I hope you understand that the intention of my blog is not to stand in a place of all knowing. I’m not here to give advice or offer great words of wisdom because I, like you am a work in progress
My writing is also a work in progress. I write because its how I express myself and its how I process my thoughts and feelings. I share some of my personal experiences, challenges, thoughts and feelings with you because I believe it supports others on their journey. By sharing aspects and insights into my self, I believe it brings more authenticity to who I AM and what I DO
Some of what I write is wise and insightful, but some of it can be a bit messy, confusing and even a little amusing because I’m trying to write with more truth and integrity
Today I write about something personal. I’m sharing my thoughts and feelings about love. Yesterday I finally ended a relationship with my lover. I ended it because even though we shared love, it was a love without a future. I ended it because even though he was willing to risk loosing it all for me, he was relying on ME to make him happy. I ended it because even though he wanted to be open and honest with the woman he lived with, he was still living a life that had limited room for me
Was this the right choice ?
I believe so
Today I am choosing celibacy (for a little while at least) because I need to clarify what it is I actually want
After an emotional few days I woke this morning with an awareness of my dream. I dont always recall my dreams but when I do they are usually insightful
My dream …
I had the “house” dream again, which is something I dream whenever change is happening within myself. Last night the house was a very large building, with many rooms, hallways, doors and windows. Some of those rooms and hallways were hidden with little secret man holes that allowed people to move freely through the building. On the top floor there were adults (big important people) behind desks who were confining and controlling children (smaller unimportant people) to the lower ground levels. In my dream I was one of those smaller unimportant people exploring the house with a group of others. Those on the the top floor were unaware of the hidden rooms and hallways and oblivious to the smaller people moving through the house freely
Then I was my adult self again, outside, walking down a path on my own, when suddenly I started to birth a child. Then the dream got a little confusing because it flicked between scenes of being in a hospital surrounded by nurses and doctors to being on my own on the path outside. The child was birthed easily but the after birth didn’t leave my insides and then I woke up …
Dream interpretation …
Dreams of a house is symbolic of our SELF, with rooms relating to different aspects. According to dream analysts the attic represents our mind and the basement our subconscious. Secret passageways being symbolic of new opportunities, relationships or attitudes towards life. Dreams about birth is symbolic of new ideas, projects and beginnings. Placenta symbolizes dependency and reliance on others and them on us. As for the placenta staying inside of me … I’m not quite sure of that meaning ?
So, what is my dream telling me ?
Perhaps my mind isn’t controlling my choices as much as it used to ?
Maybe the more I explore my inner self, the more I discover ?
When it comes to love, Ive often settled for less than I deserve and Ive often stayed for longer than I should. Regardless if its been as a wife, girlfriend, partner or lover
What has kept me there longer than I should have been ?
My need for love, sex or intimacy ?
My need for comfort, safety or security ?
My fear of being celibate, untouched and alone ?
My hunger for experience ?
My thirst for understanding ?
Ive always been open to love but love isn’t what Ive gone out actively looking for. Instead, Ive looked for satisfying sex, fun experiences and great adventures. Telling myself that while waiting for love to arrive I will live and enjoy life to the fullest, which is probably why my experiences have been conflicting. Because the lines between sex and love have often become blurred. When I have fallen in love Ive ignored the warning signs, justifying my own or his behaviour. Ive found myself in situations where Ive trusted someone else to do the right thing instead of doing the right thing myself. Ive started to value someone elses feelings more than my own. Ive compromised my own needs until I began to compromise myself. Ive given more than I received and then lost myself in the process
But I believe that we attract the experiences we need and therefore we make a conscious choice to be in what ever situation we find ourselves in. This isn’t always a comfortable truth to confront because why the fuck would we choose to be in a situation that hurts us ?
We choose it because there is something to learn from it
I believe that when we begin to feel tension and experience conflict we are given a lesson. The universe is blessing us with an opportunity to learn and grow
” Some lessons cannot be taught. They simply have to be learned ” (Jodi Picoult)
Exploring our thoughts, our feelings, our energy, our behaviour, our choices, our habits, our triggers, our patterns and our experiences is one of the greatest journeys we will take. Its a journey that will lead us back to ourselves and our own inner happiness, instead of depending on someone else to make us happy. A journey that leads us towards our own wellness, where self love is possible
Once we’ve FINALLY learned our lesson in love, we need to adjust our personal boundaries, let go of what was and move the fuck on with our head held high
But remember, we are ALL a work in progress, so be gentle with yourself and each other
” Suspend judgment and extend LOVE “