I woke this morning thinking about my relationship with
LIFE and LOVE
How its an IN-haling and EX-haling process
Breathing IN life and breathing OUT love
Going IN to understand myself
Then reaching OUT to connect with others
A dance between solitude and sharing
Meditation and conversation
My thoughts drifted towards relationship with other
Thinking about what I learn from the masculine
What the last (3) intimate connections have taught me
How and why they ended
Recognizing when it felt right to part ways
Knowing what was right for them, not just me
Although I still feel myself holding on
I’m learning how to let go with a little less resistance
To flow with a little more grace
More conscious of myself
Recognizing the reason, season and lifetime
The need that attracted us to each other
The experiences we shared together
My openness to love
But my inability to settle
What falling in love means to me?
When and why I’ve fallen
My resistance to falling and a desire to rise
How it reflects my heart committing to the relationship
My need to grow together
A desire for a divine experience and sacred union
And what that reflects within me
Although I contemplate, reflect and journal about my relationships
And openly discuss my experiences within my circle of trust
I don’t share the details of my intimate challenges
Or my relationship struggles in the same way I used to
I’m honouring the relationship
Privilege the experience
And respecting the man
Grateful for the lessons in LOVE
My focus is on how the relationship served us
Rather than the wrong doings of the man
I take full responsibility for my experience and situation
Exploring the reflections, wounds and imbalance more consciously
Masculine and Feminine
Leaning into the tensions with more intention
And dissolving the conflicts
My mind seeks meaning and my heart seeks forgiveness
Because that’s what LOVE does
As I’m writing this
I hear a tapping on the window
It’s one of the cherub wrens fluttering around outside
Singing his sweet angelic song
I get up to open the curtain and smile
I’m not sleeping as much as I have been
My soul no longer feels tired
The more I focus on BEing rather than DOing
I notice how I wake feeling more rested
Even after only a few hours’ sleep
Although these are challenging and uncertain times
I’m not feeding my fear, so I don’t feel anxious
Wondering, but not worrying
My heart feels calmer and my mind is clearer
I realize that I’m no longer healing, but rebuilding
NOW is the time to focus my time and energy on creating the NEW
I ask myself …
What are my BIGGEST dreams?
What have I imagined?
What do I believe in?
What can I DO?
What am I creating?
My motto…
Dream it, Imagine it, Action it, Create it, Live it
Self-improvement tools are flowing my way
Opportunities to invest in myself are more affordable
Solitude feels a little less lonely
Isolation seems a little more purposeful
As I type, I look around and pay attention to my environment
The comfortable bed I’m sitting in
The view of the trees from my window
The sounds of the rain and birds
The smell of the damp earth
I enjoy being alone in Nature so much more than I ever have before
Solitude has become something I need
And Nature something I am
Gratitude overwhelms
And I feel contentment
I wonder,
How is it possible to feel this way during these times?
Why am I feeling at peace when the world is in chaos?
I know the answer
Because I’ve already felt the separation from loved ones
And found the deeper connection
We’ve already been through hell and back many times over
Already confronted and lived our worst nightmare
Our world has already been torn apart and shattered
We’ve already been broken and have lost so much
And I’ve LET GO of so much more
Surrendering over and over and over again
Until ripped bare of my defences
Naked and vulnerable
Open and bleeding
LOVE
I can stay focused on what matters most
Because I’ve learned the hard lessons
My mind drifts towards the collective conscience
And I feel the need to meditate with deeper intention
To deeply IN-hale life and EX-hale love
To breathe the fear deeper into my lungs
To where the virus dwells
A physical manifestation of the grief
I feel grounded with a deep connection to Gaia
The ancestral mother of ALL life
The primal Mother Earth goddess
My crown chakra is open to the Divine
I feel the spirit of our beloved Mother
And a connection to the collective Mother wound
On each breath I’m told to focus
Inhale LIFE and exhale LOVE
Breathe IN fear and breathe OUT the pain
Breathe IN pain and breathe OUT the suffering
Breathe IN suffering and breathe OUT the life
Breathe IN life and breathe OUT the love
Until the energy is transformed
From FEAR to LOVE
My BE-loveds
Alchemy isn’t magic
It’s science
YOU are the Magick

Although staying informed, I haven’t been turning on the news, doing research or actively engaging in debates and discussions. When the pandemic began to impact upon my own life, I needed to pull back and BE alone with my thoughts and feelings. To sit with and understand my own fears and concerns, without being influenced by external fear.

My sisters and I are so much more honest with ourselves and each other about what we think and how we feel. The death of our beloved parents has only strengthened our love and connection to each other. Although we love each other dearly and enjoy one another’s company, neither of us were keen on going into lock down together. All (3) of us live very different lifestyles with different priorities. Mine is to focus my energy on the new direction I need to move towards. To honour my healing and writing process. To appreciate the opportunity for growth and transformation during these challenging times of change. To prioritize my relationship with spirit and strengthen my connection to the divine, and to do that I need solitude in a place that feels safe.

So, that’s what brought me here to Heaven in the Hills, which is a place I have a little history with. Back in 2009 I was a single mum of (3) teens, working as a nurse in Aged Care and studying full time at university. I would come here to reconnect and recharge my batteries whenever I needed the additional support to self-care. This is the place I began to expand upon my objective mind and re-open to Other Worldly possibilities. I say re-open because as a child our parents told stories of such worlds, so I always felt that connection. My time here was always relaxing and rejuvenating, but I also had a few interesting experiences: A reike massage that introduced me to the release of suppressed emotion (not always pleasant). An intense gong meditation that took me on a wild visual ride through the jungle as a Tiger, above the valleys as an Eagle and in the ocean as a Whale (intense). And it was here I had my first up close encounter with a Nature spirit (the out of this world kinda crazy).

So, when it popped up in our Airnb search, I couldn’t believe my eyes (but the price was way out of my budget). Fortunately, I listened to my sister, who prompted me to message her anyway. To ask if she could drop the price (which she kindly did do). The last time I was here was back in 2011 and after catching up with the owner, she hasn’t been here herself for 8 years. She had rented the property as a retreat to someone working with addictions, and only returned last year to clean up the place because it’s up for sale. It still amazes me how the web of fate is weaved through our lives, bringing us towards the experiences and people meant for us. When I realized that self-isolation was on the cards, I never imagined I would be here again, but here I am.

When I left Chenrezig I was ready to take the next step into the unknown, but I never imagined I would be stepping into a global pandemic. I’ve already shared my thoughts and feelings about my first reaction to COVID-19 in my previous blog, but I want to expand upon my resistance. I’ll be honest, I didn’t react from a place of love because although I didn’t feel afraid, my fear had been activated. That’s why it’s taken me a few weeks to connect with the collective experience. First, I needed to dive in to acknowledge, process, express and rise above my own fear. Otherwise I disown my personal experience, by externally projecting the darkness instead of illuminating the fear within myself.

So, what does that actually mean?

It meant getting honest with myself, by shining a light on my own behaviour. To observe the thoughts that energized my emotions, influencing my choices. It meant taking back my power when I don’t feel in control. A realization that gives me those soulful goosybumps, as I recall my reike session not long after Dad and Christie’s death. Validating my need to work around my solar plexus, because my work will involve supporting the personal empowerment of others, which validated my pull towards Uluru, which is Gaia’s solar plexus.

Flowing with Universal energies is how the Full Moon illuminates our truth.

So, what surfaced for me this Full Moon in Libra?

Well, on the lead up to the Full Moon I noticed an increase in my craving for other, which led to some shady behaviours. I noticed how my habitual pattern to reach out and/or attract male attention is a resistance to go deeper into the discomforts. So, I leaned into the resistance with a little more curiosity. Noticing whenever I was confronted with another rule that served to restrict me, I felt the tension. Although I understand the need for infection control guidelines to protect our vulnerable, I’m reactive to the rules.

So, I asked myself …

Why do I feel like I’m stepping back in time?

Why do I feel like my civil rights are being taken away from me?

Why do I feel angry, defensive and afraid?

Why do I feel the need to rebel?

Why do I feel the need to fight for my freedom?

I needed to acknowledge how experiences from the past was triggering my deepest fear. History was pulling on my attention because I needed to look at what I was the most afraid of. I needed to see how and why wars were fought. To feel the painful devastation of mass destruction, that is happening on a global scale in the here and NOW.

We have every reason to be afraid !!!

A friend sent me a video of a news report this morning. It talked about how China is benefiting from this pandemic and the suspicions about their plans for world domination. It triggered the unsettled feeling I’ve had in my guts since the news of COVID-19. The fear that if we don’t stay focused on creating the NEW, we will suffer the consequences of political control and manipulation.

I began researching what scientists say coronavirus is and the source of its creation, and continued to look back on historical tensions between China and America. While writing about COVID-19 and the political directions, I was interrupted and wrote …

NOW isn’t the time to separate in blame, panic or fear, but to inform ourselves and protect each other. Respecting infection control guidelines to protect the vulnerable but exposing the healthy for immunity. Don’t fear it. Have faith in your healthy body’s ability to heal itself. Our gaze should be on the government, but NOT to blame. To understand their agendas because like it or not, they don’t just think of the people.

It can be argued that this was just my own mind changing course (as it does), or was it divine intervention? Regardless if it was my higher self or an angel whispering in my ear, it redirected my focus in the direction of LOVE.

As a light worker, I surrender to the call to serve my highest good and the Greater good of ALL, which means choosing LOVE. Surrendering to the call to serve the light means choosing love, but not without acknowledging the fear (personal and collective). I stay in the light to serve love during dark times, not by being Little Miss Sunshine, but by being true to myself. The truth is I can’t see what lies ahead of us during these times of uncertainty. I just know I need to keep trusting the call to BE the LOVE and share the LIGHT.

I share my thoughts, feelings and process because I hope it offers insights into how our fear, resistance, tensions and conflicts creates our shadow, that manifests the darkness (internal and external).

A Universal truth is …

Life is about change and we suffer when we resist this truth. Like Nature, we are created to flow through our seasons, transition through our cycles, heal our wounds, grow from our losses, transform and evolve. That is the meaning of life, but the truth we attach to it will depend upon our individual stories, that are either motivated by love or fear. These are the polarities we must learn how to integrate within ourselves, otherwise we unconsciously keep reacting from a place of craving for the positive and aversion for the negative.

It’s only then, from this integrated place that we will begin to fully flow and live the reality of our truth (good and bad). Although I’ve come to this realization, I’m trying to show how I still feel the resistance and confront the choice to either react from fear of love. Every day and in every moment, we are given a choice to either stand in the light and choose love (or) withdraw into our shadow and react from fear. I serve my highest good by continually asking myself …

What would love do?

And I allow those answers to guide me.

By sharing my own resistance, I hope this helps to shine a little light on your own fear responses. These are challenging times, but it’s also an opportunity for the kinda change that usually takes decades. So, lets not waste it.

During times of uncertainty, I frequently ask myself and am now asking YOU

How are you feeling?
What are you thinking?

These are uncertain times for us all, which is why I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings. As I dive a little deeper, I’m being a little more honest and open about how I reacted to news of COVID 19 and the current restrictions.

When I first heard the breaking news, I felt the niggling sensation of doubt, which tickled my curiosity. I wondered, why this and why now? Wonderings that wanted to know the truth behind the source of its creation and who would be benefiting the most from this global pandemic. My mind gravitated towards the political agendas, which triggered my fear because I felt like my newfound sense of freedom was under threat. As the days unfolded, I began to feel the bitter sting of resentment because once again life feels unfair. It seems every time I finally get a grip on reality as it IS and whenever I adjust to another major life change, life delivers yet another curve ball to remind me.

“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional”. (Glenda Cloud).

Hmmmmm … why do such insights still piss me off ???

I spent the last 2 months in Chenrezig, contemplating why I felt stuck. By confronting the source of my agitation I came face to face with my resistance, and gained deeper insight into the nature of my own mind.

But what do I mean by that ???

Well, I already know I struggle with heat and humidity because my body temperature has always ran hot and I’m perimenopausal, which is why it didn’t really make sense to find myself working in a hot kitchen, during the hottest time of year in Queensland, in the humidity of the mountains (or) perhaps it made perfect sense. I was in a constant state of physical discomfort, which is what activated my agitated state of mind and then attracted the “Tormentors” (aka March flies). The longer I sat with my discomfort, the deeper I explored my agitation, the more I talked about my irritation, the more I understood my frustration. I noticed how I was becoming impatient with grief and therefore resisting the need to sit with my pain and suffering.

“It isn’t impermanence that makes us suffer, its wanting things to be permanent when they are not” (Nhat Hanh).

I sat with the full intensity of my insecurities and uncertainties and accepted the heart-breaking reality of what IS. Acknowledging that my life has never been about security or settling. Accepting that my gypsy soul needs to wander as part of my healing process and soul purpose. So. I left Chenrezig feeling a little more certain of my direction, only to find myself stepping back into society during a time of even GREATER uncertainty. After going through my own personal apocalyptic experience, I now find myself in a global Armageddon.

What the actual FUCK ???

I felt a mixture of frustration and concern when the government started to tell us to stay home to reduce the spread of infection. My home is in the form of a rented camper van because my bohemian spirit wants to wander, but I’m being told to not wander. After battling with myself for a few days, I thought, it’s OK I can camp in National Parks and still have the adventure and experiences I need to have, but then that option was taken away too. Having trained as a nurse, I know the importance of preventing the spread of infection to protect the vulnerable, but my inner rebel also reacts to being told what she can and can’t do from authority figures. Although I agree with the necessary restrictions, I still feel oppressed and uneasy about the unforeseeable future that lies ahead of us.

That’s when I noticed how my thoughts were consumed with what I couldn’t or didn’t want to do. So, I began to lean into the tension without resisting what was arising, by observing how I was reacting to what I was thinking.

Questions arose and I’m going to share my answers …

Why am I struggling?
Because life has thrown me yet another curve ball

What am I holding onto?
My sense of freedom

Why do I feel like I’m living someone else’s life?
Because I don’t feel in control

Who is making me feel like a burden or an intruder?
Myself, because I’m not living my own life on my own terms in my own way

How do I really feel about life not going to plan or as hoped AGAIN?
PISSED OFF !!!

What am I most afraid of?
Being controlled and manipulated by the forces I seek liberation from

More questions arose …

What if the collective unconsciousness is manifesting for a reason?
How can this challenging experience serve our healing and growth?
Have I learned anything of value that I can now share with others?

Hmmmmm … one would hope I’ve learned something

Over the last (3) years my family and I frequently put ourselves in lock down to protect our parents from infection, to prioritise their end of life care and to privilege our need to mourn. So, isolation and solitude aren’t anything new for us, but I thought those times were behind us. My sisters and I went through things that challenged us to dig deeper, which meant different things for each of us. For me, it meant digging deeper into the roots of my foundation, to explore my sense of security. My life has been full of detours, roadblocks, U-turns and roundabouts, so I understand the meaning of impermanence, but I now find myself in groundlessness. Although safe in my sisters home, I feel a strong desire to retreat deeper into Nature, so I’m feeling a little confused.

Why would I want to leave the safety?
What is calling me deeper into Nature?
How can I heed the call without putting others at risk?

Thoughts and emotions continue to flow through me, while my energetic body feels kinda suspended. Hovering above shaky ground in a state of levitation. As if an upward force is counteracting the pull of gravity, so I neither fall nor fly. Instead of falling apart, breaking open or running away I’m being called to focus on how I can remain balanced and fully present in the moments.

When our parents were diagnosed with incurable cancer within 8 months of each other, I struggled with reality because what I had feared most had manifested. Sometimes it felt like I was living in an alternate reality, as if we were actors playing a part in a story that someone else was writing. Sometimes it felt like I was having an out of body experience. My mind would switch off, my heart would close for repair and/or my soul would temporarily step out for a break. Staying completely present in some moments wasn’t always easy for me to do, which is what contributed to my experiences of PTSD. I believe traumatic memories resurfaced because I hadn’t fully processed, felt and released them.

Why am I sharing something from my past ???

Because once again I’m struggling with reality and know I’m not alone.

Although I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PTSD, I recognized the symptoms. No, I didn’t google it, I’ve actively studied (undergraduate degree in psychology and post graduate degree in counselling), and worked with mental health in Aged Care for 20 years.  But instead of going to the Doctor for a mental health referral, I trusted my own inner guidance. Asking myself what I needed, listening to my inner Medicine Woman, who led me towards the experiences and support I needed: Spending more time in Nature to reconnect. Seeking solitude to read through Mam’s journals and dive deeper into the depths of my own psyche. Using energetic therapies such as crystals, reiki and kinesiology, to clear blockages and align my energetic BEing of rainbow light. Seeking refuge in a Buddhist Institute of Learning, to better understand the nature of my own mind and reading books on the topics that interested me. Experiences that helped me to expand upon my understanding of grief and PTSD.

Cancer, death, grief and loss have guided me deeper and deeper on the road less travelled. A path I keep trusting even when I don’t always understand it. During times of chaos I focus on integrating psychological growth and spiritual attunement, to access intuitive guidance because its how I expand my consciousness. I do this because I no longer believe a crisis is a problem to be solved, but our greatest opportunity for healing and growth. A psycho spiritual approach “engages the mind, body and spirit, moving beyond problematic life patterns and overcoming traumatic life experiences.” Expanding upon traditional theories, by accessing our higher consciousness through things like meditation, self-awareness, mindfulness and creative expression, which is why I keep trusting my inner guidance.

I refer back to my initial reaction to the COVID 19

Who can benefit the most from this global pandemic ???

And realize there is more to gain than loose from this challenging experience.

According to the star gazers this is a revolutionary time of spiritual awakening. Whatever the source of this virus was, it has created the conditions for change. Nature is healing and Universal energies are flowing. Although fate is written in the stars, our destiny depends upon the choices we make. We can choose to react from fear (or) love. We’ve already witnessed both the fear and love in action, so you know what I’m talking about.

So, I ask YOU …

Are you willing to dig deeper into your truth so you can BE the love we need? Are you open to accept the possibility that this pandemic is NOT the crisis we think it is, but an opportunity for healing and growth? Are you doing what needs to be done to benefit future generations? Are you willing to peel back the layers of your identity and discover the truth of your BEing?

I invite you to notice your response to those questions and explore any discomfort and/or resistance that arises within you.

As I learn more about my own mental health challenges, I’m able to share my own struggles with an ever-changing reality with a little more clarity. Sharing how my search for inner peace has led me towards accepting that pain and suffering cannot be eliminated, but must be felt in its entirety so it can be alchemized into the pure love it is.

Instead of resisting the tensions, conflicts, chaos and necessary changes that come with a crisis, lets learn how to relax into this global challenge. Focusing on the opportunity for healing and growth as the collective conscience we are. Because whether we like it or not, we are ALL in this together and we each have an important role to play.

What is my role?
What are my responsibilities?

The answer to those questions will vary depending on who we are

I’m finally grasping Einsteins theory of reality being an illusion because our version of reality depends upon how we perceive it, which usually has nothing to do with the actual truth. To see the truth of reality as it IS we must be willing to let go of any conclusions we have come to and fully surrender to the impermanence of life, which is scary. We are afraid to do this because it means letting go when we innately feel the need to hold on. It’s breaking the habits of a life time (sometimes several).

This is the road less travelled, that I and many others continue to walk. We are the social misfits who challenge what IS because we see and feel how the collective wounds impact upon our individual experiences. We are the wounded healers who are guided IN to heal our own wounds, so we can help others to BE the change our world needs.

I’m not sharing my thoughts and feelings to convince you what I believe is true, because my beliefs are informed by the experiences I have. Therefore, my beliefs also change and that is the point of my sharings.

“When we resist change its called suffering, but when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that is called enlightenment.” (Pema Chodron).

Having already experienced the tensions between my inner masculine & feminine, and the conflicts that arise from my shadow (which is the suppressed parts of myself). I’m learning the importance of integrating our dualities.

“Wholeness isn’t achieved by cutting off a portion of ones being,
but by integration of the contraries.” (Carl Jung).

I’m learning how to navigate my inner world with a little more insight. So, I notice how often my conditioned mind, distorted thought patterns, coping strategies, defense mechanisms and habitual behaviours limit me. Although I’ve experienced a spiritual awakening, I noticed how my struggle with conflicting truths intensified after the death of our beloved Father and the unexpected death of a beloved soul sister … and I wondered WHY ?

Apparently, there are (7) stages of spiritual awakening.

1. Unhappiness and emptiness
2. Perception shifts
3. Seeking answers and meaning
4. Finding answers and experiencing breakthroughs
5. Disillusionment and feeling lost
6. Deeper inner work
7. Integration, expansion and JOY

I recognize that after Mams death, I was moving through stages (3) and (4). After Dads death, I was stuck in stage (5), which is WHY I came to Chenrezig to do the deeper inner work. Whether I believe I am a spiritual BEing having a human experience (or) a human BEing having a spiritual experience, I wasn’t feeling a wholeness in my BEing. I was experiencing myself as two separate parts, which created tension that was restricting my energy flow. Although my higher self has awoken to deeper truths, my habitual humanness still struggles to let go of dysfunctional thought patterns, unhealthy behavioural cycles and limited beliefs … and I wondered WHY ?

Before coming to Chenrezig I acknowledged, that although it was only a small step in the right direction, it somehow felt like I was taking a giant leap into my Faith. I suppose it made sense, considering I also acknowledged the need for more spiritual support. I came to Chenrezig because I was struggling with myself: I wasn’t where I wanted to be, I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do, and I wasn’t sure how to get to where I wanted to go. Like many others, I came seeking refuge, but didn’t really understand what that meant to me. I just knew that the help I needed was yet to be found.

I reflected over my grief process and wondered WHY I felt stuck ?

Grief isn’t just the sadness we feel because of what we have lost, it also guides us through our own process of change. Grief isn’t just a mourning experience, its also a transition and a NEW beginning for us. Everyone’s grief process is unique, so this is a little insight into mine. I felt the pain of my heart breaking the moment I was told of Mams diagnosis, which propelled me into a state of grief before we actually lost her. My experience of anticipatory grief took me on a very lonely journey. Throughout the dying process and after her death, my heart kept breaking open to deeper truths about love. Although I began to connect with her spirit a few days before her death, I still experienced the tensions in my heart. Tensions that guided me to certain places and people in the UK, that were instrumental to my healing, but my experience has been different with Dad.

When Dad was first diagnosed, I felt the tension in my head because I had a mental response, instead of an emotional reaction. I was conflicted between going ahead with my plans to move to the UK (or) to put my plans on hold. Throughout the dying process and after his death, I continued to experience the tension in my head. Some people believe its because I haven’t been able to fully feel the pain of my loss, but I disagree. I still feel the waves of sadness in my heart, but I know it wasn’t my heart that needed to break open.

I knew the persistent tension in my head was a resistance in my mind, but I couldn’t see what it was and I didn’t know how to shift it. So, I booked in for a reike session for some additional energetic support. During that session I didn’t tell her why I was there because I prefer people to be guided by spirit. Being intuitive, she picked up on the tension in my head, mentioned the need to energize my solar plexus and was overwhelmed by the openness of my heart chakra. She said she had never seen one like it before because it was crystallized … and I knew why.

I’ve come to my own realizations, but I’m not ready to share my story in its entirety just yet. I’ve already shared my thoughts about family as a system. How I see the Mother as being the heart and the Father as being the head. So it makes perfect sense to me, that the loss of our beloved Mother broke my heart open to deeper truths about love, and the loss of our beloved Father is opening my mind to deeper truths about life. As crazy as it may sound to some, I believe more than ever that our loss and healing is a collective experience. A belief that continues to guide me on the spiritual path I’m called to walk, and the process I keep trusting, even when I don’t always understand it.

My mind is still too agitated to be at peace, but I have found the teachings I need to achieve it. Buddhist teachings are heavily rooted in psychology and philosophy, which is what sets it a part from religion. It encourages us to know the nature of our own mind, helping us to recognize how an agitated mind creates suffering, which can then manifest into dis-orders and dis-ease. It was so validating to hear the Monk say this during a teaching, because I’ve been saying it for years. Buddhism is more interested in our current state of BEing, than what our faith based beliefs are, which is what appeals most to me. According to the Buddhist, an enlightened mind is fully present in the moment. Able to see the truth of reality as it really is without grasping, avoiding or attaching. If we are willing to be completely honest with ourselves, we will notice how often we mindlessly drift though our days on auto pilot, grasping, avoiding and attaching.

In hindsight, I wish I had studied Buddhism much earlier in life. Maybe I would have cared for our parents end of life with less anxiety? Perhaps I would have processed my grief with less trauma? But what if I had to experience the struggles to better understand my own suffering? Maybe this is all part of the healing process? Perhaps the experience is teaching me the skills I will need on the path? Maybe its guiding me towards my destiny?

I’ve been living and working at Chenrezig for 2 months and am so very grateful for the experience. The community not only opened its arms and embraced me, but the people have offered love, compassion and kindness, as they supported me though some very challenging times. I’ve met so many beautiful souls with open hearts and minds, learned some valuable lessons in the most unexpected ways, experienced a new way of BEing, which has opened up the path to so many more possibilities. I feel myself coming into alignment, as I integrate my spirit and dance with life once again. So, as I prepare myself to leave in a few days, I take the next steps with a stronger sense of faith in the journey.

I’ve been reflecting over why I keep reliving the same difficult memories that trigger uncomfortable emotions. Wondering why I keep finding myself confronting the same thoughts and feelings over and over again? I know grief comes in ebbs and flows, but I wonder why are some waves rougher than others?

I recall a conversation I had with a young man, who had been a little quieter than usual for a few days. While we were talking he shared the reason why he hadn’t been his usual self. It had been the anniversary of his Mum and Grandmothers death. He said “my soul was sleeping.”

His words stayed with me because they felt significant.

While chopping vegetables in the kitchen a few days later, my mind kept drifting away in reflection. To be honest I didn’t really want to be there because I felt tired and drained, from all the mental processing and emotional releasing the day before. Yet my mind was STILL active, as I thought about the images and memories that had overwhelmed me so much.

My greatest struggle is an inner conflict between two parts of myself …

BEing a human who experiences suffering
And a spiritual BEing who IS the love and light

How the fuck do I align these parts of myself ?

Which is WHY I’m here, in a Buddhist retreat seeking refuge.

Its not easy to BE fully present during the tragedies of loss, which is why some of us then struggle with the process of grief. My experience of PTSD keeps inviting me to relive the trauma because there’s a need to complete the process. To acknowledge how I really thought about the situation, allowing the emotions to rise and fall without suppressing them, until the energy eventually shifts.

Only then, will I be able to experience the RELEASE

I’ve already done this again and again and again, which is why I get so frustrated when things resurface. I know I’m a little harder on myself because I’ve studied and worked with grief and loss for 20 years. I understand that grief isn’t a process that begins when we loose our loved ones. The anticipation of our loss began the day Dad was diagnosed with incurable cancer (October 2016), so part of me is OVER IT already because I’ve been processing grief for over 3 years.

“When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think”

My struggle the other day had been triggered by Granda’s anniversary and some conversations. It was the images of loved ones on death beds and in coffins that triggered my memories, which then brought rise to the wave of emotions. Its never easy to look upon unpleasant images, relive painful memories and feel uncomfortable emotions, even in reflection.

Its difficult to remain fully PRESENT with those experiences.

I wondered …

Why do we struggle to BE fully present in the moments?
Why do we not share what we truly think?
Why do we suppress our emotions?
Why do we shut ourselves off from an experience?
Why do we over react in other situations?

I acknowledge …

Some experiences automatically trigger out defense and coping mechanisms, which prevents us from being fully present in the moments. As I reflected over the images that trigger those reactions in me. I realize how part of my BEing was absent during those times. The times I had to think like a nurse and not feel like a daughter, which suppressed the full flow of my emotions. The times I wanted to break down, but had to keep going. The times when life felt surreal, as if I was having an out of body experience.

Sometimes our mind shuts down
Sometimes our heart closes
Sometimes our soul sleeps

I wondered …

Are the memories inviting me to BE fully present with them? To bring my mind, body and spirit in alignment, to experience the trauma as a whole BEing? 

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Did you notice the flow of my writing in the previous blog ?

How I began writing about Granda, but then my thoughts wandered towards my need for intimacy, which is a great example of how we struggle to remain present with our pain. So, I reflected over my cravings yesterday …

My craving for intimacy was my need to be seen
My craving to be held was my need to feel comforted
My craving to fuck was my need to relieve tension
My craving to drink whiskey was my need to dull the mental anguish
My craving for chocolate was my need for feel good endorphins

Hmmmmmmm (she ponders)

Suffering is the experience of mental, physical or emotional pain, which none of us can prevent from happening because of the impermanence of life. We not only suffer the consequence of some of our own choices, but witnessing the pain and suffering of others can and does trigger our own suppressed pain. The root cause of our suffering is the struggle to rid ourselves of the discomfort, which we have been conditioned to do. By either suppressing our pain, putting our struggles into “perspective” by comparing them to others worse off, or seeking to satisfy our desires. All of which only creates perpetual cravings.

For example: a drug addict isn’t addicted to the drug, they use the drug to manage the pain and reduce their experience of suffering. But we don’t have to be a drug addict to engage in unhealthy behaviours that use substance to manage pain.

These are the cycles we need to break and the habits we need to change, if we want to change our relationship with grief and loss.

Today has been an illuminating kinda day …

Its no coincidence that the last 3 days have challenged me, which has been on the lead up to this months FULL MOON in Lilith, that meets Venus and Chiron. I have a strong connection with Lilith energy, that often conflicts with my inner Aphrodite. Chiron is known in astrology as “the Wounded Healer,”effecting all aspects of wellness (our physical health, mental health, emotions, spirituality).”

After my revelations I walked back to the vollie house in the rain. I found myself a nice soft spot on the grass to meditate, and sat in the rain for a while. As the rain fell upon me, I felt cleansed and renewed.

Don’t forget to put out your crystals 🌖🌕🌔

 

 

I woke early this morning, after a restless nights sleep. Granda was on my mind because its his birthday today (7th Feb). We were fortunate to grow up with all of our Grandparents and I loved them all equally, but I had a special bond with my Granda. Sadly, he was diagnosed with liver cancer and died the day before his birthday (6th Feb) in the year 2000. Although its been 20 years since he died, it triggered memories I didn’t want to see. So, I got dressed and headed out. As I walked up the hill, I stopped to take a photo of the water cascading down the hill over the rocks. I thought about how much I wanted to share the beauty with my Mam, knowing how much she would appreciate it, which triggered other memories. I didn’t want to look back, but it felt like the past was walking right behind me and I was struggling to stay ahead of it.

My body may have been sitting in the Big Love Cafe, but I was back in the UK, reliving the moments. I recalled seeing Granda’s birthday cards, that my Aunt and Uncle had brought back from the hospital. There were splodges on the card I had sent him and I wondered if they were his tears. An image that still breaks my heart to think about. Although my parents and I went back to the UK, we never got the opportunity to say goodbye because he died a few days before we arrived. I wanted so badly to see his smiling face and hug him one more time, but instead I seen his lifeless corpse in a coffin.

And that’s when I began to unravel …

Visions of Mam, Dad and Christie on their death beds. Memories of our parents final weeks, days, hours and moments. There was no escaping the past because it was right there swimming around in my mind, as if I was watching it on a TV screen. I tried to fight back the tears, but the fluid just oozed from my nose instead. The only place I could find privacy was in the toilet, so I shut myself in and silently cried as the images relentlessly persisted. There was too much going on in my head and heart to be able to put on a mask and go on shift. So, I returned to the Cafe with blood shot eyes, to tell the cook that I couldn’t be there today. The look of genuine concern on his and my fellow vollies faces told me that I must have looked as bad as I was feeling.

I decided to go to the Garden of Enlightenment because it was raining and knew it would be quiet. When I got there I took off my soggy shoes and socks because I needed to feel grounded and tried to meditate, but felt too tired to focus my mind. So, I picked up the phone and called my sister. I tried to tell her how I was feeling, but I couldn’t get the words out because I was choking on my tears, so I hung up.

I recalled my conversation with the Nun yesterday, who commented again about the complexity of my grief and I was cranky. Why the fuck does she keep reminding me how fucking traumatic it was? Why the fuck does she want me to remember how fucking hard it was? She keeps talking about getting under my words and I know she means the pain I’m still sitting on. Well, here it is. The images I keep trying so hard to push out of my mind keep returning to be seen. I know its because emotions are still attached to them, but I’ve already felt these feelings before. So why do they keep coming back to be felt? Will I ever be able to watch the story unfold and not feel the sorrow? Am I gonna be haunted by these memories forever? How can I heal from something that keeps replaying in my mind? Who the fuck holds the remote control to my thoughts?

When the flow of thought and emotion finally calmed, I called my sister back and we talked for over an hour. While we were talking I noticed the face of a whale in the tree in front of me. His kind eyes and gentle smile was comforting.

“Whales are associated with compassion and solitude. Knowledge of both life and death. When the whale enters your life, it may be time to closely examine where you are, the actions and emotions that have brought you to this point, and what you can do to alleviate existing drama and unrest and find peace.”

Well, that’s part of the reason why I’m here !!!

After our conversation I wandered back to the vollie house, which was busy. So, I had a long hot shower, then locked myself in the bedroom. I cried and slept most of the day because I wanted to feel the closeness of another human being. I wanted to be held and touched, but I was alone.

Why do I keep finding myself alone in these moments of vulnerability?
Why don’t I have someone to hold me and tell me everything will be OK?

When I finally had the house to myself, I opened up the door to let some fresh air in, lit the incense, put on some shamanic music and picked up my drum. I wanted to rip off my clothes, stand out in the rain and howl at the heavens, as I felt a primal rush of energy flowing through me. Although I crave the tenderness of love, I wanted to fuck and be fucked. Urges I haven’t and cant fully satisfy, so they continue to be suppressed. I’m abstaining from many things, mindful masturbation included, which is having an impact on me. On days like today the path to so called “enlightenment” is a fucking struggle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke thinking about CHOICES this morning …

Our lives are made up of an accumulation of choices and consequences, that create the experiences we have. If we aren’t happy with our lives, then all we need to do is make a different choice, but sometimes we get stuck in an unpleasant experience because of the way we think about it. We feel powerless to change our circumstances and begin to suffer the consequences of our choices, which is an experience in itself.

EVERY experience is an opportunity to learn and grow from …

We make choices every day and in every moment. Many of those choices become habitual. We decide when to wake up, what to wear, what to do, where to go, who to spend our time with and how to live our lives. These choices are subtler, but they can and DO have a huge impact upon our life experiences. Other choices are the kinda life changing choices that have the ability to totally alter our experiences. Every choice has its own set of consequences and some can be difficult lessons to learn, but if our lives are an accumulation of choices and consequences, then we can begin to experiment with our life choices.

As I reflect upon my life, I begin to have a deeper sense of appreciation for my struggles. Because without my struggles, I wouldn’t have learned any of the lessons I have learned. My struggles have often reflected a resistance to change, which has been connected to an inner conflict. I notice the struggle when Im rejecting a different reality thats trying to manifest itself, which can create suffering if I keep resisting the change.

I suppose thats why I woke thinking about CHOICES.

I recall a conversation I had with Mam while walking on the beach. She was concerned about a choice I was making in love because she was worried about the consequences of those choices. Although LOVE motivated both of our choices, we were both becoming a little agitated with one another, which happened a lot with us. Mam wanted to protect me from “mistakes” which she understood as being “bad choices” but I believed my heart was guiding me towards the experiences I needed to have. Mam didn’t want me to suffer the consequences of my choices, but I believed if I didn’t follow my heart, then I wasn’t living my truth. We talked about our need to protect our children from hurt and how that can impact upon their growth. As Mothers, we think its our duty and responsibility to guide our children (whatever age they are) into the direction we “think” is best for them, but I challenged that belief because I understand the need to protect is attached to our need to reduce our own suffering. Because when our kids are happy, then we are … right?

Many of my inner conflicts have been attached to the challenges I’ve had with my family. As a child I constantly challenged those I loved with my curiosity and open nature, and I’ve never grown out of it. If anything, my struggles have deepened my curiosities and made me even more open. Granted, not everyone appreciates or celebrates that, but it’s my curious nature that motivates me to explore and live life to the fullest, and it’s my openness to experience that attracts the many gifts and blessings I receive.

When my choices are guided by my curiosity and openness to NEW experiences, I begin to experience the magic, but to have these experiences I have to be willing to let go of the OLD. To release myself from the limitations of my mind and the struggles that create my suffering. Each choice generates a different set of consequences and manifests a different experience. If we are mindfully aware, we will soon come to realize and learn to appreciate, that our choices will generally reflect the lesson life is teaching us.

I made the choice to come here, to work and live in the Buddhist Retreat because it was time to take a step back into life, but I wasn’t sure which direction to go in. After loosing our parents, I felt lost and alone in life because they were always my safe place to fall during the major transitions in my life. Although friends offered sanctuary and support, I needed to have a sense of SELF, but aspects of who I was died when I lost my parents.

If I no longer have a Mother and Father, then am I no longer a Daughter?

I’ve often described the death of our parents as being an Apocalyptic experience, because when Mam was dying the ground beneath me shattered, and when Dad was dying the sky fell down upon me. The whole experience has been an unveiling of lessons and truths, which could only occur when my world fell apart. In truth, it was my fixed identify that was crumbling, which is cause for celebration, but first I had to grieve the loss of who I once was. Like ALL transitions and transformations we only suffer if we resist the change that is naturally occurring. Truth is, NOTHING stays the same and EVERYTHING changes moment to moment. To flow with life is to accept this truth and allow ourselves to BE fully present in those moments, however uncomfortable.

Like a tree, our seeds of intentions are nourished and nurtured by our thoughts.

Although conditions may hinder its growth, the nature of an acorn is to become the mighty oak it was intended to BE. So, as a conscious BEing we have the ability to make conscious choices instead of allowing our habitual thoughts take control.

I love and appreciate the warmth of the sun,

but after hot n humid days, its wonderful to feel the cool n crisp air.

I’ve been watching the rain falling all afternoon.

There was no sun setting at dusk.

Instead the clouds hovered above the trees and the fog drifted in,

The cicadas played their noisy tune and the frogs joined in the chorus.

I love how the forest comes alive when it rains.

The trees look, sound, smell and feel different.

I sense their enjoyment as the water falls upon their leaves,

and down their trunks.

I can hear their contented sighs as the water quenches their thirst.

I feel grounded,

Connected to Nature, to Universe and to Source energy.

As I inhale the Earths scent, I feel nothing but love filling up my lungs.

My thoughts begin to flow …

Im thinking about where I am and where Ive been

About all the wonderful places Ive seen and stayed.

A realization …

We dont need to own something to be able to experience and enjoy it.

Im thinking about the experiences Ive had and am having.

A realization …

The journey is full of so many important lessons.

I have nothing, yet I have everything I need-

A realization …

Sometimes taking a giant leap of faith.

only requires us to take a small step in the right direction.

My heart feels a strong sense of gratitude.

For the path Im walking and the life Im living.

I feel a sense of freedom I haven’t felt before.

A realization that Ive finally broken FREE from a materialistic world.

Experiencing life without the pressure and stress of money

And everything is OK 

Im having a completely NEW experience with people I’ve never met before,

yet I feel safe, secure and supported.

My mind feels clearer and my spirit feels lighter.

Every day I get a little more enthusiastic about the day ahead of me,

and I feel my passion for life returning with even more fire.

I feel liberated from my doubts and fears.

Excited about the adventures that await me.

Whatever they may be.

There is NO settling for me,

because I wasn’t created to live inside the zones of comfort.

Im made from star dust, wishes and magical things.

A BEing of love and light here to create a life that feels good on the inside.

And thats the kinda magic Im here to share with YOU 🌟

Nature is constantly communicating with us, but we can often miss the messages. Although Im open to spirit and pay attention, I usually need 3 up close and personal interactions before I can fully appreciate it as being a message from spirit. Instead of seeing this as being a “slow to learn” thing, I understand that my relationship with Self, Nature, Spirit and Universe is a process that continues to improve, grow and strengthen with the effort I put into it.

The more receptive I am, the more fluid those communications will BEome.

I’ve been here since the 12th, but the horsefly didn’t fly into my awareness until the 27th, which was the day I had my first 1:1 with the Nun (its also the day of my birth). It had been persistently annoying me all day, which was agitating me because its a NO KILL zone here. The last thing I wanted to do was swat the bugger, but I also didn’t want to be bitten because they give a nasty sting. At one point she landed on the Nun, who patiently blew her away and she flew out of the window. I, on the other hand was trying my best to patiently swipe her away, but the more she persisted, the less patient I was becoming.

There was no interaction with the horsefly on the 28th because it was my rostered day off and I stayed indoors, having a pajama day. The 29th was yesterday and it was an odd kinda day. I was still feeling out of sorts, so I decided to go along to the morning Dharma Practice. I’ve been to a few of the evening sessions, but had yet to experience the morning one. There were 5 Nuns, but it was a Monk who led the morning session. As I listened and read the words they were chanting, I was overwhelmed with feelings of compassion that brought me to tears. I thought to myself, how wonderful that these people gather together with such devotion and loving intentions for the well-BEing of others.

As I looked around, my eyes were drawn to the Chenrezig statue directly ahead of me, that symbolizes compassion. She holds a turquoise jewel inbetween her hands, that are positioned infront of her heart. It captured my attention because the gem was glowing from the light bouncing from it. The Monk began to talk about how our suffering is connected to karma from our past lives. How our suffering allows us to purify karma and have a better rebirth. I began to have flashbacks of the suffering I had seen and began to feel upset. As memories flowed, so did the tears and I had to leave the session.

I couldn’t escape the images in my mind or the emotions that accompanied them.

Memories that were linked to conversations, concerns and conflicts I had with my Mam about her experiences of pain were surfacing to be seen, that triggered other memories. The suffering we witnessed Mam and Dad endure, and how it impacted upon my sisters and I. Recognition of the struggles, as my family, friends and I heal from our losses.

I was rejecting what the Monk was saying because I refused to believe that good people needed to suffer so much. The thought of it was hurting my heart and I couldn’t stop the tears. I wanted to scream and shout NO, you’re wrong !!!

My shift started in 10 minutes, so I locked myself in the toilet and cried. The last thing I wanted to do was go to work, but the cafe was closed and I was rostered on for a deep clean shift. So, I looked at it as a “cleansing” opportunity. I didn’t wait for instruction and decided I needed to focus on cleaning the main dining area, where people gather. I began with the windows because it was symbolic of allowing more light IN, then I swept and mopped the floors. Making a point of moving things aside and pulling things out, to reach any dirt hiding in dark corners. One of the vollies commented on how much work I was doing compared to others, so I explained how it was my need to cleanse today.

During the shift I was invited to a yoga session, so I went along after my shift. I struggled with some of the poses because my body isn’t very flexible, especially in my hip area. Although I struggled, it felt good to focus on breath and move my body into postures that facilitate connection and energy flow.

On the walk home the horsefly flew into my awareness again. I was walking back to the house trying to arrange a call with someone. She kept attacking my head in a manic frenzy, coming so close that it felt like she was gonna buzz right on into my ears. I tried to calmly swipe her away and asked her not to attack or bite me, but she persisted. I would usually wait for her to land, then swat her before she bit, but I didn’t want to kill her. So I ran up the path waving my hands and bag around like a mad woman trying to escape the voices in her head.

I knew she came with a message, but what was it?

This morning, I was sitting on the front deck getting ready to write in my journal, when she flew back into my awareness with the same aggressive persistence. One of the vollies heard me talking to her and was watching me getting annoyed. I was forced to come back inside, so she prompted me to look up the symbolism of a horsefly, so I did …

“Horse Fly teaches lesson of development in all areas. It’s the journey not the destinations that are important here. She helps ground oneself in nature by helping contemplate the earth, ground and mud will help. There is balance of emotions and the spiritual along with physical and mental. She demonstrates properties of spiritual healing and enlightenment with knowledge. She shows how to see with an earthly purity. She guides to opening up energy within the body to allow emotional – physical healing to take place. Meditating on the colors green and gold will aid in the connection to Horse Fly’s messages. She teaches balance in truthfulness, which may sting and bite but they are truths nonetheless. Horse Flies can show how a group of 1 or 2 will aid in your journey. She shows attraction to shiny objects, emphasis on metallics and gems will help connect with her medicine. Horse Fly will demonstrate adaptability while layers of the self are uncovered for much new and exciting potential. She shows change is coming.”

Other links talk about how the fly is a persistent presence that symbolizes a need to stay focused on our goals, regardless of how it may annoy others or seem selfish. Others mention about holding ourselves back from achieving our goals.

OK, I “think” I understand the message …

The horsefly showed up the day I met the nun (27^th), then while trying to talk to someone (29^th) and today when I began to write (30^th). The significance of the number 27 and the 3 interactions suggests spiritual significance. I already acknowledge that its the journey that matters most and that change is coming, but what am I missing? Why is the horsefly being so aggressive and persistent? What does she come to teach me? Is it patience and compassion? Is it to feel gratitude for ALL of my experiences, even being tormented? Is the message connected to those 2 people? Will they help or hinder me on my journey? Am I still holding myself back in some way?

Lets hope that spirit is satisfied I’ve received the message because I really dont fancy being bitten or stung by the horsefly.

I’ve stepped into my 3^rd week working at the Buddhist retreat, so I’m reflecting over some of the experiences I’ve had this week …

As the new becomes more familiar the nerves lift, and I begin to relax into my new roles and routines. There’s so much to love about BEing here, but sometimes it’s hard to put my days into words because it’s an experience that’s difficult to define. So, my words feel somewhat inadequate to describe what’s occurring, which is why I’ve been sharing more photos than words I suppose.

Yesterday I was rostered on in housekeeping, so we were cleaning one of the monks homes. Its up the back of the property, so its a bit of a hike up there, but well worth it for the view. When we arrived, there were several large cockatoos on his bird feeder and in the tree in-front of the house, which was wonderful to witness. He offered us a blessing, which was 3 seeds to swallow that had been blessed by the Dali Lama. Although Im not a religious person, I definitely have an appreciation for divine energy, so I digested them with immense gratitude.

Today is my rostered day off, which is welcomed after 4 early mornings and busy days. Its 10am and I’m still in my PJs with no intentions of getting dressed soon. The nag champa incense is burning, a relaxing melody is playing, it’s raining outside and I’m still reflecting over a conversation I had with a nun yesterday. I requested a meeting with someone who could help me with grief and loss, so we met in the Café after my shift. It was interesting that she chose to sit where I had captured the orbs a few days previously.

I didn’t seek counselling when our parents were diagnosed or when they died. I’m so familiar with the “theory and practice” of grief and loss, so I trusted my own insights and felt supported by my family and friends, but now I seek spiritual support, which is why I’m here having the conversations I need to have.

I shared my story and struggles with the nun and she confirmed what I myself know. That it expands beyond the grief and loss process because of the multiple sudden losses and how it all unfolded and impacted upon me. That I’m dealing with PTSD because of the trauma and unresolved inner conflicts involved in those experiences, which is why I was struggling with my work.

Recognizing how I innately express myself through words, she said, “I wonder how long it will take us to get under the words?“ which triggered my defenses because it felt like she was suggesting I wasn’t “feeling” my way through this experience, which I openly expressed to her.  She explained how I have sat on somethings which is why those things have been surfacing, which is true. Although I did process and feel my way as best I could, there were times we had to prioritize the practical aspects of Mam and Dads end of life care or focus our attention on aspects of our own lives. That the conflicts in my head are connected to being stuck in the complex grief process and unresolved inner conflicts. She suggested an exercise to help me express and explore the intuitive side of my brain. To think about those I have lost and draw a picture, first with my right hand and then with my left hand. To gain a less intellectual understanding and help me explore those things I may be still be sitting on, which could help me to get underneath the words.

I wasn’t in the right mindset to do it last night because my mind was far too agitated and I wasn’t in the mood for meditation. I’m not sure what I had expected to hear, but I suppose I wanted to hear something that would unstick me. Instead, she validated and confirmed the process and offered to help me get under the words, if I was ready to go there. She gave me almost 3 hours of her time yesterday, which I was ever so grateful for and she will check in on me on Sunday to arrange another catch up. We spoke about lots of other things and I asked a few questions about her own journey, which she shared.

After our conversation I asked if I could hug her because I wanted to express my love and gratitude. Then I called my sister because I needed to talk to someone close to me, but I didn’t really say what was in my heart because it was hurting too much. Truth is, all of us are struggling with loosing Mam and Dad because we all have such a strong connection with them. We were their world and they were such a huge part of ours. I notice how my biggest triggers are around Mam, so my tears are mostly for the loss of her. I still don’t feel like I’ve fully grieved for her yet, which is why I’m struggling to fully process and feel the loss of Dad and Christie, but I’m feeling the weight of those losses too. The inner conflicts are preventing me from experiencing inner peace, which creates an agitated mind. The agitations are caused by traumatic memories, conversations we didn’t have, a future we were robbed of and unresolved inner conflicts.

Sometimes it feels like a cycle I cannot escape …

I came back to the house and fell asleep but woke a few hours later in tears and couldn’t stop them from flowing. So, I got up, made a cup of tea and started reading a book I was given. It’s another introduction to Buddhism book. “An explanation of the Buddhist way of life,” which is a little easier to read, digest and understand than the other I just read.

I still feel emotional this morning and I’m so very tired, so I’m glad its my rostered day off. I plan on meditating and doing the left- and right-hand drawing, but as a writer, I needed to write down my thoughts about the changes occuring. There are the obvious external changes that others are seeing because I’m settling in, eating healthier, sleeping better and being more active, but there are those subtler shifts occurring within me that are less obvious to others. These are the changes I find difficult to put into words right now because although they are subtle, they are having a big impact.

Although I’m still struggling with an agitated mind, I feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm about what I’m doing and the direction I’m heading, which is a welcomed shift within myself. I suppose it helps knowing I’m where I need to BE, doing what I need to DO and I’m surrounded by those who practice and teach the skills I need to achieve peace of mind.

I’m not here to devote myself to the Buddhist faith because I’m far too heathen by nature. As a wild woman, I seek the freedom to explore various experiences, so I don’t align with any one faith-based belief. I don’t want or need to confine myself to a certain set of beliefs, but I DO seek liberation from mental suffering, which is why I am here. I’m still wrapping my head around the teachings and practices, but the more I read the better I understand my own journey.

According to Buddhist faith “SAMSARA is a conditioned, illusory and cyclic existence. It is characterized by deep-rooted ignorance, which manifests as seeing the world as a plurality of sensory objects that are separate from oneself. NIRVANA is attained when dualistic thinking is transcended, and the mind is freed from all karmic conditioning.” Samsara is an agitated mind that creates our suffering. The Buddhist trains in higher wisdom, concentration and moral discipline, which is motivated by something they call “renunciation.” This is a state of mind that looks in 2 directions. Towards suffering (birth, ageing, sickness, death) and its causes and towards LIBERATION. We are either seeking liberation from our own suffering, or it expands beyond our sense of self. Seeking to rid others from the suffering of samsara.

I’m not afraid to dive into my own sense of suffering to FEEL and better understand it, but its my strong sense of compassion for the suffering of others that continues to motivate me to seek deeper understandings. I still feel called to serve the Greater Good, which is why I feel a stronger sense of the collective. I know my experiences are changing because my direction is.

Trust the process and embrace the journey ❤️