Dear Mam,

You were there for my very first breath and I consider it an honour to have been there for your final breath.

I recall a conversation we had on the beach, on one of our sunrise walks. You told me that you weren’t afraid of dying, but you weren’t ready to leave us. You wanted to prove those Doctors wrong and show us another way. But most of all you wanted others to believe in miracles.

Although it wasn’t the miracle we had hoped for, Universe did sprinkle a little magic into our lives. Our wish for a peaceful death was granted, and for that I’m ever so GRATEFUL.

Truth is, we couldn’t have achieved your wish to die at home, without the help of a loving and supportive Community.

Unbeknowns to us at the time, you guided us through a process that very few are privelaged to experience.

Because how we experience death, has changed so much over the years. It’s become a clinical or lonely process.

As a culture, we’ve lost so many of our traditional customs and rituals along the way. And this was something that you helped us, as a family, to explore.

Caring for your end of life at home was the hardest thing I’ve EVER done. It was full of so many concerns, conflicts and challenges. But it was also the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. And for that I’ll be eternally GRATEFUL.

Sharing this experience as a family has strengthened our love. And I’m ever so GRATEFUL for my beloved FAMILY ❤

I’m so very thankful for the support and guidance from the Palliative Care team. They made caring for you at home possible, to which I’m GRATEFUL.

The love and support we received from ALL of our family and friends gave us comfort during our most challenging days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

The consistant support of some very special people has and continues to give us strength during our most difficult days, for which I’m GRATEFUL.

And I feel its important to mention that the presence and loving energy of Uncle Steve, James, Liz, Harry and Fiona on your final day was a blessing that enabled us to better support both you and Dad through your transition. And for that my sisters and I will be eternally GRATEFUL.

We have so much to be grateful for ❤

I’m telling you what happened as if you were unawares, but something tells me that you knew so much more than us.

But I’m gonna share with you anyways.

I noticed how spirit started to connect with us afew days before your passing. Different birds began to show up in the garden and their behaviours captured my attention. First, it was the Kookaburra. He came when the going started to get REALLY tough. I watched him sitting ever so patiently, as a wee wiggy wag tail harassed him persistently. I believe he came with “healing energy” and his message was to stay open to spirit, to stand strong as a family and to no doubt remind me to lighten the fuck up.

Three beautiful black Cockatoos showed up next. I heard them calling and seen them sitting in the tree just outside of your bedroom window. I believe they came with “Liberating energy” and their message was that of emotional freedom and the sharing of spiritual truths.

Hence why I feel compelled to share my words, perhaps?

The fearless Butcher bird interacted with us the day before your passing. I’m not certain what message he brought? But his boldness made me feel a strong sense of connection with spirit, which may be the message in itself.

And then a bird flew into your bedroom window the morning of your passing, which is a sign of Death approaching.

Reflecting over the messages our feathered friends brought us, makes me smile ☺ Because you’ve always believed feathers to be gifts from spirit, a belief that we as a family share. For many years you’ve collected feathers on your path. A collection you planned to create something wonderful with.

A sense of sadness overcomes me because you never had the time to do this. Perhaps you’ll guide us to create something beautiful for you?

The day before your passing we gathered all the Grandchildren together. To say their final farwells to you, their beloved Grammy. I hope that you felt a whole lota love, laughter and life around you that day, as you slept. Because this was the Wake we had spoken about you being a part of, the week before.

The Grandchildren left that night but your big brother and 3 of your closest friends stayed with us. We took turns to sit by your side while others slept.

I believe that there was so much more meaning and purpose to the experience than any of us realized at the time.

Truth is, your death was beautiful ❤

It was the morning of Friday 3rd November. Your breathing changed and we knew your transition was close.

So we all gathered around the bed inwhich you layed. I held your hand and played some of your favourite songs on my phone. “Life in a Northern town” by the Dream Academy and “What a Wonderful World” by Lois Armstrong.  

When I asked my sisters what to play next, they said “you know which one sis”. I did, but I admit that I was reluctant to play it because when Dad played it for you the week before, our hearts broke 💔

The song was “There goes my everything” by Englebert Humperdink.

As the song played, our hearts broke open and our tears flowed. You took your final breaths listening to that song, knowing how much you were loved. Your spirit left your body peacefully at 6am

Since you crossed over to the Other side, reality still doesn’t feel real. I already miss your physical presence so much it hurts, but I still feel your energy.

I wonder, was it you who flickered my fairy lights as I layed in my bed?

I wonder, was it you who created the beautiful giant white feather in the sky?

I wonder, was it you who left the soap sud heart at my feet in the shower?

Although I grieve the loss of you, my heart knows that death isn’t the end.

I love you forever and always ❤