I’m mostly peace, love and light … with a little go fuck yourself

fuck

Today’s writing is brought to you by my GO FUCK YOURSELF mood

If my mood and language offends you, if you think I need an attitude adjustment, if you want to tell me to shut up, sit down and stop over reacting or if you believe that I have no right to feel this way.

Then I say with complete love and devotion for ME

GO FUCK YOURSELF !!!

I am here to stand up and speak out for those of us who are fed up with being led to believe that what we need, want and expect is TOO much. For ALL those women who continue to be disrespected, devalued and disregarded by men.

I am here to remind you that YOU are worthy of LOVE

The wild woman who roars her truth and the Goddess who rises in her power are well aware of their own TOO muchness.

We see how our needs, wants and expectations cause you constant discomfort and we feel the challenges and conflicts deep within our hearts.

We love YOU

Our Fathers, Our Lovers, Our Sons

But we need you to STAND in your truth and RISE so you can stand beside us

Although we accept the consequences that we must suffer, in the name of the path we have chosen and the truths that we seek. We refuse to be forced into submission by those who mindlessly seek to silence us.

I suppose the courage to share my truth is because I have nothing left to loose, and no longer want to hide from the truth of who I am

My emotions flow with less resistance and more ease because the more my heart opens, the more authentic I am in my interactions, without shame or guilt.

A change I WELCOME wholeheartedly, but its a change that still challenges me at times because there’s no more hiding from myself, even if I want to.

And believe me, sometimes I DO want to avoid myself and those uglier truths.

So, today as anger arises and I feel the rage in my belly, I choose to share it.

Ive been reflecting over the ever evolving experience of dating …

How prehistoric man selected a woman and dragged her back to his man cave, to satisfy his primal urges. Then we evolved (a little), selecting our mates based on which family had more land and live stock. Men selecting a woman who could bare him sons to carry on the family name, or a daughter who could be married off into wealth.

My favorite time in history was the courtships and wooing of poets and romantics. But alas, I reached adolescence during the 1980s and so my dating experiences can be summed up as the drunken disco daters. We were the ones hooking up after a night out on the town and snogging down the back lane (how romantic). Although love was our motivator, selecting a mate was also based on who could offer us a sense of security for our future.

Some, were a little more wiser and a lot more fortunate in their selection.

While others, like me, are still stumbling in their experiences of love.

And now we have online dating, which has opened up our opportunities to connect and meet with a variety of different people.

My experiences of dating sites has ALWAYS been insightful and valuable learning, which is probably why I decided to have another go.

So, why did I decide to go back online you may well ask ?

Well, I’m opening myself up to allow NEW male energy to flow into my life, which is something I’m more than ready for and in need of.

Being new to the area, I’m keen to meet new people and although I’m enjoying meeting new women, I miss being in the company of men. I want to sit down and have conversations with men because I value their presence, both in my life and in this world. I want to be wrapped up in the arms of men who care about me. To feel the warmth of their strong embrace because it makes me feel safe and secure. I want to feel the giddiness of those flirtatious interactions between a man and woman because I enjoy being playful. I want to fall deeply into love because I like how it tickles my senses. I want to connect, mind, body and soul with the one I choose to share my life’s journey with. And although I dont need a man, I never not want to want a man in my life because I love men.

But it hasn’t taken long to feel the frustrations of POF

Its been 3 days now and a total of 169 men want to meet me, yet only 25 of those men have been bothered to send a message. Granted, my profile isn’t as exciting as it has been in the past and I’m a lot less willing to waste precious time and energy.

But I wonder …

Does this suggest that the men are waiting to be approached by the women (or) are they just passing time swiping through the multiple pretty faces, while sitting on the couch scratching their scrotum’s ?

The men who did capture my attention seemed nice enough. So I gave them my number and we exchanged a few messages .. then it got interesting.

I was keen to learn more about the man behind profile one because we shared similar interests. Conversation was flowing and I actually found myself fantasizing about romantic strolls in the park (tragic I know). However, he decided that it was perfectly acceptable to leave the conversation abruptly, without acknowledging the question I had just asked. If the said question was a tad too bold then I may have understood, but it was

“Whats a highlight of your job?”

Although I wanted to give him a piece of my mind, especially when I noticed that he was showing up as “online” on the dating site, I didn’t. I just carried on with my evening and went to bed, deciding to give him time to respond.

Then morning came and I decided NO !!!

I wasn’t going to wait around for a response and instead I was going to let him know, that although he seemed like a nice chap, he definitely wasn’t the kind of man I wanted to get to know more. A message he promptly responded to, which annoyed me because he still hadn’t responded to the question sent 12 hours previous. When I explained that I found his behaviour to be disrespectful, his response was “well, you’re not the woman for me because you’re TOO NEEDY”

Hmmmmmm … I admit, the delivery of those words stung a little and for a brief moment I did actually question my own behaviour, in fear of being too needy. Fortunately it was only a passing thought, which was soon followed by the thought …

Damn straight I am … I not only need respect, I fucking DEMAND it !!!

So, I politely wished him well on his search and once again carried on with my day, but I was annoyed because why was it TOO much to expect respectful communication ?

Then came man behind profile number 2, who was keen to add me to Skype, telling me that he had gone off POF, before we even had a conversation (WTF?) Then half way through chatting decided that it was acceptable to abruptly end our conversation without explanation. Then a message “You seem lovely but I’m just looking for fun”

Arrghhhhhh !!!!

At this point I was a little hurt if I’m honest and for a moment felt the fear of being unworthy of the kind of love I want. Fortunately it was only a passing feeling, which was soon followed by a fire in my belly that made me FEEL the ANGER that I had only previously acknowledged.

I felt angry about the amount of men who continue to devalue women by disrespecting our feelings and how easily those we love can disregard us.

Oh yes … its a very personal as well as a collective experience we share !!!

Being the curious kind of woman I am, Ive always had a lot of interest in our experiences of love. I suppose my multiple challenges has had a lot to do with it. Struggles that often leave me wondering why some of us fall in love, marry, raise a family and grow old together. While others seem to feel challenged in relationship after relationship.

People like me, who refuse to settle and stay in relationships because its what we “should do.” Instead, driven to follow our crazy hearts towards deeper understandings about love and life. Towards experiences that bring disappointments and heartache. Experiences that are intended to break our hearts open, shatter our worlds apart and enable us to recreate ourselves. But at times its a very isolated and lonely journey and we get tired.

I know I’m not alone with my frustrations, which is why I often feel compelled to openly share my challenges in love. Because I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles. I’m here to remind you that there are others who are opening, learning and growing in love, who are not yet in relationship with their significant other.

YOU are not alone and YOU are loved regardless of your relationship status

Mindful interaction

 

 

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