I wrote this poem while trying desperately to remain friends with my husband during our 2 year separation, which was 10 years ago. We both struggled because he was still in love with me and although I had fallen out of love with him, I still loved him very much. So boundaries were very important to maintain and almost impossible to enforce during those first 2 years. It was a very bumpy road that taught me much, but it was a road that could have been smoother if I knew then what I know now.
Hindsight, is a wonderful thing ☺
You see, I was the one who wanted the marriage to end and so feelings of guilt that hurt my heart, consumed me for many years. I broke his heart, I tore our family apart and I selfishly wanted more from my life. Lacking awareness of self, the guilt festered inside of me like an infection, unconsciously influencing my future choices in love. Although I was open to love, deep in my core, I never truly believed myself worthy of receiving it.
However, we are unable to change our limiting beliefs, until we first become aware them. Like many others, instead of taking personal responsibility for my own experiences, I continued to project onto my ex hubby, blaming him for not being the man or the Father I wanted him to be. But denying aspects of myself, while attributing them onto him, only reflected how I myself, wasn’t the woman or Mother I wanted to be.
When I finally came to this realization, many years later, I experienced even more guilt and heart hurt. Those deeper understandings and thoughts took time to process, which then unleashed deeper emotions that liberated me when finally released.
These are the inner battles people speak of, those times when we have a choice. To either sit in the darkness and determine what our demons are feeding off (or) indulge in behaviours that avoid confronting the truth of who we are.
For years, I escaped myself with sex, drugs and rock and roll (so to speak)
So, I ask YOU …
Why do you fear sitting alone with yourself, when the truth will set you free ?
My journey inwards exposes some of those deeper heart wounds, such as this that I sought forgiveness for. But my own heart healing was only possible after several heart breaks, broke me open.
I sincerely thank those men who broke my heart open to love, for without the love that we shared, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.
Letting go, with love
Searching for answers, its become clearer to see,
Our life together starts to slip away from me.
Try as I might to hold onto the past,
Its time for our love to be released, at last.
No longer can I have my heart open wide,
For the ache is unbearable when you come to my side.
I know in my heart we are not meant to be,
So it hurts to the core when you insist on loving me.
Fear in my heart brings a flow of tears from my eyes,
For the rules have now changed and its time for goodbyes.
Difficult to let go of a love so strong,
But we dont need to hold on to feel like we belong.
Friendship is what I need from you now,
Based on respect, if we can manage it, somehow.
I cherish you always and will be forever in your life,
Just not as a lover, confidant or wife.
A safe distance is needed between you and I,
To ensure I no longer have any more tears to cry.
Happiness for your future, is what I long to feel,
Yet emotions run deep and seem part of the deal.
So, in my heart you will always and forever remain,
But I need to bring some sunshine out of this pain.
For our children please never be too far away,
Because in their lives I want you always to stay.
Reaching deep inside I see a light burning bright,
Something more for me is well within sight.
I thank you for all that you have ever given me,
But its time to let you go, so I can become all I can be.