I wrote this in my “CONNECTION” blog a few months ago … 

“To fully appreciate our connection with others we must first honestly identify our own wants and needs … because the more honest we are with ourselves the more we attract with energies that better satisfy our needs, better fulfill our wants and better serve our growth …The universe will connect us with those who are attracted to our energies and we will be attracted to others in the same way … some will connect to our body because they are attracted to how we look … some will connect to our mind because they are attracted to how we think … some will connect to our heart because they are attracted to how we love … some will connect to our soul because they are attracted to who we are … and some will connect to us on ALL levels because they are attracted to YOU for ALL of who you are”

… and I find myself pondering over CONNECTION again

WHAT IF … my feelings of unrest is related to my connection with myself and my experiences of love then being a reflection of that sense of connection ?

As I reflected over my previous intimate connections with men a pattern emerged …

WHO I was attracted to and WHY, which influenced HOW I experienced LOVE

 I learned a long time ago after lots of frustrations and many disappointments, that my happiness is not dependant upon anyone other than myself … Experience has taught me that conflicts within a relationship most certainly reflect our own internal conflicts … So, I created an image to clarify the different levels of love to help make sense of my connection to self and others and identify any experiences of internal conflict or disconnection …

My first “falling into love” experience was with my husband to be when I was 18 years old. I was physically attracted to him, so we connected intially on a sexual level. But he also made me feel safe and secure during a time when I was lost, due to emigration to Australia with my family that literally turned my world upside down and inside out. My love for him deepened over time as we raised our family together, but the more I started to find myself, the more we seemed to drift apart. I started to feel like my need for change and growth was being compromised and so our 11 year marriage eventually ended. Parenthood keeps us connected and its a love I’ve never fallen out of, it’s just changed …

Adjusting to those changes involve ALOT of ongoing self-reflection

After my divorce I was single for about 7 years and although I met many wonderful men and experienced love, I wasnt willing to fall into love with anything less than extraordinary … I wanted more than a sense of safety and I needed to feel more than the twitching in my loins

My second “falling into love” experience was unexpected, not to mention complicated. He was an old friend, in an unhappy marriage who lived at the other side of the world. The distance meant that we connected on an emotional level and my heart was awoken, but it was a long and winding road with far TOO many bumps. We disconnected and reconnected a few times over 7 years because of our unwillingness to let go. Eventually I walked away and am still moving through the process of letting go after a recent reconnection and yet another bumpy ride. TOO many complications and the recognition that he could never really love me in the way I deserved to be loved. A tragic tale of love, about two people destined to connect and awaken but who were never meant to be together. A love I havent yet fallen out of, but it’s changing …

Finding the lesson and healing my hurts is still an ongoing process … HOW do you let go of a love that never was yours to begin with … HOW do you gain closure from a relationship that never was ?

 

 My third “falling into love” experience was during a disconnection with my 2nd love, with a man who stimulated my mind. We connected on an intellectual level and I was attracted to how he expressed himself through the written word. He was a beautiful man with a childlike wonder, who helped me to see the world through a different lens, which opened up new and wonderful perspectives. An intriguing man with an unfortunate past that created walls and barriers, which I was unable to break through. I started to feel like my need for intimacy was being compromised and so our 18 month relationship eventually ended because I needed MORE than companionship

 

My fourth “falling into love” experience was a recent intense and brief encounter, during a time of healing. I was attracted to his energy and our chemistry was something I’ve never experienced before. It was a connection that shifted lots of emotion around during a time of intense heart hurt. But recent conflict has forced me to confront myself before I loose myself. I am a woman without inbetweens. I am either ALL in or not at all

I used to believe that true love was about meeting our soul mates and living happily ever after … but then LIFE happened and my experiences have certainly changed my beliefs about love. I now believe that WE are our own true love and that our life lessons are our soul mates. I believe that we are destined to connect with those who teach us something about ourselves because its our lesson to learn. I believe nothing lasts forever when our intention is to learn and grow. I believe that we connect with others to awaken or let go of something. I believe that finding the reasons for our connections, attractions, loves and losses is challenging because it forces us to confront ourself

 How do YOU think, feel, connect and love YOURSELF ?

WHAT IF our progressive spiritual growth depends upon our love connections ? ? ?

WHAT IF we opened ourselves up to love instead of closing our hearts in fear ? ? ?

WHAT IF we believed that what we need is what we deserve ? ? ?

WHAT IF we are destined to connect with many souls in our life time ? ? ?

If I had listened to others who cared for me, those who wanted to guide me in other directions to avoid hurts, instead of trusting my own instincts, then I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t have the insights I can now see. I wouldn’t have the depth of understanding I now understand. I wouldn’t have the questions I now ask

I AM a woman who seeks experiences and so I will always be attracted to those connections that make me feel, think or see something I never have before …

I AM a woman who will compromise my wants for those I love but not if it means compromising what I need … because I am learning to trust, believe and LOVE myself enough to let go of anything that no longer serves my growth

I AM a woman falling into love with HERSELF