Pro CHOICE (or) Pro LIFE ?
I remember the first time I learned about the horror of an abortion. I recall how passionately against it I was as a young teenage girl in high school.
How the hell could anyone do such a murderous thing to an innocent life ?
Why would any woman decide to abort her baby when there are other options ?
It made absolutely no sense to me
Then LIFE happened …
I was excited about emigrating to Australia with my family, but life didn’t turn out better for me. For reasons unknown, I was destined to travel a long road of heart hurt and painful lessons.
We grew up in a safe, secure and stable home, surrounded by lots of supportive family and friends. So I was neither prepared nor equipped to understand the path I found myself on. I reluctantly returned to high school, as a mature aged student, after numerous job applications had been denied, with feelings of resentment. Motivation and confidence to go out and achieve my dreams was replaced with feelings of frustration, which pushed me further towards a life that offered a false sense of satisfaction.
Friendships based on booze and drugs, as a young woman who needed to belong in a world she no longer understood, was a very bad combination. </em>
I was the pommy party girl who didn’t give a fuck,
Loosing all sense of myself, which led towards loosing something I once held precious… my virginity.
My first time wasn’t beautiful and it wasn’t special, but it was certainly unique.
It was a threesome that a “friend” instigated with a stranger, but what was supposed to be erotic and exciting became awkward and uncomfortable. I felt numb to the sensations, as if living out the fantasy of someone else. It was an experience that changed me and my life direction.
One moment a virgin … the next … pregnant
My parents tried desperately to offer me love, understanding and support, but the lack of belonging made me feel unsafe and insecure, even within my own family. So I shut down and retreated further and further into a world of self destruction.
The day of my abortion is a memory that will forever haunt me.
Even though my parents didn’t agree with my choice, my Mam stood by my side the entire time. Offering unconditional love and support, even though she knew that my choice was tearing me up inside. I knew she wanted to drag me out of the abortion clinic, hug me tight, tell me over and over again that everything would be alright, until I eventually believed it for myself, and there was a small part of me that wanted her to. But, I remained distant, trying to convince myself that it was my life and that I was doing the right thing … for me.
Lying on the operating table with my legs parted, I felt exposed and vulnerable. My heart was racing so fast that I thought I was having a heart attack and would die from a broken heart, right there on the table. Then I woke up in the recovery room, feeling empty, dirty, wounded and a pain so deep in my heart, that it hurt to breath. I felt completely alone in the world. Tears uncontrollably ran down my face and as I sobbed my womb contracted and my tummy pulsated in waves, causing me to vomit. When I eventually stood and took a step, warm blood flowed from where there was once a life growing. And with each step I reclined further and further inside of myself.
Withdrawing from those who loved me was the only way I got through each day. I couldn’t bare to talk about how I was truly feeling, for fear of what emotions I might unleash. Guilt and shame was something I lived with on a daily basis, which I would numb with more alcohol and drugs. Sex was used to try and fill the emptiness ,which of course only resulted in more feelings of guilt and shame.
I was on a path of self destruction, until I crossed paths with a man who fell in love with me. A man who made me feel like I was worthy of more than just a fuck. He was far from perfect and we had many a challenge over the years, but he loved me fiercely. He filled my hurting heart with love, my aching loins with children and my empty life with meaning. Alas, it was a marriage destined to fail, but it was a love that forever remains. Our paths separated when I was ready to take the long journey back home to myself.
A road that’s since been rich in lessons of SELF LOVE ❤
” There is no greater sin than a mother who chooses to kill her own baby “
When I dived deeper into myself to expose those hidden truths that influenced my choices in love, this is a belief that sat in the core of my heart wound.
Is this the reason why I believed myself unworthy of love ?
Could this be the root cause of the hurt that lingers in the depth of my heart ?
Was this the first heart break, opening me up to love ?
If I forgive myself will the wound heal ?
Those are the questions that ran through my mind when I first discovered this ugly truth … and then the FEELINGS came !!!
There is no greater pain than the guilt of a mother who allows herself to feel this truth. If she allows herself to acknowledge and accept the horror of her choice, she will feel a pain unlike any other she has ever known. For me, it was like sitting in the dark depths of hell, having my insides ripped open by the devil himself. But the wound did not heal, it bled open and festered for many years to come. Because I chose to carry the burden of my sorrow, unable to forgive myself. Inviting experiences into my life that continued to break my heart open …
OVER and OVER again,
until I awakened to a deeper truth.
That our life is made up of an accumulation of choices.
Choices that determine our experiences and shape our stories.
Stories of love and loss that we share with each other.
Sharing that has the power to heal our hurts and overcome our fears.
So we can begin to create new realities.
You may well ask, after my own personal experience with abortion, am I pro CHOICE or pro LIFE ?
I am pro CHOICE and will never condemn or judge another woman for her choices. But, I am also pro LIFE and believe that ALL life is precious, each soul serving an important purpose in this world. Even the soul of an aborted child comes to teach us valuable lessons in love and loss, which I am forever grateful.