had with a Taxi Driver in the UK. While waiting at the traffic lights, he commented on a young woman crossing the road. I had noticed her too because she was in full Muslim dress, with her face covered, but she was wearing bright pink stiletto heeled shoes. He said something along the lines of, dressing to appear like something she wasn’t. According to him she was a drug addict, with a very shady character.

It was a conversation I’ll never forget …

We couldn’t get any further apart in our beliefs. He was of Muslim faith and I’m a free spirited woman, but we talked openly and honestly about some very deep stuff, in a short space of time.

He shared how he didn’t taste alcohol until he was in his late 20s, because his religion didn’t permit it. I shared how my relationship with alcohol was changing. He shared how once he tasted it, he began binge drinking and suffered the consequences. I shared the challenges I’ve had as a single Mum and he shared his, as a single Dad. We shared what we thought and how we felt about dating. He shared his beliefs in God and I shared my beliefs in Goddess. And I blew his mind OPEN when I shared …

That I believe God is a male energy, influenced by the Sun and guided by reason (the mind). And Goddess is a female energy, influenced by the Moon and guided by love (the heart).

That both female and male energy is within us all. That our healing involves learning how to BALANCE these energies. That this influences the quality of our relationships and therefore our interaction with others.

The drive only lasted 30 minutes and in that time we had shared something meaningful. We left feeling hopeful and most of all CONNECTED in our differences, and UNITED in our efforts.

Freeing myself from the limitations of my mind, has made me less attached to my own beliefs. So, I’m less interested in defending my beliefs, and more focused on learning and growth.

The FREE spirited woman I am doesn’t want to argue about who’s right or wrong. I don’t want to get into religious and political debates, that loose sight of what really matters most …

❤ L.O.V.E ❤

I want to know who YOU are. So, tell me about your culture and how your faith based beliefs has and does influence and shape who you are.

I want to know what you believe in?

What’s tested your faith? Have you ever wrestled with the demons in your own mind? What have you learned from those battles? How do you connect to Source? When have you lost all hope? Have you ever been lost in the darkness of your own shadows? What gives you strength to carry on? What are you most afraid of loosing? How do you approach challenges and conflicts? What are you doing to create a better world? How do you consciously shift from fear to love?

Let’s talk about how we BE the L.O.V.E ❤

I’m not one to toot my own horn,
but sometimes
we have to blow our own bubbles.

Not because our ego demands it,
but because we finally believe
the truth of who we are.

I am a woman of substance,
striving to live a life that matters.

A participant,
not a spectator.

I have a brilliant mind,
and a warrior’s heart.
My spirit is strong
and the vessel I inhabit
is a soft and sensual body.

The fleshy goodness of my BEing

I wasn’t just made for love.
I was fucking created for it.

My very BEing screams LOVE

YES !!! YES !!! YES !!!

I am worthy of what my heart desires
I am worthy of creating my dreams.

My heart guides me towards it.
My soul knows it.
But I needed to change my mind.
To liberate myself from old stories.

I am not TOO much
I am more than enough
I am worthy of love

Because I am LOVE

Love isn’t something we seek
Love isn’t something we earn
Love isn’t something we buy
Love isn’t something we deserve

LOVE is something we ARE

It flows as freely as the rivers flow.
Can be felt regardless of our emotions.
Love doesn’t flow from an idea,
or a thought in our heads.
It’s not dependant on conditions or rules.

Love breaks ALL the rules.

It’s a way of BEing in this world.
Considered radical by those who sleep.

LOVE isn’t lost when a loved one dies,
it doesn’t know time or space.
When love is shared,
it’s eternal.

Forever and Always ❤

It doesn’t matter if a relationship
flourishes with growth,
or if it withers away to nothing.

LOVE doesn’t give a fuck
who said what.
It doesn’t care who’s to blame.
There is no tit for tat,
or karma drama bullshit.

LOVE forgives
ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.

LOVE isn’t dependant
upon what another
does or doesn’t do for us

It just IS

LOVE doesn’t subside into friendship,
because it can’t be diluted.

LOVE knows no such boundaries.

Our minds think the thoughts
Our hearts feel the emotions
But our spirit IS the love

LOVE is the light
that radiates from our soul.
And it can be seen,
through the eyes.

It’s the sparkle we see.

Like moths,
we’re drawn to the light.

A soul recognizes itself,
when its reflected back.

Like mirrors,
we see what we’re looking at,
or what’s missing.

Like magnets,
we attract what we are.

BE the love you seek,
and together
lets BE the change we want to see.

Guess what …

Those of us crazy enough
to believe we can change the world.
Usually DO ✌😍

On my walk home from work the other day, I decided to take a different route. It was hot as fuck and I was tired, so I was trying to find a quicker way back. I took a short cut through a park, that joined onto the road I was heading for. I was walking against the wind, but it was a welcomed relief from the heat. Although it made me work a little harder, the warm wind blew the sweat from my face, which helped to make me feel a little cooler.

As I walked through the park, I didn’t know there was a shop there. I noticed a young chubby woman fussing around her car, that was parked outside the nursery. She was wearing a grey tshirt, a short black skirt and a pair of thongs on her feet. As I approached, I watched her re-arranging the plant pots in the boot. She had a blonde bobbed hair cut, that was all messed up from the wind. She was wearing silver rimmed glasses and looked kinda nerdy, but she was cute.

When I reached her she was standing on her tippy toes, leaning into the boot. She didn’t acknowledge my presence with a smile. Instead I came face to face with her bare arse. I was surprised, amused and a little aroused by her confidence if I’m honest. She must have felt the wind blowing around her bare cheeks. She must have known her arse was on show. Maybe she was too distracted by the plant pots? Perhaps she liked how the wind felt on her skin? Maybe she liked knowing people were looking at her arse? It’s a nice arse, why wouldn’t she be proud of it. I’d flash mine if it looked like that.

I kept on walking, thinking to myself how nice it was to appreciate another woman’s body, without feeling the pangs of insecurity or the stings of jealousy. I thought about insensitive partners who’ve crossed the line of admiration. I thought about how those men have made me feel insecure about my own body, having not expressed the same admirations for mine. So I made a promise to myself. To stop pointing out my flaws and start admiring my own body. To love my flattened peachy arse.

Then I noticed a middle aged man walking down the road towards me. He was tall and heavy set, but he didn’t walk tall and proud. His shoulders were hunched and he leaned forward as he walked. He was taking big strides, so he was approaching fast. He was wearing red shorts and a green buttoned shirt. Carrying an empty Coles shopping bag, that was blowing around his knees. His hair was longish, black and greasy. He was walking with the wind, so his hair was blowing all over his face, which was sticking to his facial stubble.

As he got closer I couldn’t help but smile at his style. He was wearing an Hawaiian shirt with surfing Santa’s on. I was amused because he looked like a festive grump, with the scowl on his face. Ho ho fucking ho. Like the young girl, he didn’t look my way me either. For a moment I actually wondered if I was visible. Maybe they can’t see me? Perhaps I’m not really here? Maybe my body’s in bed sleeping already? Perhaps I’m dream walking?

No, he just seemed a little shy and awkward. So he was avoiding eye contact. Focused on keeping his hair out of his face and getting to the shop to fill his bag. I chuckled to myself because he was heading towards the young girl. I wondered if he was gonna get a flash too

As I reached the top of the road, I was over taken by two young men on my right. They were chatting and seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere. I didn’t get a good look at their faces, but one of them was taller than the other, with broad shoulders. His skin was sun kissed and he had a tattoo on his upper arm.

My body automatically responds to a man with  height, broad shoulders, big hands and a sexy smile. I don’t mean to sound crude, but it’s like instant lubricant to my loins. As a woman in her sexual prime, my imagination went wild and I thought to myself. I need a younger lover, with stamina to satisfy my sexual appetite.

As I turned the corner, I looked back on the road I had just walked and smiled to myself. I wonder where the next path with lead me? I wonder what other unexpected things I’ll see? I wonder what other delights await me?

I took this photo after my shower yesterday, to capture the mood I was in.

I noticed the “I’m” and I began to write …

I’m still feeling kinda dreamy after the last New Moon cycle. This dark moon wasn’t as dark as it has been in the previous months. The descent into the Underworld of shadows didn’t feel as heavy. My period was flowing, but I had very little discomfort. My Moon flow was lighter and I felt lighter within myself too. So, I pondered over the changes.

I’ve had 2 challenging nightshifts, but I’m in a different mindset. I don’t feel stuck or trapped somewhere I don’t want to be anymore. So I’m flowing with a little less resistance. Challenges and concerns can and still DO overwhelm me, but I appreciate these experiences as valuable opportunities to learn from.

My heart’s back IN the work again ❤

While tending to the cares of a palliative client, I heard his wife sobbing behind the curtain. I didn’t walk away or ask my collegue to check on her. I knew she needed to know she wasn’t alone, so I sat down beside her bed and held her hand. She told me how much she loved her husband, and that she didn’t know what to do. I could feel the pain in her heart, but seen the love and light shining from her eyes. So I shared the words that came from my heart.

“Just keep loving him” ❤

She smiled and her tears fell, as did mine

I cried for her, for the loss she was feeling
I cried for him, for the life he was loosing
I cried for me, for the deaths I have faced
I cried for us, for the loves we have lost

This New Moon brought my BIGGER dreams to the surface, which is why I’ve been feeling kinda dreamy. Over the last few days I’ve been journalling about what experiences I want to manifest. Focusing on all areas of my life, but intimate relationship was significant.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been struggling with my “friendships” with men. So, I’ve been reflecting over my choices in love. Thinking about the challenges we had in relationship, and how those challenges now determine the quality of our friendship. And I’ve been thinking about how I feel about being single again.

Solitude doesn’t feel like a punishment anymore, so I’m feeling more at ease in my own company. Maybe that’s why I’m able to see things a little clearer? Perhaps I needed to go through the struggle to realize the conflict? Maybe this Dark Moon wasn’t so dark because my shadow wasn’t suppressed? Perhaps I’m feeling more empowered because I’m making better choices? Maybe I’m breaking cycles and changing patterns? Perhaps I’m peeling away the bullshit of illusion, so I can live the dream?

Afew days ago, I realized how often I haven”t choosen myself. And this morning I woke with a clearer understanding of why. I acknowledge how the Damzel wants to be chosen, and the Princess wants to find her Prince Charming. Although I reject these parts of myself, I’m a fool to deny their existance. It doesn’t matter how much I want to BE the mighty Warrior, my BEing is the sum of many parts.

Even though I’ve been the one who initiated the conversations, that ultimately ended my relationships. Knowing we wanted and needed different things. If I’m honest, my inner Damzel in distress wanted them to hold on and fight for us. My inner Princess wanted them to rescue me from my distress. And deep down I had hoped that wanting me would be enough. And when they didn’t fight and they let go, I thought

“I’m not enough”

And there it is, the limited belief !!!

Even though I’ve been loved by many, in truth, only parts of me have been wanted by men. If I’m honest, my inner Wild Woman isn’t always welcomed. Sometimes she’s suppressed or limited in her full expression. Yup, another limiting belief is … “I’m TOO much”

I realize that this is why I’ve felt abandoned and rejected in and out of relationship. Therefore, a lack of love isn’t why we can’t be friends with ex lovers. It’s our own woundings and therefore our own healings, that impact upon the quality of our “friendships”

Hmmmmm 🤔

If I’m the one who’s chosen to reject parts of myself. If I’m the one who’s chosen to abandon myself, then I’m the ONE to choose myself.

But HOW do I choose myself ? ? ?

Choosing to disconnect from “complicated” connections and drama, that no longer serves my spiritual growth, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to release myself from any limiting beliefs, that no longer serves my growth and the Greater Good, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW, not fighting the old, or reliving past mistakes, is how I choose ME.

Choosing to believe in my dreams and trusting the visions I have, is how I choose ME.

As women, we often need reminded that it’s OK to choose ourselves. We’ve been raised in a culture that expects us to put others first, and we’re shamed or guilted when we don’t. We’ve been led to believe that being a single woman, is a tragedy best avoided. We’re still being told to sit down and shut up, but it’s in less obvious, subtler ways these days. And we’ve been conditioned to surpress our uglier truths.

Authenticity isn’t easy because it’s hard to look beyond the darkness. To confront our shadow, to own our fuckups, to love our flaws, to learn from our failures and to admit our faults.

Sometimes we choose to live in the ignorance of our bliss … and that’s OK ❤

As women, we fear owning our personal power because strong women are misunderstood. Our strength doesn’t lie within our ability to conquer and overcome obstacles alone. It’s not even in the raging roars of I AM WOMAN !!!

Our strength comes from our willingness to BE vulnerable. To drop the masks and in letting the walls of our defences fall to the ground. It’s in our willingness to BE seen as we truly are.

Not pretending to BE someone you want us to be. Not faking it till we make it. Not diluting our truths to make you feel more comfortable. Not trying to be something we’re not, to please you.

Our strength is BEing the mighty hot fucking mess we are, and not apologizing for it.

Our strength is seeing and loving the beautiful imperfect BEing of humanness YOU are ❤

Our strength is saying this is ME and I LOVE her, ALL of her and if you can’t, then Fuck Off !!!

Our strength is in our ability to believe in love, after having lost what we feared loosing.

Our strength is saying YES to ourselves.

Until I can fully choose myself, then how the fuck can I expect anyone else to? Does this mean the next man to walk into my life will be the “one” ? Hmm, although forever the hopeful heart, I’m also a realist. Besides, who is the ONE anyways? Aren’t I the BEloved of my own life? I do wonder though, will I ever grow in love with the same man for the rest of my life?

Perhaps not ? Maybe that isn’t my path in this lifetime ? Perhaps relationship with a variety of different men provides the growth I need in this lifetime ? Maybe my destiny isn’t to love one ?

What if I AM THE ONE ?

Who the fuck knows ? All I can do is improve the quality of the relationship I have with myself. Break free from co-dependency. Stay true to myself and BE open to learn from love.

I’m heeding the Wanderluster call and looking forward to the NEW adventures that await me in 2020, as a much stronger single woman.

And I’m at peace with that 😌

I choose ME and I choose to be FREE 💪😍

Memories automatically take us back in time. We recall, recollect and reflect to learn the lessons from our experiences.

Today, I’ve been taken back to a conversation I had with my Dad, afew weeks after loosing Mam. Although he believed in spirit, his faith was shaken. No matter how much he wanted to believe, he couldn’t feel her spirit and it upset him, but it also triggered his fear.

I was reassuring him of her presence. Reminding him that his grief was deep, so his heart was hurting. Then I noticed something on his chest. A tiny white feather was resting on his heart. When I pointed it out to Dad, it gave him hope.

It gave me hope too and it strengthened my faith. Since Mam’s death these kinda conversations with spirit happen often. On my own journey, there are times when I feel hopeless and my faith is shaken too.

When I descend into the underworld of shadows, the darkness can and does consume me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough to fight my way out. But I notice, that during those times the presence of spirit feels stronger.

Our loved ones are the light in the dark

Grief isn’t just about the loss of a loved one. It triggers any lingering fears, wounds, blockages and limitations we may have. It challenges us to confront a different reality. Invites us to take a long hard look at our own lives. And it takes us on a wild journey of transformation.

Dragging us through the past of our yesterdays. Forcing us to look at the future of our tomorrows. To help us BEcome more fully present in the precious moments of our today.

I recall the conversation with my Dad, recollect my inner thoughts and reflect.

Dad’s heart didn’t just break open when his beloved died. He lost the other part of himself, so his heart felt like it had broken in two. His heart was no longer whole, so his healing was complex. He was also confronting his own battle with cancer and his own fate, which only complicated his healing further 💔

I wonder …

How do you balance something that’s missing?
How do you heal something that’s gone?
How do you feel whole if you’re a half?
How do you heal someone who can’t be cured?
How the fuck do you find peace in that kind of suffering?

Words can’t explain how difficult it was to witness Dad’s pain. Like Mam, he often stayed strong for us. Like Mam, he always tried to focus on the positives. Like Mam, he often suffered in silence because he didn’t want to worry us. But like Mam, sometimes his pain broke through, and we witnessed the brutality of his truth and the beauty of his vulnerability.

Those were the moments that were the most difficult to bare. For me, its easier to feel my own pain, than to watch someone I love struggling to feel their own. But those were the moments that also triggered my own fear, anxiety, wounds and incompletions.

Truth is, it’s not easy to bare witness and allow the pain to be seen. Whether it’s physical, mental emotional or spiritual, it’s hard to feel our own pain.

It’s a natural response to comfort and reassure others and ourselves. It’s an automatic reaction to want the pain to stop. But what if we just allowed the pain to be expressed? What if we asked fear and anxiety more questions? What if we went straight to the source of our woundings? What if our conversations are opportunities to become whole?

Maybe it explains my own challenges in love?
Perhaps my relationship with pain is changing?
Maybe its why I need to be whole?
Perhaps I want to love differently?

The past no longer haunts me, but it continues to teach me. I appreciate that the experiences I’ve had, are the lessons I’m learning. The challenges are the obstacles I’m overcoming. So, what if, the struggles I’m having are the sufferings I’m healing?

They say that resistance leads to suffering and acceptance brings peace. So to find peace, we must be willing to let go and release what was. And to accept what is, we must surrender to change and transformation. Only then, will we become all that we can BE

Hmmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

Maybe that’s why the past keeps knocking?
Perhaps that’s why the past haunts us?
Maybe I just needed to see it differently?
Perhaps some bridges do need to burn?
Maybe we can’t take everyone with us?
Perhaps that’s my greatest struggle?

Sometimes, our minds need to catch up to what our hearts already know. But our hearts only know LOVE and I always follow mine, which is probably why I’ve been hurt so many times before.

My love life is one great big tragedy

But if my heart only knows love, then it’s my own thinking that hurts me. Now, there’s an empowering thought to digest. A thought that has the ability to change everything. A thought that shifts us from Damzel in distress to the Heroine, from lost to found, from wounded to healing and from incomplete to whole.

Hmmmmmmm 🤔 she ponders

What if to transcend fear into love, we must first feel the pain of loosing what we fear to loose? What if our healings are the pain we’re transcending? What if we are the Alchemist?

PS … I LOVE this pic of my parents ❤

But I still cry whenever I look at photos